*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 7

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

There are a few references to my sexual body parts in this post. If you don't want to learn some detailed information about my body, you best not read ahead.

Month 7 - October

I started to notice hairs around my nipples were much more thin and soft. They might be practically gone from casual sight within the next few months! I know cis women have hairs in that area, but it's not about that fact that the hairs are there so much as how thick and dark they are. And mine are losing their pigment and getting thinner!

My pickle cravings turned into a nighttime ritual. I craved them so often that they turned into a typical nighttime snack, and I'd eat two or three while watching TV before bed. My obsession with lemons lowered a bit, in favor of grapefruits. I freaking love grapefruit. So now I'm mixing lemon juice and grapefruit together with sparkling water as a typical drink. But the weirdest and most PMS craving I may have had yet was when I poured grapefruit juice into a bowl of pickles, combining it with pickle juice. I ate that with a chicken sausage gumbo in which I poured an excessive amount of sherry vinegar. My body must be craving this stuff for a reason... Right? =/

I requested the results from my very first blood test, from before I started on hormones, since I never actually got to see them before. My testosterone was 550 ng/dL and my estrogen was 24.3 pg/mL. The average testosterone for males of my height and weight is around 772 ng/dL. So I was lower than average, but still within normal range, and not considered a significant imbalance. The average estrogen for males of my height and build is about 25 pg/mL. So I was just shy of the average on that. 

I guess I was pretty darn ordinary. But then I started hormone treatment and within 2 months my estrogen went from 24 to 144, and my testosterone went from 550 to 13. And now, my most recent blood test showed my levels at 448 estrogen and 24 testosterone. It's like they swapped places!

My breasts continue to shape up and develop, with increased jiggle as I go up and down the stairs. It no longer hurts to go braless, so I've been taking off my bra when I get home every day. Sometimes when they're feeling particularly sore, I have had to hold them in place so they don't bounce painfully when I'm going up and down stairs. I'm still filling out an A cup, so they're not really very big, but the bouncing can still be painful on a bad day.

I'm starting to notice my facial hair becoming softer and lighter than before. It's still all I can see when I look at my face in a mirror, but I can tell that progress is being made. My face is certainly more feminine, but I am still pretty self conscious of it when I'm not in makeup.

Despite everything, I decided against face feminization surgery. At the very least, I decided I needed to wait out the whole hormone process for at a year before making up my mind about that. Clearly my face was changing, and I might not even see myself the same way by the time I've gotten to the one year mark.

The mere fact I had doubts about it meant I had to reset my "counter." Because in order for me to make a decision of that magnitude, I need to consistently have the resolve to answer yes to wanting it for 6 months straight. I need to not have doubts about it, because there's no turning back.

Remember back in Month 1 when I said my depression had disappeared? Well, unfortunately, I declare that my depression has officially returned. The euphoria of having started my transition has faded, and things have settled down. I've started acting a little more "normal" and stopped obsessing about my boobs to my friends so much. 

My depression returned, but the feeling of loving myself still lingers. Despite my depression, I don't yell at myself, and I don't put myself down so much. Instead, I tell myself to take care of myself, I ask myself what's wrong and what I could do to help, and I just let myself cry when I need to. The depression tends to get worse during my cycle, of course, but it's hard to tell when my cycle truly begins and ends, since I don't bleed. So I'm going off of all the other signs, which are harder to reliably identify.

My underlying anxiety disorder never really changed throughout my transition, but I did develop more skills to fight it off. My depression returned at this point, but again, since I learned to love myself more, I'd developed more skills to work with myself through my issues.

It occurred to me that I used to, before my transition, constantly have trouble identifying what emotion I was feeling when I was upset. But now, at this point in my transition, I don't have that problem. I can name my emotions and identify them with more ease now. I cannot necessarily tell you why I'm feeling them, but I can tell you what it is I'm feeling, in what combination. I think people who don't have issues identifying the difference between fear, sadness, and anger don't understand how good they have it. Don't ever take that ability for granted. You may be sad, but at least you know that sadness is what you're feeling. It's so frustrating when you feel some crappy emotion that has you down, but can't identify what it is.

I don't entirely know if this is related to my transition, but I also started to notice that my fingernails were thinner and sharper than they used to be. I had been scratching myself with them on accident while itching my face, without realizing it, and they break more easily than before. I have what looks like a cat scratch on my thigh - three thin claw-like marks. It was from itching my thigh after shaving! It left a small scar! What's up with that?!

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• So you know that thing where you put your heels and back up against a wall and lean forward? Supposedly, men can't do it without falling over, but women can. I used to fall forward. Now I don't. I can bend to a 90 degree angle from the wall ;D
• Oh, yesterday was national coming out day, or something. Pretty sure you all know I'm trans by now. I'm also pansexual. If you don't know what that is, basically it means I'll sleep with whomever I'm attracted to, regardless of binary or non-binary gender. So... Yeah.
• [At a friend's] party tonight I wasn't misgendered once, and there were hugs, and good conversation, and everyone just got messed up and had lots of fun together... I love how comfortable I feel around my friends! And I love that I feel just as comfortable around their friends too. Thank you everybody! I needed that ^_^
• Waiting for Lake Washington Institute of Technology to send me a new diploma with my changed name. But I can officially hang my college accolades up by my bed again! Got my name changed on the honor society certificate, and I Photoshopped the president's list letter I got in 2010 :P

This is when I really started seeing my natural face appear more feminine. Left side without makeup, right side with. I look feminine in both! And my freckles became more pronounced :)

You can view the Month 8 post by clicking here. >>>