Companionship Thoughts

People say that children don't become lonely for a romantic partner or physically attracted to other people until they start hitting puberty. I am living proof that this is not always the case, as the earliest memory I have of longing for a partner was at approximately the age of 4, and there's no way I was hitting puberty that early in life.

Now whether my longing for a partner has something to do with my parents' divorce I cannot say. It might also have something to do with the chemical imbalance I have in my brain, which would make sense because my father once told me that he was the same way. 

I cannot remember a time where I would have refused having a partner. I actually remember a time before my parents divorced, I was at the house of some friends of my parents, and they had a bunch of kids. I was playing with their daughters in particular, and I have a vague memory of rolling on the floor with one of them in a blanket, and I secretly wanted, very badly, to kiss her, but I was too shy, and we ended up having to leave too soon. Being that this was before my parents divorced, I had to have been younger than 5 years old.

I have always felt as though no matter what age I've been, I have never been however old I was physically. With the exception of when I was 3, I have felt as though some part of me has already lived through many, many lives. I have this feeling like I have had so much experience living out so many lives, but I have no memory of those lives, so I cannot utilize that experience in this one. I feel old and tired. I have had too many lives, and all I want to do with this last one is find love and settle down. I want to pass my memories and experience onto someone else, and share whatever wisdom I might have.

I feel like I've experienced too much. I feel like too many of my previous lives have been lonely. I feel that my need for a special companion starting at such a young age is a sign of this loneliness my soul has been feeling for so many years.

I don't understand the games people play on this subject, toying with other people's emotions for their own short-term personal gain. I don't understand people who don't become attached. I don't understand people who treat their companions badly. I don't understand how some people can betray trust as they do. There is so much hate in the world today. So many people who don't stop and think about other people. So few simple acts of random kindness.

With the combination of how much distrust and hate there is in the world and my depression and isolated early upbringing, it makes it very difficult to find someone. Every time I find someone and it doesn't work out, it shaves more and more off of my resolve to continue trying. But I'm still here trying, as hard as it has become. And along the way I hope that even if I don't achieve my goal of happiness, I might make other people happier, or otherwise make a positive impact on their lives.

[Update from 2017: Since this post I have found many companions, and I have had a massive amount of personal growth. So don't feel sorry for me; I'm doing great now.]

Cancer vs Kittens

I just saw a picture of a child with cancer on Facebook.

The top caption said:

"I have cancer & I'm fighting."

The bottom caption said:

"1 like = 1 salute <3

1 share = 100 salutes <3"

(Example picture below. Original picture taken down from source.)

I generally don't like to clutter up my Facebook page by sharing stuff that my friends will find uncomfortable, or by sharing things that aren't funny, thought provoking, or otherwise uplifting. So instead of "liking" or "sharing" this picture, I did what probably so few people would do. I saluted the picture itself and said a few words out of respect. Rather than glancing by and clicking a button while distractedly scrolling the page, I stopped and wished the child well, commending his struggle. Chances are this child doesn't know his picture is being shared on Facebook, and chances are the person sharing this picture has no intention of letting the child know how many people are supporting him with "likes" and "shares." But I thought I'd say something anyway, which feels more meaningful than a "like" or a "share."

What is the meaning behind clicking the "like" button on a post like that? Does clicking it signify that you truly feel empathy for the child, or are you clicking it simply because you want to satisfy that part inside yourself that said you should click "like" or "share" after reading the bottom caption? Or better yet, are you clicking "like" or "share" because you want other people on your friends list to see what kind of person you are?

Just below that picture of the child with cancer I see a picture of what appears to be a baby cheetah.
(Example picture below. Original picture taken down from source.)

"Like = cute"

"Ignore = ugly :("

I think this helps to demonstrate my point a little more clearly. Honestly, I find this picture pretty adorable. But I ignored the captioning. Why? Because I don't want to clutter my Facebook page with another one of the thousands of random kitten pictures.

The only real goal I see in showing us what ignoring this picture would signify is to make more people feel obligated to click "like." The more "likes" this picture has, the happier the person who posted it becomes, because the number of "likes" reflects their popularity, right?

So if you really think about this, what's truly in it for you if you click "like"? The peace of mind that your friends don't think you find this kitten ugly? Your friends likely wouldn't even notice that you ignored it, being that ignoring something wouldn't notify them. If you clicked "like," does that mean you like the picture enough to save it? And if not, then why not? 

And what's in this for the kitten? Probably the same amount that's in this for the child in the previous picture, except that the child might be able to find and see his picture online. Personally, I'd feel a little weird about seeing a picture of me in a hospital bed spread through the internet without my consent; though the intent of support represented by the numbers of "likes" and "shares" would be kind of uplifting for a minute or two. I don't think impersonal numbers mean much to children with real health problems though.

