*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 12

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

I talk about body parts and their functions in this post. If you don't want to hear about this stuff in detail, especially within the context of my body, you best not read ahead.

Trigger Warning:
I describe what it is like for me to have a panic attack in this post. If you suffer from PTSD, please practice self care.

Month 12 - March

I've officially reached my first year on hormone treatment!

Unfortunately, near the end of last month my spironolactone (testosterone blocker) dosage was decreased to 100mg per day, down from 200mg per day. This was because of some concerns with dizziness and low blood pressure. I say unfortunately because the result of my dosage being lowered was that aspects of my transition began to reverse.

The first change I noticed that hinted to higher testosterone was an emotional one. In my Month 0 post I spoke of a little voice in the back of my head, like an annoying child in the back seat of a car. A voice that needed to be under constant surveillance. It made a warm electric wave feeling that passed over my body when I got angry, resulting in physical urges of violence that I needed to control. The removal of that voice gave me a sense of peace, serenity, quiet... That voice is coming back now. It has resulted in my saying hurtful and unhelpful things during arguments, and it's been difficult trying to control it when it gets strong enough. I'm not used to it anymore, and I want it gone.

Other changes I've noticed is that my chin hair seems thicker and scratchier than it was last month. My right armpit smells like my old body odor from before hormone treatment, but left left armpit still smells like my new body odor. So that's interesting... My erections aren't quite as painful as they were last month, and the erection isn't as strangely S-shaped either. My ejaculate has turned from a very liquidy clear fluid to a less liquidy and more sticky, slightly milky colored fluid... That basically means I'm probably not completely sterile anymore. It's starting to hurt again when I wear tight pants, so... That's distressing.

This experience of going backward is causing a lot of dysphoria, and I need it to stop. I've contacted my doctor to request that my spironolactone be increased to my previous dosage, because I have been feeling very suicidal. I would so much rather deal with low blood pressure than have to go through this... It feels like time is being wasted and hard work is being thrown away because of how this is progressing backward.

My panic attacks

I don't know if this necessarily has to do with the effects of my dosage change, because a lot has happened this month, but I had a very bad string of panic attacks. Some of the worst I've had since my mental breakdown in 2012, with one of my panic episodes lasting over 4 hours. For those who don't know what I mean when I talk about panic attacks, here is a description of what I'm talking about:

My panic attacks start out with silence and bouts of not breathing, and my whole body tensing up. During this part my mind is going too fast for me to talk or consciously move, and I'm spiraling down a path of self destruction, uncontrollably beating myself up with memories of things I did wrong, no matter how long ago they happened. Sometimes, if I'm spiraling into a panic while standing, I will attempt to respond to multiple thoughts at once, and it will look like something is tugging my body in multiple directions before I fall onto the floor, unable to get up. But usually I just deliberately sit down, lay down, or fall down, unable to get up.

If the panic is allowed to continue, and I don't manage to take a lorazepam (my emergency anxiety medication), I can begin to see hallucinations, possibly from the combination of stress and lack of oxygen. This makes me keep my eyes closed so I can't see the hallucinations. At this point I'll be whimpering, squirming around, and uncontrollably clawing at myself in an attempt to rip myself apart. Then I go from not breathing enough to breathing too much, and this is where I my memory gets really fuzzy. What little I remember from these events, and what people have told me, is that I'll start to say various terrified reactions like "no" and "please stop." That probably comes from my PTSD around various things I've experienced in life.

These panic attacks can be as short as 10 minutes, and as long as 9 hours. During the string of panics I had this month, I had 4 over a period of 3 days. It took me 5 days to physically recover from the strain it put on my heart, lungs, and all my body muscles.

When I say "I have panic attacks," I don't think people understand what that really means. Even describing it like this, I don't think anyone could truly understand what these are like unless they see it for themselves. But I try to hide these from people. They tend to get worse when other people see them.

Just to clarify, I've been having panic attacks like these for a very long time. These are not new, and the earliest memory I have of having one is around age 7. This is only coming up because lately I feel like I've started having them more often, since my spironolactone dosage was halved.

So anyway... I'm hoping to get that spironolactone dosage situation taken care of soon.

Hormonally speaking, I'm a teenage teacher

How weird is it to be at the same state of hormonal puberty as the teenagers I teach? Going through the same emotional turmoil, but having to be in the teacher's position of responsibility? It's quite an experience... I'm not going to lie, seeing how quickly some of the girls developed compared to me has brought up some feelings of jealousy. Just as any other late blooming teenage girl would feel... But I never talk about that; I'm professional, and I know to maintain boundaries. 

Being in a state of hormonal flux, dealing with both testosterone and estrogen, I identify with all of what my students are going through, female and male. Some of them ask me for advice on dealing with hormonal mood swings and other puberty stuff, and all I can think to tell them is that it sucks, and we all come up with our own methods of coping... I just try to take a deep breath and acknowledge the feelings that are happening, but take a step back and just watch the feelings go by rather than letting them pull me along into the drama.

Gender, romance, and sex

I consider gender, romantic attraction, and sexual attraction to be different things that are not mutually exclusive. One can be sexually attracted to someone without romantic attraction, and regardless of gender. The opposite can also be true, and any combination in between.

Sexual attraction should not be a choice between one or the other, straight or gay, penis or vagina. We are programmed to think there are only two options, and that they're all the same. But they're not.

No two penises are the same. No two vaginas are the same. A female penis is not even necessarily the same as a male penis. Nor is a male vagina the same as a female one. It's so much more nuanced than that, and sexuality should be just as nuanced, to match how our biology is not binary.

Are you sexually attracted to the gender or the reproductive body part? Are you romantically attracted to the gender, or the reproductive body part? After a date with a trans person you really hit it off with, do you have romantic attraction, but not sexual attraction, because of what's in their pants? What about the other way around? Chasers tend to fetishize trans people, but not stick around with romantic attraction. Are you only interested in someone because the puzzle pieces fit the way you're told they're supposed to? Or is there a deeper connection that could go potentially beyond that?

There's so much to be explored in discovering the answers to these questions. Sticking with one thing and being unwilling to experiment just seems so boring! It's like sticking with vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life. Try adding some M&Ms, rainbow sprinkles, caramel, marshmallows... The experience is worth a try. You never know unless you try, and it might grow on you. But I'm pansexual, so I'm pretty biased.

Female hormone patterns

I had some people ask me questions about how I know when I'm PMSing, and how I manage my estradiol patch dosages. I explained that there are average ranges of different phases of women's cycles. Estrogen would be higher during ovulation and lower during the luteal phase. So here's what I worked out with my doctor, in order to make my blood tests more accurate: 

According to the data on my period tracker, I have a fairly consistent cycle. So I get my blood tested as close to between the ovulation and luteal phases as possible. I apply one patch on Sundays and two patches on Wednesdays. By making the ovulation peak higher with alternating patches, it seems to make the lows dip into the correct average range for the luteal phase. It all just kind of falls into place, so when I'm blood tested at certain times of the month, I should be within the average range of where a cis female would be at that time in her cycle.

Hormones aren't something that sit at one level all the time, they're always changing around. So an idea I came up with is to help the hormones along with what they want to naturally do by adding an extra patch for the ovulation phase, and removing that extra patch for the luteal phase. My doctor seems to agree with my logic, but for now I'm just on alternating patches twice a week.

Worrying about men's intentions...

On a rather different and darker note, until this month, I don't think I had truly grasped the concept of what it means to be looked at as someone that people want to have sex with, and the depth of what that means. Before my transition, it felt like I never had to worry about the general public looking at me that way. I never had to worry about the implications of what it might mean to be looked at as an object of desire.

But now... Now I have to worry about the fact that others might want my body; that others might try to pursue me sexually. That others might see me as something they want to do things to... I'm not the pursuer anymore. I'm the pursued. 

Now I have to worry about what's happening in my sleep at sleepovers, and other situations in which I lose control of my body or judgement.

Because of something that happened this month, I am giving up alcohol, and I probably won't participate in another sleepover for a very long time. I will never allow such a situation to happen again... It will either be 100% consensual on both sides, or it will not happen at all. I feel so disturbed and confused by that night... Men behave differently toward me now, and I need to remember that, for my own safety.

This is how women feel all the time. This is the reality that women have to deal with, that many men don't acknowledge. It's so sad that nothing has truly been done about this after all this time, and it doesn't look like anything will change this sociological behaviour anytime soon.

Left side without makeup; right side with makeup. I officially have prescription glasses now!

You can view the Month 13 post by clicking here. >>>

*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 11

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sexual Content Material!

I talk about body parts and their functions during sexual acts in this post. If you don't want to hear about this stuff in detail, especially within the context of my body, you best not read ahead.

Month 11 - February

There appears to be a lack of consensus in the trans community around what your hormone levels should be. Everybody seems to have a different opinion. Different doctors will tout different levels, and everyone you talk to online will either not know, or have different opinions on where you should be.

This is not helpful for anyone, especially themselves, because it creates rifts in the community. When people believe they are right and others are wrong, a barrier is put up between them, and both sides feel a lack of support. The trans community needs to have people support each other better than that... We can't all be right. We are also all different people with different biological needs and different biological responses to the hormones. One person cannot arbitrarily say that what the other person is doing is wrong without evidence to back up what they're saying.

This month is my first year mark on spironolactone, and I had my dosage changed from 100mg twice a day to 100mg once a day, because of concerns about my low blood pressure. At the same time my estradiol was increased from 2 patches per week to three per week. So far so good, after two weeks I think I'm feeling an overall feeling of better health on the new dosages.

On the new dosages, there was a surprising difference in ejaculate amount. That much hadn't come out since month 2. I wonder if that's from a potentially higher testosterone amount... If so, I'm not sure I like the implications of that. Here's hoping my testosterone didn't go up too much... I don't want this delaying my reduction of facial hair >_>

Here's a social issue I'm not sure I've talked about on here yet: the difference between transwoman and trans woman. Believe it or not, the space is important not only because it is the grammatically correct option, but also because not having a space has implications you may not have considered. Think about it. You never say blondewoman, whitewoman, blackwoman, asianwoman, etc... So why would you say transwoman?

The difference here comes from recognizing that blonde women, black women, asian women, white women, are women. It's the word "woman" acting as the noun, and the word "blonde" acting as the adjective. The noun being the thing, and the adjective being the description of the thing. By saying "transwoman" you are combining the adjective and the noun together to create a new noun. Why wasn't the old noun good enough for this? Because people don't recognize transgender women as being the same as a woman.

I know some of you may be saying in reply to that, "But you weren't born as a woman. You had to transition to become one." No. Stop that. That is not how that works. I was born a woman - a woman with incorrect chromosomes. Think of it as having been born with a hormone imbalance. I was a woman all along, but because of that hormone imbalance, everybody thought I was not. Therefore, I went through life being told I was a boy so often that I even believed it myself. I took me many years to get past what everyone else was telling me, to figure out the truth.

So please, say "trans woman" with a space. The space is important, because trans women are women, not some other noun. Just as blonde women are women, so are trans women. Because trans is the adjective, not the noun.

My walk feels different. It appears to be using different muscles than it used to, causing it to feel more like a workout. I just discovered that this month. I'm not entirely sure why. It could be a number of things, but it feels like it's using different muscles, possibly because the fat redistribution has changed my center of gravity. In any case, I should probably work on this so I don't end up miserably out of shape... Well, more out of shape than I already am, that is...

When I get really frustrated, I feel a kind of fire well up inside me. Before hormones, when that fire became intense enough, it would cause me to feel a fight or flight response, usually resulting in me yelling. But now, instead of yelling with a booming voice, I cry and yell through my tears. I haven't gotten to that point very often, and I don't really like to yell at the top of my lungs, but when I do now, there are also tears involved, and the tears usually come first. More often than not though, if I get super frustrated, I tend to respond from a place of sadness rather than a place of anger. This could be from the hormones, but also it could be from a certain amount of personal growth work I've been doing. I try to keep my emotional responses to things in check to be used as a tool for productivity. If my response makes things worse, then it's something I need to work on.

The way boobs grow, with trans women and with girl puberty in general, is that the nipples protrude out first creating a kind of triangular "cone" shape, and then the rest of the boob fills out to meet the nipple. And mine are filling out more! Of course, this means more growth pain. It's been pretty bad this month, even getting to a point where I had to go to work without a bra, because the bra was making the pain too distracting. I wore three layers of clothes to make sure no nipples poked through... Because my bra wasn't there to shape my boobs into a nice pleasing "all in one place" kind of shape, they moved around when I leaned to one sure, and it made me look flatter. But it was so much more comfortable, so I don't really care. I'm not going to work to look attractive anyway.

