The Other Life I Lived [Updated 1-1-19]

Hey, everyone!

Heads up, this is a very long post, and the story is kind of scattered. The original post date was October 31st, 2017. I did the spellchecking and formatting on the fly as I typed, so I don't know how many typos, readability issues, or inconsistencies there are in the memories. It's painful for me to read through all the way, so edits or updates are likely to be few.

That being said, this was last updated on 1-1-19 to add a drawing of my daughter and to add a name that I remembered.

I have an archive of nearly all the digital conversations I have had over the past decade. I document things like a digital pack rat. Among those things I document are little scraps of things that have happened in my past, and dreams that I vividly remember.

I think it's time I talked a bit about one particular dream. This dream changed my life. No joke, I was a different person after waking up from that dream. The act of waking up was a scarring experience, and it took me over a week to get over it. To this day, when I think about it in detail, I still feel a strong emotional reaction. It's been about 6 years now since I had the dream, so I think now is a decent time to do this. My memory is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to recall it as best I can.

This was a dream in which I lived out my life for about 7 years.

Now I don't mean I experienced various events, and by the end 7 years had past, no. I mean I spent 7 years in this dream. I ate breakfast. I went to sleep. I got a job. I moved out of my parent's house. I changed and cleaned diapers. This was 7. Years. Long.

The earliest memory I have of the dream begins much like a typical dream, with oddities and inconsistencies, though it was based closely on reality. My girlfriend in this dream was the same person I was dating at the time in real life. For the sake of anonymity and minimal awkwardness, let's call her Rae. There was a tornado warning and evacuation for our area, and my family and my Rae's family were scrambling to get out. It's kind of hard to remember exactly how this worked out, but we got caught in the high winds and were actually lifted off the ground running away from it. We managed to survive, and the tornado didn't actually end up truly destroying anyone's houses in our neighborhood. It really just shook us up more than anything. But after that tornado, Rae and I felt a somewhat stronger bond, having gone through such an experience together. 

This stronger bond helped us get through various issues as our relationship progressed. The events of the tornado showed us the selfless acts we would do to protect one another.

I remember sleeping the night that followed the tornado incident, feeling so exhausted. So tired. So glad I didn't have anywhere to be the next day, but sad that I wasn't able to share a bed with Rae, since her parents were still squeamish about that.

You know how, in real life, you can't remember everything that has happened to you over a long period of time? Like, you can't remember every day? Or every detail? That's how this feels when I think about it. And I've lived so long now in reality that even more details about this dream world are slipping from me, since I'm living life now as though these events never transpired. But they did happen to me. In my mind. They're quite real to me.

Some days had passed in recovery from the tornado, but everything worked out fine, and really, we were all back to normal after a little over a week. I was taking college courses at the time, and so was Rae, at a different college. We lived in the same neighborhood though, so we saw each other a lot.

I don't remember the exact time frame, but I want to say about 3 months after the tornado, Rae and I had a pregnancy scare. And this is particularly eerie, because I actually had a real pregnancy scare with her in real life some time after this dream. In real life she wasn't actually pregnant. In the dream, however, she was. It changed everything. There was a ton of drama coming from all sides, and I was honestly worried her mom was going to kill me (she seriously owns a crossbow in real life). But I never doubted for a second that I would stand by her side no matter what she chose to do. 

To my surprise, she decided to have the baby.

But she was in no way the type to submit the rest of her life to staying home because of a child. She wanted to pursue higher education, and she had a promising career path. I encouraged that she do what she wants with her life, and I declared my support to try and make it happen, despite the baby. I would stay home if need be.

I stuck my feelers out around college, looking everywhere for a good job opportunity to help make some income. I needed to help save up, because kids are expensive. My mom was delighted at the idea of acting as a babysitter and parent mentor. I was terrified. The idea of having kids is terrifying! You are completely responsible for the life and development of another helpless human being. There's no possible way for you to prepare yourself for it, and there's no possible way you will be perfect at it.

I found a job opportunity. I was so lucky! My internship at Microsoft paid off, and I found an actual position as a video editor. I got to stay there, and they gradually took advantage of my experience in fixing technology, which helped make me more valuable to them. It was stressful work, but I fell into a good groove over time. I developed some good work relationships with a co-worked named Michael (I forget his last name), and my boss's name was Larry Larsen. I remember them both quite well, actually. Larry was not the type of guy you want to leave hanging... Every second counted to that guy. You talk fast, you multitask, you simplify. That's the kind of guy he was. He loved to party just as hard as he worked... I don't understand how the guy could handle being that high energy all the time. Michael though, he was far more laid back. A little too laid back sometimes, but he knew what he was doing. Reliable guy. Anyway, I should probably move on... I'd rather focus on the parts of this dream that really matter to me, more than my job.

This job was a godsend though. I had never experienced anything like a true paycheck before, and this opened up so many doors in my life. I could financially support myself and Rae, so our parents wouldn't have to deal with the financial burden of the baby. And I managed to land this job before the baby came. Rae got to keep doing what she wanted to do, though it was... Definitely a challenge dealing with the pregnancy. That had to have been the longest 9 months ever. Unfortunately I don't remember enough of the details to adequately explain how it went. I remember a lot of anxiety though, especially in combination with being terrified about my job performance, because I really needed to keep that stable income.

Rae's water broke in the night, around 8 or 9pm. We still didn't live together, so I got the call from her parents, and I rushed over. Her parents took over and drove to the hospital while I got my hand crushed by Rae, while receiving lots of obscene comments on the part I played in this whole pregnancy situation, with an occasional heartfelt thank you for being there at the same time.

Painkillers helped somewhat in this process. I never really comprehended what it means to birth a child until then... I had seen videos of births before, but it's different when you're there... It's really scary. You're afraid for your partner's life, you're afraid for the baby's life, and... You're afraid of being a bad parent... And... You're excited. I was excited. I was also surprised by the smell. Never anticipated the smell... I was also frustrated, because doctors don't like people being in the room, but there was no way in hell they were keeping me out of there.

And then I heard my daughter's voice cry out for the first time. Jennifer was brought into the world. The feeling when you hold your first newborn child in your arms is indescribable. It's a part of you. There's an attachment that goes beyond words, beyond understanding. It's like there was a psychic link between me and her. I used to be terrified I wouldn't know what the baby was going to want when it cried, but that fear was somehow gone. I always knew what Jennifer wanted. Her crying and baby babble sounded all the same to everyone else, but to me, there were differences. Little changes in pitch, little differing inflections. They all meant something, and we understood each other. She was my daughter... I never knew love like that before.

This... This continues to be one of the hardest things I've had to accept. Sure, I never got that job in real life, but jobs come and go, who cares about those. Jennifer wasn't there when I woke up from this dream. Jennifer wasn't real. My daughter isn't here. I never got to see her grow up past age 6. I will never see her again. It still makes me cry to think about that. I have spent so much time in reality now that I've forgotten her birthday. How could I forget her birthday? I feel like a terrible parent for forgetting... It was in May. May... 16th? May 17th? I don't know... I miss her... She cost me so many sleepless nights, and she drove me crazy, but I miss her so much...

Typing that made me very emotional and I had to take a break... You get the idea. But wait, there's plenty more. She was only just born, and we still have 6 years to go...

Her full name was Jennifer Rin, and she had Rae's last name, which I will not say on a public forum for privacy's sake. I seem to be blanking on what happened after Jen's birth, so I guess I will continue on from the next parts I remember. After Rae's recovery, she continued her classes and high education. We traded off looking after Jen as we were home. At this point I stopped going to school, since I got a decent paying job, and I could not do all of that at once. I wanted to, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I can't be in two places at the same time.

