The Other Life I Lived [Updated 1-1-19]

Hey, everyone!

Heads up, this is a very long post, and the story is kind of scattered. The original post date was October 31st, 2017. I did the spellchecking and formatting on the fly as I typed, so I don't know how many typos, readability issues, or inconsistencies there are in the memories. It's painful for me to read through all the way, so edits or updates are likely to be few.

That being said, this was last updated on 1-1-19 to add a drawing of my daughter and to add a name that I remembered.

I have an archive of nearly all the digital conversations I have had over the past decade. I document things like a digital pack rat. Among those things I document are little scraps of things that have happened in my past, and dreams that I vividly remember.

I think it's time I talked a bit about one particular dream. This dream changed my life. No joke, I was a different person after waking up from that dream. The act of waking up was a scarring experience, and it took me over a week to get over it. To this day, when I think about it in detail, I still feel a strong emotional reaction. It's been about 6 years now since I had the dream, so I think now is a decent time to do this. My memory is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to recall it as best I can.

This was a dream in which I lived out my life for about 7 years.

Now I don't mean I experienced various events, and by the end 7 years had past, no. I mean I spent 7 years in this dream. I ate breakfast. I went to sleep. I got a job. I moved out of my parent's house. I changed and cleaned diapers. This was 7. Years. Long.

The earliest memory I have of the dream begins much like a typical dream, with oddities and inconsistencies, though it was based closely on reality. My girlfriend in this dream was the same person I was dating at the time in real life. For the sake of anonymity and minimal awkwardness, let's call her Rae. There was a tornado warning and evacuation for our area, and my family and my Rae's family were scrambling to get out. It's kind of hard to remember exactly how this worked out, but we got caught in the high winds and were actually lifted off the ground running away from it. We managed to survive, and the tornado didn't actually end up truly destroying anyone's houses in our neighborhood. It really just shook us up more than anything. But after that tornado, Rae and I felt a somewhat stronger bond, having gone through such an experience together. 

This stronger bond helped us get through various issues as our relationship progressed. The events of the tornado showed us the selfless acts we would do to protect one another.

I remember sleeping the night that followed the tornado incident, feeling so exhausted. So tired. So glad I didn't have anywhere to be the next day, but sad that I wasn't able to share a bed with Rae, since her parents were still squeamish about that.

You know how, in real life, you can't remember everything that has happened to you over a long period of time? Like, you can't remember every day? Or every detail? That's how this feels when I think about it. And I've lived so long now in reality that even more details about this dream world are slipping from me, since I'm living life now as though these events never transpired. But they did happen to me. In my mind. They're quite real to me.

Some days had passed in recovery from the tornado, but everything worked out fine, and really, we were all back to normal after a little over a week. I was taking college courses at the time, and so was Rae, at a different college. We lived in the same neighborhood though, so we saw each other a lot.

I don't remember the exact time frame, but I want to say about 3 months after the tornado, Rae and I had a pregnancy scare. And this is particularly eerie, because I actually had a real pregnancy scare with her in real life some time after this dream. In real life she wasn't actually pregnant. In the dream, however, she was. It changed everything. There was a ton of drama coming from all sides, and I was honestly worried her mom was going to kill me (she seriously owns a crossbow in real life). But I never doubted for a second that I would stand by her side no matter what she chose to do. 

To my surprise, she decided to have the baby.

But she was in no way the type to submit the rest of her life to staying home because of a child. She wanted to pursue higher education, and she had a promising career path. I encouraged that she do what she wants with her life, and I declared my support to try and make it happen, despite the baby. I would stay home if need be.

I stuck my feelers out around college, looking everywhere for a good job opportunity to help make some income. I needed to help save up, because kids are expensive. My mom was delighted at the idea of acting as a babysitter and parent mentor. I was terrified. The idea of having kids is terrifying! You are completely responsible for the life and development of another helpless human being. There's no possible way for you to prepare yourself for it, and there's no possible way you will be perfect at it.