On the day I went in without a bra, one other thing happened that caught me by surprise: this was the first time I drove a car without a bra since around month 1 or 2. The result of that was that the little bumps I drove over on the road, and the subtle bouncing done by the car, made me boobs jiggle while I sat in the driver's seat. I wound up smiling during the whole drive because of how funny it felt.

My grandma, who has dementia, moved in with us in January, and it has been a struggle dealing with her misgendering me on a regular basis. I've come out to her many times at this point, but her dementia causes her to completely forget our conversations every time I try, so I've given up. Every time I come home it's "Oh, there he is!" It has gotten to a point where I have to coat the situation in humor and extremes as a way to cope. I was cleaning the dishes one night, and she said I was a good boyfriend, doing the dishes for my lady. So I said "I AM the lady!" and pulled my shirt up to flash my boobs. She laughed and said, "Oh, I know it!" I'm not entirely sure what was in her head as she said that...

By the end of this month I've started wearing glasses, and I think that between that and my new haircut, I have finally become different enough in appearance that my grandma no longer recognizes me when I walk in the door. Now she says, "Oh hey, it's... Someone's at the door." This whole situation is causing me more anxiety than I had ever expected. Aside from the mixed feelings that come from her not recognizing me, and occasionally mistaking me for my mom, the regular misgendering has made me cry a lot by itself. It's one thing for random strangers to misgender you, when when it's a family member you live with, and they're doing it to you every single day, it eats away at you. It doesn't matter whether they know what they're doing, they're still doing it, and it still hurts. Home is supposed to be a place where you feel safe and comfortable, and misgendering a trans person is a really easy way to quickly make them feel uncomfortable. At this point, I am very rarely misgendered in public, even when I'm wearing my large parka coat, unless I'm going swimming or having a bad facial hair day...

I've been a part of some various online trans communities lately, and it's been nice feeling that connection to other people who know my struggles. It has made me realize, however, that I seem to have worked past a lot more of my issues than most of the people I meet online. I have been experiencing a lot of dysphoria around my voice, my facial hair, and my lower parts, but otherwise my mental and physical health is actually not that bad in the grand scheme of things.

I felt like I needed some help with my voice therapy situation, and the online communities weren't able to give me the help I was looking for, so I turned to a local LGBTQ group and thought attending one of their meetings might be helpful, and maybe I'd find someone who could help guide me. What ended up happening was that I was one of two trans people there who had their identity down. Everyone there was struggling so much more than I was, and I reached out to help them, completely forgetting my own question. But none of them would've really had an answer for my question anyway, so that's when I think I truly realized... I'm not new to this anymore. I'm not a baby trans girl anymore, learning the ropes. I'm a grown trans woman who knows what she's doing. What? When did this happen? When did I become the one who knows nearly all the answers to these questions they had?

Well, at least here's one question I didn't have an answer to at the time: muffing. For trans women, this word has a different meaning that I had previously understood. I knew about "muff" as a '70s slang term for vagina, but apparently "muffing," when referring to a trans woman, means to... For lack of a better word, "finger bang" her. But not in the butt. Let me give a brief biology lesson...

So people who were assigned male at birth often have testicles. Those testicles drop out from an abdominal cavity. When it is very cold out, sometimes the testes will suck back up into that abdominal cavity for warmth, to help maintain a particular temperature. This is the same abdominal cavity that aids in what I call the "trans tuck." I forget if I've explained this already, but I will again: the "trans tuck" is when you gently push your testicles up into your abdominal cavity, tuck the penis down in between your legs, and wrap the empty scrotum around the penis to help hold it in place. Yes, this means the testicles are now up inside the abdomen, not inside the scrotum.

Alright, now all of that being said, "muffing" is when you position your testicles away from one of your two abdominal cavities and stick your fingers up inside of the abdominal cavity. This is a form of penetration used in sex with trans women. Sometimes. It depends on how much it weirds both sides out.

So yeah, that was some new information I acquired this month. I've tried sticking my finger in there, and it feels rather weird, so I stopped. But I am fascinated by it, so I'll probably try it again at various points, as I'm feeling brave.

Apparently I didn't take many pictures of myself this month... I guess I've gotten used to my appearance and the surprise is wearing off. Left side without makeup; right side in my doctor's office with makeup. I'm getting glasses, so get used to the look on the left.

You can view the Month 12 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 10

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

This is mostly about social issues, but I talk about some body parts and their functions in this post. If you don't want to hear about this stuff, you best not read ahead.

Content forewarning:
In this post I talk about my dysphoria, surgery stuff, insurance issues, and I describe social outcasting in a way that could be potentially triggering.

Month 10 - January

I haven't really touched on a few social things that have changed. The number of things I had never before thought of but are now a constant part of my life. 

For example, bathrooms and locker rooms. I don't mean to get political (because this is a stupid issue to have turn political) but most people can just walk up to a bathroom without any anxiety at all, use the bathroom, and then be done. Simple, easy, you just had to use the bathroom. But every time I approach a bathroom, I'm confronted with thoughts like these:

• "Does this place have male/female bathrooms, or single stall?"
• "Is anyone else in the women's room? If so, I need to keep my voice quiet so it doesn't out me. I don't want them to know I'm trans."
• "If someone in here finds out I'm trans, how are they going to react? Will they kick me out? I just need to pee..."
• "If I get kicked out of the women's room for being trans, where will I go? I can't use the men's room. Look at me, I'm clearly a woman, and I don't belong there."

A simple task like using the bathroom becomes a matter of worry. People walk into a coffee shop and what do they look at first? Probably the menu. But me? I walked into a coffee shop today and the first thing I noticed was that they had a single stall bathroom, and I loved that it wasn't gendered in any way. That made it feel so much more relaxing when I needed to pee after visiting with my friend at the coffee shop.

Locker rooms are worse, though. Much, much worse. I don't want people to see the lower half of me naked. I can't go in the men's locker room because I have boobs, and I'm not a man, so I would be very uncomfortable in there. But I can't go into the women's locker room because I don't have a vagina, and I feel like everyone would stare at me, like I don't belong there because of what's in my pants... I would also worry that they would be uncomfortable. If they thought of me as they would a man, they'd just assume I'm using that locker room to get a look at the naked women. But I'm not a man. I just want to change my clothes to go swimming...

The place I go swimming has gender neutral single stall locker rooms, and I love them so much for providing that. If I ever had a bad locker room experience, it would probably scar me for life, and I would never go swimming again until post-surgery...

