- Can one say he/she forgives someone when he/she is still feeling hurt?
- Does this mean they can't accept the person as he/she is?
- Is it okay to forgive and leave when they're so hurt that they don't know how to handle it anymore? Does that still mean you're forgiving them?
- Am I allowed to feel or exist?
Linked to the post was a JP Sears video titled "How to Forgive". I felt I should reply with something.
I've seen that video before, but don't remember all of what it discussed. I don't know if this helps, but your questions bring to mind a fight I recently had with my boyfriend. It's a bit of a long story, but suffice it to say we were both in tears, I was definitely in the wrong, and the situation had triggered PTSD issues from both of us.
We got the chance to sit down and talk about it later that day. He asked me what was going on in my head, and explained what happened in his. Once we had both explained ourselves, he said that he forgives me, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he still feels the same level of trust as he did before.
He forgave me because he deeply loves me, but also because he saw that I was genuinely upset and wanted to better myself so it would never happen again. One cannot, however, make a conscious decision to truly trust someone. His trust needs to be built up again over time. But once built up again, the fact the two of us made it through our strife will likely deepen the bond between us.
This conversation with him brought to light something that hadn't really clicked in my head before. Forgiving is not the same as trusting. This made me question what my definition of forgiving even is.
So to forgive, I suppose, is to let the issue go. To truly forgive must require a sense of confidence that the problem will be, or has been, resolved. My boyfriend was certainly still upset with me to some degree, but he knew that it would pass, and that I was learning from the experience.
Trust, on the other hand, is another matter that is somewhat more out of our control. We can choose to open ourselves up to the possibility of trusting someone, but we cannot truly force ourselves to trust. That is something that must be built up, often through vulnerability with each other. If you find yourself unable to be vulnerable with someone, it may be a good idea to ask yourself why that is.
To answer your bonus question as well, I believe it is our privilege as human beings to feel, and to exist. Considering the number of possible people that could have existed in this world, most people never even get a chance to exist! It's pretty miraculous that we, you and I, get this opportunity, against all the odds.
This turned out to be longer than I intended... In any case, I hope it helped in some way, or provoked some good thoughts. Remember to breathe. Take care of yourself! You're worth it <3
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