This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.
Sexual Content Warning!
Sexual Content Warning!
I talk about my sexual body parts and their functions in this post, and I make references to my sex life. If you don't want to hear about this stuff in detail, you best not read ahead.
Trigger warning for depression and dysmorphia!
There is mention of self harm in this post, and I was feeling particularly dysphoric this month.
Trigger warning for depression and dysmorphia!
There is mention of self harm in this post, and I was feeling particularly dysphoric this month.
Month 9 - December
Handshakes make me uncomfortable. More so now than before my transition. Do women do handshakes? Is it a regular thing for a parent to give a handshake to a female teacher? I have seen people offer handshakes to male teachers, but I don't recall if I've seen people do that to my female co-workers.
If it is normal for women to receive handshakes in this way, what is the standard social expectation for women's handshakes? Are they supposed to be firm? Am I even supposed to shake in the same way? How does any of this work?
I don't know anything about this. But when people hold their hand out to shake my hand, it just... I'll shake their hand, but... I dunno, it just feels weird. I've never really liked hand shaking, and now I have no idea if I'm shaking people's hands like a "guy" and being clueless about it. I've been trained all my life to do various things like this in a certain way, and now I have no idea what I'm doing, and I have to make this stuff up as I go, hoping I don't look like an idiot.
But as I think about this, I recall many people telling me that I've done lots of things in a fairly feminine way before I even came out, so... I guess I have that going for me. I saw my dad during this month and spent some time with him, and he said at some point while we were talking that my coming out as trans made more sense the more he thought about it. There were so many things I did that didn't quite fit right, and in the context of my being a woman, it all fits together. The tea party picnics on the front lawn with my stuffed animals, various body movement habits, my pinkie sticks out when I hold drinks with my right hand, I have a kind of prancing bounce to the way I move, I didn't like going camping because there were no toilets... The list goes on. That was kind of cool to hear from him. Before leaving his house, I had a somewhat teary eyed moment of thanking him for his support. Even if he has no idea what he's doing, he's accepting me as I am, and that's more than a lot of trans girl's fathers do...
Being my ninth month into hormone therapy, I have been making pregnancy jokes, saying my transition has been long enough to have a baby. This is, of course, to cover up the pain regarding the fact I'm sterile and barren... If you've read my post, "The Other Life I Lived," you'll know the deeper meaning behind this pain. I don't want children at this point in my life, but I do wish I had the capability to bear them. This was the hardest part of the decision to start hormone therapy, and is probably the only thing I have that I could possibly call a regret. But if I had children the other way, by freezing my semen, it would still not be the same as bearing them myself. So calling this a regret is probably inaccurate. It's not that I would have wanted children... It's that I would like to be able to have them as a woman. Killing off my sperm through hormone therapy doesn't really change anything in that regard, I guess.
A trans friend of my boyfriend killed herself during this month. It was a harsh reminder of how lucky I am to have a supportive and loving community. So many trans people don't get to have what I have. So many trans people are kicked out of their homes, rejected and disowned by their families, fired from their jobs, not hired because of who they are, and/or otherwise turned into outcasts by the society that surrounds them. It's very easy to be depressed as a trans person. It's very easy to feel like the world is against you, even when you have a loving and supportive community. And it's very easy to lose your self worth from the lack of support and the overwhelming amount of hate that is directed at you.
But you know what? In the face of all that hatred that causes me so much self-loathing, I can't harm myself. I felt really depressed during my 8th month, and you know what stopped me from cutting my arm? The fact that my arms are freaking beautiful, and so goddamn soft. I don't want to leave a scar on these works of art! You know what I did right after that? I looked down at my chest. Yeah, I'm rockin' with these arms, these legs, these boobs, 'dis booty, and I've got friggin' hips, girl!
My transition isn't even a full year in, and I look at my body and love it, so much. It's me. This is what I've wanted, and I'm not even done. I'll likely never be completely done, but I'm still physically developing. I'd say my body is around girl-puberty age 16 at this point, and damn I love it.