I guess I'm on the subject of swimming because it's my favorite method of exercise, and I went swimming recently for the first time in quite a while. The experience was interesting. I wore my 2-piece swimming bikini, which has bottoms that have a kind of skirt. The skirt surrounds the bikini bottom, to help hide any kind of bulge. I really wish I could just wear a regular bikini bottom and not have to worry about what's contained within them, but... That's my life...

I felt like my facial hair was rather more noticeable than usual. I guess it didn't help that I went at night, giving it all that time in the day to grow... It was probably a combination of my own insecurities and the fact I couldn't wear makeup to the pool, but I'm pretty sure everyone at the Aquatics Center knew I was trans at first glance. People seemed to be avoiding me, and I got a lot of weird looks. 

As I was doing stretches and exercises, a little girl accidentally swam backward into me, and I moved aside to get out of her way. She was adorable, so I couldn't help but smile as she swam past, but when my eyes met with her dad, I smiled at him and he looked downright angry, and clearly uncomfortable. I saw him moments earlier with a smile on his face, but when he saw me as I moved out of his daughter's way, it was like he had immediately labeled me as a pedophile because I'm trans. That's the kind of look he gave me. After giving me that look, he swam after his daughter and moved to the other side of the pool from me. I thought it might be coincidence, but later on when I came back to that pool after visiting the hot tub, he actively moved to the other side of the pool from me again.

Which brings me to the hot tub... When I walked over to an empty spot in the hot tub and sat down, two people got out, and the people next to me moved away. But if I reacted negatively to any of that behaviour, I'd be the "bad person," so I just smiled at those who didn't treat me like I was sick with a plague and happily sat in the hot tub. I just tried to assume that it was a coincidence, or that my getting in reminded them that they're getting too warm. It could be any number of things.

These are just two examples, from this one swimming adventure, but I got many weird looks from people, a discouraging number of people who seemed to be avoiding being near me, and it just felt like, in general, people weren't particularly friendly toward me, yet being very chatty with everyone else. In the two hours I was there, amidst the probably 20 people I smiled at, I only remember one of them actually smiling back, but leaving shortly after.

I have had experiences like these before since I started my transition. I've come to accept that this is simply how the general public is going to treat me, and I can choose to either be upset by that, or I can just be friendly to everyone and hope they notice that, despite being trans, I'm a nice person.

Early in my transition I realized that this must be similar to what racism feels like. I feel like I'm coming to better understand how our culture treats people who are viewed as "different," and how unfair it is that friendly people, for no reason at all, can be condemned simply because of the way they look. It's so easy to judge what you don't understand.

The closer I get to my first year, the more I'm thinking my facial hair may never actually go away. As shown in this picture, I still have a shadow on my face. Also I still have an adam's apple, but that's a different rant subject... The hairs have gotten somewhat softer, and the area and thinned out a bit, but I haven't noticed any progress on it now in over a month, and I'm starting to question whether the softening of the hair I noticed during month 8 was actually just in my head. I might have just been remembering what happened the month before, and the changes were so minute that it's possible nothing happened at all, and I just thought it was still thinning out... In any case, I still see a shadow on my face, even immediately after shaving. The brightening and softening of my skin seems to have made the thick black hairs more noticeable from within the pores...

Electrolysis is not covered by my insurance, from what I can tell. But at my next doctor appointment I'm going to ask my doctor to find the exact CPT code she would use to bill my insurance. That way I can determine exactly how I might find a loophole to get it covered as a "medically necessary" part of my transition. Because it is! This isn't going away, and the goal of my transition is to make my body the way it should have been when I was born. Chances are, if I were born with the right body, it probably wouldn't have had facial hair.

People say "some women have facial hair too" and that really irritates me. No, women typically do not have this kind of facial hair, and if I were born with an X chromosome, I wouldn't likely have any more facial hair than my mother. Male facial hair is thick, like pubic hair. Women who have facial hair might have an occasional long black hair, or they might have some little clusters of them. But are those hairs growing in as thick and course as pubic hair? I doubt it. Do they have to shave every 6 hours to keep the facial hair shadow from poking through their makeup? That seems pretty rare for a woman to have to deal with. So no, "some women having facial hair too" is not a helpful thing to say in this context. It feels condescending, and it makes trans women like myself feel like you're degrading the problem by saying it's not a problem. Trans women are held to a higher standard than cis women in this department, because any little detail in your appearance that seems masculine will be locked onto and used as evidence that you're not a woman. If a trans woman has facial hair shadow, you can bet that some people are going to completely ignore her long hair and boobs to call her a man. So please keep that to yourself if you ever find yourself thinking it when a trans woman complains about facial hair. Instead, maybe you can be of some actual help and suggest a hair removal place.

I apologize to some of my friends who may have just read that and thought to themselves, "Oh god, I've said that to her. I'm so sorry!" I don't mean to make you feel terrible about it. It's just rapidly becoming a pet peeve of mine. It's incredible how nearly every single person I've talked about this with has said some variation of that exact phrase... Nearly. Every. Person. And it just... Ughhhh... JUST NO, OKAY? Stahp eet...

... Moving on... *cough*


My dysphoria continued to gradually get worse throughout this month, and within the last few weeks I started to cry nearly every time I took a shower. Whether it be from seeing my lower half in a mirror, or from looking down while scrubbing my legs. At this point I've definitely decided that I'm getting a vaginoplasty, it's just a matter of how. 

I'm still learning more about how I'm going to get this covered by my insurance, and I'm still asking questions, but I find myself consistently with my sights on the operation that uses peritoneum tissue to form the vaginal wall. This operation was only just developed in March of 2017 by Dr. Jess Ting of Mount Sinai Hospital, New York, and has only been performed on 30+ patients. But despite all the risks, after messaging the doctor and getting his FAQ list about the procedure, I feel like the benefits are worth it, and I have a good feeling about the doctor. If I don't do this, I think I'll spend the rest of my life questioning whether I made the right decision. The most recent question I'm getting answered is whether New York accepts out of state medicaid, and whether Mount Sinai Hospital accepts medicaid. If it doesn't, I might have to make a GoFundMe page in order to afford the surgery...

I could choose the easy way out and have my surgery covered 100% by a guy in Oregon who I know for a fact accepts outside medicaid, but he doesn't do this particular operation using peritoneum tissue. That makes a significant difference, and this is the kind of thing I refuse to settle on, because this is probably the biggest and most personal decision I've ever made in my life, and I'll be living with it forever.