I found a job opportunity. I was so lucky! My internship at Microsoft paid off, and I found an actual position as a video editor. I got to stay there, and they gradually took advantage of my experience in fixing technology, which helped make me more valuable to them. It was stressful work, but I fell into a good groove over time. I developed some good work relationships with a co-worked named Michael (I forget his last name), and my boss's name was Larry Larsen. I remember them both quite well, actually. Larry was not the type of guy you want to leave hanging... Every second counted to that guy. You talk fast, you multitask, you simplify. That's the kind of guy he was. He loved to party just as hard as he worked... I don't understand how the guy could handle being that high energy all the time. Michael though, he was far more laid back. A little too laid back sometimes, but he knew what he was doing. Reliable guy. Anyway, I should probably move on... I'd rather focus on the parts of this dream that really matter to me, more than my job.

This job was a godsend though. I had never experienced anything like a true paycheck before, and this opened up so many doors in my life. I could financially support myself and Rae, so our parents wouldn't have to deal with the financial burden of the baby. And I managed to land this job before the baby came. Rae got to keep doing what she wanted to do, though it was... Definitely a challenge dealing with the pregnancy. That had to have been the longest 9 months ever. Unfortunately I don't remember enough of the details to adequately explain how it went. I remember a lot of anxiety though, especially in combination with being terrified about my job performance, because I really needed to keep that stable income.

Rae's water broke in the night, around 8 or 9pm. We still didn't live together, so I got the call from her parents, and I rushed over. Her parents took over and drove to the hospital while I got my hand crushed by Rae, while receiving lots of obscene comments on the part I played in this whole pregnancy situation, with an occasional heartfelt thank you for being there at the same time.

Painkillers helped somewhat in this process. I never really comprehended what it means to birth a child until then... I had seen videos of births before, but it's different when you're there... It's really scary. You're afraid for your partner's life, you're afraid for the baby's life, and... You're afraid of being a bad parent... And... You're excited. I was excited. I was also surprised by the smell. Never anticipated the smell... I was also frustrated, because doctors don't like people being in the room, but there was no way in hell they were keeping me out of there.

And then I heard my daughter's voice cry out for the first time. Jennifer was brought into the world. The feeling when you hold your first newborn child in your arms is indescribable. It's a part of you. There's an attachment that goes beyond words, beyond understanding. It's like there was a psychic link between me and her. I used to be terrified I wouldn't know what the baby was going to want when it cried, but that fear was somehow gone. I always knew what Jennifer wanted. Her crying and baby babble sounded all the same to everyone else, but to me, there were differences. Little changes in pitch, little differing inflections. They all meant something, and we understood each other. She was my daughter... I never knew love like that before.

This... This continues to be one of the hardest things I've had to accept. Sure, I never got that job in real life, but jobs come and go, who cares about those. Jennifer wasn't there when I woke up from this dream. Jennifer wasn't real. My daughter isn't here. I never got to see her grow up past age 6. I will never see her again. It still makes me cry to think about that. I have spent so much time in reality now that I've forgotten her birthday. How could I forget her birthday? I feel like a terrible parent for forgetting... It was in May. May... 16th? May 17th? I don't know... I miss her... She cost me so many sleepless nights, and she drove me crazy, but I miss her so much...

Typing that made me very emotional and I had to take a break... You get the idea. But wait, there's plenty more. She was only just born, and we still have 6 years to go...

Her full name was Jennifer Rin, and she had Rae's last name, which I will not say on a public forum for privacy's sake. I seem to be blanking on what happened after Jen's birth, so I guess I will continue on from the next parts I remember. After Rae's recovery, she continued her classes and high education. We traded off looking after Jen as we were home. At this point I stopped going to school, since I got a decent paying job, and I could not do all of that at once. I wanted to, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I can't be in two places at the same time.

Jen was loud at night. Just like me, she had trouble going to sleep at a decent hour. Rae went to bed earlier than me, and I had a fairly flexible schedule for work, so I looked after Jen by myself most nights. She would sleep in my bed with me, because I believe that small children need to be close to their parents, especially at this early an age. I took my bed frame away and put the mattress directly on the floor. I surrounded the whole floor area around it with pillows and blankets, and essentially baby-proofed my room. The place was perfectly safe, as far as I was aware, for Jen to get up and wander around in the night if she got restless while I was asleep. But as far as I can remember, I don't think she ever did. 

