This is continuing off my Discovering Myself post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.
This time, let's focus more on how I came out of the closet. I came out first as gender fluid, but trying avoiding labels, so I didn't conform to anything in particular. This was in order to give myself free reign to figure myself out without "box" limitations.
Coming out to my mom
In my previous post I talked a little bit about how my mom found out I was wearing women's clothing. But I didn't really explain how I came out to her as trans. Considering I lived with her, and she already saw me wearing girl clothes all the time, complete with bras and silicone boobs to fill them, I figured this probably wouldn't be much of a surprise.
I guess I thought wrong, because when I sat down on the couch to talk to my mom and tell her I'm trans, it looked like it hit her by surprise. I'm going to paraphrase basically what I said to her when I sat down on the couch while she was reading:
"Hey, I want to tell you about something. Over the past 6 years or so I've been doing a lot of self discovery, and you've seen me wearing breast attachments and women's clothing a lot. Well... I've come to the conclusion that I am not gender fluid, I am transgender. I am female. I've talked to my doctor, and I'm looking to start hormone treatment. I am also changing my name and pronoun, so I'd like you to call me Josie, and refer to me as she."
My mom was visibly shaken as we talked. I didn't realize until then that she must have thought my girl stuff was some kind of phase. A phase that had lasted 6 years... I'm not sure she realized how long I'd been doing that. At first she seemed rather offended by the name change, because she really liked my old name, and she seemed to think I was changing it because I didn't like it. It wasn't that I didn't like it, it was that it was male. It was clearly a boy's name, and not the kind of name that could be used interchangeably. She repeated a few times how she named me, and how it felt like I was trying to get rid of her or something by changing my name... It was clearly not a rational reaction. As we talked I tried to have as much patience as I could, assuring her that I was not doing this to spite her or her decisions in any way, it is merely who I am.
I found it kind of irritating that in this situation, I was the one effectively supporting her, rather than her being the one supporting me. I was the one coming out, and I was the one who needed support, and yet here she was arguing against me like I was trying to attack her or something. As we continued our conversation she eventually calmed down. Once the conversation had calmed she asked what I was going to do with my middle name.
"My middle name? Oh dear, my middle name... I have no idea, I honestly completely forgot about that! I'd want it to be basically the female version of what it currently is, just like my first name."
She suggested Elli. I completely agreed, and now that's what's on my driver's license. She felt happy that at least, on this second time around, she still got to give me my middle name.
Since then, she had a learning curve as she got used to this concept of gender being dynamic, and she's read articles and things to help her understand. Since I live with her, it's been a struggle as my hormones have created teenage drama, and we've had fights, but she understands more about who I am than she ever has before, and I feel like she's fully accepted me as her daughter. We've even had some moments of girl talk, and she's started consulting me on fashion choices.
In the same way she has fought people on women's rights issues in the past, she is now ready to jump in as a transgender ally, armed with scientific articles when people spread LGBTQ hate speech.
Coming out to my neighbors
In my previous post I talked about how I lived in a co-housing community where all my neighbors knew each other and we wave and say hi as we're walking by, and it's all friendly and nice. In this neighborhood, word spreads fast, and rumours can form quickly as a result. I was seen a few times walking around while I was wearing my breast attachments. Now surprisingly enough, few people tended to notice. But it sparked some conversation, and I felt I needed to come out. I sent everyone in the community an email to clarify what was going on.
Here is that email:
Subject: Everybody Please Read to Minimize Questions
Hello [neighborhood name]!
There's something that I am tired of hiding, and I wanted to give everybody a heads up so I don't catch people too off guard. Starting in about a week I'm going to stop covering up the boobs and feminine clothing I've been wearing when I walk around outside. I realize this is pretty blatant, but I'm still the same [my old name] you've all known, it's merely my appearance that has been changed slightly.
To answer some questions in advance, here's a small list of the why:
In retrospect, this would've made an excellent April Fools email because nobody would realize I'd be telling the truth, haha. Feel free to email me if you have additional questions, and I am going to wait about a week to ensure that everyone got this email before I stop hiding it.
And thank you to everyone who already knows! You've all been great, and I'm happy to have such accepting people in my neighborhood :)
-[my old name]
My email was pretty well received. There were a few neighbors who had sticks up their butts and found my breast attachments offensive, but the supportive people helped me shut them up. Once those people realized I'm not doing it for attention, or to insult women, they seemed to back off and look at me like a human being again. It's so strange how people can twist anything into a way to be offended...
By the time I was coming out as trans, I needed to send out another email to the community, so everyone would know I was changing my name and pronouns. This was that email:
Subject: My Name/Pronoun Change
Hello, [neighborhood name]!
A little over a week ago I came out as transgender on Facebook and declared my pronoun as female and my name as Josie. It occurs to me that I have forgotten to come out to the rest of [neighborhood name]!
So hi! I'm Josie. I'm trans female. I like fixing things, playing video games, being nerdy, and being fabulous ;)
I realize that name and pronoun changes can be pretty hard to get used to, especially for those who have known me for a long time. So I want to let it be known that I understand slip ups happen. I appreciate effort more than accuracy, so just the act of catching yourself, to me, makes up for the slip up.
A brief FAQ, because I'm sure there will be questions:
I'm proud of how many unique people in this neighborhood are comfortable being who they are. It's because of that that I am able to type this email in confidence that I live in a pretty accepting and fantastic place with awesome neighbors!
Please do not go to my mother to ask questions about me. She's not the one coming out as trans, I am.
Questions about things she's still figuring out herself is not something she needs right now.
-Josie
Considering the neighborhood had already seen me dressed as female more often than not at this point, my email was pretty well received, and I think everyone was pretty much expecting it. The only thing I had to deal with was repeating questions, which ultimately led to the creation of this blog. I got a bit tired of answering the same questions over and over and decided I'd just write the experience down and send them a link.
Some people just want to live their lives and not have to answer questions about their identity all the time. But it doesn't bother me, as long as the questions are coming from a place of genuine curiosity and not from a place of judgement. I answer people's questions, but I try to make sure to add that not all trans people would want to be this open. People shouldn't jump in and ask other trans people personal questions unless told that it's okay. Asking a trans person about their transition is kind of like asking someone to recount all the dirty details of their puberty. It's kind of personal and not really any of your business. But in my case, for the sake of education, I'm letting aspects my personal life out in the open. I'm weird like that.
Coming out to my dad
My last post ended when I said I came out to my dad. I bet some people are wondering how I went about doing that, especially because I talked about how he came from a Christian background. No offense to Christians, of course, I just mean to say that most who come from a Christian background tend not to consider trans people worthy of living, so I was scared of being disowned. It's depressingly common for dads to disown their children when they come out.
Just a reminder to those who've forgotten, my parents are divorced, and I don't live with my dad, so when I see him it's when I'm visiting him. Years before coming out to him as trans, I told him, albeit awkwardly, that I sometimes wear girl clothes, without including the word "gender" in my explanation. His initial reaction was this:
"Well, that.... Doesn't... Change the fact that I love you. Actually, wait a sec... Nope, still love you."
Yep, that's my dad... He cracked me up a little with that one. Considering his sense of humor, I'd say we're probably related.
He seemed confused, but ultimately intending to be supportive, which was a relief. There were some uncomfortable silences that probably only lasted a few seconds, but to me felt like a few minutes. The bra thing weirded him out a little, I could tell... After that conversation, I proceeded to never wear girl clothing in front of him. I was too nervous. As the years went by, I'm sure he forgot our conversation. I was still scared of him seeing me that way, especially since I didn't really know how to explain myself to answer his inevitable questions.
For a trans girl, coming out to your dad is terrifying. Your dad is the symbol of masculinity in your life, and statistically speaking, the dad is the one who's going to have a harder time understanding any of it. He's more likely to be the one outraged by it, because of his lack of understanding. It's very easy for him to screw it up and crush you with hurtful words.
When I came out to my dad a second time, this time knowing more about who I am and completely coming out as trans, I was too scared of talking to him directly. So I sent him an email. This was probably for the best anyway, because it meant he wasn't going to respond with his emotional reaction, and instead he'd have more time to mull it over before replying.
Here's the email I sent to him:
Subject: Who I Am
I have something I feel I should talk about. Do you remember that time a few years ago when I told you I wear girl clothes? I'm realizing you've been on my Facebook page at this point, so chances are you've probably seen a picture of me dressed that way at this point.
I never dressed that way in front of you because I was nervous about your reaction. It can be strange to those who haven't been exposed to this at all in their lives, especially if it involves their children. Mom certainly had an undesirable reaction when she first saw it, but she was caught by surprise without an explanation. It's a side of me I wasn't sure you would be able to accept. So I told you about it, and then I left it at that, never bringing it up again, and not even giving you the chance to see what I'm talking about. I was afraid, and I felt like having told you once was enough, and it would be okay to just let you forget. That was wrong of me.
I was referring to myself as "gender fluid" back when I first mentioned this to you, because some days I felt more masculine and other days I felt more feminine. I would dress according to how I felt, and somehow dressing the way I felt made me feel a lot more comfortable and happy. It even helped relieve a lot of my anxiety and depression issues. Eventually it even made me feel more confident.
Gradually over time I felt the need to dress female more often. The days where I felt masculine were fewer than the days where I felt feminine. I began to feel like I was wearing a costume when I wore male clothes. This made me take another look at myself to ask myself who I really am.
It has been 6 years now since I started wearing girl clothes. 6 years of asking myself so many questions I never before even thought to ask. 6 years of significant self discovery, and of learning to accept a side of myself I have kept extremely secret for as long as I can remember.
So I have a whopper of a confession for you. I am transitioning to be female. I am transgender, and I have been responding to Josephia (Josie for short) and "she/her" pronouns. Mom seems to have been in denial about this and I don't think she's really accepted it yet, even though she's seen my development for the past 5 years. I think she thought it was some kind of phase. Keeping you in the dark has been wrong, and I believe the next time I see you I should present myself as I normally do, rather than disguise myself as a guy for you.
I'm sorry I waited so long to really tell you what's going on. It's hard to talk about and I was uncertain what was happening myself, so I felt I had to wait until I had solid answers to give.
You don't have to reply immediately; by all means take your time to process this information. You can talk about it with [my dad's girlfriend's name] if that helps you process it. Just know that I'm still your child, I still have a major knack for technology, I still love you, and this is mostly just my exterior that's changing, really. You are welcome to ask questions if you want, whenever you're ready.
-Josie
And here was his reply:
Dear Josie;
I took your suggestion and took some time to respond to your email. This is not a complete surprise because, as you said, I have been checking Facebook occasionally.
First and foremost, and above all, I will always love and support you. Having said that, I know you will understand that this is going to be a process for me.
I named you, gave you your first bath, and you have been my son for almost 27 years. I don't pretend to understand this, but I'm trying to learn. I want to learn about what you're going through, and how you feel. I know it took a lot of courage for you to write this email to me. I'm glad that you were so honest with me and let me know this is who you are and it's permanent.
I know it will be awkward and uncomfortable the next few times we are together. I understand you're the same person but in a sense this will be like meeting a stranger and losing my son. Please have patience with me as we go through this transition because it's unfamiliar to me and it's huge and I am me.
You are my child. I will always love you and will do my best.
Love, Dad
Coming out to my mom
I guess I thought wrong, because when I sat down on the couch to talk to my mom and tell her I'm trans, it looked like it hit her by surprise. I'm going to paraphrase basically what I said to her when I sat down on the couch while she was reading:
"Hey, I want to tell you about something. Over the past 6 years or so I've been doing a lot of self discovery, and you've seen me wearing breast attachments and women's clothing a lot. Well... I've come to the conclusion that I am not gender fluid, I am transgender. I am female. I've talked to my doctor, and I'm looking to start hormone treatment. I am also changing my name and pronoun, so I'd like you to call me Josie, and refer to me as she."
I found it kind of irritating that in this situation, I was the one effectively supporting her, rather than her being the one supporting me. I was the one coming out, and I was the one who needed support, and yet here she was arguing against me like I was trying to attack her or something. As we continued our conversation she eventually calmed down. Once the conversation had calmed she asked what I was going to do with my middle name.