Jen was loud at night. Just like me, she had trouble going to sleep at a decent hour. Rae went to bed earlier than me, and I had a fairly flexible schedule for work, so I looked after Jen by myself most nights. She would sleep in my bed with me, because I believe that small children need to be close to their parents, especially at this early an age. I took my bed frame away and put the mattress directly on the floor. I surrounded the whole floor area around it with pillows and blankets, and essentially baby-proofed my room. The place was perfectly safe, as far as I was aware, for Jen to get up and wander around in the night if she got restless while I was asleep. But as far as I can remember, I don't think she ever did. 

When we were in bed together, we played little games with our hands. Her hands were so tiny! And her fingers! They were fun to poke and lightly squeeze, and she'd grab my finger and bite it with her gums. That became less fun when she started teething... It just felt so amazing that she existed. This tiny little human came from me and Rae. She started from practically nothing, and turned into this little being laying in bed with me, nomming my finger. I booped her nose, and she'd grab mine, poke me in the eye, stick her fingers in my ears, and so on... We kept each other company this way when we couldn't sleep, but oftentimes she fell asleep before I did. Sometimes it got old, but really, I found it quite entertaining for longer than I would've expected I would.

One part I definitely don't miss is changing the diapers. While I was still living in the basement apartment of my mom's house, I took advantage of her natural motherly instincts to do it for me whenever possible. But she pushed it off on me more and more. Jen didn't throw up as often as I expected a baby to do, but it happened sometimes when I was burping her. A few light pats on the back, and a wet splatting sound over my right shoulder... It made me occasionally move to a non-carpeted area, just to burp her. It strange how cleaning up your child's excrement is different from cleaning cat litter, or dog poop, or anything like that. It's like... The connection I shared with her made it feel like I was cleaning up my own mess. It didn't feel like wiping someone else's butt, it became just as natural as wiping my own. I figured out easier and better ways to do it over time. My mother taught me methods with reusable diapers, so that helped save a good amount of money, and I think the cloth diapers were more comfortable for Jen. If I was the one wearing them, I'd choose the cotton. So why would I want less for her?

Other people's kids seemed so whiny, but Jen seemed calm. She was curious, but like... A kind of introspective curious. She would go up and try to get into trouble here and there, as any kid would do, but sometimes instead she would analyze things before touching them. Poke at them before grabbing them. Stare at them before shoving her face into them. It's like she was thinking about it. She reminded me of myself in that way. I think part of the reason she didn't cry as much as I expected is because of that understanding I felt I had with her. She didn't have to, because I knew what she wanted. I tried to make myself there for her, sometimes just sensing that she needed me on certain days, so I couldn't leave her at home with my mom. I brought her to work with me on occasion, when we didn't have filming to do in the greenscreen room, and when Michael was feeling generous. I think he liked her, but he didn't want to admit it. Larry didn't like the idea of having her in the studio though, so I couldn't do that too often.

I had not discovered I was trans at this point in my life, though my relationship with Rae was already fairly reversed in terms of gender roles. Throwing Jen into the mix just emphasized that even more. I was clearly the "mother", and Rae was clearly the "father". I hadn't truly questioned my gender yet, but I accepted that that's who I am, and went with it.

Rae and I began to talk about living together, since being split apart in two different houses was making things a little complicated. Paying no significant amount in rent at the time, and no expenses other than Jen's food and wipes and things, I had saved up a considerable amount to get us started in an apartment. Jen's first birthday was at my mom's place, but I believe it was soon after that that Rae and I moved out into our own apartment.

Jen blew out the candle on her cupcake all by herself! ... After I demonstrated how it was done, and re-lit it. As she stared at the candle, the fire light sparkling in her brown eyes, the shadows dancing around her light brown hair, the look on her face... Everything was new to her. It worried me, the fascination she had with the fire. Luckily she never hurt herself with it. She was smart. We've had a couple of mishaps here and there with Jen getting into things I didn't want her to, or bonking herself into stuff. But such is life... We managed, and Jen turned out okay so far. 

I don't remember what town we moved to now... It might have been Redmond? No way, that can't be right. Rae was going to WSU, and there's no way she'd make a commute like that every day. We must have moved up north, somewhere closer to Bellingham. Our new apartment was... A stressful adventure. Not just the moving and everything, but getting used to having our own place. Doing the dishes and various housework proved difficult for me to keep up on a regular basis, amidst my job and the baby. But Rae came through and took care of everything. It was a great balance, since we both seemed to be talented in areas the other was not. The apartment made it so Rae and I could finally sleep in the same bed with Jen. Sometimes. Rae needed a different room in order to get enough sleep on occasion... I guess some people just don't have matching circadian rhythms with their daughters. Really, it felt like Jen helped me get a to sleep sometimes. She fell asleep before I did all the time, and she brought me a kind of peace of mind. Watching her sleep, wondering what she was dreaming about, was like counting sheep for me.

... At least until she started teething. I believe this kicked in a little before her first birthday. Everyone said she was rather late, but come on, everyone's unique. In real life, I don't actually even know when this is suppose to occur in babies. When it started though, it seemed like it was going fast. I don't know how quickly teeth are supposed to grow, but I seem to remember her having all her teeth by... Sometime in the vicinity of her second birthday? It must have been awful for her, the pain from such rapid growth... She would wake up crying sometimes because of the pain. I didn't know what to do to help, but my mom gave me something. I don't remember what it was... I know I had something to help with her pain relief... This was a really hard time for me, and resulted in me having to take some time off from work on occasion, just to get some sleep. Rae really came through for me during this time, I remember, making sure to get me enough sleep, telling me to take naps, taking care of Jen so I could have days off from everything sometimes.

It occurs to me, I didn't glue Jen to the TV with cartoons and things. I did little activities with her, gave her my stuffed animals, and had her play with physical objects and puzzle games (no small pieces). I guess I felt like the TV was going to brainwash her, and I wanted her to experience life in reality before discovering the bright colors and hypnosis of visual media. Kind of ironic, considering I worked in video production. I guess it also felt a bit like a break for me, too.

I'm blanking on a ton of details and events between this point and Jen's third birthday. I just remembered she loved The Little Mermaid. That was something she and Rae had in common somewhat, and Rae did a themed decoration around the apartment for Jen. I know Jen had friends, and I know some people showed up... I can't remember any details on that though. It's like... I know I experienced all of this, but so much of it has disappeared from my memory now over the years, as I pushed it away and declared it to be not real. Jen had Rae's naturally straight hair, and it was a kind of hue between strawberry blonde and light brown. She liked it worn loose, with bangs. I was actually a bit jealous of how cooperative her hair was, and it very rarely tangled. Though I brushed it every night, usually before brushing the tangles out of mine.

I know we had outings with Jen, and we did fun activities and things, but I don't remember what they were. I have this vague memory of an aquarium, but I don't know if that's something else, unrelated. It's strange, like I know that we did things. Life wasn't this constant repetitive grind EVERY day. But somehow the repetitive parts of this life are the only ones I'm really remembering, maybe because they stuck harder in from the repetition.

I believe it was the November after Jen's 3rd birthday that we learned Rae was pregnant again. By this point, Rae's experience and reputation in university was spreading. Combined with her various scholarships and honor society rep, she was given a few potential job opportunities. She wanted to pursue one of the jobs in particular, but the baby complicated things a bit, and she still wanted to continue to finish her degree program at Western.

To my surprise, Rae decided to keep this baby too. I felt like this went against her character, not getting an abortion in this situation. But I supported her, so long as it was truly the decision she wanted to make. Once again we went through the chaos of pregnancy. This one seemed to have more vomit than the other one, I think. I'm rather hazy on the details surrounding this pregnancy, as it all feels kind of like a blur in my mind.

