This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.
Sexual Content Material!
Sexual Content Material!
I talk about body parts and their functions during sexual acts in this post. If you don't want to hear about this stuff in detail, especially within the context of my body, you best not read ahead.
Month 11 - February
There appears to be a lack of consensus in the trans community around what your hormone levels should be. Everybody seems to have a different opinion. Different doctors will tout different levels, and everyone you talk to online will either not know, or have different opinions on where you should be.
This is not helpful for anyone, especially themselves, because it creates rifts in the community. When people believe they are right and others are wrong, a barrier is put up between them, and both sides feel a lack of support. The trans community needs to have people support each other better than that... We can't all be right. We are also all different people with different biological needs and different biological responses to the hormones. One person cannot arbitrarily say that what the other person is doing is wrong without evidence to back up what they're saying.
Here's a social issue I'm not sure I've talked about on here yet: the difference between transwoman and trans woman. Believe it or not, the space is important not only because it is the grammatically correct option, but also because not having a space has implications you may not have considered. Think about it. You never say blondewoman, whitewoman, blackwoman, asianwoman, etc... So why would you say transwoman?
The difference here comes from recognizing that blonde women, black women, asian women, white women, are women. It's the word "woman" acting as the noun, and the word "blonde" acting as the adjective. The noun being the thing, and the adjective being the description of the thing. By saying "transwoman" you are combining the adjective and the noun together to create a new noun. Why wasn't the old noun good enough for this? Because people don't recognize transgender women as being the same as a woman.
I know some of you may be saying in reply to that, "But you weren't born as a woman. You had to transition to become one." No. Stop that. That is not how that works. I was born a woman - a woman with incorrect chromosomes. Think of it as having been born with a hormone imbalance. I was a woman all along, but because of that hormone imbalance, everybody thought I was not. Therefore, I went through life being told I was a boy so often that I even believed it myself. I took me many years to get past what everyone else was telling me, to figure out the truth.
So please, say "trans woman" with a space. The space is important, because trans women are women, not some other noun. Just as blonde women are women, so are trans women. Because trans is the adjective, not the noun.
My grandma, who has dementia, moved in with us in January, and it has been a struggle dealing with her misgendering me on a regular basis. I've come out to her many times at this point, but her dementia causes her to completely forget our conversations every time I try, so I've given up. Every time I come home it's "Oh, there he is!" It has gotten to a point where I have to coat the situation in humor and extremes as a way to cope. I was cleaning the dishes one night, and she said I was a good boyfriend, doing the dishes for my lady. So I said "I AM the lady!" and pulled my shirt up to flash my boobs. She laughed and said, "Oh, I know it!" I'm not entirely sure what was in her head as she said that...
By the end of this month I've started wearing glasses, and I think that between that and my new haircut, I have finally become different enough in appearance that my grandma no longer recognizes me when I walk in the door. Now she says, "Oh hey, it's... Someone's at the door." This whole situation is causing me more anxiety than I had ever expected. Aside from the mixed feelings that come from her not recognizing me, and occasionally mistaking me for my mom, the regular misgendering has made me cry a lot by itself. It's one thing for random strangers to misgender you, when when it's a family member you live with, and they're doing it to you every single day, it eats away at you. It doesn't matter whether they know what they're doing, they're still doing it, and it still hurts. Home is supposed to be a place where you feel safe and comfortable, and misgendering a trans person is a really easy way to quickly make them feel uncomfortable. At this point, I am very rarely misgendered in public, even when I'm wearing my large parka coat, unless I'm going swimming or having a bad facial hair day...
I've been a part of some various online trans communities lately, and it's been nice feeling that connection to other people who know my struggles. It has made me realize, however, that I seem to have worked past a lot more of my issues than most of the people I meet online. I have been experiencing a lot of dysphoria around my voice, my facial hair, and my lower parts, but otherwise my mental and physical health is actually not that bad in the grand scheme of things.
I felt like I needed some help with my voice therapy situation, and the online communities weren't able to give me the help I was looking for, so I turned to a local LGBTQ group and thought attending one of their meetings might be helpful, and maybe I'd find someone who could help guide me. What ended up happening was that I was one of two trans people there who had their identity down. Everyone there was struggling so much more than I was, and I reached out to help them, completely forgetting my own question. But none of them would've really had an answer for my question anyway, so that's when I think I truly realized... I'm not new to this anymore. I'm not a baby trans girl anymore, learning the ropes. I'm a grown trans woman who knows what she's doing. What? When did this happen? When did I become the one who knows nearly all the answers to these questions they had?
Well, at least here's one question I didn't have an answer to at the time: muffing. For trans women, this word has a different meaning that I had previously understood. I knew about "muff" as a '70s slang term for vagina, but apparently "muffing," when referring to a trans woman, means to... For lack of a better word, "finger bang" her. But not in the butt. Let me give a brief biology lesson...