I've been working hard on my voice. I haven't mentioned my voice at all during any of the previous months because it hasn't really changed much from the hormones, if at all, from what I can tell.
That being said, my voice has changed a bit, but only because I've been attempting to train it myself. I looked into voice pathology to get a trainer, but I can't find anyone who's covered by my insurance, so I did a bunch of research online and consulted an LGBTQ support group. In an effort to train my voice to sound more feminine, I'm analyzing Bubblegum Eurodance music as I drive to work. Not only do I get to rock out like a teenage girl while I drive, but I get to sing along in an attempt to prepare my voice to speak in a higher register when I get to my classroom. I mix up the music sometimes, but the main point is that the music needs to push my upper octave range a little each time.
One of the trans support groups I'm in on Facebook introduced me to an app called Voice Pitch Analyzer. You speak into it by reading what it shows you on the screen, and it shows you where it falls on the frequency range, with a gauge that shows typical male and female ranges. When I first spoke into this app, I fell so low in the male range that I cried, and later that night had a panic attack. It felt like all my hard work all this time was for nothing, and that my voice training was a lost cause... It still feels like that sometimes, honestly... It's a very sensitive topic, and a talking point during therapy.
But there's more to this than just pitch, it's also how you use your voice. Men have a tendency to raise their voices to be louder when they're not being heard, and women have a tendency to raise their pitch more than their volume in the same circumstances. Men tend to sound more mono-toned on average when they talk, and women tend to sound somewhat more melodic, with varying pitches and notes. I'm trying to find my musical style, in a way, with my voice. I've also noticed that I require more oxygen to speak when I'm controlling my voice to sound more feminine.
So I'm analyzing music that has tones and musical patterns that I like, and within the mentality of the sounds of those songs that I sing along with, I try to replicate it when I talk. I think, after a few months now, it has been slowly making a difference.
I recorded a video of myself telling a story last month, and when I watched the video back, I looked at my body language and my voice patterns. I actually sounded a lot more feminine than I thought I would, and the way I moved my head and arms and neck wasn't masculine at all! If I didn't know I was trans, and I was watching this video from a completely neutral perspective, I think I'd just assume that the person in the video was a woman.
That made me so happy, I had to rewatch the video again. And again... I probably watched it about 6 times...
Despite all of the progress I'm trying to make with my voice though, I can't help but wish, in the back of my mind, that my voice was never changed by testosterone. I had a very feminine voice as a child, before my first puberty. I was "mistaken" for a girl many times back then because of my long hair and feminine voice. If I could've kept that voice, I would be able to sing perfectly in the same octaves as these Bubblegum Eurodance singers...
But that's all in the past, and the past can't be changed. I have to work with what I have where I am right now, in the present. And gender aside, I have a talented and capable voice, and a good ear for music. I am blessed to have musical talent enough to teach myself these vocal exercises, and I should be appreciating that, not living in memories of things I don't have. Making wishes does nothing, but this... This will make some progress happen.
I wish I could live by the last paragraph, but really, I get depressed rather often about my voice. I just do the training by singing with the music and counting to ten multiple times, and then I just... Try not to think about it as best I can from then on, while I continue to try and speak in a more feminine tone...
If it is normal for women to receive handshakes in this way, what is the standard social expectation for women's handshakes? Are they supposed to be firm? Am I even supposed to shake in the same way? How does any of this work?
I don't know anything about this. But when people hold their hand out to shake my hand, it just... I'll shake their hand, but... I dunno, it just feels weird. I've never really liked hand shaking, and now I have no idea if I'm shaking people's hands like a "guy" and being clueless about it. I've been trained all my life to do various things like this in a certain way, and now I have no idea what I'm doing, and I have to make this stuff up as I go, hoping I don't look like an idiot.