It felt like before I knew it, we were rushing off to the emergency room. It bothers me so much that I can't remember this birth in the same level of detail as I remembered Jen's. But I do have a memory of bringing Rae home. I don't know what day it was... But I believe it was sometime in August.

... Now I'm feeling really guilty again, like a horrible parent. I barely remember his birth. It seems like something I wouldn't forget, except that this was a dream. His first and middle names were Calvin Jin, with the same last name as Rae, just like Jen. I am pretty sure Rae gave him his first name and I gave him his middle name. Heh, Calvin Jin and Jen Rin. I guess I had a thing for three letter names.

Calvin seemed to warm up more to Rae than Jen did. I seem to remember her taking to him more intuitively as well. Where Jen and I had a kind of telepathic bond, and I always knew what she wanted, I couldn't seem to figure out Calvin in quite that same way. Rae seemed to have it quite under control though. She never really told me, but I'm pretty sure she had a similar bond with Calvin as I did with Jen. Rae would make things seem like they should have been obvious, but I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I know they're two different kids, but really, they were both our kids. You'd think raising them would be at least a somewhat similar experience. Jen was the thinker and analyzer, and Calvin seemed to be the curious little chaos dinosaur. It was so much easier cleaning the diapers of the kid who didn't have a built-in fire hose. I remember getting hit directly in the face once, just above the nose. I cautiously kept a hand up for self defense at various points in the changing ever since.

You would think that as I get closer to the end of the dream I would be remembering things in greater detail, but somehow that's not happening. It feels like things are getting more foggy. The only detailed memory I can remember well enough to tell right now comes from 3 years after Calvin's birth. I remember that Jen was 6 years old, and Calvin was 3. Rae made us breakfast, in an very happily intellectually sarcastic mood. Both Rae and I had jobs at this point, she was a forensic psychological evaluator, and I still had the editing job. I usually worked from home at this point, considering I was often taking care of the kids, but this particular day I had to drive down to Redmond to check in with Larry and Michael on a collaboration we were doing on some new holographic tech we were documenting. I was leaving before Rae, so she was making sure the kids got to school.

The image I have of this moment is pretty vivid. The kitchen had a kind of bar-style counter-top on one side, where the kids ate breakfast. Rae was in the kitchen finishing up eggs, toast, bacon... Or was is sausage... Calvin was pestering Rae, jumping around the entrance to the kitchen, babbling here and there about geometry stuff he learned in school. Calvin was just entering first grade, and Jen was in third. Calvin bounced around on the balls of his feet, a lot like I do, come to think of it. Jen was patient, climbing up onto one of the chairs in front of the bar counter, waiting for her plate, muttering under her breath for Calvin to shut up. Rae said something in response... I wish I remember what it was. It was clever, whatever it was, and it actually got Calvin to quiet down a bit, and made Jen blush.

I was witnessing this glorious display right after scrubbing my face and getting dressed in my work pants and a button up shirt. As the events unfolded, I stood there by the dining table and watched for a while thinking, "Look at them. That's my family. These are my kids. And we're turning out alright."

I walked up behind Jen and put my hand on her head and told Rae I needed to grab my food and eat in the car, because I was running behind in getting out the door. Jen leaned over in her chair and hugged me, and Calvin ran from the kitchen over to my leg and grabbed hold, hugging it the way a barnacle hugs the hull of a ship. I look down at each of them and say "Aw, I love you too."

Rae stops and looks at me for a moment, as I'm stuck with the kids hanging off of me, and says, "Looks like you're not moving from that spot." 
I shake my leg and tell Calvin to sit in his chair, and I give Jen a return hug with my right arm. Rae hands me my food in a plastic container, apparently foreseeing that I was going to run late. As I walk away from her chair I kiss Jen on the cheek, 
"Have fun at school," I said, briefly touching foreheads, and smiling at her as I turn to Calvin's chair. I ruffle his hair and kiss him on the forehead.
"...and you stay out of trouble. Rawr."
"Rawr!" he exclaimed, in reply.
"Love you! See you after school!" I waved at Rae and the kids as I walked toward the door.

As I walked out the door it got darker, and suddenly it was like there was a wall in front of me. I started breathing really heavy and fast, in a mild panic. Suddenly my clothes were gone, and I was laying on my back. In bed. But whose bed?!

I had woken up. I had no idea where I was, I was freaked out that I was suddenly naked and in an unknown place. I jumped up and noticed that I recognized the room. I was in my old room, from about 7 years ago. I looked back at my bed and checked the clock on the night stand. It was around 2pm. I sat down, completely freaking out, realizing that the only logical solution to this is that that was a dream. But there's no way that was a dream. I put some clothes on and walked slowly outside the room. The living room was just like it was 7 years ago. The bathroom too. I went back into my room and checked a calendar. It was 2011, not 2018.

I started to remember what I had done yesterday in real life. I began to cry uncontrollably as it sunk in that it actually was all a dream somehow. I brought my body under the bed covers and buried my face into the pillows and howled in tears. If that was all a dream, then I would never see my family again. My kids never existed. I would never see them again. I descended into a paralyzing panic attack.

After about an hour and a half or so, I finally calmed down into a state of deep numbness, staring at the ceiling. As I stared at the ceiling I recalled so many memories. I thought about how many experiences that was, and how it was somehow all crammed into one night's sleep. I made the comparison to the Star Trek TNG episode, The Inner Light. Sure, you might find it to be a funny comparison, but in that moment, there was nothing funny about it whatsoever. It was horrifying, waking up and realizing nearly everything I cared about in the world was gone, never even having existed in the first place.

I contemplated whether I truly wanted to go on living, or whether I woke up into yet another dream. I was honestly considering suicide, because how could I do this? How could I go back 7 years and live it all over again? Especially if I knew I wasn't going to have those same kids again this time around? That I wouldn't have that life? That all my effort over those 7 years meant nothing.

As I stared at the ceiling the memories from my 7 year dream were already fading into the back of my mind. I wrote some of it down in a mad scramble to not forget it. Now, 6 years after having that dream, I cannot find that note, but I never forgot. I couldn't forget.

I was in my room coming to terms with what had happened for about 4 or 5 hours before I realized I was starving, and I had to leave my room eventually to get food. I went upstairs, slowly, bracing myself for what I was going to see.

My mom and my step-dad were upstairs, business as usual. They said hi, and I awkwardly said hi back, knowing that they had no idea what I had just been through. I had to keep in mind that they had no idea I was a parent, or that I had my own apartment, or that I had a job, or that I was 7 years older than everything else in this world. I simply said, as I wandered to the fridge,
"I just had... An extremely disorienting dream. And... I think it's going to take me a while to adjust to... Life. Again."
My mom showed sympathy, but clearly had no idea what it meant when I said I just had a dream that lasted 7 years. She had no idea the trauma I was feeling, having lost that life. It was as though in one fell swoop my girlfriend and both my kids were killed, and I was transported back 7 years into the past, before they existed, in such a way that they could never exist again.

After eating I went next door to talk to Rae. She was so much younger now, and she lacked so many of the experiences that had shaped her over the years. When I told her a few small details about the dream, she seemed to unsympathetic, saying it was just a dream, and I needed to move on.

This was not my girlfriend... This was not the person I had all those experiences with, and this was not the person who bore two children with me. Who lived with me for over 5 years. Who supported me when I...

...I had to go back home and lie in bed again, staring at the ceiling.

It took me over a week to get back into the groove of my life again. But I don't think I ever truly came back and healed from that experience. That was another life I lived, and it is gone now. I have been burying these memories in the back of my head for years now, but I can't anymore. I need to accept this as a loss. I need to process this. This is an experience I had, and I need to work through these emotions.