So people who were assigned male at birth often have testicles. Those testicles drop out from an abdominal cavity. When it is very cold out, sometimes the testes will suck back up into that abdominal cavity for warmth, to help maintain a particular temperature. This is the same abdominal cavity that aids in what I call the "trans tuck." I forget if I've explained this already, but I will again: the "trans tuck" is when you gently push your testicles up into your abdominal cavity, tuck the penis down in between your legs, and wrap the empty scrotum around the penis to help hold it in place. Yes, this means the testicles are now up inside the abdomen, not inside the scrotum.
Alright, now all of that being said, "muffing" is when you position your testicles away from one of your two abdominal cavities and stick your fingers up inside of the abdominal cavity. This is a form of penetration used in sex with trans women. Sometimes. It depends on how much it weirds both sides out.
So yeah, that was some new information I acquired this month. I've tried sticking my finger in there, and it feels rather weird, so I stopped. But I am fascinated by it, so I'll probably try it again at various points, as I'm feeling brave.
Apparently I didn't take many pictures of myself this month... I guess I've gotten used to my appearance and the surprise is wearing off. Left side without makeup; right side in my doctor's office with makeup. I'm getting glasses, so get used to the look on the left.
This is not helpful for anyone, especially themselves, because it creates rifts in the community. When people believe they are right and others are wrong, a barrier is put up between them, and both sides feel a lack of support. The trans community needs to have people support each other better than that... We can't all be right. We are also all different people with different biological needs and different biological responses to the hormones. One person cannot arbitrarily say that what the other person is doing is wrong without evidence to back up what they're saying.
This month is my first year mark on spironolactone, and I had my dosage changed from 100mg twice a day to 100mg once a day, because of concerns about my low blood pressure. At the same time my estradiol was increased from 2 patches per week to three per week. So far so good, after two weeks I think I'm feeling an overall feeling of better health on the new dosages.
On the new dosages, there was a surprising difference in ejaculate amount. That much hadn't come out since month 2. I wonder if that's from a potentially higher testosterone amount... If so, I'm not sure I like the implications of that. Here's hoping my testosterone didn't go up too much... I don't want this delaying my reduction of facial hair >_>
On the new dosages, there was a surprising difference in ejaculate amount. That much hadn't come out since month 2. I wonder if that's from a potentially higher testosterone amount... If so, I'm not sure I like the implications of that. Here's hoping my testosterone didn't go up too much... I don't want this delaying my reduction of facial hair >_>
Here's a social issue I'm not sure I've talked about on here yet: the difference between transwoman and trans woman. Believe it or not, the space is important not only because it is the grammatically correct option, but also because not having a space has implications you may not have considered. Think about it. You never say blondewoman, whitewoman, blackwoman, asianwoman, etc... So why would you say transwoman?
The difference here comes from recognizing that blonde women, black women, asian women, white women, are women. It's the word "woman" acting as the noun, and the word "blonde" acting as the adjective. The noun being the thing, and the adjective being the description of the thing. By saying "transwoman" you are combining the adjective and the noun together to create a new noun. Why wasn't the old noun good enough for this? Because people don't recognize transgender women as being the same as a woman.
I know some of you may be saying in reply to that, "But you weren't born as a woman. You had to transition to become one." No. Stop that. That is not how that works. I was born a woman - a woman with incorrect chromosomes. Think of it as having been born with a hormone imbalance. I was a woman all along, but because of that hormone imbalance, everybody thought I was not. Therefore, I went through life being told I was a boy so often that I even believed it myself. I took me many years to get past what everyone else was telling me, to figure out the truth.
So please, say "trans woman" with a space. The space is important, because trans women are women, not some other noun. Just as blonde women are women, so are trans women. Because trans is the adjective, not the noun.
My walk feels different. It appears to be using different muscles than it used to, causing it to feel more like a workout. I just discovered that this month. I'm not entirely sure why. It could be a number of things, but it feels like it's using different muscles, possibly because the fat redistribution has changed my center of gravity. In any case, I should probably work on this so I don't end up miserably out of shape... Well, more out of shape than I already am, that is...
When I get really frustrated, I feel a kind of fire well up inside me. Before hormones, when that fire became intense enough, it would cause me to feel a fight or flight response, usually resulting in me yelling. But now, instead of yelling with a booming voice, I cry and yell through my tears. I haven't gotten to that point very often, and I don't really like to yell at the top of my lungs, but when I do now, there are also tears involved, and the tears usually come first. More often than not though, if I get super frustrated, I tend to respond from a place of sadness rather than a place of anger. This could be from the hormones, but also it could be from a certain amount of personal growth work I've been doing. I try to keep my emotional responses to things in check to be used as a tool for productivity. If my response makes things worse, then it's something I need to work on.