When we were in bed together, we played little games with our hands. Her hands were so tiny! And her fingers! They were fun to poke and lightly squeeze, and she'd grab my finger and bite it with her gums. That became less fun when she started teething... It just felt so amazing that she existed. This tiny little human came from me and Rae. She started from practically nothing, and turned into this little being laying in bed with me, nomming my finger. I booped her nose, and she'd grab mine, poke me in the eye, stick her fingers in my ears, and so on... We kept each other company this way when we couldn't sleep, but oftentimes she fell asleep before I did. Sometimes it got old, but really, I found it quite entertaining for longer than I would've expected I would.

One part I definitely don't miss is changing the diapers. While I was still living in the basement apartment of my mom's house, I took advantage of her natural motherly instincts to do it for me whenever possible. But she pushed it off on me more and more. Jen didn't throw up as often as I expected a baby to do, but it happened sometimes when I was burping her. A few light pats on the back, and a wet splatting sound over my right shoulder... It made me occasionally move to a non-carpeted area, just to burp her. It strange how cleaning up your child's excrement is different from cleaning cat litter, or dog poop, or anything like that. It's like... The connection I shared with her made it feel like I was cleaning up my own mess. It didn't feel like wiping someone else's butt, it became just as natural as wiping my own. I figured out easier and better ways to do it over time. My mother taught me methods with reusable diapers, so that helped save a good amount of money, and I think the cloth diapers were more comfortable for Jen. If I was the one wearing them, I'd choose the cotton. So why would I want less for her?

Other people's kids seemed so whiny, but Jen seemed calm. She was curious, but like... A kind of introspective curious. She would go up and try to get into trouble here and there, as any kid would do, but sometimes instead she would analyze things before touching them. Poke at them before grabbing them. Stare at them before shoving her face into them. It's like she was thinking about it. She reminded me of myself in that way. I think part of the reason she didn't cry as much as I expected is because of that understanding I felt I had with her. She didn't have to, because I knew what she wanted. I tried to make myself there for her, sometimes just sensing that she needed me on certain days, so I couldn't leave her at home with my mom. I brought her to work with me on occasion, when we didn't have filming to do in the greenscreen room, and when Michael was feeling generous. I think he liked her, but he didn't want to admit it. Larry didn't like the idea of having her in the studio though, so I couldn't do that too often.

I had not discovered I was trans at this point in my life, though my relationship with Rae was already fairly reversed in terms of gender roles. Throwing Jen into the mix just emphasized that even more. I was clearly the "mother", and Rae was clearly the "father". I hadn't truly questioned my gender yet, but I accepted that that's who I am, and went with it.

Rae and I began to talk about living together, since being split apart in two different houses was making things a little complicated. Paying no significant amount in rent at the time, and no expenses other than Jen's food and wipes and things, I had saved up a considerable amount to get us started in an apartment. Jen's first birthday was at my mom's place, but I believe it was soon after that that Rae and I moved out into our own apartment.

Jen blew out the candle on her cupcake all by herself! ... After I demonstrated how it was done, and re-lit it. As she stared at the candle, the fire light sparkling in her brown eyes, the shadows dancing around her light brown hair, the look on her face... Everything was new to her. It worried me, the fascination she had with the fire. Luckily she never hurt herself with it. She was smart. We've had a couple of mishaps here and there with Jen getting into things I didn't want her to, or bonking herself into stuff. But such is life... We managed, and Jen turned out okay so far. 