"My middle name? Oh dear, my middle name... I have no idea, I honestly completely forgot about that! I'd want it to be basically the female version of what it currently is, just like my first name."
Since then, she had a learning curve as she got used to this concept of gender being dynamic, and she's read articles and things to help her understand. Since I live with her, it's been a struggle as my hormones have created teenage drama, and we've had fights, but she understands more about who I am than she ever has before, and I feel like she's fully accepted me as her daughter. We've even had some moments of girl talk, and she's started consulting me on fashion choices.
In the same way she has fought people on women's rights issues in the past, she is now ready to jump in as a transgender ally, armed with scientific articles when people spread LGBTQ hate speech.
Coming out to my neighbors
Here is that email:
Subject: Everybody Please Read to Minimize Questions
Hello [neighborhood name]!
There's something that I am tired of hiding, and I wanted to give everybody a heads up so I don't catch people too off guard. Starting in about a week I'm going to stop covering up the boobs and feminine clothing I've been wearing when I walk around outside. I realize this is pretty blatant, but I'm still the same [my old name] you've all known, it's merely my appearance that has been changed slightly.
To answer some questions in advance, here's a small list of the why:
- Some days I feel more feminine, others I feel more masculine. That's just the way it is and I've decided to go with it.
- I do it to make myself more comfortable on the days where I feel more feminine.
- In order to make clients more comfortable, I will not wear them during my IT visits when I come to fix your computer (unless it is specified by the client as being okay).
- No, I do not plan on doing anything permanent. That would be unfair to the part of me that still feels masculine sometimes.
- Yes, it's perfectly fine to make all the bra-wearing jokes you wish while I'm around. I make them myself, and I appreciate a good joke so long as it has a light-hearted intent.
In retrospect, this would've made an excellent April Fools email because nobody would realize I'd be telling the truth, haha. Feel free to email me if you have additional questions, and I am going to wait about a week to ensure that everyone got this email before I stop hiding it.
And thank you to everyone who already knows! You've all been great, and I'm happy to have such accepting people in my neighborhood :)
-[my old name]
My email was pretty well received. There were a few neighbors who had sticks up their butts and found my breast attachments offensive, but the supportive people helped me shut them up. Once those people realized I'm not doing it for attention, or to insult women, they seemed to back off and look at me like a human being again. It's so strange how people can twist anything into a way to be offended...
By the time I was coming out as trans, I needed to send out another email to the community, so everyone would know I was changing my name and pronouns. This was that email:
Subject: My Name/Pronoun Change
Hello, [neighborhood name]!
A little over a week ago I came out as transgender on Facebook and declared my pronoun as female and my name as Josie. It occurs to me that I have forgotten to come out to the rest of [neighborhood name]!
So hi! I'm Josie. I'm trans female. I like fixing things, playing video games, being nerdy, and being fabulous ;)
I realize that name and pronoun changes can be pretty hard to get used to, especially for those who have known me for a long time. So I want to let it be known that I understand slip ups happen. I appreciate effort more than accuracy, so just the act of catching yourself, to me, makes up for the slip up.
A brief FAQ, because I'm sure there will be questions:
- Yes, I am starting hormone replacement.
- No, I have not yet come out as trans at work. But I am coming out to my boss this Monday, and it will likely be public as of next school year, rather than during the current school year. By that point my body will have made more physical changes from the hormones to make the transition a little less awkward.
- No, the name change is not legal yet. I plan to make it legal once I'm out as trans at work.
- No, I do not have plans for surgery at this time. I'm already doing hormones, so I figure I'll take this one step at a time. But being trans does not automatically mean you need to get surgery.
- Yes, I have given a great deal of long-term thought over the past 6 years to probably everything that is currently entering your minds as you read this.
- Yes, I'm pretty excited for these changes. I also acknowledge a fear surrounding such a large change, but with any kind of change of this magnitude, there's bound to be fear in there somewhere.
- Yes, you may ask me questions about this, as long as they are questions that are asked from a place of learning rather than a place of judgement.
I'm proud of how many unique people in this neighborhood are comfortable being who they are. It's because of that that I am able to type this email in confidence that I live in a pretty accepting and fantastic place with awesome neighbors!
