*Sensitive Content* My Transition - Recovering From Trauma

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sensitive Content!

I talk about sexual organs in this post, as well as sexual assault. If you don't want to hear about this stuff, you best skip to the end.

So where was I...

For those who may have noticed, I haven't been very good about catching up on the continuing months after month 13. I was thinking about why I'm having so much trouble with this, and why sitting down and writing, an activity I used to enjoy quite a bit, suddenly makes me feel anxious.

Sexual Assault

I think what it boils down to is sexual assault. As implied in my Month 12 post - I was sexually assaulted that month. 

It's been a bit of a ride recovering from that, even though it wasn't the first time. It was, however, the first time it had happened in which the other person perceived me as female. It was different.

I can joke all I want about how the guy had no idea how to work this bizarre sexual organ that's in my pants. Treating it like a penis was ultimately a failure, and he clearly had no idea what he was doing in his attempt. If he expected me to do any form of penetration, he was very sorely mistaken.

But through those jokes, I'm processing it all. It's sinking in. I joke about it as a means of talking about it, because talking about it prevents it from being completely bottled up. It hurts. I was drunk, high, and asleep, at a St. Patrick's Day party. There's no possible way for me to consent to anything in that state, and the fact that it was someone in my friend group makes it worse.

After that happened I stopped feeling comfortable publicly talking about myself. I didn't feel comfortable showing my body for a while either, wearing thick sweaters and loose baggy clothes that hid my figure. I stopped wearing makeup and push-up bras. My anxiety changed and worsened, and I started having flashbacks to previous sexual assaults. Writing about sensitive details in my life became far more difficult. 

I also had a chain of other issues in my life, including a law suit against my apartment manager, insurance deciding not to cover expensive electrolysis treatment and leaving with a $3,000+ medical bill, and many struggles amidst moving that put strain on my romantic relationship. I have also encountered a lot of painful discrimination, direct and indirect, ranging from people scowling at me to people deliberately calling me a man to my face. There's plenty of chaos to list, but I don't really feel like talking about it in detail right now...

I won the law suit. I'm beginning to recover from the blow the insurance issue did to my bank account. My boyfriend and I are still going strong, and we're now living together. I have a new career as a school district technician that pays more with less stress. Things are getting better.

Catching up...

I would like to be able to say that it will soon be easier for me to regularly talk about my transition in detail on this public medium, but I don't know how long it will be before I feel up to it again.

I have to say, biologically speaking, not much has been changing, to be honest. It's pretty much just more of the same. Breasts continue to fill out, voice still bothering me, facial hair still bothering me, and I still want bottom surgery.

The only major thing that's happened, I think, has been that I have dyed my hair and I have bangs now. And I love my new bangs! I think it further refines and completes my look. This picture is from month 19.

I have just put together a timeline of pictures from before hormone treatment up to just shy of month 20. I'll be releasing that on here at some point.

So rather than continuing the month to month recap, I'm thinking I'll just release bits of information related to individual subjects.