I don't remember what town we moved to now... It might have been Redmond? No way, that can't be right. Rae was going to WSU, and there's no way she'd make a commute like that every day. We must have moved up north, somewhere closer to Bellingham. Our new apartment was... A stressful adventure. Not just the moving and everything, but getting used to having our own place. Doing the dishes and various housework proved difficult for me to keep up on a regular basis, amidst my job and the baby. But Rae came through and took care of everything. It was a great balance, since we both seemed to be talented in areas the other was not. The apartment made it so Rae and I could finally sleep in the same bed with Jen. Sometimes. Rae needed a different room in order to get enough sleep on occasion... I guess some people just don't have matching circadian rhythms with their daughters. Really, it felt like Jen helped me get a to sleep sometimes. She fell asleep before I did all the time, and she brought me a kind of peace of mind. Watching her sleep, wondering what she was dreaming about, was like counting sheep for me.

... At least until she started teething. I believe this kicked in a little before her first birthday. Everyone said she was rather late, but come on, everyone's unique. In real life, I don't actually even know when this is suppose to occur in babies. When it started though, it seemed like it was going fast. I don't know how quickly teeth are supposed to grow, but I seem to remember her having all her teeth by... Sometime in the vicinity of her second birthday? It must have been awful for her, the pain from such rapid growth... She would wake up crying sometimes because of the pain. I didn't know what to do to help, but my mom gave me something. I don't remember what it was... I know I had something to help with her pain relief... This was a really hard time for me, and resulted in me having to take some time off from work on occasion, just to get some sleep. Rae really came through for me during this time, I remember, making sure to get me enough sleep, telling me to take naps, taking care of Jen so I could have days off from everything sometimes.

It occurs to me, I didn't glue Jen to the TV with cartoons and things. I did little activities with her, gave her my stuffed animals, and had her play with physical objects and puzzle games (no small pieces). I guess I felt like the TV was going to brainwash her, and I wanted her to experience life in reality before discovering the bright colors and hypnosis of visual media. Kind of ironic, considering I worked in video production. I guess it also felt a bit like a break for me, too.

I'm blanking on a ton of details and events between this point and Jen's third birthday. I just remembered she loved The Little Mermaid. That was something she and Rae had in common somewhat, and Rae did a themed decoration around the apartment for Jen. I know Jen had friends, and I know some people showed up... I can't remember any details on that though. It's like... I know I experienced all of this, but so much of it has disappeared from my memory now over the years, as I pushed it away and declared it to be not real. Jen had Rae's naturally straight hair, and it was a kind of hue between strawberry blonde and light brown. She liked it worn loose, with bangs. I was actually a bit jealous of how cooperative her hair was, and it very rarely tangled. Though I brushed it every night, usually before brushing the tangles out of mine.

I know we had outings with Jen, and we did fun activities and things, but I don't remember what they were. I have this vague memory of an aquarium, but I don't know if that's something else, unrelated. It's strange, like I know that we did things. Life wasn't this constant repetitive grind EVERY day. But somehow the repetitive parts of this life are the only ones I'm really remembering, maybe because they stuck harder in from the repetition.

I believe it was the November after Jen's 3rd birthday that we learned Rae was pregnant again. By this point, Rae's experience and reputation in university was spreading. Combined with her various scholarships and honor society rep, she was given a few potential job opportunities. She wanted to pursue one of the jobs in particular, but the baby complicated things a bit, and she still wanted to continue to finish her degree program at Western.

To my surprise, Rae decided to keep this baby too. I felt like this went against her character, not getting an abortion in this situation. But I supported her, so long as it was truly the decision she wanted to make. Once again we went through the chaos of pregnancy. This one seemed to have more vomit than the other one, I think. I'm rather hazy on the details surrounding this pregnancy, as it all feels kind of like a blur in my mind.

It felt like before I knew it, we were rushing off to the emergency room. It bothers me so much that I can't remember this birth in the same level of detail as I remembered Jen's. But I do have a memory of bringing Rae home. I don't know what day it was... But I believe it was sometime in August.

... Now I'm feeling really guilty again, like a horrible parent. I barely remember his birth. It seems like something I wouldn't forget, except that this was a dream. His first and middle names were Calvin Jin, with the same last name as Rae, just like Jen. I am pretty sure Rae gave him his first name and I gave him his middle name. Heh, Calvin Jin and Jen Rin. I guess I had a thing for three letter names.