Please do not go to my mother to ask questions about me. She's not the one coming out as trans, I am.
Questions about things she's still figuring out herself is not something she needs right now.
-Josie
Considering the neighborhood had already seen me dressed as female more often than not at this point, my email was pretty well received, and I think everyone was pretty much expecting it. The only thing I had to deal with was repeating questions, which ultimately led to the creation of this blog. I got a bit tired of answering the same questions over and over and decided I'd just write the experience down and send them a link.
Some people just want to live their lives and not have to answer questions about their identity all the time. But it doesn't bother me, as long as the questions are coming from a place of genuine curiosity and not from a place of judgement. I answer people's questions, but I try to make sure to add that not all trans people would want to be this open. People shouldn't jump in and ask other trans people personal questions unless told that it's okay. Asking a trans person about their transition is kind of like asking someone to recount all the dirty details of their puberty. It's kind of personal and not really any of your business. But in my case, for the sake of education, I'm letting aspects my personal life out in the open. I'm weird like that.
Coming out to my dad
Just a reminder to those who've forgotten, my parents are divorced, and I don't live with my dad, so when I see him it's when I'm visiting him. Years before coming out to him as trans, I told him, albeit awkwardly, that I sometimes wear girl clothes, without including the word "gender" in my explanation. His initial reaction was this:
"Well, that.... Doesn't... Change the fact that I love you. Actually, wait a sec... Nope, still love you."
He seemed confused, but ultimately intending to be supportive, which was a relief. There were some uncomfortable silences that probably only lasted a few seconds, but to me felt like a few minutes. The bra thing weirded him out a little, I could tell... After that conversation, I proceeded to never wear girl clothing in front of him. I was too nervous. As the years went by, I'm sure he forgot our conversation. I was still scared of him seeing me that way, especially since I didn't really know how to explain myself to answer his inevitable questions.
For a trans girl, coming out to your dad is terrifying. Your dad is the symbol of masculinity in your life, and statistically speaking, the dad is the one who's going to have a harder time understanding any of it. He's more likely to be the one outraged by it, because of his lack of understanding. It's very easy for him to screw it up and crush you with hurtful words.
When I came out to my dad a second time, this time knowing more about who I am and completely coming out as trans, I was too scared of talking to him directly. So I sent him an email. This was probably for the best anyway, because it meant he wasn't going to respond with his emotional reaction, and instead he'd have more time to mull it over before replying.
Here's the email I sent to him:
Subject: Who I Am
I have something I feel I should talk about. Do you remember that time a few years ago when I told you I wear girl clothes? I'm realizing you've been on my Facebook page at this point, so chances are you've probably seen a picture of me dressed that way at this point.
I never dressed that way in front of you because I was nervous about your reaction. It can be strange to those who haven't been exposed to this at all in their lives, especially if it involves their children. Mom certainly had an undesirable reaction when she first saw it, but she was caught by surprise without an explanation. It's a side of me I wasn't sure you would be able to accept. So I told you about it, and then I left it at that, never bringing it up again, and not even giving you the chance to see what I'm talking about. I was afraid, and I felt like having told you once was enough, and it would be okay to just let you forget. That was wrong of me.
I was referring to myself as "gender fluid" back when I first mentioned this to you, because some days I felt more masculine and other days I felt more feminine. I would dress according to how I felt, and somehow dressing the way I felt made me feel a lot more comfortable and happy. It even helped relieve a lot of my anxiety and depression issues. Eventually it even made me feel more confident.
Gradually over time I felt the need to dress female more often. The days where I felt masculine were fewer than the days where I felt feminine. I began to feel like I was wearing a costume when I wore male clothes. This made me take another look at myself to ask myself who I really am.
It has been 6 years now since I started wearing girl clothes. 6 years of asking myself so many questions I never before even thought to ask. 6 years of significant self discovery, and of learning to accept a side of myself I have kept extremely secret for as long as I can remember.
So I have a whopper of a confession for you. I am transitioning to be female. I am transgender, and I have been responding to Josephia (Josie for short) and "she/her" pronouns. Mom seems to have been in denial about this and I don't think she's really accepted it yet, even though she's seen my development for the past 5 years. I think she thought it was some kind of phase. Keeping you in the dark has been wrong, and I believe the next time I see you I should present myself as I normally do, rather than disguise myself as a guy for you.
I'm sorry I waited so long to really tell you what's going on. It's hard to talk about and I was uncertain what was happening myself, so I felt I had to wait until I had solid answers to give.
You don't have to reply immediately; by all means take your time to process this information. You can talk about it with [my dad's girlfriend's name] if that helps you process it. Just know that I'm still your child, I still have a major knack for technology, I still love you, and this is mostly just my exterior that's changing, really. You are welcome to ask questions if you want, whenever you're ready.
-Josie
And here was his reply:
Dear Josie;
I took your suggestion and took some time to respond to your email. This is not a complete surprise because, as you said, I have been checking Facebook occasionally.
First and foremost, and above all, I will always love and support you. Having said that, I know you will understand that this is going to be a process for me.
I named you, gave you your first bath, and you have been my son for almost 27 years. I don't pretend to understand this, but I'm trying to learn. I want to learn about what you're going through, and how you feel. I know it took a lot of courage for you to write this email to me. I'm glad that you were so honest with me and let me know this is who you are and it's permanent.
I know it will be awkward and uncomfortable the next few times we are together. I understand you're the same person but in a sense this will be like meeting a stranger and losing my son. Please have patience with me as we go through this transition because it's unfamiliar to me and it's huge and I am me.
You are my child. I will always love you and will do my best.
Love, Dad
This reply made my cry as I read it... My dad has been emotionally distant for most of my life, so seeing him open up his feelings toward me was very... I dunno, I can't think of a word for it.
My dad saw me next at my 27th birthday, by which time I had been on hormone treatment for 1 month, and I was presenting as completely female 100% of the time without disguises. I even wore makeup to the party. We hugged, and we talked for a bit, but he never questioned me appearance and my being trans was never actually brought up. He treated me like the same person he's always known. And that's the way it's done.
Coming out to my brother:
Back before hormone treatment, when I was still figuring out why I liked wearing bras, I came out to my various friends in different ways. First I came out to my brother and his girlfriend when I stayed overnight at their house. This happened kind of on accident. I wore my bra to their house with a loose shirt, which worked well to cover up my chest. You'd be surprised how many people didn't notice I was wearing a bra. But I didn't fully intend to stay the night, so I had nothing to really change into. In the night I took off my shirt, revealing the tank top and bra that was underneath. My brother came out of his room the following morning, and I was just waking up on the couch as he was getting up. As I got up I realized I had taken my shirt off, and I became very self-conscious. I saw my brother's eyes dart down at my chest and back to my eyes, but his expression did not change in the slightest, and he proceeded to say:
"What you want for breakfast?"
"What you want for breakfast?"
Taken by surprise at his lack of reaction, I answer his question, and his girlfriend comes out of the room and sees me as he goes to the kitchen. She sees the bra and boobs and says something along the lines of,
"Are you wearing a bra?"
I just reply something like,
"Er, yeah. It was Rae's."
And she proceeds to smile and exclaims,
"Ooh, I have some fancy sparkly stuff you should try on! Hang on, I'll go get it."
"Are you wearing a bra?"
"Er, yeah. It was Rae's."
"Ooh, I have some fancy sparkly stuff you should try on! Hang on, I'll go get it."
My brother, to this day, has never asked me a single question about my gender, and has never shown any form of emotional expression reaction from my physical change, unless prompted to by me pointing directly to my homegrown cleavage. Honestly, its rather odd, but also kind of refreshing. It just felt like blind matter-of-fact acceptance, and I wish more people in the world were like that. I'm just surprised that, over the course of 7 years now, he hasn't had any questions at all. The only issue with him has been his occasional slipping up on my pronouns after I changed them.
Coming out to a close male friend:
Coming out to a close male friend:
I came out as gender fluid to one of my closest friends and his family by showing up at their house wearing a tight shirt and bra. He wasn't home yet, but was expected any moment. My friend's dad noticed first, did a slow moving double-take, and stated while smiling,
"I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut."