... No pressure!

The left side was apparently one of the only pictures I had of myself without makeup from this month... Right side picture with makeup at work.

You can view the Month 11 post by clicking here. >>>

*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 9

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sexual Content Warning!

I talk about my sexual body parts and their functions in this post, and I make references to my sex life. If you don't want to hear about this stuff in detail, you best not read ahead.

Trigger warning for depression and dysmorphia!
There is mention of self harm in this post, and I was feeling particularly dysphoric this month.

Month 9 - December

Handshakes make me uncomfortable. More so now than before my transition. Do women do handshakes? Is it a regular thing for a parent to give a handshake to a female teacher? I have seen people offer handshakes to male teachers, but I don't recall if I've seen people do that to my female co-workers. 

If it is normal for women to receive handshakes in this way, what is the standard social expectation for women's handshakes? Are they supposed to be firm? Am I even supposed to shake in the same way? How does any of this work?

I don't know anything about this. But when people hold their hand out to shake my hand, it just... I'll shake their hand, but... I dunno, it just feels weird. I've never really liked hand shaking, and now I have no idea if I'm shaking people's hands like a "guy" and being clueless about it. I've been trained all my life to do various things like this in a certain way, and now I have no idea what I'm doing, and I have to make this stuff up as I go, hoping I don't look like an idiot.

But as I think about this, I recall many people telling me that I've done lots of things in a fairly feminine way before I even came out, so... I guess I have that going for me. I saw my dad during this month and spent some time with him, and he said at some point while we were talking that my coming out as trans made more sense the more he thought about it. There were so many things I did that didn't quite fit right, and in the context of my being a woman, it all fits together. The tea party picnics on the front lawn with my stuffed animals, various body movement habits, my pinkie sticks out when I hold drinks with my right hand, I have a kind of prancing bounce to the way I move, I didn't like going camping because there were no toilets... The list goes on. That was kind of cool to hear from him. Before leaving his house, I had a somewhat teary eyed moment of thanking him for his support. Even if he has no idea what he's doing, he's accepting me as I am, and that's more than a lot of trans girl's fathers do...

Being my ninth month into hormone therapy, I have been making pregnancy jokes, saying my transition has been long enough to have a baby. This is, of course, to cover up the pain regarding the fact I'm sterile and barren... If you've read my post, "The Other Life I Lived," you'll know the deeper meaning behind this pain. I don't want children at this point in my life, but I do wish I had the capability to bear them. This was the hardest part of the decision to start hormone therapy, and is probably the only thing I have that I could possibly call a regret. But if I had children the other way, by freezing my semen, it would still not be the same as bearing them myself. So calling this a regret is probably inaccurate. It's not that I would have wanted children... It's that I would like to be able to have them as a woman. Killing off my sperm through hormone therapy doesn't really change anything in that regard, I guess.

A trans friend of my boyfriend killed herself during this month. It was a harsh reminder of how lucky I am to have a supportive and loving community. So many trans people don't get to have what I have. So many trans people are kicked out of their homes, rejected and disowned by their families, fired from their jobs, not hired because of who they are, and/or otherwise turned into outcasts by the society that surrounds them. It's very easy to be depressed as a trans person. It's very easy to feel like the world is against you, even when you have a loving and supportive community. And it's very easy to lose your self worth from the lack of support and the overwhelming amount of hate that is directed at you.

But you know what? In the face of all that hatred that causes me so much self-loathing, I can't harm myself. I felt really depressed during my 8th month, and you know what stopped me from cutting my arm? The fact that my arms are freaking beautiful, and so goddamn soft. I don't want to leave a scar on these works of art! You know what I did right after that? I looked down at my chest. Yeah, I'm rockin' with these arms, these legs, these boobs, 'dis booty, and I've got friggin' hips, girl!

My transition isn't even a full year in, and I look at my body and love it, so much. It's me. This is what I've wanted, and I'm not even done. I'll likely never be completely done, but I'm still physically developing. I'd say my body is around girl-puberty age 16 at this point, and damn I love it.

I've been working hard on my voice. I haven't mentioned my voice at all during any of the previous months because it hasn't really changed much from the hormones, if at all, from what I can tell. 

That's right, estrogen hormone therapy does not change your voice. Testosterone changes your voice, but once changed, estrogen cannot change it back. Only vocal training from a voice pathologist can do that, or an extremely risky vocal surgery.

That being said, my voice has changed a bit, but only because I've been attempting to train it myself. I looked into voice pathology to get a trainer, but I can't find anyone who's covered by my insurance, so I did a bunch of research online and consulted an LGBTQ support group. In an effort to train my voice to sound more feminine, I'm analyzing Bubblegum Eurodance music as I drive to work. Not only do I get to rock out like a teenage girl while I drive, but I get to sing along in an attempt to prepare my voice to speak in a higher register when I get to my classroom. I mix up the music sometimes, but the main point is that the music needs to push my upper octave range a little each time.

One of the trans support groups I'm in on Facebook introduced me to an app called Voice Pitch Analyzer. You speak into it by reading what it shows you on the screen, and it shows you where it falls on the frequency range, with a gauge that shows typical male and female ranges. When I first spoke into this app, I fell so low in the male range that I cried, and later that night had a panic attack. It felt like all my hard work all this time was for nothing, and that my voice training was a lost cause... It still feels like that sometimes, honestly... It's a very sensitive topic, and a talking point during therapy.

But there's more to this than just pitch, it's also how you use your voice. Men have a tendency to raise their voices to be louder when they're not being heard, and women have a tendency to raise their pitch more than their volume in the same circumstances. Men tend to sound more mono-toned on average when they talk, and women tend to sound somewhat more melodic, with varying pitches and notes. I'm trying to find my musical style, in a way, with my voice. I've also noticed that I require more oxygen to speak when I'm controlling my voice to sound more feminine.

So I'm analyzing music that has tones and musical patterns that I like, and within the mentality of the sounds of those songs that I sing along with, I try to replicate it when I talk. I think, after a few months now, it has been slowly making a difference.

I recorded a video of myself telling a story last month, and when I watched the video back, I looked at my body language and my voice patterns. I actually sounded a lot more feminine than I thought I would, and the way I moved my head and arms and neck wasn't masculine at all! If I didn't know I was trans, and I was watching this video from a completely neutral perspective, I think I'd just assume that the person in the video was a woman.

That made me so happy, I had to rewatch the video again. And again... I probably watched it about 6 times...

Despite all of the progress I'm trying to make with my voice though, I can't help but wish, in the back of my mind, that my voice was never changed by testosterone. I had a very feminine voice as a child, before my first puberty. I was "mistaken" for a girl many times back then because of my long hair and feminine voice. If I could've kept that voice, I would be able to sing perfectly in the same octaves as these Bubblegum Eurodance singers...

But that's all in the past, and the past can't be changed. I have to work with what I have where I am right now, in the present. And gender aside, I have a talented and capable voice, and a good ear for music. I am blessed to have musical talent enough to teach myself these vocal exercises, and I should be appreciating that, not living in memories of things I don't have. Making wishes does nothing, but this... This will make some progress happen.

I wish I could live by the last paragraph, but really, I get depressed rather often about my voice. I just do the training by singing with the music and counting to ten multiple times, and then I just... Try not to think about it as best I can from then on, while I continue to try and speak in a more feminine tone...

Here's something I wish I had thought of ages ago: using a heating pad to relieve breast pain during my cycles. Seriously, it works so well, I don't understand why I never thought of it. My sister-in-law told me about it. 

During our holiday dinner, I had my first experience having my thighs stick to a chair while wearing a skirt with no leggings. I dunno, I just felt like that was worth mentioning for some reason.

Shortly after that, I realized that because of the fat redistribution in my body, different parts of my body get cold faster. My thighs are usually just fine, but with the loss of muscle mass in my upper body, it feels like I get cold faster. And here I expected my boobs to help keep me warmer than this. They're just sacks of sweaty fat in the summer and lumps of cold in the winter. I see how it is.

...I'm sorry, boobies. I didn't mean it. You know Josie loves you <3

Somehow my estradiol prescription got cancelled on me during this month. Luckily I managed to catch it beforehand I ran out of patches, but I was down to 2 left in my box... That was kind of close. I don't know how that happened, because I'm supposed to be on these for the rest of my life. Nothing should have cancelled these. It's important to keep on top of this stuff! I was afraid my insurance wasn't going to cover it anymore or something. But everything's fine now! My doctor straightened it out, whatever it was...

In an online trans community, I heard about some kind of toxicity involved in taking spironolactone, and some supposed controversy in the trans community about using it? I'm very confused. All the significant info I could find after doing research and consulting my doctor was that spiro has a risk of high potassium toxicity, and my doctors have been monitoring my blood to test for that. My blood tests show my potassium is within normal ranges, and unless other people's blood tests are showing issues, I don't see the problem... Obviously there's a list of less common side effects, but those are not only rare, they apply to people with other medical conditions that I display no signs of. Let people take the meds that work for them, rather than dictate what they should and should not do... Not everyone's body works like yours. We have enough stigma in this society as it is without creating or own to divide ourselves...

Anyway, let's talk about my sex life! I apparently taste slightly sweet now, with a hint of bitter, similar to grapefruit. So that's a thing. Probably has to do with all the grapefruit and citrus I'm eating. But seeing as my ejaculate is completely clear now with no hint of white, I imagine the lack of sperm probably also has something to do with that as well.

I'm continuing to contemplate surgery... I did some more research on orchiectomy procedures. I hear that some surgeons refuse reassignment surgery if you've had an orchi, because of the reduction in tissue they have to work with, so that makes me nervous. I'm so sick of having testicles, and reassignment surgery just seems so far away, and it's so expensive, and... I wish I had some help with this from someone who knows what they're doing...

Honestly though, it's not just the testicles. As long as I'm going in to get an orchiectomy, I might as well just get a vaginoplasty instead. I know I want one, so why go through two surgeries when I could just get it all done with one? My "downstairs region" is giving me a great deal of dysmorphia again, and it jumpstarted my depression. My anxiety has been awful in the latter half of this month due to various personal life stuff, but having this on top of that certainly doesn't help.

I did some more research into a new vaginoplasty operation where they use tissue from the peritoneum to line the vaginal wall, instead of scrotal tissue. This is a great way for people who have had orchiectomies to get a successful vaginoplasty, but also it means a potentially more realistic vagina. The lining would be naturally hairless, smoother, moist, pink, and it wouldn't develop an armpit smell, because it's using skin that's already naturally meant to be inside your body. It's only been performed 30+ times, but I'm honestly really tempted, and after doing a bunch of research on this doctor, I think he's brilliant and talented... I sent him an email to inquire about this. According to Washington State law, I'm not supposed to be able to get a vaginoplasty until I've been on hormone therapy for at least a year, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can't start planning it.

I know I said a couple months ago that I was going to wait, but... This procedure sound good, and... Having a penis is really bothering me. Seriously. And the erection pain issues just remind me that I hate having erections. Every time I cross my legs, I'm reminded that I have something between them. Every time I use the bathroom I feel self conscious about the sound it makes. Every time I masturbate I wish I didn't have to hold it still for the vibrator to stay on the right spot... I don't want it anymore. I want this thing gone. I want a vagina. 

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• ... [My boyfriend] got me fancy new boots after going shoe shopping, and I'm considering this a kind of milestone.
• I have awkward moments now where I catch someone staring at me, but I'm not sure if they're staring because they noticed I'm trans, or if they're checking me out.
• Seriously, just because you haven't personally been exposed to openly transgender people doesn't mean they hadn't existed before. The internet is just making it harder to ignore them.
• If any of you are interested in how my experience starting hormone therapy went, and you're not super weirded out by reading about body changes, I have finished the introduction blog post that tells the story of starting my transition. [Pro tip: the site looks far better on a desktop rather than a phone or tablet]
  
  I'm writing this blog series mostly so I can share it with the trans communities on various websites, because there is so little accurate detailed information out there. I tried to find information before I started my transition, but there was so little, and people tend to not like talking about it. Especially not in detail. I didn't know the true scale of what I was getting into, and nobody seemed able to lay it out for me. Maybe this will help someone else out there who's in a similar situation!
  
  I'd have liked to know the true scope of everything first, but I have zero regrets, and I'm loving the journey. I'm at my 9th month now, and I still get giddy when I see myself in a mirror sometimes.
• If you ask if I'm okay, and I say I'm feeling down, and you press further and ask why, and I say my voice is bothering me... Please stop saying my voice sounds fine, or that there are other women out there with voices like mine.
  
