This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.
Biological Content Material!
Biological Content Material!
I talk about body parts and their functions in this post. If you don't want to hear about this stuff in detail, especially within the context of my body, you best not read ahead.
Trigger Warning:
I describe what it is like for me to have a panic attack in this post. If you suffer from PTSD, please practice self care.
Trigger Warning:
I describe what it is like for me to have a panic attack in this post. If you suffer from PTSD, please practice self care.
Month 12 - March
I've officially reached my first year on hormone treatment!
Unfortunately, near the end of last month my spironolactone (testosterone blocker) dosage was decreased to 100mg per day, down from 200mg per day. This was because of some concerns with dizziness and low blood pressure. I say unfortunately because the result of my dosage being lowered was that aspects of my transition began to reverse.
The first change I noticed that hinted to higher testosterone was an emotional one. In my Month 0 post I spoke of a little voice in the back of my head, like an annoying child in the back seat of a car. A voice that needed to be under constant surveillance. It made a warm electric wave feeling that passed over my body when I got angry, resulting in physical urges of violence that I needed to control. The removal of that voice gave me a sense of peace, serenity, quiet... That voice is coming back now. It has resulted in my saying hurtful and unhelpful things during arguments, and it's been difficult trying to control it when it gets strong enough. I'm not used to it anymore, and I want it gone.
Other changes I've noticed is that my chin hair seems thicker and scratchier than it was last month. My right armpit smells like my old body odor from before hormone treatment, but left left armpit still smells like my new body odor. So that's interesting... My erections aren't quite as painful as they were last month, and the erection isn't as strangely S-shaped either. My ejaculate has turned from a very liquidy clear fluid to a less liquidy and more sticky, slightly milky colored fluid... That basically means I'm probably not completely sterile anymore. It's starting to hurt again when I wear tight pants, so... That's distressing.
This experience of going backward is causing a lot of dysphoria, and I need it to stop. I've contacted my doctor to request that my spironolactone be increased to my previous dosage, because I have been feeling very suicidal. I would so much rather deal with low blood pressure than have to go through this... It feels like time is being wasted and hard work is being thrown away because of how this is progressing backward.
My panic attacks
I don't know if this necessarily has to do with the effects of my dosage change, because a lot has happened this month, but I had a very bad string of panic attacks. Some of the worst I've had since my mental breakdown in 2012, with one of my panic episodes lasting over 4 hours. For those who don't know what I mean when I talk about panic attacks, here is a description of what I'm talking about:
My panic attacks start out with silence and bouts of not breathing, and my whole body tensing up. During this part my mind is going too fast for me to talk or consciously move, and I'm spiraling down a path of self destruction, uncontrollably beating myself up with memories of things I did wrong, no matter how long ago they happened. Sometimes, if I'm spiraling into a panic while standing, I will attempt to respond to multiple thoughts at once, and it will look like something is tugging my body in multiple directions before I fall onto the floor, unable to get up. But usually I just deliberately sit down, lay down, or fall down, unable to get up.
If the panic is allowed to continue, and I don't manage to take a lorazepam (my emergency anxiety medication), I can begin to see hallucinations, possibly from the combination of stress and lack of oxygen. This makes me keep my eyes closed so I can't see the hallucinations. At this point I'll be whimpering, squirming around, and uncontrollably clawing at myself in an attempt to rip myself apart. Then I go from not breathing enough to breathing too much, and this is where I my memory gets really fuzzy. What little I remember from these events, and what people have told me, is that I'll start to say various terrified reactions like "no" and "please stop." That probably comes from my PTSD around various things I've experienced in life.
These panic attacks can be as short as 10 minutes, and as long as 9 hours. During the string of panics I had this month, I had 4 over a period of 3 days. It took me 5 days to physically recover from the strain it put on my heart, lungs, and all my body muscles.
When I say "I have panic attacks," I don't think people understand what that really means. Even describing it like this, I don't think anyone could truly understand what these are like unless they see it for themselves. But I try to hide these from people. They tend to get worse when other people see them.
Just to clarify, I've been having panic attacks like these for a very long time. These are not new, and the earliest memory I have of having one is around age 7. This is only coming up because lately I feel like I've started having them more often, since my spironolactone dosage was halved.
So anyway... I'm hoping to get that spironolactone dosage situation taken care of soon.
Hormonally speaking, I'm a teenage teacher
How weird is it to be at the same state of hormonal puberty as the teenagers I teach? Going through the same emotional turmoil, but having to be in the teacher's position of responsibility? It's quite an experience... I'm not going to lie, seeing how quickly some of the girls developed compared to me has brought up some feelings of jealousy. Just as any other late blooming teenage girl would feel... But I never talk about that; I'm professional, and I know to maintain boundaries.
Being in a state of hormonal flux, dealing with both testosterone and estrogen, I identify with all of what my students are going through, female and male. Some of them ask me for advice on dealing with hormonal mood swings and other puberty stuff, and all I can think to tell them is that it sucks, and we all come up with our own methods of coping... I just try to take a deep breath and acknowledge the feelings that are happening, but take a step back and just watch the feelings go by rather than letting them pull me along into the drama.
Gender, romance, and sex
I consider gender, romantic attraction, and sexual attraction to be different things that are not mutually exclusive. One can be sexually attracted to someone without romantic attraction, and regardless of gender. The opposite can also be true, and any combination in between.
Sexual attraction should not be a choice between one or the other, straight or gay, penis or vagina. We are programmed to think there are only two options, and that they're all the same. But they're not.
No two penises are the same. No two vaginas are the same. A female penis is not even necessarily the same as a male penis. Nor is a male vagina the same as a female one. It's so much more nuanced than that, and sexuality should be just as nuanced, to match how our biology is not binary.
Are you sexually attracted to the gender or the reproductive body part? Are you romantically attracted to the gender, or the reproductive body part? After a date with a trans person you really hit it off with, do you have romantic attraction, but not sexual attraction, because of what's in their pants? What about the other way around? Chasers tend to fetishize trans people, but not stick around with romantic attraction. Are you only interested in someone because the puzzle pieces fit the way you're told they're supposed to? Or is there a deeper connection that could go potentially beyond that?
There's so much to be explored in discovering the answers to these questions. Sticking with one thing and being unwilling to experiment just seems so boring! It's like sticking with vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life. Try adding some M&Ms, rainbow sprinkles, caramel, marshmallows... The experience is worth a try. You never know unless you try, and it might grow on you. But I'm pansexual, so I'm pretty biased.
Female hormone patterns
I had some people ask me questions about how I know when I'm PMSing, and how I manage my estradiol patch dosages. I explained that there are average ranges of different phases of women's cycles. Estrogen would be higher during ovulation and lower during the luteal phase. So here's what I worked out with my doctor, in order to make my blood tests more accurate:
According to the data on my period tracker, I have a fairly consistent cycle. So I get my blood tested as close to between the ovulation and luteal phases as possible. I apply one patch on Sundays and two patches on Wednesdays. By making the ovulation peak higher with alternating patches, it seems to make the lows dip into the correct average range for the luteal phase. It all just kind of falls into place, so when I'm blood tested at certain times of the month, I should be within the average range of where a cis female would be at that time in her cycle.
Hormones aren't something that sit at one level all the time, they're always changing around. So an idea I came up with is to help the hormones along with what they want to naturally do by adding an extra patch for the ovulation phase, and removing that extra patch for the luteal phase. My doctor seems to agree with my logic, but for now I'm just on alternating patches twice a week.
Worrying about men's intentions...
On a rather different and darker note, until this month, I don't think I had truly grasped the concept of what it means to be looked at as someone that people want to have sex with, and the depth of what that means. Before my transition, it felt like I never had to worry about the general public looking at me that way. I never had to worry about the implications of what it might mean to be looked at as an object of desire.
But now... Now I have to worry about the fact that others might want my body; that others might try to pursue me sexually. That others might see me as something they want to do things to... I'm not the pursuer anymore. I'm the pursued.
Now I have to worry about what's happening in my sleep at sleepovers, and other situations in which I lose control of my body or judgement.
Because of something that happened this month, I am giving up alcohol, and I probably won't participate in another sleepover for a very long time. I will never allow such a situation to happen again... It will either be 100% consensual on both sides, or it will not happen at all. I feel so disturbed and confused by that night... Men behave differently toward me now, and I need to remember that, for my own safety.
This is how women feel all the time. This is the reality that women have to deal with, that many men don't acknowledge. It's so sad that nothing has truly been done about this after all this time, and it doesn't look like anything will change this sociological behaviour anytime soon.
Left side without makeup; right side with makeup. I officially have prescription glasses now!
