Companionship Thoughts

People say that children don't become lonely for a romantic partner or physically attracted to other people until they start hitting puberty. I am living proof that this is not always the case, as the earliest memory I have of longing for a partner was at approximately the age of 4, and there's no way I was hitting puberty that early in life.

Now whether my longing for a partner has something to do with my parents' divorce I cannot say. It might also have something to do with the chemical imbalance I have in my brain, which would make sense because my father once told me that he was the same way. 

I cannot remember a time where I would have refused having a partner. I actually remember a time before my parents divorced, I was at the house of some friends of my parents, and they had a bunch of kids. I was playing with their daughters in particular, and I have a vague memory of rolling on the floor with one of them in a blanket, and I secretly wanted, very badly, to kiss her, but I was too shy, and we ended up having to leave too soon. Being that this was before my parents divorced, I had to have been younger than 5 years old.

I have always felt as though no matter what age I've been, I have never been however old I was physically. With the exception of when I was 3, I have felt as though some part of me has already lived through many, many lives. I have this feeling like I have had so much experience living out so many lives, but I have no memory of those lives, so I cannot utilize that experience in this one. I feel old and tired. I have had too many lives, and all I want to do with this last one is find love and settle down. I want to pass my memories and experience onto someone else, and share whatever wisdom I might have.

I feel like I've experienced too much. I feel like too many of my previous lives have been lonely. I feel that my need for a special companion starting at such a young age is a sign of this loneliness my soul has been feeling for so many years.

I don't understand the games people play on this subject, toying with other people's emotions for their own short-term personal gain. I don't understand people who don't become attached. I don't understand people who treat their companions badly. I don't understand how some people can betray trust as they do. There is so much hate in the world today. So many people who don't stop and think about other people. So few simple acts of random kindness.

With the combination of how much distrust and hate there is in the world and my depression and isolated early upbringing, it makes it very difficult to find someone. Every time I find someone and it doesn't work out, it shaves more and more off of my resolve to continue trying. But I'm still here trying, as hard as it has become. And along the way I hope that even if I don't achieve my goal of happiness, I might make other people happier, or otherwise make a positive impact on their lives.

[Update from 2017: Since this post I have found many companions, and I have had a massive amount of personal growth. So don't feel sorry for me; I'm doing great now.]