  I hear my voice broadcasted through speakers every day at work; I know what it sounds like. The sound of my voice is wrong. It is not what it should be. Telling me that I am incorrect about that doesn't help.
  
  It's bad enough when a student tells me I sound like a boy... I know I do, kid. And you sound like a girl. Wanna trade?
  
  So yeah, please stop saying my voice sounds fine, and please stop saying that plenty of other women have my vocal range. Just say "I'm sorry you're having a rough day," and move onto another topic that requires me to talk less. Contradicting me just makes me feel worse.
  
  In case you haven't noticed, my voice is a sensitive topic for me... All that being said, randomly complimenting my singing is welcome! Compliments are great, as long as they're genuine.
• I've officially sent my first email to a reconstructive surgeon inquiring about the use of peritoneum tissue in affirmation surgery.

Left side without makeup and no bra. Right side with makeup... Also with no bra. Just an A cup, but lovin' the natural boobage ^_^

You can view the Month 10 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 8

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

Pretty much the whole first half of this post talks about my genitals. If you don't want to learn detailed information about the happenings of my lower loins, you best not read ahead.

Trigger warning for dysphoria: this post has some sensitive details that could be uncomfortable, and it mentions surgery.

Month 8 - November

I spent so long trying not to look at my genitals that it became fairly second nature to live in denial about their appearance. But at the beginning of this month, while trying to give myself a full erection to stretch out the area again (it's still painful), I looked. And I got caught off guard, because something was definitely different.

It's somehow bent in a subtle ~ shaped wave, aimed to the left in a way it definitely wasn't before. And during those "blood pump" moments, when it gets harder and pops up for a moment, it moves differently. It used to curve up, like a banana. Now it aims up, but at an upward diagonal angle, curving downward at the tip. It's like it contorts in a weird way due to being too small to hold the erection blood. I didn't think it shrunk THAT much, but I guess a small change can make a big difference.

This is such a pain in the butt. I hate erections. This whole experience just makes it more complicated to have sex. It's bad enough that the mood gets killed sometimes just from my desire to have a vagina, now I have to be reminded of what I have "downstairs" every time, because it hurts when I get turned on.

This whole thing just reinforces my desire to not have one of these anymore. But unfortunately, after doing more research into surgery, I realize I should wait until more methods are developed and perfected. I want my future vagina to have all the bells and whistles, as close to a natural one as possible. It will probably be stupidly expensive, but I will settle for no less, considering it will affect the rest of my life...

Luckily, after some practice over the course of this month and some more frequent "stretching" of the area from giving myself periodic erections, sex has become less painful. Looks like those random erections guys get are for a reason. This condition I have, from what I understand, is called penis atrophy, where the whole thing, inside and out, shrinks from lack of use. I am certainly not a doctor, so I can't really go into any more detail than that, but this gives me a label for it. And you know how we humans love to label things.

My facial hair seems to be continuing to thin out, but at the same painfully slow pace as ever... My emotions are all over the place once a month, but I think I'm getting the hang of it a bit more. Under stressful situations I'm learning to speak in more calm a voice, and when I'm feeling depressed I am able to let myself cry, within reason. It helps a lot.

My food cravings continue to surprise me, and feel more linked to emotional satisfaction, particularly while in a bad mood. I have a need to keep Nalley Garlic Dill Pickes in the fridge at all times, because you don't want to get in the way of me and my pickles when I'm having a craving. I've been craving a lot of salty foods. One of the weirdest combinations of foods I've eaten lately was chicken sausage gumbo with sherry vinegar and salt, with a side of chips and salsa, and a bowl of pickles doused in grapefruit juice.

Grapefruit juice is almost like the new lemons for me. It's so freaking good, omg... I've invented a new drink that I call the Josie Sunset. It's sparkling lemon/lime water with added fresh lemon and lime juice, grapefruit juice, and a tiny amount of raspberry syrup. It's looks like a pretty sunset until you stir it. My mom tried a sip of it today and made a skrunched up sour face, saying, "Dear god, that's too sour!" I took my drink back and took another sip. I have no idea what she's talking about, it actually tasted like it needed more lemon to me.

Clearly my body is desperately craving Vitamin C and salt for some reason. I'm just rolling with it. So much citrus...

By the end of this month, my boyfriend said after nearly two weeks of not seeing me, my areolas looked larger than before. Most of the time my left boob is larger than my right, by a large enough amount for me to notice, but I'm not sure other people would see a difference without being told to look for it. But my nipples growing with a large enough difference to notice within only two weeks is pretty interesting to hear about.

Upon closer inspection at my chest one day after a shower, I began to notice veins that I'm pretty sure weren't there before, or at least weren't visible. They ran across my chest, gathering at my nipples. What a weird thing to suddenly notice. I don't know if this is only being noticed now because my transition changes are making it easier to spot, or if these veins are actually new. If they're new, that would certainly explain the constant amount of pain I felt during my first few months. At this point the pain is periodic, rather than constant.

Now this is going to sound really weird, but I've started noticing more often a smell of vagina when I don't shower. Honestly, I was going to bed one night and caught a whiff of it. I thought it was a smell that had to have been from someone else's clothes in the room, but no, it was coming from my panties. The body odor that comes from "downstairs" smells female. Also, my pee sometimes even smells like vagina pee somehow. My armpits, however, when I don't have a shower for too long, smell like curry. Depending on how much I sweat, curry that's gone off a little, but always curry. This is a detail that no doctor has ever prepared me for, or suggested in any way was possible. The curry smell may be largely related to my diet, but the vagina smell? I don't think so... Is that even normal? 

My face has begun to look feminine enough to where, without makeup, I can look at myself in a mirror and see a female. Kind of. The subtle facial hair shadow still really bothers me, and I swear, that cannot go away fast enough... But it is going away. 

At this point I believe I had decided not to do face feminization surgery, having seen that my face is developing well without it. I honestly didn't think the hormones would have as much impact as they have. But I think the most important thing about this is to make sure I recognize that the changes are there. When you've spent so long looking masculine and are desperately trying to change that, it's so easy to get stuck in the belief that your face looks masculine no matter what you do. Make absolutely sure you're being objective, and recognizing the changes. Look past what your brain is trying to see, and just look at yourself as though you're a random person on the street. What do you see?

It helps a lot to see yourself in a video that somebody else records, because that way you can see the whole package, including body language movements.