His mom clearly noticed, but said nothing while clearly forming questions in her head, probably trying to figure out the least offensive way to ask me why I had boobs. We had a nice visit in the meantime, regardless. When my friend showed up, his reaction was to look at me for a moment, give me his signature smile, and say
"Nice rack."
I think I heard his mom in the kitchen almost do a spit take as that was being said. I explained how I was questioning my identity and everything, and once I started openly talking about it, everyone listened and was very supportive. None of them knew what they were doing in their attempts to be supportive, but I didn't know anything either, so we were all in the same boat.
When I came out to them as trans, I'm pretty sure they all totally saw it coming. It has taken them some getting used to using my new name and pronoun, but they have all been wonderfully supportive. The nature of my friendship with this friend has changed a little, but I think it's no less than it was before. And I think the good times we've had since I came out have been better for it, especially now that he's had time to process the concept of me being a girl.
"I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut."
"Nice rack."
When I came out to them as trans, I'm pretty sure they all totally saw it coming. It has taken them some getting used to using my new name and pronoun, but they have all been wonderfully supportive. The nature of my friendship with this friend has changed a little, but I think it's no less than it was before. And I think the good times we've had since I came out have been better for it, especially now that he's had time to process the concept of me being a girl.
Coming out to close female friend
I came out as gender fluid to another close friend one day as I was giving her and Rae a ride somewhere. I wore my bra into the car and waited until she noticed.
She never noticed...
Rae and I eventually started to mumble about how we were surprised she didn't notice yet, and then she asked what we were talking about. Rae blurted out:
"[My old name] is wearing a bra! You really don't see it? The seat belt clearly shows he's got boobs!"
She never noticed...
Rae and I eventually started to mumble about how we were surprised she didn't notice yet, and then she asked what we were talking about. Rae blurted out:
"[My old name] is wearing a bra! You really don't see it? The seat belt clearly shows he's got boobs!"
I just burst out laughing as my friend looks over at me and sees what we're talking about. She looks at my chest, up at my face, glances again at my chest, and looks back out the windshield with a big supportive smile saying,
"I love you."
That pretty much summed up her whole reaction. She's been wonderfully supportive and nonjudgmental every step of the way. I suspect it helped that she had LGBTQ friends, and was part of that community herself.
Coming out to a close non-binary friend
Coming out to a close non-binary friend
Another of my close friends at the time declared that they wanted people to use they/them pronouns, which was an entirely new world to me. But I tried my best to respect their wishes, even if I didn't understand them, and didn't get any kind of explanation.
I came out as gender fluid to this friend over text and they replied,
"It's about time!"
I came out as gender fluid to this friend over text and they replied,
"It's about time!"
Needless to say, this friend has been 100% supportive. Having seen that I wasn't cisgender from the beginning, they actually thought of me as being female long before I knew it myself.
I think that's about all the significant coming out stories I've got, not counting the workplace. But I'm saving that for another post... I apologize to those friends not listed here, but the rest of you just didn't make a funny enough story for me to tell, what with your blanket awesomeness and blatant acceptance. How dare you all be so nonchalant about it ;)
I think that some of my experiences with coming out could have gone much worse had I not approached it from a place of understanding and patience. I fully expected some of these experiences to not go as well as they did, particularly the ones with my parents. And they would have gone far worse had I not had the patience to endure my mother's behaviour, and had I not told my dad to wait a while to process his feelings before responding.
If I took their reactions at face value and responded with frustration and anger, it would just make them more frustrated and angry. I couldn't expect them to know exactly what to do, or even what the right reaction is. I can't expect them to get my pronouns and name correct 100% of the time immediately after our conversation any more than I could expect one of my students to get the material right on the homework after only being told the material once with not so much as a handout.
They've never been through this, and they had no idea what it meant, felt like, or in my dad's case, even what it looked like. I had time to think it over, but it hit them all at once like a truck. Our mainstream TV media doesn't tell people how to properly respond to these kinds of situations, and my parents had never knowingly seen a trans person before, let alone spoken to one. Zero exposure means not knowing anything about it, and people are afraid of what they don't know. Fear is often met with anger and frustration.
It sucks. It's just one more issue in which the trans person has to be the bigger person. But one of us had to be the bigger person, and I was the only one among us who knew how to be the bigger person in this context. Therefore, I needed to have patience, and I needed to expect them to screw up, because they had no idea what they were doing. It's whether they continue to regularly screw up months after coming out... That's what determines if we have a problem. I always tell them that correcting themselves when using the wrong pronoun makes up for the slip-up, because it shows that an effort is being made. If I see no effort being made, it creates a rift between us, slowly destroying our relationship.
I guess that's all the advice I really have on that subject... Where it goes from there is up to them, because if you've been patient and understanding with them, you've kind of done all you can. It's their responsibility from there to approach the situation from a place of love. They might need reminding of that. Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, there is no guaranteed way to get acceptance from these situations... I wish there was. I deeply wish that people could find it in their hearts to love their children unconditionally.
I fully realize how lucky I am that so many of my friends and family have been so supportive of me. I try not to take any of this for granted... It's hard to remember sometimes how lucky I am.
This is a reminder that anything I say on this subject comes from a place of privilege. I have not had to endure the experience of being kicked out of my house, or disowned by my family. I also recognize that everything I've ever said on my blog comes from another place of privilege, due to my being white. I know nothing about what this experience must be like for trans women of color, and I don't think there's any way I can know that experience. I don't pretend to fully understand what it must be like. People of color speaking about their personal experiences with trans issues, racism, or whatever, should be wholly listened to. It's not up to me to decide what this experience is like for them.
My advice about coming out...
I think that some of my experiences with coming out could have gone much worse had I not approached it from a place of understanding and patience. I fully expected some of these experiences to not go as well as they did, particularly the ones with my parents. And they would have gone far worse had I not had the patience to endure my mother's behaviour, and had I not told my dad to wait a while to process his feelings before responding.
If I took their reactions at face value and responded with frustration and anger, it would just make them more frustrated and angry. I couldn't expect them to know exactly what to do, or even what the right reaction is. I can't expect them to get my pronouns and name correct 100% of the time immediately after our conversation any more than I could expect one of my students to get the material right on the homework after only being told the material once with not so much as a handout.
They've never been through this, and they had no idea what it meant, felt like, or in my dad's case, even what it looked like. I had time to think it over, but it hit them all at once like a truck. Our mainstream TV media doesn't tell people how to properly respond to these kinds of situations, and my parents had never knowingly seen a trans person before, let alone spoken to one. Zero exposure means not knowing anything about it, and people are afraid of what they don't know. Fear is often met with anger and frustration.
It sucks. It's just one more issue in which the trans person has to be the bigger person. But one of us had to be the bigger person, and I was the only one among us who knew how to be the bigger person in this context. Therefore, I needed to have patience, and I needed to expect them to screw up, because they had no idea what they were doing. It's whether they continue to regularly screw up months after coming out... That's what determines if we have a problem. I always tell them that correcting themselves when using the wrong pronoun makes up for the slip-up, because it shows that an effort is being made. If I see no effort being made, it creates a rift between us, slowly destroying our relationship.
I guess that's all the advice I really have on that subject... Where it goes from there is up to them, because if you've been patient and understanding with them, you've kind of done all you can. It's their responsibility from there to approach the situation from a place of love. They might need reminding of that. Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, there is no guaranteed way to get acceptance from these situations... I wish there was. I deeply wish that people could find it in their hearts to love their children unconditionally.
Privilege check:
I fully realize how lucky I am that so many of my friends and family have been so supportive of me. I try not to take any of this for granted... It's hard to remember sometimes how lucky I am.
This is a reminder that anything I say on this subject comes from a place of privilege. I have not had to endure the experience of being kicked out of my house, or disowned by my family. I also recognize that everything I've ever said on my blog comes from another place of privilege, due to my being white. I know nothing about what this experience must be like for trans women of color, and I don't think there's any way I can know that experience. I don't pretend to fully understand what it must be like. People of color speaking about their personal experiences with trans issues, racism, or whatever, should be wholly listened to. It's not up to me to decide what this experience is like for them.
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