This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.
Sexual Content Material!
I describe a sexual experience in this post, and talk about the body functions involved. If you don't want to learn about this, especially within the context of my body, you best not read ahead.
Month 13 - April
My spironolactone dosage has been changed back to what it was before, and all the effects I mentioned in my previous post about the dosage change have stopped. My transition is moving forward again! It's such a load off my mind that I'm moving in the right direction again... This has definitely brought to light what it would mean for me to go back, and what it would mean for me to lose access to my hormones. When my testosterone is higher, I feel absolutely miserable, and I don't feel like myself. It feels wrong. I hate the idea that I rely on medication to keep my testosterone down. This is just another thing, another aspect of my transition that makes me want a vaginoplasty. From what I understand, I wouldn't have to worry about these testosterone issues if I got surgery.
My testosterone being lower once again means that my erections are painful, and that the "S shape" has returned. After some experimentation, I think I may have discovered another clue to why the erections are painful: it feels like it's trying to fill with more blood than it can hold, and the S shape kind of reflects that, but what I hadn't noticed before is that the glans isn't filling with blood! I had forgotten that, before my hormone treatment, when I had erections, the whole thing would fill up - the tip would also get harder. But that's not happening anymore! The tip doesn't get harder during an erection anymore, it stays soft and squishy. I wonder if something is blocking the blood flow into the tip, and maybe that's why the pain gets more intense based on how turned on I become.
Now on to the juicy stuff...
During this month, for the first time since before I started hormone therapy, I had penetrative vaginal sex where I was the one penetrating. I had been curious for the past few months about what it would be like now that all these changes have happened, and whether I would even enjoy it anymore. I wondered if I'd even be able to penetrate, honestly. My genital shape is different now, and it doesn't get as hard anymore, not to mention the pain I get from even having an erection. But I suppose, with enough lube, most anything is possible... It's not like it's too big to fit, considering its size has certainly decreased since last time.
It was weird. I'm not used to being on top anymore, first of all. And second, I honestly forgot what I was doing. I did have trouble getting inside at first, and I think that was entirely because the tip aims downward now, so it slips in the wrong direction. Once I was inside, the intimacy was wonderful, but I remember the actual physical sensations to be more pleasurable than it was this time. Because this whole thing was bringing direct attention to my genitals, I started to feel dysphoric, so I tried my best to imagine that I was the one being penetrated. Unfortunately my imagination wasn't quite powerful enough to fool me on this one, since I very obviously could not feel something inside me, and the whole hip movement thing wouldn't work that way if it were the other way around. I remembered back when I used to have trouble with stamina during sex, but here I was this time, having trouble finishing because the sensations didn't feel quite right. It felt like my being inside someone was hitting the wrong spots.
Turns out the shape change was causing me to hit the wrong spots as well, as my partner wasn't getting too much out of it either. I was also very rusty, feeling like I'd forgotten how to even do this properly. The physical closeness and intimacy was very nice, but the sexual pleasure part was just alright. I figured out a good hip movement that I don't think I had ever done before, and that eventually became enough. Afterward we had to finish ourselves again, the way we're more used to doing it, because it just didn't hit quite the right spot.
And so here I am, full circle, having had that kind of sex for the last time. I think it's pretty unlikely that I'll ever do it again, and honestly, I don't think I'll really miss it. That ship has sailed. I've discovered other means of accomplishing what I want in bed, and those means not only feel better, but they don't cause my any gender dysphoria. I'm ready for surgery to make me the one on the receiving end of that exchange. I'm ready for it to be impossible for me to penetrate someone in that way.
Grapefruits are amazing!
On a very different note, I've been craving grapefruit this month. It's just so damn delicious! A glass of sparkling water with a shot of non-concentrated lemon juice, and two fresh sliced grapefruits... So good... However, I learned that grapefruit apparently has an effect on various medications. A friend told me about how grapefruit also has an effect on transdermal estradiol patches, causing a potential increase in estradiol levels. Personally, I think I'm fine with that effect, considering it could potentially help with boob growth... I did some poking around online and confirmed what my friend was talking about.