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• Awkward accidental reference to my body during class today. A student was playing with a small toy, and long story short, it accidentally got flung halfway across the room and hit me directly in the crotch while I was standing up. What are the freaking odds of that, am I right?!
  
  I did not react at all. No leaning forward, no change in expression, because it legitimately didn't hurt. I just slowly and casually turned to look at the student and said: "Pick that up and put it away."
  
  The student, having seen everything, looked at me with great surprise/confusion on his face, and while putting it away said, "Sorry, my bad. I didn't mean to hurt anyone."
  
  I said "Nah, that didn't hurt, you're good. Just stop playing with that during class." This seemed to increase the confusion on the kid's face.
  
  I was laughing so hard in my head, but only cracked a small smile. I so badly wanted to say "Dude, I'm a woman. There's nothing there to hurt."

I started to get my look down, and I learned how to smile. Left side without makeup, right side with. I love all the pictures I took from this month, they're so great!

You can view the Month 9 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 7

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

There are a few references to my sexual body parts in this post. If you don't want to learn some detailed information about my body, you best not read ahead.

Month 7 - October

I started to notice hairs around my nipples were much more thin and soft. They might be practically gone from casual sight within the next few months! I know cis women have hairs in that area, but it's not about that fact that the hairs are there so much as how thick and dark they are. And mine are losing their pigment and getting thinner!

My pickle cravings turned into a nighttime ritual. I craved them so often that they turned into a typical nighttime snack, and I'd eat two or three while watching TV before bed. My obsession with lemons lowered a bit, in favor of grapefruits. I freaking love grapefruit. So now I'm mixing lemon juice and grapefruit together with sparkling water as a typical drink. But the weirdest and most PMS craving I may have had yet was when I poured grapefruit juice into a bowl of pickles, combining it with pickle juice. I ate that with a chicken sausage gumbo in which I poured an excessive amount of sherry vinegar. My body must be craving this stuff for a reason... Right? =/

I requested the results from my very first blood test, from before I started on hormones, since I never actually got to see them before. My testosterone was 550 ng/dL and my estrogen was 24.3 pg/mL. The average testosterone for males of my height and weight is around 772 ng/dL. So I was lower than average, but still within normal range, and not considered a significant imbalance. The average estrogen for males of my height and build is about 25 pg/mL. So I was just shy of the average on that. 

I guess I was pretty darn ordinary. But then I started hormone treatment and within 2 months my estrogen went from 24 to 144, and my testosterone went from 550 to 13. And now, my most recent blood test showed my levels at 448 estrogen and 24 testosterone. It's like they swapped places!

My breasts continue to shape up and develop, with increased jiggle as I go up and down the stairs. It no longer hurts to go braless, so I've been taking off my bra when I get home every day. Sometimes when they're feeling particularly sore, I have had to hold them in place so they don't bounce painfully when I'm going up and down stairs. I'm still filling out an A cup, so they're not really very big, but the bouncing can still be painful on a bad day.

I'm starting to notice my facial hair becoming softer and lighter than before. It's still all I can see when I look at my face in a mirror, but I can tell that progress is being made. My face is certainly more feminine, but I am still pretty self conscious of it when I'm not in makeup.

Despite everything, I decided against face feminization surgery. At the very least, I decided I needed to wait out the whole hormone process for at a year before making up my mind about that. Clearly my face was changing, and I might not even see myself the same way by the time I've gotten to the one year mark.

The mere fact I had doubts about it meant I had to reset my "counter." Because in order for me to make a decision of that magnitude, I need to consistently have the resolve to answer yes to wanting it for 6 months straight. I need to not have doubts about it, because there's no turning back.

Remember back in Month 1 when I said my depression had disappeared? Well, unfortunately, I declare that my depression has officially returned. The euphoria of having started my transition has faded, and things have settled down. I've started acting a little more "normal" and stopped obsessing about my boobs to my friends so much. 

My depression returned, but the feeling of loving myself still lingers. Despite my depression, I don't yell at myself, and I don't put myself down so much. Instead, I tell myself to take care of myself, I ask myself what's wrong and what I could do to help, and I just let myself cry when I need to. The depression tends to get worse during my cycle, of course, but it's hard to tell when my cycle truly begins and ends, since I don't bleed. So I'm going off of all the other signs, which are harder to reliably identify.

My underlying anxiety disorder never really changed throughout my transition, but I did develop more skills to fight it off. My depression returned at this point, but again, since I learned to love myself more, I'd developed more skills to work with myself through my issues.

It occurred to me that I used to, before my transition, constantly have trouble identifying what emotion I was feeling when I was upset. But now, at this point in my transition, I don't have that problem. I can name my emotions and identify them with more ease now. I cannot necessarily tell you why I'm feeling them, but I can tell you what it is I'm feeling, in what combination. I think people who don't have issues identifying the difference between fear, sadness, and anger don't understand how good they have it. Don't ever take that ability for granted. You may be sad, but at least you know that sadness is what you're feeling. It's so frustrating when you feel some crappy emotion that has you down, but can't identify what it is.

I don't entirely know if this is related to my transition, but I also started to notice that my fingernails were thinner and sharper than they used to be. I had been scratching myself with them on accident while itching my face, without realizing it, and they break more easily than before. I have what looks like a cat scratch on my thigh - three thin claw-like marks. It was from itching my thigh after shaving! It left a small scar! What's up with that?!

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• So you know that thing where you put your heels and back up against a wall and lean forward? Supposedly, men can't do it without falling over, but women can. I used to fall forward. Now I don't. I can bend to a 90 degree angle from the wall ;D
• Oh, yesterday was national coming out day, or something. Pretty sure you all know I'm trans by now. I'm also pansexual. If you don't know what that is, basically it means I'll sleep with whomever I'm attracted to, regardless of binary or non-binary gender. So... Yeah.
• [At a friend's] party tonight I wasn't misgendered once, and there were hugs, and good conversation, and everyone just got messed up and had lots of fun together... I love how comfortable I feel around my friends! And I love that I feel just as comfortable around their friends too. Thank you everybody! I needed that ^_^
• Waiting for Lake Washington Institute of Technology to send me a new diploma with my changed name. But I can officially hang my college accolades up by my bed again! Got my name changed on the honor society certificate, and I Photoshopped the president's list letter I got in 2010 :P

This is when I really started seeing my natural face appear more feminine. Left side without makeup, right side with. I look feminine in both! And my freckles became more pronounced :)

You can view the Month 8 post by clicking here. >>>