*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 8

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

Pretty much the whole first half of this post talks about my genitals. If you don't want to learn detailed information about the happenings of my lower loins, you best not read ahead.

Trigger warning for dysphoria: this post has some sensitive details that could be uncomfortable, and it mentions surgery.

Month 8 - November

I spent so long trying not to look at my genitals that it became fairly second nature to live in denial about their appearance. But at the beginning of this month, while trying to give myself a full erection to stretch out the area again (it's still painful), I looked. And I got caught off guard, because something was definitely different.

It's somehow bent in a subtle ~ shaped wave, aimed to the left in a way it definitely wasn't before. And during those "blood pump" moments, when it gets harder and pops up for a moment, it moves differently. It used to curve up, like a banana. Now it aims up, but at an upward diagonal angle, curving downward at the tip. It's like it contorts in a weird way due to being too small to hold the erection blood. I didn't think it shrunk THAT much, but I guess a small change can make a big difference.

This is such a pain in the butt. I hate erections. This whole experience just makes it more complicated to have sex. It's bad enough that the mood gets killed sometimes just from my desire to have a vagina, now I have to be reminded of what I have "downstairs" every time, because it hurts when I get turned on.

This whole thing just reinforces my desire to not have one of these anymore. But unfortunately, after doing more research into surgery, I realize I should wait until more methods are developed and perfected. I want my future vagina to have all the bells and whistles, as close to a natural one as possible. It will probably be stupidly expensive, but I will settle for no less, considering it will affect the rest of my life...

Luckily, after some practice over the course of this month and some more frequent "stretching" of the area from giving myself periodic erections, sex has become less painful. Looks like those random erections guys get are for a reason. This condition I have, from what I understand, is called penis atrophy, where the whole thing, inside and out, shrinks from lack of use. I am certainly not a doctor, so I can't really go into any more detail than that, but this gives me a label for it. And you know how we humans love to label things.

My facial hair seems to be continuing to thin out, but at the same painfully slow pace as ever... My emotions are all over the place once a month, but I think I'm getting the hang of it a bit more. Under stressful situations I'm learning to speak in more calm a voice, and when I'm feeling depressed I am able to let myself cry, within reason. It helps a lot.

My food cravings continue to surprise me, and feel more linked to emotional satisfaction, particularly while in a bad mood. I have a need to keep Nalley Garlic Dill Pickes in the fridge at all times, because you don't want to get in the way of me and my pickles when I'm having a craving. I've been craving a lot of salty foods. One of the weirdest combinations of foods I've eaten lately was chicken sausage gumbo with sherry vinegar and salt, with a side of chips and salsa, and a bowl of pickles doused in grapefruit juice.

Grapefruit juice is almost like the new lemons for me. It's so freaking good, omg... I've invented a new drink that I call the Josie Sunset. It's sparkling lemon/lime water with added fresh lemon and lime juice, grapefruit juice, and a tiny amount of raspberry syrup. It's looks like a pretty sunset until you stir it. My mom tried a sip of it today and made a skrunched up sour face, saying, "Dear god, that's too sour!" I took my drink back and took another sip. I have no idea what she's talking about, it actually tasted like it needed more lemon to me.

Clearly my body is desperately craving Vitamin C and salt for some reason. I'm just rolling with it. So much citrus...

By the end of this month, my boyfriend said after nearly two weeks of not seeing me, my areolas looked larger than before. Most of the time my left boob is larger than my right, by a large enough amount for me to notice, but I'm not sure other people would see a difference without being told to look for it. But my nipples growing with a large enough difference to notice within only two weeks is pretty interesting to hear about.

Upon closer inspection at my chest one day after a shower, I began to notice veins that I'm pretty sure weren't there before, or at least weren't visible. They ran across my chest, gathering at my nipples. What a weird thing to suddenly notice. I don't know if this is only being noticed now because my transition changes are making it easier to spot, or if these veins are actually new. If they're new, that would certainly explain the constant amount of pain I felt during my first few months. At this point the pain is periodic, rather than constant.

Now this is going to sound really weird, but I've started noticing more often a smell of vagina when I don't shower. Honestly, I was going to bed one night and caught a whiff of it. I thought it was a smell that had to have been from someone else's clothes in the room, but no, it was coming from my panties. The body odor that comes from "downstairs" smells female. Also, my pee sometimes even smells like vagina pee somehow. My armpits, however, when I don't have a shower for too long, smell like curry. Depending on how much I sweat, curry that's gone off a little, but always curry. This is a detail that no doctor has ever prepared me for, or suggested in any way was possible. The curry smell may be largely related to my diet, but the vagina smell? I don't think so... Is that even normal? 

My face has begun to look feminine enough to where, without makeup, I can look at myself in a mirror and see a female. Kind of. The subtle facial hair shadow still really bothers me, and I swear, that cannot go away fast enough... But it is going away. 

At this point I believe I had decided not to do face feminization surgery, having seen that my face is developing well without it. I honestly didn't think the hormones would have as much impact as they have. But I think the most important thing about this is to make sure I recognize that the changes are there. When you've spent so long looking masculine and are desperately trying to change that, it's so easy to get stuck in the belief that your face looks masculine no matter what you do. Make absolutely sure you're being objective, and recognizing the changes. Look past what your brain is trying to see, and just look at yourself as though you're a random person on the street. What do you see?

It helps a lot to see yourself in a video that somebody else records, because that way you can see the whole package, including body language movements.

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• Awkward accidental reference to my body during class today. A student was playing with a small toy, and long story short, it accidentally got flung halfway across the room and hit me directly in the crotch while I was standing up. What are the freaking odds of that, am I right?!
  
  I did not react at all. No leaning forward, no change in expression, because it legitimately didn't hurt. I just slowly and casually turned to look at the student and said: "Pick that up and put it away."
  
  The student, having seen everything, looked at me with great surprise/confusion on his face, and while putting it away said, "Sorry, my bad. I didn't mean to hurt anyone."
  
  I said "Nah, that didn't hurt, you're good. Just stop playing with that during class." This seemed to increase the confusion on the kid's face.
  
  I was laughing so hard in my head, but only cracked a small smile. I so badly wanted to say "Dude, I'm a woman. There's nothing there to hurt."

I started to get my look down, and I learned how to smile. Left side without makeup, right side with. I love all the pictures I took from this month, they're so great!

You can view the Month 9 post by clicking here. >>>