There are, as of this moment, 1,098,041 people subscribed to the Facebook page that posted both of these pictures. Being that so few of those million viewers actually interact with the page in any way, I'm just going to take a wild guess and say that about 80% of those people only subscribed to this page because of its name: "I randomly walk up to my fridge, open it, look, and walk away."

Now here's an interesting observation... Can you guess which of these pictures has more "likes"?

Simply because I asked that question, you probably guessed the kitten. And if that is the case, you are correct. The kitten has 10,087 "likes" and the cancer child has 4,894. These results are surely caused by the fact that if you ignore the kitten, then you obviously find it ugly. But if you ignore the child with cancer, then no harm done, right?

I have news for you Facebook users out there. If you ignore posts that aren't a request/cry for help from a real person in real life, then chances are good that no harm will be done.

The cancer child does, however, have more than twice the number of shares. And that is probably because the kitten doesn't have a "Share = absolutely adorable <333" caption added onto it.

So what I'm seeing here is a direct crossover from those annoying chain letters we used to get in our mailboxes and email inboxes. "Pass this letter on to 10 people = success in your life. Ignore = death." And apparently it still works. The thought that so many people probably clicked "like" simply because they're easily manipulated sheep makes me sad. However, I could be wrong, and it is possible, though extremely unlikely, that every one of those 10,087 people clicked "like" for reasons other than proving that they don't find that kitten ugly.

My point in this rant is to demonstrate how many people don't think, and they simply do as they're told. Please, do not be one of these people - these sheep who only react. You have a brain, and that brain is an amazing tool. Use it to the best of its ability, and keep a watchful eye for marketers and other manipulative sources who would subtly steal and change your thoughts. The more often you let them manipulate your thoughts, the easier it will be for them to continue to do so successfully.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go "like" this picture about a man who has a date with his bed.

[Edited to add new images, since originals were taken down from source]

Ice Cream!

Another misc project I did for one of my college classes:

Bonus Stage

Bonus Stage is the only Flash series I know of (and like) that has over 80 episodes, and some episodes that are actually ~15 minute specials. From what I've seen, usually Flash webtoons are short, and their creators tend to either get bored with the series or busy with life before they get anywhere near 80 episodes. I believe Bonus Stage started on keentoons.com, though I could be mistaken.

It is a strange series with little details here and there that make it interesting. I'll see what I can do to summarize it. Bonus Stage is based on a world created by a brilliant inventor, whose goal was to create the greatest webtoon of all time by using three of his friends as guinea pigs in a virtual simulation of the entire planet. 

-Joel (on the left) is supposedly the genius who created the world. Though hyper-intelligent with technology, he is actually an insane numb-nuts who makes little sense. But his comical hijinks and sheer stupidity make him work wonders for the show's plot device.

-Phil (the middle one) is one of Joel's friends. He's an ex-superhero who, unfortunately, is stuck in Bonus Stage. He's a generally rational person, and he provides many of our comic reactions from Joel's insanity. Phil's super-powers and generally not shown, despite the repeated states of peril the group tend to end up in.

-Elly (on the right) is the girl. Phil has a crush on her, she has a crush on Joel, and apparently Joel has a girlfriend (though she's rarely shown). Love triangles aside, Elly also plays the part of Evil, one of the show's antagonists. Who would've known, huh? Cute little Elly, a maniacal chaos-thriving madwoman...

There are plenty of other characters, but at this point I think the best way to get a feel for this show is to see an episode. I recommend this one in particular - Episode 84. It was the first episode I ever watched, and it had me in stitches. Note however that since the above picture, Elly has been redrawn to have a more publically appealing chest.

More episodes can be found either on youtube or here.

John Berry's Demo Reel

Just in case you guys haven't already, you should see John Berry's animation demo reel. I want to see more of his work, so someone should hire him.

Another Termina

I have enjoyed playing the games Chrono Trigger and Chrono Cross a great deal, and in doing so I have become a fan of the video game composer Yasunori Mitsuda. Using my recently acquired Adobe Master Collection, I've been having some fun remixing songs with Adobe Audition. One of those songs being "Another Termina" from Chrono Cross. At the moment I have yet to upload my remixed version of the actual song, but I do have something potentially more interesting for you:

Funny Series

So there's a fun podcast I discovered on iTunes called Yu-gi-oh: The Abridges Series. Frankly I think when people dub anime into English they should do what these guys do and actually edit the lip syncing to go with the words rather than constrain the voice actors in such a way that makes them sound rehearsed. But I digress again...


Funny show. I suggest you try it. This episode in particular made me laugh harder than I've laughed in quite some time: