I'm thinking about the recovery, the struggles I'll experience, the waiting to heal, the relearning to pee, the pain of sitting down wrong, the dietary changes, the permanent intestinal changes, the dilations... Yeah, it's scary. But overall, I'd say I'm far more excited than scared.
It's funny. You'd think that that's what I'd be thinking about the most. Being nervous about the operation and recovery and sex life stuff, etc. But it's like I've already processed most of that. I've had over 2 years to think about that. Instead I find myself dwelling on something entirely different...
My voice...
My voice still very much outs me. It is not very subtle, especially when you can't see me in person. My appearance helps, but over the phone? Nope, I get misgendered 100% of the time, unless they are told that I am a woman, or otherwise corrected. Not a single time has a stranger assumed I was female on the phone. Not once. And that isn't likely to change anytime soon. The US seems to have little interest in medical science for this department. We seem to be far more focused on - obsessed with - genitalia when it comes to gender. Voice plays such a large part in transgender women's lives... It is honestly one of the hardest things I have to cope with in my daily life. I'm convinced that my voice is one of the most consistent reasons I get misgendered.
I know my friends are going to disagree with me and say that my voice sounds fine. And maybe it does to them. Maybe they're used to it now. They got to see me through my entire transition as everything slowly changed, and so I guess it seems to them that my voice just matches what I am. But again, they practically never talk to me on the phone, because I avoid the phone for this reason. I text everybody instead. Otherwise they just see me in person, and my appearance just gives creates an illusion that makes my voice seem more feminine, even though it's really not. But I know that they would never tell me this because they know how sensitive a subject it is for me.
And there's not much I can really do about it. Voice therapy has only gotten me so far. I'll continue trying, but I think it's kind of a lost cause at this point. After a certain amount of voice therapy with limited results I get to start considering a surgery for my vocal chords, which is extremely risky, and could result in my losing my voice altogether. So someday I'm going to be faced with the decision of whether I would like to have no voice at all more than sticking with the voice I have now.
So I guess ultimately what I am pondering is how I will soon have the correct body. I will be unmistakably assumed female, even when I'm completely nude at a spa. But despite all of the struggle to get here, my voice is still a problem. And I guess what scares me is that I am honestly questioning whether I even want a voice at all if it's going to sound like this for the rest of my life.
I want my old voice back. The one I had before my first puberty ruined it. The one that made people call me a girl, even before I had boobs.
Maybe in the time it takes for me to recover from my bottom surgery there will be some advancements in medical science. Maybe transgender people being in the news spotlight will actually help some development in this field within the United States, so I won't have to go to South Korea to get the voice I should naturally have.
I guess we'll see what happens. All I can do right now is try not to let these thoughts dampen my spirits. I'll just try to focus on the fact that I will never have to tuck again, and that soon, walking past the underwear sections in grocery stores is no longer going to upset me.
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