That was the other life I lived. Thank you for reading my story. It is as closely based in truth as I can get it, considering how many memories are so fuzzy.

If I every remember anything more, rest assured, I will write about it. I have been long broken up with Rae at this point, but these memories of my kids are precious to me still. Especially now, since I will never have biological children again.

I will never be able to bear children.
I will never have a uterus.
I will never have eggs to fertilize.
I am infertile.

So those were the only biological kids I will ever have... Jennifer, and Calvin... I miss you...

[EDIT: I drew this picture of Jen on January 1st, 2019. This is a drawing of when she was 6 years old, the way she looked the last day I saw her. It's not perfect, but I can tell it's her, at least. Her hair was a light brown with highlights of reddish blonde in the sun, and her eyes were a lighter brown than mine, with a tiny hint of green sometimes in bright lighting. I remember noticing it one time when we went to the beach when she was around 4 or 5. I still miss her a lot...]

The Comments Section, Part 9 (Gender Neutral Pronouns)

Looks like the Oxford dictionary actually confirms that word "they" and its variants have been in use as a singular pronoun since the 16th century, and people didn't start insisting that it was "gramatically incorrect" to use it that way until recently.
Here are some examples:

• "Ask a friend if they could help."
• "I mentioned this to someone at work today and they looked at me funny."
• "My friend got so mad they turned off their cell phone."

They / them / their / themself - these have been used as singular pronouns for unspecified gender for centuries now. The only difference I'm seeing is that now, for non-binary people, we often include their name in the sentence. 
For example:

• "Ask Jamie if they can help."
• "I mentioned this to Taylor at work today, and they looked at me funny."
• "Jules got so mad they turned off their cell phone."

Now suddenly people have trouble with it. Now these people have names, which causes us to try and paint a picture of the person's gender and appearance. But we're not specifying their gender, despite the fact we specified their name. It feels like we're only specifying part of the person.

This goes to show that isn't about they/them pronouns being grammatically incorrect. This is about us associating names with genders so closely that we feel like we're getting incomplete information.

But if a person clearly tells you that they use they/them pronouns, you're not getting incomplete information. That is ALL the information. Just accept that non-binary genders exist and move on. The sooner we accept this change in our language, the sooner we can stop making these people invisible. We need to just move on and stop antagonizing these people for who they are. Their lives are hard enough already.

The Comments Section, Part 8 (Germany's Energy Surplus)

In reply to an article posted on Facebook about Germany's renewable energy driving their energy costs below zero.

I guess I feel have to keep people in check so they keep thinking, and not taking even good news at face value. I am not directly involved with the German energy initiative, nor am I an expert on this stuff, but I do know there's a lot of information on the internet that gets shared out of context, to feed into bias of certain ideals. Whether those ideals are noble or not, we should never let ourselves give in to misinformation simply because it supports our opinions.

All of life is a balance. It is not about right and wrong, left and right, black and white, good and evil... It's more complicated than that, and there are nearly always more than two sides to every issue. It is a series of gray areas. It is a balancing act. Not as a seesaw balances, which tips in only two directions, but a top, which can tip and fall in any direction. When we have learned to stop thinking like there is only a right and wrong side to things, then, maybe, we will have become wise enough to see that not everything is as it seems, and our opinions are not always correct.

Unfortunately this information was taken quite out of context, and this website isn't citing sources. This is actually evident of instability in their energy market, and various other sources online say Germany pays more for their energy overall than most other countries in Europe. This was a fluke that lasted 1 day, rather than a consistent fact that their costs are in the negative.

Days with high wind and sun produce a massive surplus of energy in Germany, but because they are relying so heavily on sources of energy that produce so inconsistently, wind and solar, they have a shortage of renewable energy on overcast days in Winter when the wind is still and there is less daylight in the day/night cycle. During those times of energy shortage, they need additional power from sources they can more easily turn on and off. They are phasing out nuclear power, which is the cleanest non-renewable source of energy in terms of carbon emissions, so this is why they still need, and continue to use, a large number of coal-based power plants and natural gas. But those are very dirty, and it creates an energy surplus situation where a lot of energy is going to waste.

This whole process means that, despite all these efforts thus far, the carbon emissions in Germany aren't quite declining as fast as planned, even though they've made such a large jump into renewable energy. They probably shouldn't have been so quick to phase out nuclear before coal, but maybe they have a plan. I'm not an expert, I just Google things, so I could also be wrong on various points.

Their hearts are definitely in the right place, but they need to find a more consistent means of gathering renewable energy, like hydroelectric power plants. And they're working on that! I totally support that they're actually working on this! All of this is data the world needs to see, to help us learn how to do it right. I hope they meet their 2020 goals so they can show the world how it's done.

Minecraft Class Memories, Part 2

Notice:

Many of the quotes are paraphrases based on memory. They may not be 100% accurate, but they get the general point across in what was said.

If you did not read about the war between the Ender Warriors and the Bone Archers, click here to read about it. It gives this story far more context.

So, continuing from our previous story, this is another story about my Thursday 6-8 grade 2016-2017 Minecraft class. Our story begins about 3 or 4 weeks after where we left off with the war situation.

Fairy Tale: Non-Representative Democratic Communism - No official leader
Fairy Tale is still quite small and not technologically focused, but they've worked out everything they really need, and their exploring frequently brings them valuables for trade with Jace. They have run across some situations where they could not come to consensus, and have thus put matters up to a majority vote. This behaviour, being democratic, makes them a Communist civilization that uses Democracy to solve their more difficult social issues. Still no leader has been elected, and no single person appears to act as a leader.

Bone Archers: Democratic Republic - President: Alex - VP: Jake - Ambassador: Kai
Having been so victorious in our last story, the Bone Archers have grown in population to the point where over 50% of the class are citizens of their city. They now have a reinforced citadel wall lined with spike traps to defend their capital, and they moved their primary storage pit into the basement of the citadel. They are prepared to defend themselves, but are not actively working on weapons or armor technologies anymore.

Ender Warriors: Autocracy - Dictator: Zack
In shambles after the previous story events, the Ender Warriors have become extremely small in size. Still following Zack as dictator, still determined for greatness, and still armed with the weaponry Zack developed, they have run off in search of adventure and large monsters to slay, in hopes to find treasure. Unfortunately, they did not consider the fact that large monsters typically don't have much of value. But they seem to have fun slaying the monsters nonetheless.

Wheat World: Democracy - President: Isiah - VP: Cameron - Ambassador: Cameron
Wheat World, now having calmed down after the war situation, is struggling with some issues with their president being too laid back. The civilization is starting to fall apart due to political inaction. 

And this is where our story begins...

President Isiah was giving too much power to Vice President Cameron. He was not making active decisions for the group's overall growth, instead running off to do his own thing, leaving Cameron in charge. Cameron would approach him with ideas, and he would simply say yes and move on.

The lack of attention being paid to the citizens of Wheat World was starting to show. 

The citizens were making secret underground caverns and building private bunkers. One citizen in particular, Ivan, had a great system of private ore smelters and casting tables. He also had a large storage facility, the entirety of which was unknown to, and hidden from, the other citizens and leaders. The entrance to this cavern and bunker system was hidden using a door that was designed to look exactly like the wall of a mountainside, similar to the back door of Erebor, from The Hobbit.

All of this was built because, most probably, Ivan did not trust his leaders, but still wanted to use them for what they provided, and did not want to move. He did not share any of his personal stores and kept very much to himself.

The Bone Archers, having gained so many new citizens, began to realize an extreme need to expand again. 

