*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 6

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sexual Content Warning!

If you don't want to learn details about my sex life and/or body parts, you best not proceed any further. This post will reference my sex life and reproductive body parts, and their functionality.

Trigger warning for dysphoria: paragraphs 6, 7, 8, and especially 9 and 10, contain potentially dysphoria-inducing content.

Month 6 - September

Since the next school year was beginning during this month, I began to realize that my depression had faded a great deal amidst my gender euphoria, but my anxiety was still pretty much the same as ever. I had a lot of "teenage girl" moments during this month, with emotional explosions and drama. I yelled and exploded during situations that probably didn't warrant it... I got into various fights with my mother regarding the way we communicate, and the methods probably weren't the best in the world, but I think it's made us stronger for it, and I think we're doing better than we were. 

Controlling my emotional state when I'm under stress is somewhat different now, and because I'm not really used to it yet, it's more difficult than it used to be. I wouldn't say my emotions are stronger or more intense, it's that they're different. I feel more of them in the moment, but I wouldn't say that makes them more intense. I think of this like I'm getting to know my actual self. It's new, and it can be hard at times, but there is no doubt in my mind that I want this. 

If I had to go back to what I was before, I would become extremely suicidal very quickly. The thought of having my hormones taken away is terrifying. I started making some backup plans, just in case my insurance was taken away, or stopped covering my medication. Luckily, my insurance (Washington Apple Health via Amerigroup) has thus far covered every penny of my transition, and if that ever changed, I might go broke trying to buy my medication every month. I would also not be able to afford my regular doctor visits for blood tests... It's kind of depressing that my body can't produce its own estrogen, so I'll likely be taking these patches for the rest of my life. The spiro, on the other hand would actually not be necessary for me to take for the rest of my life if I were to get surgery someday. Without testicles, my body wouldn't be producing all that testosterone that the spiro has to block. This is, of course, all based on hypothetical knowledge. It's possible there are things I don't know that could make things easier down the line.

Anyway, here's a shameless picture of my butt, to show off my new curves. Physically speaking, I started noticing fewer new changes by this month. The changes that did occur were mostly just continuations of the ones I've previously mentioned. Breast size continued to very slowly increase, facial hair continued to very slowly thin out and soften... Did I mention that's happening painfully slowly? My body continued to redistribute fat to develop curves. My face continued to subtly shift and look more feminine, and at this point, my face skin was so softened out and acne-free, it was looking a lot more feminine. My acne scars were healing.

Here's a shameless picture of my chest, to go with that shameless picture of my butt... At the end of this month, as the weather was getting colder, I had to stop wearing low cut tank tops. This made me sad, because I finally had something to show. I loved wearing these things with push-up bras. It's addicting! I was just barely wearing an A cup, but I was all over it.

While we're on the subject of my body parts, toward the end of this month I began to notice my erections becoming painful. When I'm too turned on it feels like there's stretching going on, like it's trying to become bigger than it is. This is definitely a complication I didn't expect... I guess this explains why guys have random erections. Probably to keep it stretched out on a regular basis. I don't get those at random anymore, and my boyfriend and I haven't been able to do things as often due to work schedule conflicts and time constraints, so guess my parts are losing their groove from lack of use.

Lucky for me when I'm by myself I don't need a full erection to finish the job anymore. I've been treating it like a vagina for so long I've gotten used to other methods with a vibrator, and often those methods finish the job without needing a full erection. But since this erection issue caused me pain when my boyfriend was around (because he gets me going hotter than I can by myself), I figured I should probably try to give myself harder erections every so often, to maybe stop that awful pain.

There was another pain as well that began shortly before this one, in an area that I'm quite sure is my prostate. It would typically hurt as I'm getting turned on, but more often when I was suddenly turned on. So if my boyfriend suddenly leans over to make out and feel me up, I would get this prostate pain from the sudden blood flow. My doctor checked it out, but she didn't find anything that was really wrong. My guess is that this is directly linked to the erection pain, and it's just another part of the plumbing that was shrunk and can't hold all the blood properly.

I hate this. It's bad enough I still have to deal with having these parts, now I have to use them more often to keep them working? Sure it feels good, and sometimes that's enough. But during particularly sensitive days when I'd rather not think about these parts, playing with them causes some bad dysphoria. Instead of finishing the job, sometimes I stop part way through and cry because what I feel myself doing doesn't match with what's in my head. Doing it myself makes it even worse, because that means I sometimes have to look at it, and the touch of it just reminds me of what it is.

I just remembered something... I've had bouts of crying during masturbation before I realized I was trans, back in 2011... I had no idea why back then. I wonder if this has anything to do with it... But then, I have quite a handful of mental issues. PTSD, General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, ADHD, and some believe I may be on the autism spectrum. Correlation certainly does not equal causation.

On a lighter note, I believe it was during this month that I heard my mother watching TV one day, and there was a baby crying in the show she was watching. In addition to my motherly instincts being alerted to the sound, causing me to suddenly feel alert, my nipples reacted to it as well. They became hard, and I felt a little tickle feeling within them. I had to kind of hold, shake, and lightly rub my boobs for a moment, because the whole thing felt so weird. I don't think these things even have fully developed glands on the inside yet, so why would this be happening now?

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• I'm sick for the first time since starting hormones! ... Despite being sick and physically tired, I feel restless. Instead of trying to "muscle" through it without medicine, I am throwing everything I have at it. And I was a little upset when blowing my nose messed up my makeup. There's no difference other than that so far, so I'm rather puzzled by how so many men seem to act like they're dying while women are up making medicine, despite also being sick.
• Most of the people listed on my family members list on Facebook will be seeing confirmations popping up. I reset those because I was listed as the wrong gender. I guess Facebook doesn't change that automatically. Those of you who caught that and changed it already yourselves, thank you, I appreciate your attention to detail. I had totally forgotten about it myself :)

I began to wear makeup on a regular basis at this point, so it's hard to find pictures of me without it. I took a lot of great pictures this month... It's hard to choose just one! Left side without makeup, right side with.

You can view the Month 7 post by clicking here. >>>