The way boobs grow, with trans women and with girl puberty in general, is that the nipples protrude out first creating a kind of triangular "cone" shape, and then the rest of the boob fills out to meet the nipple. And mine are filling out more! Of course, this means more growth pain. It's been pretty bad this month, even getting to a point where I had to go to work without a bra, because the bra was making the pain too distracting. I wore three layers of clothes to make sure no nipples poked through... Because my bra wasn't there to shape my boobs into a nice pleasing "all in one place" kind of shape, they moved around when I leaned to one sure, and it made me look flatter. But it was so much more comfortable, so I don't really care. I'm not going to work to look attractive anyway.
On the day I went in without a bra, one other thing happened that caught me by surprise: this was the first time I drove a car without a bra since around month 1 or 2. The result of that was that the little bumps I drove over on the road, and the subtle bouncing done by the car, made me boobs jiggle while I sat in the driver's seat. I wound up smiling during the whole drive because of how funny it felt.
On the day I went in without a bra, one other thing happened that caught me by surprise: this was the first time I drove a car without a bra since around month 1 or 2. The result of that was that the little bumps I drove over on the road, and the subtle bouncing done by the car, made me boobs jiggle while I sat in the driver's seat. I wound up smiling during the whole drive because of how funny it felt.
My grandma, who has dementia, moved in with us in January, and it has been a struggle dealing with her misgendering me on a regular basis. I've come out to her many times at this point, but her dementia causes her to completely forget our conversations every time I try, so I've given up. Every time I come home it's "Oh, there he is!" It has gotten to a point where I have to coat the situation in humor and extremes as a way to cope. I was cleaning the dishes one night, and she said I was a good boyfriend, doing the dishes for my lady. So I said "I AM the lady!" and pulled my shirt up to flash my boobs. She laughed and said, "Oh, I know it!" I'm not entirely sure what was in her head as she said that...
By the end of this month I've started wearing glasses, and I think that between that and my new haircut, I have finally become different enough in appearance that my grandma no longer recognizes me when I walk in the door. Now she says, "Oh hey, it's... Someone's at the door." This whole situation is causing me more anxiety than I had ever expected. Aside from the mixed feelings that come from her not recognizing me, and occasionally mistaking me for my mom, the regular misgendering has made me cry a lot by itself. It's one thing for random strangers to misgender you, when when it's a family member you live with, and they're doing it to you every single day, it eats away at you. It doesn't matter whether they know what they're doing, they're still doing it, and it still hurts. Home is supposed to be a place where you feel safe and comfortable, and misgendering a trans person is a really easy way to quickly make them feel uncomfortable. At this point, I am very rarely misgendered in public, even when I'm wearing my large parka coat, unless I'm going swimming or having a bad facial hair day...
I've been a part of some various online trans communities lately, and it's been nice feeling that connection to other people who know my struggles. It has made me realize, however, that I seem to have worked past a lot more of my issues than most of the people I meet online. I have been experiencing a lot of dysphoria around my voice, my facial hair, and my lower parts, but otherwise my mental and physical health is actually not that bad in the grand scheme of things.
I felt like I needed some help with my voice therapy situation, and the online communities weren't able to give me the help I was looking for, so I turned to a local LGBTQ group and thought attending one of their meetings might be helpful, and maybe I'd find someone who could help guide me. What ended up happening was that I was one of two trans people there who had their identity down. Everyone there was struggling so much more than I was, and I reached out to help them, completely forgetting my own question. But none of them would've really had an answer for my question anyway, so that's when I think I truly realized... I'm not new to this anymore. I'm not a baby trans girl anymore, learning the ropes. I'm a grown trans woman who knows what she's doing. What? When did this happen? When did I become the one who knows nearly all the answers to these questions they had?
Well, at least here's one question I didn't have an answer to at the time: muffing. For trans women, this word has a different meaning that I had previously understood. I knew about "muff" as a '70s slang term for vagina, but apparently "muffing," when referring to a trans woman, means to... For lack of a better word, "finger bang" her. But not in the butt. Let me give a brief biology lesson...
So people who were assigned male at birth often have testicles. Those testicles drop out from an abdominal cavity. When it is very cold out, sometimes the testes will suck back up into that abdominal cavity for warmth, to help maintain a particular temperature. This is the same abdominal cavity that aids in what I call the "trans tuck." I forget if I've explained this already, but I will again: the "trans tuck" is when you gently push your testicles up into your abdominal cavity, tuck the penis down in between your legs, and wrap the empty scrotum around the penis to help hold it in place. Yes, this means the testicles are now up inside the abdomen, not inside the scrotum.
Alright, now all of that being said, "muffing" is when you position your testicles away from one of your two abdominal cavities and stick your fingers up inside of the abdominal cavity. This is a form of penetration used in sex with trans women. Sometimes. It depends on how much it weirds both sides out.
So yeah, that was some new information I acquired this month. I've tried sticking my finger in there, and it feels rather weird, so I stopped. But I am fascinated by it, so I'll probably try it again at various points, as I'm feeling brave.
Apparently I didn't take many pictures of myself this month... I guess I've gotten used to my appearance and the surprise is wearing off. Left side without makeup; right side in my doctor's office with makeup. I'm getting glasses, so get used to the look on the left.
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