It is done! I have officially had an orchiectomy! I will do my best to describe as much of the process as possible.
Once I was at the outpatient surgery center, we had a volunteer approach me to verify who I was and check off on a list that I was there. We arrived an hour early, but they still checked us in and everything. I approached the main check-in counter and signed the paperwork that says I allow them to operate on me. My co-pay was $15, which I was completely okay with paying up front. They stuck a little identity bracelet on my left wrist after I verified that all my information was correct.
I go to sit back down, but I only manage to get my coat off before someone approaches us and says they're ready to take me to my hospital bed. We walk with her to an area with a bunch of curtain-closed rooms. I take all my clothes off and put on the hospital gown. These things always leave your butt hanging open, but hey, I'm proud of my butt. It's only natural people would want to see it.
There was this fancy space-age blanket on the bed. I get on the bed and lay down with the blanket over me. A nurse came in and verified all my information. We had a little chat and she stuck a vacuum tube thing into my blanket and it puffed up with warm air. Can I have one of these for my couch at home?! She gave me some painkiller medication and a glass of water before she left.
Another nurse came in, verified my information, and told me a bunch of information about the anesthesiologists, which doctors/nurses were in charge of my area, who was going to be checking on me, etc. And then she stuck the IV in my left wrist... I hate IV's, and I made sure she knew that. She stuck some numbing stuff on my wrist to try and make it less awful, but just the fact something is sticking into my vein freaks me out. Honestly, the IV was the worst part of this whole thing. I just tried to pretend I had a cybernetic arm and that made it somehow more okay.
My surgeon arrived and spoke to us briefly. He told us a bunch of stuff I already knew from the consultation visit, and explained to me that they'll be sticking a breathing tube down my throat once I'm out to make sure I stay out. I guess there's a tiny chance of tooth chipping from the removal of this tube, for people with highly sensitive teeth. I wasn't really worried about that, it seemed like something they just had to say to cover their butts.
My mom and I waited for about an hour cracking jokes, and I about fell asleep before the anesthesiologist arrived. She told me what drugs they'll be pumping into me to make me sleep through the surgery, and then they started to wheel me out. Amidst this whole series of conversations, I was misgendered a few times, but each time the people either corrected themselves or each other. I made sure to let them know that I appreciated their correcting themselves so I didn't have to, and I appreciated how often they got it right without any corrections needed at all. We spoke briefly about what my job was, and I mentioned I'm an IT tech for a school district.
When I got to the operating room, I scooted over onto the operating table and they stuck a bunch of blood pressure monitors on my right arm and legs. It was all pretty cold, and I couldn't help giggling as it all touched my skin. It kind of tickled. One of the people in there said if I kept laughing it would become contagious and they'd all start in. I said,
"Well, why not! Let's all have some fun here, the world needs more laughter."
I got a couple of giggles, and the anesthesiologist said she likes my attitude. One of the nurses stuck a mask over my face and told me to breathe in deep. I coughed a couple of times as I was breathing in for some reason, I'm not sure what it was that was irritating my lungs. But as I was breathing in, I was looking all around the room, and I had a thought that I just had to vocalize...
"Hey, you know? I think I could tell you how this entire room was wired. And probably even the names of all these cables, and the ports they plug into."
The anesthesiologist said,
"Heh, really? That's interesting. Alright, we're gonna get you to sleep now."
I said,
"Cool, I'm pretty tired already anyway. That'll just make your job easier."
Very quickly, even as I was saying that, my hearing started turning muddy, I began to feel very dizzy, and I gradually got some tunnel vision and closed my eyes. I remember hearing the anesthesiologist saying something about a number that was 4 digits long, but I have no memory of what it was about.
I woke up in another room 2 hours later.
I remember some of the first things I said as I woke up,
"Damn, I feel rested. I haven't slept like that in a long time. I should test my brain to see how things are working... To hack a windows 7 user account and remove its password, just go to the system32 folder in the windows folder and replace the utilman.exe with a copy of cmd.exe. Then reboot the computer and click the little button in the bottom left. In the command window that pops up type net user, the username you want to hack, and just put two blank quotation marks. That will erase the user's password. Yeah, I seem to be fine. What? Your medical equipment is plugged in with 9 pin serial cables? That's hilarious!"
I remember the nurse saying something along the lines of,
"Now, Josie, you're not at work. You should be relaxing!"
"Relaxing? What's that like? Hah! Nah, this is me relaxing... This is fun to me."
As I struggled to open my eyes and gain a better idea of my surroundings, I started to noticed there was some kind of lip balm on my lips. And after realizing that, I started to gain more understanding of the rest of my body. I realized that it felt like there was something missing between my legs, and it felt amazing.
My bed was moved from the first recovery room to the second one soon after I woke up, since I guess I was doing pretty well. They moved me to a chair and kept asking if I felt nauseous, and I didn't. I guess they expected that I would for some reason. I pulled up my hospital underwear, since apparently it wasn't up all the way. My mom came over to the new room and sat down while I recovered. I took off my hospital gown and put my pajamas on. They gave me some apple sauce, which I gladly ate because I hadn't eaten anything since 11pm the night before, as ordered. I also drank a cup of water. They wanted to wait until I could use the bathroom, to verify that I was able to pee okay.
Eventually I felt ready to get up and pee, though I was quite dizzy. I walked to the bathroom holding a nurse's hand, and it was after getting up and walking that I truly felt how there was nothing between my legs. That felt so weird, and I loved every moment of it. As I sat down on the toilet I saw the area, and I started feeling excited for it to heal so I could poke it and laugh maniacally.
I peed just fine, no issues there. In fact, peeing somehow felt easier than usual.
When I walked back to my chair I reminded one of the nurses that I was promised the IV would come off as soon as I'd peed. The IV came off, and I immediately felt much better. God I hate IV's...
It was around this time that I learned my phone was left in the car, so I couldn't write about exactly what I was feeling in this moment... I'm writing about all this the day after. But anyway, after everyone confirmed that I was okay, it was time to go. I heard some nurses talking in the background about me:
"How is she doing?"
"She's doing amazing!"
I guess I was recovering pretty fast.
The nurse stuck me into a wheelchair after we got all my stuff packed up and wheeled me outside to my mom's car. In the car ride I posted a Facebook status to try and make sure I didn't forget some stuff, but I started to realize the phone screen was making me feel nauseous, so I put it down. I was getting really tired, so I tried to sleep in the car as best I could, despite the traffic and scary mom-driving.
That's pretty much everything! When I got home I plopped down on the couch with an ice pack on my crotch and fell asleep. I woke up and ate a buttload of chicken soup and vegetables with toast and baked apples. I was starving...
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