But as I think about this, I recall many people telling me that I've done lots of things in a fairly feminine way before I even came out, so... I guess I have that going for me. I saw my dad during this month and spent some time with him, and he said at some point while we were talking that my coming out as trans made more sense the more he thought about it. There were so many things I did that didn't quite fit right, and in the context of my being a woman, it all fits together. The tea party picnics on the front lawn with my stuffed animals, various body movement habits, my pinkie sticks out when I hold drinks with my right hand, I have a kind of prancing bounce to the way I move, I didn't like going camping because there were no toilets... The list goes on. That was kind of cool to hear from him. Before leaving his house, I had a somewhat teary eyed moment of thanking him for his support. Even if he has no idea what he's doing, he's accepting me as I am, and that's more than a lot of trans girl's fathers do...
Being my ninth month into hormone therapy, I have been making pregnancy jokes, saying my transition has been long enough to have a baby. This is, of course, to cover up the pain regarding the fact I'm sterile and barren... If you've read my post, "The Other Life I Lived," you'll know the deeper meaning behind this pain. I don't want children at this point in my life, but I do wish I had the capability to bear them. This was the hardest part of the decision to start hormone therapy, and is probably the only thing I have that I could possibly call a regret. But if I had children the other way, by freezing my semen, it would still not be the same as bearing them myself. So calling this a regret is probably inaccurate. It's not that I would have wanted children... It's that I would like to be able to have them as a woman. Killing off my sperm through hormone therapy doesn't really change anything in that regard, I guess.
A trans friend of my boyfriend killed herself during this month. It was a harsh reminder of how lucky I am to have a supportive and loving community. So many trans people don't get to have what I have. So many trans people are kicked out of their homes, rejected and disowned by their families, fired from their jobs, not hired because of who they are, and/or otherwise turned into outcasts by the society that surrounds them. It's very easy to be depressed as a trans person. It's very easy to feel like the world is against you, even when you have a loving and supportive community. And it's very easy to lose your self worth from the lack of support and the overwhelming amount of hate that is directed at you.
But you know what? In the face of all that hatred that causes me so much self-loathing, I can't harm myself. I felt really depressed during my 8th month, and you know what stopped me from cutting my arm? The fact that my arms are freaking beautiful, and so goddamn soft. I don't want to leave a scar on these works of art! You know what I did right after that? I looked down at my chest. Yeah, I'm rockin' with these arms, these legs, these boobs, 'dis booty, and I've got friggin' hips, girl!
My transition isn't even a full year in, and I look at my body and love it, so much. It's me. This is what I've wanted, and I'm not even done. I'll likely never be completely done, but I'm still physically developing. I'd say my body is around girl-puberty age 16 at this point, and damn I love it.
I've been working hard on my voice. I haven't mentioned my voice at all during any of the previous months because it hasn't really changed much from the hormones, if at all, from what I can tell.
That's right, estrogen hormone therapy does not change your voice. Testosterone changes your voice, but once changed, estrogen cannot change it back. Only vocal training from a voice pathologist can do that, or an extremely risky vocal surgery.
That being said, my voice has changed a bit, but only because I've been attempting to train it myself. I looked into voice pathology to get a trainer, but I can't find anyone who's covered by my insurance, so I did a bunch of research online and consulted an LGBTQ support group. In an effort to train my voice to sound more feminine, I'm analyzing Bubblegum Eurodance music as I drive to work. Not only do I get to rock out like a teenage girl while I drive, but I get to sing along in an attempt to prepare my voice to speak in a higher register when I get to my classroom. I mix up the music sometimes, but the main point is that the music needs to push my upper octave range a little each time.
One of the trans support groups I'm in on Facebook introduced me to an app called Voice Pitch Analyzer. You speak into it by reading what it shows you on the screen, and it shows you where it falls on the frequency range, with a gauge that shows typical male and female ranges. When I first spoke into this app, I fell so low in the male range that I cried, and later that night had a panic attack. It felt like all my hard work all this time was for nothing, and that my voice training was a lost cause... It still feels like that sometimes, honestly... It's a very sensitive topic, and a talking point during therapy.
But there's more to this than just pitch, it's also how you use your voice. Men have a tendency to raise their voices to be louder when they're not being heard, and women have a tendency to raise their pitch more than their volume in the same circumstances. Men tend to sound more mono-toned on average when they talk, and women tend to sound somewhat more melodic, with varying pitches and notes. I'm trying to find my musical style, in a way, with my voice. I've also noticed that I require more oxygen to speak when I'm controlling my voice to sound more feminine.
