My Transition - The Big Surgery Part 3

Biological Content Material!

This is literally a post where I talk about what's going to happen to my genitals. If you don't want to hear about this stuff, you best not read ahead.

My surgery is in two days. As I get closer and closer to the day of the surgery, I find myself contemplating many things, and I am becoming very nervous.

I'm nervous that we might not make it over the mountain pass on our way to Spokane. I'm nervous that I'm going to do something wrong in the days leading up to my surgery, and that they're going to have to cancel or delay it. I'm nervous that I'm going to run into logistics issues, and that they're not going to include the tracheal shave at the same time. I'm nervous that insurance is going to let me down and stick me with a hopeless amount of debt. I'm nervous about the IV, because I hate IVs. I'm nervous about the anesthesia, because being put out is a scary concept.

But I'm finding that not only am I nervous about these things, I'm also nervous about the surgery itself. There's a voice in the back of my head asking, "What are you getting yourself into?" I find myself contemplating what could go wrong, and if going through with this is worth it. I find myself thinking, what if something horrible went wrong and I didn't wake up? I finally love myself, I'm finally happy with my life, for the most part. I don't want to lose that. Is this surgery worth risking my life over?

Why am I going over this again? I already came to the conclusion that it is worth the risk. I fought for over two years to make this happen. I clearly want it, I know I want it. I'm so certain that when this is all over I'm going to be ecstatic.

This feeling I have is so similar to the way I felt when I was starting hormone replacement therapy, except that this surgery is going to involve a lot of pain and recovery, and hormone therapy didn't really require any of that. Well, except for the breast pain, I suppose. But I doubt that will compare.

If it does compare, you know I'll be describing that in my post-op blog post...

This almost feels like having to come out to myself again. It's like having to build up my resolve, to remind myself that it's okay to have doubts. People who are happy with having a penis typically don't complain about their bulge constantly. They typically don't tuck it every day. Not having to tuck my genitals and not having to worry about how flat the area is will be incredible... Not having that on my mind ever again... Because it always is. It's always there in the back of my head, that worry that someone is going to see bulge and use that as an excuse to treat me like garbage.

It's not just about other people though. For the most part people will still treat me that way. They'll probably see bulge simply because they're looking for it, whether it's there or not. Those people will always treat me like garbage, and I can't expect that to change from this surgery.

No, this is for me. This is about me. This is something I want. I don't want the option of peeing standing up. I want to have to wipe my front every time I pee. I don't want to ever feel an erection again unless it's someone else's. I want to be able to feel comfortable in yoga pants. I want to have a clitoris. I want a vulva. I want everything that comes with having those body parts, for myself, not for the satisfaction of other people.

Although it would be pretty self-satisfying to use my vulva as ammunition against people who claim I'm not a woman, that is not the reason I am willing to take this risk. I am taking this risk because I want this. Having this will make me happy, even when I am by myself and other people aren't a factor whatsoever. This would make me happy even if I weren't in a relationship. This would make me happy even if I had no friends, and even if everyone in the world had no idea I was trans. This is going to feel right, and I will probably look back at how nervous I am right now and laugh at how cute it was that I ever doubted myself.

Doubts are okay. Doubts are a normal reaction to anything scary. This is scary, and that's okay. I knew it was going to be. Being scared doesn't mean this is the wrong decision. I'm scared because I love myself, and I know what I'm about to put myself through. But I'm also entering into this decision because I love myself.

Well anyway, I think that about sums up my pre-surgery thoughts. I will try to document as much of the actual experience as I can. Next up will be the pre-op appointment and surgery aftermath.