Calvin seemed to warm up more to Rae than Jen did. I seem to remember her taking to him more intuitively as well. Where Jen and I had a kind of telepathic bond, and I always knew what she wanted, I couldn't seem to figure out Calvin in quite that same way. Rae seemed to have it quite under control though. She never really told me, but I'm pretty sure she had a similar bond with Calvin as I did with Jen. Rae would make things seem like they should have been obvious, but I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I know they're two different kids, but really, they were both our kids. You'd think raising them would be at least a somewhat similar experience. Jen was the thinker and analyzer, and Calvin seemed to be the curious little chaos dinosaur. It was so much easier cleaning the diapers of the kid who didn't have a built-in fire hose. I remember getting hit directly in the face once, just above the nose. I cautiously kept a hand up for self defense at various points in the changing ever since.

You would think that as I get closer to the end of the dream I would be remembering things in greater detail, but somehow that's not happening. It feels like things are getting more foggy. The only detailed memory I can remember well enough to tell right now comes from 3 years after Calvin's birth. I remember that Jen was 6 years old, and Calvin was 3. Rae made us breakfast, in an very happily intellectually sarcastic mood. Both Rae and I had jobs at this point, she was a forensic psychological evaluator, and I still had the editing job. I usually worked from home at this point, considering I was often taking care of the kids, but this particular day I had to drive down to Redmond to check in with Larry and Michael on a collaboration we were doing on some new holographic tech we were documenting. I was leaving before Rae, so she was making sure the kids got to school.

The image I have of this moment is pretty vivid. The kitchen had a kind of bar-style counter-top on one side, where the kids ate breakfast. Rae was in the kitchen finishing up eggs, toast, bacon... Or was is sausage... Calvin was pestering Rae, jumping around the entrance to the kitchen, babbling here and there about geometry stuff he learned in school. Calvin was just entering first grade, and Jen was in third. Calvin bounced around on the balls of his feet, a lot like I do, come to think of it. Jen was patient, climbing up onto one of the chairs in front of the bar counter, waiting for her plate, muttering under her breath for Calvin to shut up. Rae said something in response... I wish I remember what it was. It was clever, whatever it was, and it actually got Calvin to quiet down a bit, and made Jen blush.

I was witnessing this glorious display right after scrubbing my face and getting dressed in my work pants and a button up shirt. As the events unfolded, I stood there by the dining table and watched for a while thinking, "Look at them. That's my family. These are my kids. And we're turning out alright."

I walked up behind Jen and put my hand on her head and told Rae I needed to grab my food and eat in the car, because I was running behind in getting out the door. Jen leaned over in her chair and hugged me, and Calvin ran from the kitchen over to my leg and grabbed hold, hugging it the way a barnacle hugs the hull of a ship. I look down at each of them and say "Aw, I love you too."

Rae stops and looks at me for a moment, as I'm stuck with the kids hanging off of me, and says, "Looks like you're not moving from that spot." 
I shake my leg and tell Calvin to sit in his chair, and I give Jen a return hug with my right arm. Rae hands me my food in a plastic container, apparently foreseeing that I was going to run late. As I walk away from her chair I kiss Jen on the cheek, 
"Have fun at school," I said, briefly touching foreheads, and smiling at her as I turn to Calvin's chair. I ruffle his hair and kiss him on the forehead.
"...and you stay out of trouble. Rawr."
"Rawr!" he exclaimed, in reply.
"Love you! See you after school!" I waved at Rae and the kids as I walked toward the door.

As I walked out the door it got darker, and suddenly it was like there was a wall in front of me. I started breathing really heavy and fast, in a mild panic. Suddenly my clothes were gone, and I was laying on my back. In bed. But whose bed?!

I had woken up. I had no idea where I was, I was freaked out that I was suddenly naked and in an unknown place. I jumped up and noticed that I recognized the room. I was in my old room, from about 7 years ago. I looked back at my bed and checked the clock on the night stand. It was around 2pm. I sat down, completely freaking out, realizing that the only logical solution to this is that that was a dream. But there's no way that was a dream. I put some clothes on and walked slowly outside the room. The living room was just like it was 7 years ago. The bathroom too. I went back into my room and checked a calendar. It was 2011, not 2018.