So I'm analyzing music that has tones and musical patterns that I like, and within the mentality of the sounds of those songs that I sing along with, I try to replicate it when I talk. I think, after a few months now, it has been slowly making a difference.
I recorded a video of myself telling a story last month, and when I watched the video back, I looked at my body language and my voice patterns. I actually sounded a lot more feminine than I thought I would, and the way I moved my head and arms and neck wasn't masculine at all! If I didn't know I was trans, and I was watching this video from a completely neutral perspective, I think I'd just assume that the person in the video was a woman.
That made me so happy, I had to rewatch the video again. And again... I probably watched it about 6 times...
Despite all of the progress I'm trying to make with my voice though, I can't help but wish, in the back of my mind, that my voice was never changed by testosterone. I had a very feminine voice as a child, before my first puberty. I was "mistaken" for a girl many times back then because of my long hair and feminine voice. If I could've kept that voice, I would be able to sing perfectly in the same octaves as these Bubblegum Eurodance singers...
But that's all in the past, and the past can't be changed. I have to work with what I have where I am right now, in the present. And gender aside, I have a talented and capable voice, and a good ear for music. I am blessed to have musical talent enough to teach myself these vocal exercises, and I should be appreciating that, not living in memories of things I don't have. Making wishes does nothing, but this... This will make some progress happen.
I wish I could live by the last paragraph, but really, I get depressed rather often about my voice. I just do the training by singing with the music and counting to ten multiple times, and then I just... Try not to think about it as best I can from then on, while I continue to try and speak in a more feminine tone...
Here's something I wish I had thought of ages ago: using a heating pad to relieve breast pain during my cycles. Seriously, it works so well, I don't understand why I never thought of it. My sister-in-law told me about it.
During our holiday dinner, I had my first experience having my thighs stick to a chair while wearing a skirt with no leggings. I dunno, I just felt like that was worth mentioning for some reason.
Shortly after that, I realized that because of the fat redistribution in my body, different parts of my body get cold faster. My thighs are usually just fine, but with the loss of muscle mass in my upper body, it feels like I get cold faster. And here I expected my boobs to help keep me warmer than this. They're just sacks of sweaty fat in the summer and lumps of cold in the winter. I see how it is.
...I'm sorry, boobies. I didn't mean it. You know Josie loves you <3
Somehow my estradiol prescription got cancelled on me during this month. Luckily I managed to catch it beforehand I ran out of patches, but I was down to 2 left in my box... That was kind of close. I don't know how that happened, because I'm supposed to be on these for the rest of my life. Nothing should have cancelled these. It's important to keep on top of this stuff! I was afraid my insurance wasn't going to cover it anymore or something. But everything's fine now! My doctor straightened it out, whatever it was...
In an online trans community, I heard about some kind of toxicity involved in taking spironolactone, and some supposed controversy in the trans community about using it? I'm very confused. All the significant info I could find after doing research and consulting my doctor was that spiro has a risk of high potassium toxicity, and my doctors have been monitoring my blood to test for that. My blood tests show my potassium is within normal ranges, and unless other people's blood tests are showing issues, I don't see the problem... Obviously there's a list of less common side effects, but those are not only rare, they apply to people with other medical conditions that I display no signs of. Let people take the meds that work for them, rather than dictate what they should and should not do... Not everyone's body works like yours. We have enough stigma in this society as it is without creating or own to divide ourselves...
Anyway, let's talk about my sex life! I apparently taste slightly sweet now, with a hint of bitter, similar to grapefruit. So that's a thing. Probably has to do with all the grapefruit and citrus I'm eating. But seeing as my ejaculate is completely clear now with no hint of white, I imagine the lack of sperm probably also has something to do with that as well.