They needed to grow their city outward to make room for new buildings and facilities for their immigrants. So Ambassador Kai was sent to scout the surrounding areas and find a area to expand into. There is a classroom rule that says claimed land must have signs and fences* surrounding it to illustrate a definite property line. Most of the surrounding area was claimed already, made evident by the signs and fences. But there was a perfect empty area in a fairly large nearby swamp. 
*I provide the students with an endless supply of signs and fences for this purpose.

Kai reported his findings back to President Alex, and Alex had Vice President Jake get the construction team working on fencing and signing the area to claim the land. After the land was sufficiently marked as claimed, Jake put Kai in charge of the construction and went back to work on his steam powered drilling system for advanced mining. Kai got the team of immigrants working on the bridges and foundations necessary for building on the swamp land, since the plan was that they were going to build their own buildings together, and the Bone Archer capital would supply the resources they need to do so. Kai was just overseeing, in case they needed help.

The swamp land that the Bone Archers were expanding into pushed the Bone Archers closer toward Wheat World. 

But Jake and Kai left a small neutral zone between them, so the fenced areas weren't pushed directly up against each other. They figured that was a good idea because it would make Wheat World feel less like they were being "taken over", since the Bone Archers had no ill intent. And the creeks and bodies of water in the swamp helped act like a natural border as well.

Everything looked like it was completely thought through! There would be no problem, right?

Wrong, unfortunately... Ivan's caverns passed underneath that swamp land. He didn't claim the surface area because he didn't think to, and also because this whole area was supposed to be a secret in the first place. So Ivan, after noticing that the Bone Archers were expanding onto the swamp's surface, began to audibly protest the expansion. During his protest of the expansion, it looked like he was building something in the swamp, attempting to claim a part of it, or just trespassing. I wasn't sure which. He claimed that the swamp is property of Wheat World, pressing President Isiah and Vice President Cameron to do something about it. Isiah was very apathetic, and Cameron said he had no record that any of Wheat World ever claimed the swamp. Regular little bureaucrats, aren't they?

Ambassador Kai noticed the trespassing, said it was illegal, but because of the circumstances, did not fine him. Ivan left the swamp. Kai said that if the swamp were property of Wheat World, why was none of it clearly marked as claimed, as per the classroom rules? Ivan replied: 

"The surface may not be claimed, but we have mining caverns underground that are."

Now this prompted Ambassador Kai to go looking for those caverns, which made Ivan very uneasy, considering his secret bunker is down there. Kai found the entrance leading down into the caverns, it was on Wheat World land, and the entrance to the cavern was, cleverly, marked as claimed by Wheat World as a mining shaft.

Kai, being in a somewhat time-sensitive position, did not journey back to report this to President Alex, and instead proposed his own answer to the situation:

"Since you have mine shafts underground, and we're just on the surface, how about we make an agreement to never dig underground in this swamp?"

When I overheard that, I thought it was actually a surprisingly good compromise. But unfortunately, Ivan did not think so. He said that he had plans to expand the mine shafts and connect them to various points on the surface. Kai replied:

"Then you probably should have claimed the land on the surface."

That did not go over well with Ivan, who looked visibly upset and demanded that Kai get off his property, in a louder than expected voice. President Alex, hearing raised voices in the classroom, recalled Kai back to the citadel and was briefed on the exchange. Ivan, in the meantime, began talking about going to war over claim of the swamp.

I realized at this point that I'm going to need to keep a very close eye on this situation, because there was some real emotional tension in the room.

I made sure to remind both sides that there are rules in this classroom, during times of peace or war, that nobody can steal or destroy another person's belongings.

I went back and forth between Ivan and the Bone Archers to get their sides of the story, and to occasionally help act as a mediator to ensure nobody will get too enraged during conversation. Alex maintained that the Bone Archers were legally in the right, and Ivan started going down a spiral of calling them evil, claiming they wanted to take everyone over. Because of Ivan's behaviour, Alex stood his ground and made less effort to communicate, since he saw it wasn't accomplishing anything. 

When I saw that this wasn't going to go anywhere, and that it was clearly going to fester and get worse, I suggested that Ivan purchase the section of land he wanted from the Bone Archers. 

Ivan responded that the swamp is rightfully his, and therefore the Bone Archers should be purchasing it from him.

In the midst of this, unbeknownst to Ivan, Cameron and Isiah were checked out of the situation and discussing breaking off and forming their own group. During the chaos and tension between the Bone Archers and Ivan, Wheat World fell apart, dispersed, and decided to join the Bone Archers, having seen their success. This left only Ivan, who didn't realize his town was being abandoned. He was too busy making weapons to fight the Bone Archers. Isiah and Cameron, at this point, wanted to be a neutral mercenary duo, and they stepped back to see if anyone would hire them during the progressing chaos.

So at this point, Ivan was the only remaining member of Wheat World, effectively making the group disbanded.

Having heard a declaration of war, I told both sides that we need a clear definition of what each side gets if they win or lose. Ivan seemed reluctant to even imagine that they could win, and writing those definitions down proved difficult. Just out of curiosity, I asked Alex what price he would give the swamp land if he would be willing to sell it. He said he would listen to offers, but would not put out a price himself, since he was reluctant to sell.

At around this point, Zack, from the Ender Warriors, came to talk to Ivan. 

Zack said that war is more trouble than it's worth, and that Ivan should try to find a less violent way to solve the problem. 

"Take it from someone who has already learned this lesson," 

he said. I was very proud of that moment... I'm so glad Zack took something valuable away from the events of my previous story :)

The talk of war settled for the next 10 minutes or so, and Ivan remained silent. 

I believe it was at this point we had to wrap things up for the day, so I announced that the server was being shut down in 10 minutes and they had to wrap up what they were doing and log out. We would continue next week. I sat back, observing the students as they logged out of their computers, and I noticed that Ivan was in some deep concentration.

Alex was the last of the Bone Archers to log off, and he and Kai walked by Ivan on their way to the door. 

Alex and Kai both stopped for a moment when they glanced at Ivan's screen. One of the other students said that Ivan was trespassing, and another student said "What are you doing?!" I looked over as the look on Kai's face grew into a panic, and Alex's eyes widened. 

Alex yelled out, "NO!"

Kai pleaded, "Don't do it!"

Alex pointed his finger at Ivan's monitor, looking at me. I didn't know exactly what was happening, but I knew it was time sensitive, and the students were supposed to be logging out, and Ivan was the only one still logged in. So I typed a quick command and kicked Ivan from the server. Then I quickly saved the server and shut it off. Ivan leaped up from his computer and screamed.

"WHAT?!"

He turned to me and screamed again,

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

Surprised at the level of rage and volume I was dealing with, I had to make a conscious effort to keep calm and keep my voice down. I told him I shut the server down, because I don't know what he was doing, but he certainly wasn't logging off. Ivan interrupted me with deep rage in his voice, 

"DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!" 

His voice said one thing, but his tone and expression said he wanted to physically attack me. I pieced a few things together at this point. Many of the items I saw in his inventory about 10 minutes earlier were ingredients for making explosives. I mentally prepared myself; remembering the defensive training I had in Karate class years ago, I said calmly, slowly, and clearly, 

"I know exactly what I have done. I have stopped you from breaking the rules of my classroom. It is unacceptable for you to attack the Bone Archers' base with dynamite. It is even more unacceptable to do so while everybody is logging out for the day, leaving themselves defenseless."

Ivan started to approach me, and began screaming something loudly. I don't remember what he began to scream, because at that moment his father walked into my classroom yelling,

"I don't know WHAT is going on in here, but there can be NO EXCUSE for you to be speaking to your teacher in this manner!"