I thought I'd check to see if there were any concerns with grapefruit combined with my spironolactone, and I didn't find anything. I did, however, discover that "licorice counters the effects of blood pressure medications, such as spironolactone." Spironolactone works by blocking androgen receptors, thereby lowering testosterone levels. It also blocks aldosterone, causing an increase of water and salt to be dumped into your urine. Preventing the medication from interacting with the androgen receptors would have undesired effects for me, but I'm curious how much of this medications functions are actually affected by the licorice? If the aldosterone blocking is affected, and the androgen blocking isn't, that would be amazing. Because if it only counters the part that changes my blood pressure and salt absorption, that would actually be very beneficial to me, since my blood pressure being low was the only reason my spiro dosage was lowered before. I have some new questions to ask my doctor!
A potential change in hormone delivery
Speaking of my doctor, I'm considering switching from my bi-weekly transdermal estradiol patches to weekly injections. I hate needles so much, but I'm getting a little tired of having to replace my patches every week, and the effects the patches are having on my skin is making me concerned that my skin is going to start getting rougher in the areas I rotate the patches. I want my skin to remain soft!
I hear from various people that injections tend to have greater/faster impact, particularly for breast growth, but I'm not entirely sure how they determine the factuality of that statement. Every person has genetics that contribute to varying breast sizes during development, and you can only grow breasts once, so unless they were able to test this on four pairs of identical twins, I'm not sure how they'd be able to accurately establish the basis for a pattern with the results. I can understand seeing a pattern in how quickly things take effect, but to claim that one method causes breasts to develop to a larger size than the other? That seems a bit difficult to test due to the absence of a properly controlled environment.
In any case, I am certainly curious to look into it. Maybe if I learn to do the injections myself it will help me to break my fear of needles a bit. It's not like I need to find a vein, since these are shots that go into muscle tissue. The fact it's not going into a vein would probably help a lot, actually, since that's one of the main issues I have with getting shots. Something about the veins just... Ehh...
I'm such a girl...
I'm noticing some moments with my boyfriend lately where I've been particularly feminine. Stereotypically so, in fact. I think I've developed that womanly quality of asking unfair questions.
I don't know why, but I might randomly ask him if he thinks my hips are wide enough to bear children. I feel an urge, every time I shave my legs with cocoa and shea butter, to ask him to feel it. When I get ready to go out, I often ask him how I look before we leave. I've often ask whether what I'm wearing makes my hips or my boobs look too small. I think you get the idea...
I often recognize that the question I'm asking is rather unfair right after asking it, so I turn it into a joke of some kind to let him off the hook, so he doesn't have to answer. It so strange how my behaviour changes like this, and now that we're living together, I guess I've slipped into acting like a stereotypical wife at times. I need to be careful not to slip into a self destructive behaviour of constantly needing other people's approval on my appearance, to a point where I have no say in my own personal self. Too many women are afflicted by that, and it destroys their own personality when they are unable to stand up and be themselves. I've gotten this far by standing up for who I am, so I'm not going to let this take any of that away from me!
Thoughts on body-shaming gender dysphoria
I notice a lot of trans women talk about how various things that I consider non-gendered give them gender dysphoria, and some of the dysphoric things trans women complain about are things that cis women also complain about. I find this kind of interesting, and here are some examples of why...
First I need to confirm here that I'm approaching these opinions from a place of privilege and bias. I'm white, my family mostly supports me, my workplace supports me, and I've been underweight my whole life. My doctors have actually ordered me to gain weight in the past because of health concerns. So take my words with plenty of healthy skepticism. These are just observations, not facts.
I've noticed many average build trans women fat-shame themselves, and say that their weight causes dysphoria. I have no idea what it's like to be fat-shamed, but men and women are both fat in pretty much the same way. It's just redistributed differently, and, in the case of all of the women I'm thinking of as I write this, hormone treatment took care of that. They honestly look quite attractive, and very feminine. In fact, from a biological standpoint, women have more fat content than men. For trans women, hormone treatment causes more fat content to develop in the body, essentially replacing the muscle content. The boob growth we treasure is two sacks of mostly fat attached to our chests. It even helps to cover up our Adam's apples! We should try to embrace it as being gender-affirming!
Cis women complain about their weight just as much as trans women. Doesn't that kind of reinforce how gender-affirming a problem this is to have? You'd think it would be, but unfortunately, trans women are held to an even higher standard than cis women. We're even harder on ourselves than cis women, because people will typically take any tiny detail about us and use it to claim we aren't who we say we are...