I'm continuing to contemplate surgery... I did some more research on orchiectomy procedures. I hear that some surgeons refuse reassignment surgery if you've had an orchi, because of the reduction in tissue they have to work with, so that makes me nervous. I'm so sick of having testicles, and reassignment surgery just seems so far away, and it's so expensive, and... I wish I had some help with this from someone who knows what they're doing...
Honestly though, it's not just the testicles. As long as I'm going in to get an orchiectomy, I might as well just get a vaginoplasty instead. I know I want one, so why go through two surgeries when I could just get it all done with one? My "downstairs region" is giving me a great deal of dysmorphia again, and it jumpstarted my depression. My anxiety has been awful in the latter half of this month due to various personal life stuff, but having this on top of that certainly doesn't help.
I did some more research into a new vaginoplasty operation where they use tissue from the peritoneum to line the vaginal wall, instead of scrotal tissue. This is a great way for people who have had orchiectomies to get a successful vaginoplasty, but also it means a potentially more realistic vagina. The lining would be naturally hairless, smoother, moist, pink, and it wouldn't develop an armpit smell, because it's using skin that's already naturally meant to be inside your body. It's only been performed 30+ times, but I'm honestly really tempted, and after doing a bunch of research on this doctor, I think he's brilliant and talented... I sent him an email to inquire about this. According to Washington State law, I'm not supposed to be able to get a vaginoplasty until I've been on hormone therapy for at least a year, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can't start planning it.
I know I said a couple months ago that I was going to wait, but... This procedure sound good, and... Having a penis is really bothering me. Seriously. And the erection pain issues just remind me that I hate having erections. Every time I cross my legs, I'm reminded that I have something between them. Every time I use the bathroom I feel self conscious about the sound it makes. Every time I masturbate I wish I didn't have to hold it still for the vibrator to stay on the right spot... I don't want it anymore. I want this thing gone. I want a vagina.
Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:
- ... [My boyfriend] got me fancy new boots after going shoe shopping, and I'm considering this a kind of milestone.
- I have awkward moments now where I catch someone staring at me, but I'm not sure if they're staring because they noticed I'm trans, or if they're checking me out.
- Seriously, just because you haven't personally been exposed to openly transgender people doesn't mean they hadn't existed before. The internet is just making it harder to ignore them.
- If any of you are interested in how my experience starting hormone therapy went, and you're not super weirded out by reading about body changes, I have finished the introduction blog post that tells the story of starting my transition. [Pro tip: the site looks far better on a desktop rather than a phone or tablet]
I'm writing this blog series mostly so I can share it with the trans communities on various websites, because there is so little accurate detailed information out there. I tried to find information before I started my transition, but there was so little, and people tend to not like talking about it. Especially not in detail. I didn't know the true scale of what I was getting into, and nobody seemed able to lay it out for me. Maybe this will help someone else out there who's in a similar situation!
I'd have liked to know the true scope of everything first, but I have zero regrets, and I'm loving the journey. I'm at my 9th month now, and I still get giddy when I see myself in a mirror sometimes. - If you ask if I'm okay, and I say I'm feeling down, and you press further and ask why, and I say my voice is bothering me... Please stop saying my voice sounds fine, or that there are other women out there with voices like mine.
I hear my voice broadcasted through speakers every day at work; I know what it sounds like. The sound of my voice is wrong. It is not what it should be. Telling me that I am incorrect about that doesn't help.
It's bad enough when a student tells me I sound like a boy... I know I do, kid. And you sound like a girl. Wanna trade?
So yeah, please stop saying my voice sounds fine, and please stop saying that plenty of other women have my vocal range. Just say "I'm sorry you're having a rough day," and move onto another topic that requires me to talk less. Contradicting me just makes me feel worse.
In case you haven't noticed, my voice is a sensitive topic for me... All that being said, randomly complimenting my singing is welcome! Compliments are great, as long as they're genuine. - I've officially sent my first email to a reconstructive surgeon inquiring about the use of peritoneum tissue in affirmation surgery.
Left side without makeup and no bra. Right side with makeup... Also with no bra. Just an A cup, but lovin' the natural boobage ^_^
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