About this time, Ivan, his father, and myself were the only people in the room; everybody else slipped out the door carefully, Kai quickly whispered "Thank you" in my ear on his way out, while Ivan was talking to his father. I am so glad Ivan's very tall and muscular father showed up, because I was honestly worried I'd have to defend myself, and who knew what that would mean with the other students and expensive electronics nearby. 

Ivan's father laid into him, demanding he apologize for his actions toward me. I explained very briefly what the situation was, and told him I would email him a more detailed description of the events later. Eventually, Ivan apologized. He exploded at his father right afterward for having to apologize, so... I'm not sure it was truly heartfelt, to be honest. They left after a bit. 

I started the server back up by myself to check if there was any property damage, and to move Ivan back to neutral ground.

I logged in with Ivan's character to find that I was right outside the Bone Archer citadel wall, on the side nearest to the capital building's storage rooms. In Ivan's inventory was saltpeter, gunpowder, sulfur, a block of TNT, and a torch. And in his hands were flint and steel, for starting a fire. Had I waited any longer before kicking him from the server, he'd have blown a large hole in the citadel wall, possibly taking out a piece of the Bone Archer storage room with it.

I moved Ivan's character to the neutral trading post and deleted all the explosives and explosive ingredients from his inventory. Then I removed from the server all the explosive crafting recipes, effectively banning all forms of TNT from the server. Some people used TNT for mining, but this situation put an end to that. I logged out, leaving Ivan at the trading post.

The next class day I explained that I was going to let the TNT situation off with a warning for now, since no damage was done.

I told Ivan that if I saw another blatant disregard for the classroom rules again, he would be removed from class. The Bone Archers said they would treat the situation only as an act of trespassing, and ignore that he was holding TNT, since trespassing was the only true act of aggression that took place. Therefore, Ivan needed to pay the trespassing fine. Alex, Jake, and Kai agreed on a 2 diamond fine, equivalent to 48 nuggets*. *Thaumium nuggets are a universal form of currency in the classroom. 48 nuggets isn't a bad price, considering what happened.

Ivan refused to pay the trespassing fine. Kai said that according to their constitution, one-on-one armed combat would also be acceptable. The Bone Archer constitution specified that the combat must be between two people of equal equipment, so neither side has an unfair advantage. Kai was going to act as the Bone Archer representative for the fight.

I agreed to allow the combat, but only if it takes place on a separate server, so nobody else can be affected. I said that I would provide iron plate armor, iron swords, and a longbow with arrows to both parties. If Ivan wins, the fine goes away. If the Bone Archers win, then the fine doubles. As I was preparing the combat server, Kai came over to me and whispered in my ear,

"We really just want to put this situation behind us, so I have Alex's approval to let Ivan win."

I thanked him, because that was actually very big of them, considering the circumstances. Cameron, the former vice president of  the now disbanded Wheat World, offered to pay off Ivan's debts so we could all just go back to enjoying ourselves. Ivan refused to let him.

Glancing at his monitor, I noticed that Ivan was, once again, gathering resources to make explosives. I told him that I disabled all the explosives recipes after last week's incident. He wasn't very pleased with me. He repeated his claim that the Bone Archers were evil, but when I asked him why he thought that, he didn't answer. I asked him what they did to upset him in the first place, and he didn't answer. I saw that he had far more than enough diamonds and currency to pay off his debt, but he insisted that they didn't deserve it. 

At this point I was worried that Ivan was going to jump into the fight, win, and declare that they owed him something afterward besides debt-forgiveness. 

As I was trying to make sure he was on the same page, his responses, though indirect, seemed to indicate to me that he was trying to think up some other means of destroying their citadel.

We spent so much of the class debating over how the debt situation was going to be resolved that nothing ended up happening, and it was getting close for class to end again. Too much talk and not enough solid decisions meant that I had to announce that I was shutting the server down in 10 minutes, so everyone should wrap up what they're doing and make sure they're in a safe location to stop. Ivan chirped up and said, 

"What? I thought were were doing the combat today!"

I replied,

"We no longer have enough time for that. It takes 5 to 10 minutes to set up the arena alone, not to mention the 5 to 10 minutes your fight will take. We'll do it at the beginning of class next week."

Ivan was clearly distraught that he couldn't do the fight now. He said he was working on equipment to use in the fight. I told him that the fight was going to take place on a different server, and that he wouldn't be able to use that equipment anyway. The point is that it will be a fair fight, with the same equipment used on both sides. 

Having heard me this time, he wrapped up what he was doing in-game and logged out. I told him I would have everything prepared for the combat at the beginning of class next week, and that if he changes his mind, the option of paying off his debt with currency still stands.

The next class approached and everyone was ready for the big fight. I had prepared a second server for the combat. 

In that server world was naught but a single building - a scale recreation of the Roman Colosseum. I projected an aerial view of the ring on the classroom projector, so curious viewers didn't have to log onto the server to see the fight. Kai had logged onto the server and chose his side of the ring, equipping the iron equipment I laid out for him.

Ivan entered the classroom, looking happier than I'd seen him in months. He sat down at his computer, opened Minecraft, and while the game loaded he announced,

"Sorry guys, I'm just gonna pay you the two diamonds."

Kai and I shared a moment, looking at each other in great surprise. Kai logged off the Colosseum server and said "Thank you!"

I shut the Colosseum server down and logged onto the regular classroom server to oversee the debt exchange. I told Ivan and Kai it would probably be best to do the exchange at the neutral trading post. They agreed. 

To my surprise, the exchange happened quickly and smoothly. It was just over and done without any issue.

At this point it was apparent to Ivan that Wheat World has disappeared. A bit more distressing a surprise was that former-president Isiah and former-vice president Cameron had both joined the Bone Archers, just like everyone else.

After some processing time, I talked with Ivan and asked if he was okay. He said "Yeah, I feel a lot better now. But I need to find a new group." 

Ivan lived right next to what used to be Wheat World's capital, right by the Bone Archer border. 

Jace was a nomad, but during the events of this class he developed a close trading relationship with the Ender Warriors, effectively becoming one of them. The Ender Warriors invited Ivan to their civilization, but they lived kind of like tribal barbarians now, and that wasn't really him. Fairy Tale was very far away, and not much of an option since he didn't like their communism structure. I told him he's also welcome to be a nomad for a while if he wants time to himself, and there's no rush.

Next week, because I saw a few comparisons, I assigned the students history homework that covered the two Punic Wars. 

Ivan, later, asked if he could join the Bone Archers as a blacksmith ;)

The Comments Section, Part 7 (Forgiveness)

I saw a post online in which somebody asked:

• Can one say he/she forgives someone when he/she is still feeling hurt?
• Does this mean they can't accept the person as he/she is?
• Is it okay to forgive and leave when they're so hurt that they don't know how to handle it anymore? Does that still mean you're forgiving them?
• Am I allowed to feel or exist?

Linked to the post was a JP Sears video titled "How to Forgive". I felt I should reply with something.

I've seen that video before, but don't remember all of what it discussed. I don't know if this helps, but your questions bring to mind a fight I recently had with my boyfriend. It's a bit of a long story, but suffice it to say we were both in tears, I was definitely in the wrong, and the situation had triggered PTSD issues from both of us. 

We got the chance to sit down and talk about it later that day. He asked me what was going on in my head, and explained what happened in his. Once we had both explained ourselves, he said that he forgives me, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he still feels the same level of trust as he did before. 

He forgave me because he deeply loves me, but also because he saw that I was genuinely upset and wanted to better myself so it would never happen again. One cannot, however, make a conscious decision to truly trust someone. His trust needs to be built up again over time. But once built up again, the fact the two of us made it through our strife will likely deepen the bond between us. 

This conversation with him brought to light something that hadn't really clicked in my head before. Forgiving is not the same as trusting. This made me question what my definition of forgiving even is.

So to forgive, I suppose, is to let the issue go. To truly forgive must require a sense of confidence that the problem will be, or has been, resolved. My boyfriend was certainly still upset with me to some degree, but he knew that it would pass, and that I was learning from the experience. 

Trust, on the other hand, is another matter that is somewhat more out of our control. We can choose to open ourselves up to the possibility of trusting someone, but we cannot truly force ourselves to trust. That is something that must be built up, often through vulnerability with each other. If you find yourself unable to be vulnerable with someone, it may be a good idea to ask yourself why that is.

To answer your bonus question as well, I believe it is our privilege as human beings to feel, and to exist. Considering the number of possible people that could have existed in this world, most people never even get a chance to exist! It's pretty miraculous that we, you and I, get this opportunity, against all the odds.

This turned out to be longer than I intended... In any case, I hope it helped in some way, or provoked some good thoughts. Remember to breathe. Take care of yourself! You're worth it <3

The Comments Section, Part 6 (Yahoo Letter)

This is a message I left for Yahoo on their support forum, when I discovered I couldn't change my gender in their account settings, and apparently they have zero customer support except for their FAQ and forum. No phone support, no email support, nothing. Nothing in their FAQ even contained the words "gender" or "sex", and the forum had various posts repeatedly stating that it is impossible to change this option.

After reading through some forum posts, I have come to the conclusion that there is no way for me to change the gender listed on my profile. I understand that I am the only one who can see it, but regardless of that, it is very irritating, and seeing the wrong gender listed on my profile with no way to change it creates a feeling of powerlessness. Trans people don't need more of that in their lives, and this affects them in a deeper way than a majority would have us think.

As a web developer, I find it rather insulting that this option hasn't been added, because this is not a hard thing to accomplish when the name variables are already all laid out for you. There have been requests on your forum from trans and cis people alike, demanding this option. It's a simple matter of giving us the option to change the gender variable. You already have that option for our names. It would take a professional web developer less than an hour to implement this.

Consider this an official request that this option be created, for the sake of the other trans people out there. I, however, will be switching to Gmail, because I'm not patient enough to wait for the Yahoo developers to add this option, and Gmail actually had a customer support person I could email to help me with this. Yahoo, please consider the number of people who have left your service because of oversights like these. Most of them never speak up before they leave.

Minecraft Class Memories, Part 1

So my Thursday Minecraft class last year was a big volatile mess. But in the best way possible, considering the educational value that followed in its wake. 

In this post you'll be introduced to the Minecraft Civilizations class of 2016-2017.

Let's start with a list of all the civilizations and their leaders:

Fairy Tale - Democratic Communism - no official political leaders or ambassadors. 
The most peaceful and silent group in the class. Operated off of pure consensus from the populous, with no particular student acting as organizer or leader. Surprisingly, the consensus agreement that nobody can truly own personal property wasn't a problem for this group, even as time passed. They shared absolutely everything without issue, and did not feel a sense of personal gain was necessary for the betterment of their group. Rather than seeking power of any kind, they simply wanted to co-exist peacefully and send explorers out into the world for adventure and minor riches. Good on them, am I right? It's like Star Trek TNG level of maturity.

Ender Warriors - Autocracy - Unofficial Dictator: Zack - Ambassador: Zack.
This was a very small group. Not super developed technologically or architecturally, but they had significant aspirations of grandeur. They originally formed as an anarchy group and evolved into a non-representative democracy. They thought they continued to be a democracy until the year's end, but I observed that Zack's behaviour actually turned the group into an Autocracy during the events of the following story, since his voice became the voice of the group, and his decisions somehow began to turn into law. This group fell into shambles by the end of the year.

Bone Archers - Democratic Republic - President: Alex - Vice President: Jake - Ambassador: Kai.
This was the largest group I have ever had in a Minecraft class, making up more than half the population of the classroom by the end of the year. Their form of government stayed the same throughout the entire school year, which is very rare. After the group formed their constitution via consensus, they elected Alex as president. Alex held an additional election for a vice president, to act in his stead in the event he was absent from class. At Alex's prerogative, he elected Kai as ambassador, since Kai was loud and was always the first to jump up from his seat. Jake, the vice president, was in charge of technological development. With Alex making developmental decisions for the group, and acting as mediator for lawmaking, this group became the most powerful and prosperous civilization in the class. Citizens from other groups emigrated to the Bone Archers, causing it to grow until it spanned over more land than all the other civilizations combined. Alex held a vote for every new citizen, to allow the majority to determine who was let into the country. Too bad we can't do that in the real world, am I right? With all the power and prosperity, though, came envy, jealousy, and hatred from the other groups, even though the Bone Archers did nothing wrong.

Wheat World - Democracy - President: Isiah - Vice President: Cameron - Ambassador: Cameron.
Operating as a straight-up democracy with no constitution, Wheat World was ruled entirely by the majority. They held an election to determine the president, but after that point, their organization seemed to dissipate. Unfortunately, nobody could seem to get onto the same page. The group was founded under the idea that they would quickly gain a monopoly on the food market, particularly wheat. That gained them some good trading opportunities early on, but unfortunately that wasn't the greatest long-term goal, since the other groups eventually became self-sustaining. This group eventually lost citizens to emigration, disbanded, and became a small band of mercenaries for hire.

Jace - Nomad
This was a lone nomadic student who decided to be a neutral travelling merchant. Throughout the school year he was working on developing nuclear technology, to gain a one-up over the other groups by producing surplus power that he could sell. He was also interested in the power he would have over people by owning a nuclear bomb. His actions throughout the year actually did a lot to stimulate the economy in all the other civilizations, and in situations of diplomatic tension, he managed to remain neutral by cutting off supplies to everybody in the class until the situation was over.

Okay! So now that you've been introduced to the civilizations, you have some context for a great deal of the biggest stories I have to tell.

This class had the most intense political struggle of any of my classes yet. In the beginning, things were going pretty well. The students were a bit loud and impatient on day one, largely from an issue with the game not working properly, but ultimately things were going okay.

But then, about a month after the groups were set up, I think one particular situation set the tone for the strife we would face the rest of the year. 

One of the students dumped a bucket of lava on top of Zack's house, on the Ender Warrior property. 

Luckily Cameron, the Wheat World vice president and ambassador, saw the flames and went to check it out. It was he who screamed "Fire!!", which caused me to rush over to the house with a supply of water. Cameron immediately started dousing the fire with dirt from nearby, and by the time I got there nearly half the fire was already put out. But the damage to the house was done, and more than half of the house was destroyed. Zack was crushed, since he had spent months of class time building that house, and the house contained a majority of the Ender Warrior's wealth in resources.

I spent a great deal of time after class gathering clues, determining suspects, sending emails to some parents, and fixing the fire damage. I recovered all of Zack's resource storage, and rebuilt his house. Eventually I discovered who did it. It was a citizen from Fairy Tale, of all places. I arranged a formal face-to-face apology between the two students after class the next week. It went quite well. Zack fully forgave him. But Fairy Tale lost trust in him, and a couple weeks later he dropped the class.

This, I feel, was the beginning of the chaos. 

I believe that, even though he forgave the kid, Zack had then planted in his head the idea of how much fun it would be to go to war and feel a sense of revenge, or a sense of power, to make up for the feeling he had when he was attacked. The act of terrorism caused tension within the Ender Warriors, whether it went officially forgiven or not.

About a month or so later... 

Zack was talking a lot about the new armor and weaponry he was developing, and how if anyone attacked his group, he would be able to absolutely destroy them. Nobody else in the class was actually talking about attacking anyone, however, and there were no considerably shaky grounds between any groups at the time. 

The only thing creating any drama was the fact that the Bone Archers had grown so much. 

They had developed such advanced technology in the fields of ore processing, automatic chicken farming, electricity, and mining. After having grown as much as they had, they naturally felt a need to protect what they built. As Zack talked about these weapons he had developed, president Alex of the Bone Archers felt it necessary to commission a wall to be built around their capital city, just in case something happens. 

President Alex, heeding the concerns of his citizens, also passed a "no trespassing" law, stating that any unauthorized people caught trespassing on Bone Archer land would be subject to a fine before being asked to leave. In the event the fine is refused payment, the trespasser may challenge a Bone Archer representative in armed combat. So basically, ask permission to enter and you'll be fine.

After the passing of this law, I realized it was time to lecture the class on how visitors within civilizations may be subject to those civilizations' laws, regardless of what laws their own civilization may have. Unless, of course, the two civilizations create a law to protect ambassadors from other civilizations. 

During the construction of the Bone Archer wall and the passing of the "no trespassing" law, Zack must have seen the defensive action as a sign of weakness, fear, guilt, or something otherwise provocative. 

Zack saw the Bone Archers as a force that had to be destroyed. And because of his new weapons technology, he felt powerful. He wanted to use that power. 

Zack's energy and feeling of self empowerment seemed to cause him to become the spokesperson for the Ender Warriors, speaking on their behalf, despite the fact they didn't actually have an official leader. The Ender Warriors citizens stayed pretty quiet and just kind of rolled along with Zack's ideas, not stirring the pot. This caused Zack to, basically, become a dictator, turning the Ender Warriors into an autocratic dictatorship.

During his rise to power, Zack began talking about declaring war on the Bone Archers. 

The Bone Archer ambassador overheard this and spread the word back to the president. In response, Alex ordered that the back and top of the Bone Archer wall be lined with punji sticks, and vice president Jake began researching advanced armor and weapon designs for defense of their citadel.

Zack, realizing that the Bone Archers had exactly twice the population of the Ender Warriors, started seeking out alliances to help guarantee victory. 

Zack reached out to Wheat World, and in the midst of Wheat World's unorganized chaos, ambassador Cameron was given a bizarre amount of negotiating power by president Isiah. 

The combined forces of the Ender Warriors and Wheat World added up to the population of the Bone Archers, and Zack and Cameron began plotting some strategies for how to take the Bone Archer's citadel. However, Cameron wasn't reporting this information back to president Isiah, and nothing was actually brought up for vote. So the Wheat World citizens involved weren't actually aware they might be sent off to a war they never even got a say in fighting.

Seeing that trouble is brewing and might get out of hand within my classroom, I interjected, stating that I will not turn PVP* on unless a clear outline of this potential war is written out on the whiteboard. 

This outline would show clearly what the goals on either side would be, what the spoils would be for victory, and when, exactly, the war would be considered resolved. Basically, it was a call out to get them to ask themselves what they were fighting for, but I didn't want to spell that out for them. I wanted them to figure this out for themselves, but it was clear they needed a nudge in the right direction.

So Zack and Alex met up at the whiteboard for a bit while I asked them what the catalyst would be in order to end the war. At what point would one side be declared victorious?

Zack said that it was obvious that president Alex would have to die in order to declare the Bone Archers defeated. 

But then Alex pointed out that the Ender Warriors have no official leader, so under what circumstances would the Ender Warriors have to declare themselves defeated? And for that matter, what is either side even getting out of this? Zack blurted out that the primary goal for them was the glory of having defeated the Bone Archers. This did not go over well with Wheat World or the Ender Warrior citizens, and one of the Ender Warrior citizens emigrated over to the Bone Archers while Zack wasn't paying attention. Needless to say, the Bone Archers welcomed the new citizen.

Zack became restless and went back to his seat to discuss things with his citizens, and Cameron came over to speak with Zack. 

At this point, Cameron began asking questions regarding what his civilization would actually get from the alliance with the Ender Warriors, stating: 

"I'm not going to risk the lives of my people just so you can have a moment of glory." 

At this point Zack began stating specifics about what they would plunder from the Bone Archers, but it was clear that Zack wanted all the plunder for the Ender Warriors, and wasn't truly considering his allies in this situation. Once again, president Alex raised the question of what the Bone Archers would get to plunder if they won, and from whose supply caches. Considering Wheat World appeared to be allying with the Ender Warriors, they should have repercussions as well, so the Bone Archers should get to plunder them as well as the Ender Warriors.

It was after this statement that Cameron met with Alex privately, and Alex told him just how much advanced weaponry and defensive technology Jake had been building during these debates. Shortly after this meeting, Wheat World officially allied themselves with the Bone Archers, stating:

"If we're going into this war, we may as well side with the team that's more likely to win."

Zack, freaking out that he no longer stood a chance against the Bone Archers, ran over to meet with the citizens of Fairy Tale, to beg them to join his side. Ambassador Kai of the Bone Archers had the same idea. Cameron also made an appearance. So the citizens of Fairy Tale were hearing pleas left and right for an alliance, but they turned everyone away saying:

"[We want] no part of the silly drama that is developing around us." 

While Zack was talking to Fairy Tale, nearly his entire population emigrated to the Bone Archers and were voted in as full citizen status.

While all the ambassadors were in Fairy Tale, Jace, the neutral merchant, was also there trading resources at the time. As the ambassadors were leaving, Jace requested that I personally deliver a message to the class. In a voice that clearly stated that he was sick of everyone's behaviour, he said: 

"Tell everybody that if this war passes anywhere near my personal property, I will detonate a nuclear warhead directly on top of them."

After delivering this message to the class, I received many questions regarding Jace having nuclear technology. I said that the last I heard he was developing a nuclear reactor, but I didn't actually know if it was completed yet. I've been too focused on the political struggles. I did know for a fact, however, that he was refining uranium, which is a primary rare resource needed to produce a nuclear explosive.

Everybody returned to their own civilizations, and there was quiet contemplation within their groups. The Bone Archers felt no threat from Jace's statement, but the Ender Warriors and Wheat World were visibly shaken. 

After some time passed, Zack announced to the class that he was officially retracting his declaration of war, because this whole situation wasn't worth it.

Despite the fact the war never really happened, the Bone Archers ended up with a great deal more population, and the Ender Warriors ended up in shambles, with barely a handful of citizens, and a lot of empty abandoned buildings on their land from when everybody left. The Wheat World president, by the end of all of this, began to consider resigning from office. But that's a story for another time...

So now that this whole situation had come to a close, I went to the front of the class to talk to give a speech:

"So what we just went through for the past month in this class, all that political struggle, the potential for a war, all of it... It got resolved in the end without any bloodshed after everyone truly thought out what it meant to go to war.

Can you imagine what this might have been like if I enabled PVP without asking questions first? You would all likely be in a war situation right now, still. Complete chaos with no end in sight, and no real goals or benefits - just death and frustration. In real life when people die they don't come back, but in this game, your war could have gone on forever.

This is not always how this ends in real life. In real life, political leaders don't have a teacher around to tell them to outline the goals of their war on a whiteboard before they're allowed to kill each other. Oftentimes in real life people declare war before actually thinking things all the way through. People like to react first and ask questions later, and that is a great way to make those situations get out of control. History is covered in examples of people who slaughtered millions because they couldn't stop and come up with another solution.

You have all accomplished today what many throughout history have been unable to accomplish. Congratulations! Give yourselves a round of applause."


*Player vs Player. It's what makes it possible for players to kill each other on the classroom server.