Breast size is another one, as I mentioned before, attributing it to being added fat. Many trans women, myself included, complain about small breasts. We try as best we can to increase our breast sizes. Our breasts are a source of gender dysphoria, because if we were born the way we should have been, we wouldn't be so flat... Right? But look at our mothers... Were our mothers also flat? My body frame is pretty small. I want a B cup, but with this frame, and these genetics, that seems pretty unlikely. And I believe the same would likely have been true if I were born cis female.
Though it may be true that being born with a different set of chromosomes would have affected height and weight to a certain degree, it's not often going to be the difference between being Paul Bunyan and being Barbie. Honestly, nobody could be Barbie... She's physically impossible. There's literally not enough room in her gut for her internal organs, and her bones would be incredibly brittle, considering how tiny her limbs are. Cis women also compare themselves to Barbie, feeling a similar kind of shame. Perhaps not to the same degree, since trans women are held to that higher standard, but it's pretty darn similar. When we transition, we should expect to look like the female version of ourselves, most likely resembling a younger version of our mothers. We can't expect to magically turn into Barbies.
I think another thing at play here is that these trans women aren't used to experiencing the social stress that women have to deal with on a regular basis. Male privilege allows for men to be fat shamed less often, and less judged for their physical appearance. Being a man in our society is honestly a whole lot easier than being a woman in many ways, as women are criticised constantly based on their appearance, their tone of voice, their level of devotion to their opinions, how much sex they're having... There's so much there that men never have to deal with in the same way.
So giving up one's male privilege in order to transition... That can be a really difficult culture shock. As a trans woman coming out, you would be dealing with all the culture shock of being trans in society, all of the flack people give you just for being alive, and it can be really easy to blur the line between what flack is from being trans, and what flack is for being a woman.
I find that recognizing which things are actually truly trans-related, and which things are social issues that come with being a woman, helps a lot. If I was truly born cis female, I'd probably still be complaining about my small boobs, and I'd probably still have occasional men rolling their eyes at me when I outsmart them.
My voice, on the other hand... That's another matter.
My identity is not up for barter
Okay, there's one last thing that comes to mind from this month... I am going to keep this as anonymous as possible by avoiding names and gendered pronouns...
I met with a student and parent one day, and the parent said that their student had supported me directly and indirectly as I've come out as trans, and so the parent thought it was only right for me to support the student as they struggle with their disability.
I maintained a calm voice and demeanor, ignored the fact that the parent had brought my being trans into the discussion, and I showed the parent what I have provided to support the student, and how I intend to be of help. I have every intention of helping this student to succeed, disability or no. By the end of our meeting, I think the parent understood, and saw, that I am in fact making an effort to help.
That being said, the fact that the parent brought my transition into the discussion was uncalled for. I didn't say this to the parent, since I thought it best to remain professional and unconfrontational. I get where they were coming from, and I can see their point of view. The parent lost their cool, and I understand that. People say things that they regret when they lose their cool, and desperate parents will do or say anything to protect their children.
This parent was wrong to imply that my being trans is a bargaining chip. It is not. If there is ever a condition that someone's acceptance comes with a price tag, then I don't want their support. My identity is never to be used for favors.
Imagine this... What if the teacher were a person of color? And the parent approached the teacher to say that because their student supports the Black Lives Matter movement, the teacher should support the student's disability. That would be considered pretty darn racist, wouldn't it? Because it would be implying that being a person of color is akin to having a disability?
Being a person of color is not a disability. Being trans is not a disability. Respecting someone as a fellow human being should never come with a price tag.
I will help this student. I will go outside of my allotted paid time to help this student. I will do the best I can to help because I care about this student and their development, and not ever because I want something in return. Because that is the decent thing to do, and if I requested anything in return for it, as this parent has, then they would likely be just as outraged as I am right now.
Trans supporters, or any other human rights supporters, should never attempt to extort favors from people through their support. That is morally wrong, and a disgusting form of bribery.
Right side is a picture with makeup, wearing the dress I wore on my birthday. Left side is a video without makeup, because I apparently have no pictures from this month of myself without makeup, and I'm shirtless in the transition picture I took this month, so... No, you don't get to see that one.
I dyed my hair at the end of this month! ;)
