Back when I was around 15 or 16, long before my transition, I used to play a game called RuneScape. The game is a virtual medieval world where everyone around you is another real person playing the game, just like you.
My character was a girl. I couldn't explain exactly why I created this girl character, I just wanted to see what it was like. It turned out guys loved to give things to girl characters randomly for free, so I took advantage of that and started acting like a flirt. Guys gathered around and gave me plenty of attention. I ate it up, and I found it funny when I shut down their advances by telling them I was a guy.
One day I was out doing quests and I met a boy. I can't believe it, but I actually remember his name: LegatoSummers. I was being attacked by giant rats on my way back to town and he rushed in to help when he saw my health getting low. I said thanks and we parted ways, only to bump into each other again as I returned to the area about 10 minutes later. Legato was hunting down more rats. When he saw me he cleared a path for me to walk through and began following me.
He didn't offer me gold or items or random stuff like everyone else, and he didn't beg me to be his girlfriend. Instead, he volunteered his time to be my bodyguard, and he entertained me with witty humor. He asked if we could friend each other so we could travel again.
The more we interacted and travelled together, the more it became clear that Legato had genuinely developed a crush on me.
I couldn't explain why, but I was so committed to "pretending" I was a girl in real life for Legato. Even when he asked for my name. I didn't want to lie to him, so I told him to promise not to laugh. When I told my real name I said it was so embarrassing that my parents gave me a boy's name, and that I planned to change it someday. He said it was okay, and that he liked me anyway. Afterwards we actually had a really nice romantic walk through a park in Varrock where we opened up about some vulnerable and personal subjects and danced together by a fountain for over an hour.
He did a kiss emote with his character and I got really uncomfortable when I realized I was blushing, and that I liked him too. Then I got really nervous when I found out he lived less than 20 minutes from my house.
We said our goodbyes and I logged out that night, realizing that that was basically a first date. I didn't log in again for weeks.
I asked myself what I was doing. Why did I let this get this far? What was I hoping to accomplish? What started as something I found funny turned into a genuinely emotional experience. I could actually hurt this guy, and I really didn't want to hurt him. But I realized that telling him I'm a guy would also hurt me. I didn't question why, I just knew it would, and I would feel so sad that we wouldn't have more dates like that. I wanted to be the girl he thought I was. But I obviously couldn't keep this up forever or he would find out what I actually was. I put myself into a very awkward situation...
After my hiatus I logged back in. He messaged me and asked if I was okay because he hadn't seen me on in am unusually long time. I said yes, and that I was spending time with my brother. As I said this, I was logged in with a second character at the same time, and I introduced Legato to him as my "brother."
Gradually I tried to get him to become friends with my "brother," and I logged in less and less with my girl character, saying that I was busy with school, until finally I stopped logging in altogether.
One day, many months later, shortly before logging out I told him that my "brother" was actually me, and that I was truly sorry. He said he was starting to suspect as much. After talking to him and logging out, I sat in my chair and cried. I wished I could have met him, and I wished I hadn't deceived him.
We briefly said hi a few times after that, but we became distant and we both stopped logging in so much. The friendship fizzled away...
... This story feels so bittersweet to tell. I wish it had a happier ending.
I really don't understand how that whole experience didn't crack open my eggshell. How was I so oblivious to the fact I wished I was actually a girl so I could meet him in person? How was I so oblivious to the fact that the feelings I felt for this guy could have meant I wasn't straight?
I guess I thought there was no possible way for me to make this dream a reality. I didn't know transgender people existed back then. I had no representation, nobody to talk to, and no reference for other people feeling this way.
It's amazing the number of red flags I overlooked growing up simply because I never saw representation.
Well, Legato... Wherever you are, I hope it didn't hurt too much. And I hope you enjoyed the time we did have while it lasted. But if by chance we ever met again, I swear I truly am a girl this time, and I promise I will never break your heart again.