I started to remember what I had done yesterday in real life. I began to cry uncontrollably as it sunk in that it actually was all a dream somehow. I brought my body under the bed covers and buried my face into the pillows and howled in tears. If that was all a dream, then I would never see my family again. My kids never existed. I would never see them again. I descended into a paralyzing panic attack.

After about an hour and a half or so, I finally calmed down into a state of deep numbness, staring at the ceiling. As I stared at the ceiling I recalled so many memories. I thought about how many experiences that was, and how it was somehow all crammed into one night's sleep. I made the comparison to the Star Trek TNG episode, The Inner Light. Sure, you might find it to be a funny comparison, but in that moment, there was nothing funny about it whatsoever. It was horrifying, waking up and realizing nearly everything I cared about in the world was gone, never even having existed in the first place.

I contemplated whether I truly wanted to go on living, or whether I woke up into yet another dream. I was honestly considering suicide, because how could I do this? How could I go back 7 years and live it all over again? Especially if I knew I wasn't going to have those same kids again this time around? That I wouldn't have that life? That all my effort over those 7 years meant nothing.

As I stared at the ceiling the memories from my 7 year dream were already fading into the back of my mind. I wrote some of it down in a mad scramble to not forget it. Now, 6 years after having that dream, I cannot find that note, but I never forgot. I couldn't forget.

I was in my room coming to terms with what had happened for about 4 or 5 hours before I realized I was starving, and I had to leave my room eventually to get food. I went upstairs, slowly, bracing myself for what I was going to see.

My mom and my step-dad were upstairs, business as usual. They said hi, and I awkwardly said hi back, knowing that they had no idea what I had just been through. I had to keep in mind that they had no idea I was a parent, or that I had my own apartment, or that I had a job, or that I was 7 years older than everything else in this world. I simply said, as I wandered to the fridge,
"I just had... An extremely disorienting dream. And... I think it's going to take me a while to adjust to... Life. Again."
My mom showed sympathy, but clearly had no idea what it meant when I said I just had a dream that lasted 7 years. She had no idea the trauma I was feeling, having lost that life. It was as though in one fell swoop my girlfriend and both my kids were killed, and I was transported back 7 years into the past, before they existed, in such a way that they could never exist again.

After eating I went next door to talk to Rae. She was so much younger now, and she lacked so many of the experiences that had shaped her over the years. When I told her a few small details about the dream, she seemed to unsympathetic, saying it was just a dream, and I needed to move on.

This was not my girlfriend... This was not the person I had all those experiences with, and this was not the person who bore two children with me. Who lived with me for over 5 years. Who supported me when I...

...I had to go back home and lie in bed again, staring at the ceiling.

It took me over a week to get back into the groove of my life again. But I don't think I ever truly came back and healed from that experience. That was another life I lived, and it is gone now. I have been burying these memories in the back of my head for years now, but I can't anymore. I need to accept this as a loss. I need to process this. This is an experience I had, and I need to work through these emotions.

That was the other life I lived. Thank you for reading my story. It is as closely based in truth as I can get it, considering how many memories are so fuzzy.

If I every remember anything more, rest assured, I will write about it. I have been long broken up with Rae at this point, but these memories of my kids are precious to me still. Especially now, since I will never have biological children again.

I will never be able to bear children.
I will never have a uterus.
I will never have eggs to fertilize.
I am infertile.

So those were the only biological kids I will ever have... Jennifer, and Calvin... I miss you...

[EDIT: I drew this picture of Jen on January 1st, 2019. This is a drawing of when she was 6 years old, the way she looked the last day I saw her. It's not perfect, but I can tell it's her, at least. Her hair was a light brown with highlights of reddish blonde in the sun, and her eyes were a lighter brown than mine, with a tiny hint of green sometimes in bright lighting. I remember noticing it one time when we went to the beach when she was around 4 or 5. I still miss her a lot...]