*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 2

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sexual Content Material!

If you don't want to learn about my sex life and body parts, you best not proceed any further. The content in this series has been pretty tame up to this point. This post is going to go into some steamy details about how the hormones have affected my sex life.

Month 2 - May

Now I started to notice that my chest hair was thinning a little, and my skin was definitely changing. I had issues getting pimples before, but now I realized that my face had been clear for a long time. My skin was significantly less greasy, and my body's smell had changed. I no longer stunk so bad after two days without a shower. For lack of a better way of putting this, my sweat no longer smelled like a guy. My room no longer smelled like a guy lived in it, even though I didn't really change anything in it. I think it's because the grease wasn't sinking into my bed sheets anymore, so the bed didn't smell the same.

So when I say my skin was getting softer and changing, I mean the skin on all of my body. Not just my arms, legs, face, back, chest... But my butt, my hands, my groin, my armpits, EVERYWHERE was changing. I will refer to how this skin change affected my sex life in a moment, but first I need to talk about libido.

So at this point it was very clear that my libido had slowly changed. Yes, it was true that I wasn't masturbating as much, and my boyfriend and I weren't "doing things" as much, but it wasn't because my libido decreased. It was because my body didn't respond unless my mind was truly into it. It used to be that I would do things just to get my erection to go away, because it was annoying me that I had one. But now I didn't get those random erections, so that was no longer a problem. I could decide when I wanted to do things, and my body would respond.

The only problem, as it turned out, was the skin changes. When my boyfriend and I did "bedroom activities," chafing would occur on my part from the stroking motion. It was bad. It hurt, and occasionally bled, particularly between the foreskin and glans. My skin had thinned and softened so much in that area that I could not do anything without lots of lube. I developed scabs around that area for a while as we figured out how to get into a new bedroom groove. Bless my boyfriend for his amazing patience... He's been so great through all of this.

Perhaps his patience partly came from the benefits of the bedroom changes, however, because the sensations I felt definitely changed, and so did my sounds. It's hard to explain the difference in feeling, but... Let's say that as a guy it was like going down a water slide. You get that rush on the way down, some rocking back and forth here and there, you hit the water, and it's over. You feel exhilarated, but you can get right back up and do something else now. As a girl, in my experience it's more like... Floating on the water's surface during a series of large surfboard-worthy waves. You get hit by the waves, resurface, get hit again, resurface, and it tosses you back and forth. You flail around as you resurface, and continue floating on until you wash up onto the shore and hit the ground, exhausted.

With the water slide, it was more predictable. You could keep going, and you'd know the twists and turns on the way down, and you'd always hit the water the same way. You could try and change your landing on the way down, but it'd still be the same, for the most part, each time. 

With waves on the water's surface, however, it is somewhat different each time. They could be more or less intense. Your focus on predicting their movements could be more or less accurate, making the experience even more varied. The waves could take you closer or further from shore at varied speeds. It's all about going with the flow and being consistent. And you feel it in your entire body. 

Because of the intensity of the new sex sensations, during some of the more intense waves, if we'd gotten into a particularly good groove, I would arch my back, squirm around, or grab onto the headboard of the bed, feeling the need to hang onto something. I never used to do that before. It's like that feeling of being just seconds away from orgasm off and on, until it built up enough force to push me the rest of the way there. I couldn't get up immediately afterward, typically needing to stay laying on my back for at least 20 minutes in a daze, recovering from the experience.

This is so very different from the way I used to be in bed. The shock of feeling things differently has made it so much more enjoyable, and my whole body gets into it now. I often zone out in the moment, and I don't realize I've completely knocked all the sheets and blankets off the bed until the aftermath.

So yeah, those changes were intense, and uh... I was loud. I made sounds before, but not like this. This was probably also from the intensity of the new sensations. I think my volume was partly because I wasn't used to it yet, and it felt more intense because of the unfamiliarity. It felt so right, and it's like the sensations during sex caused gender euphoria to mix with sexual euphoria and the combination was just... So amazing.

I wasn't just loud, but I also discovered a change in my voice during sex around this time. My boyfriend found a spot one night that... Well, it worked very well, and I made a loud, almost screaming sound that I didn't even know I could make. It sounded exactly like a female sex sound, no doubt at all, and we were both rather surprised that it came from me. The new sounds work quite nicely for both of us, and they continued from this point on, loudness being based on the level of intensity I'm feeling. Honestly, the sounds just kind of happen. He probably uses them as a way of judging whether he found a good spot to focus on, just like I did with my exes. It's interesting being on the other side of that. I sometimes had to grab a pillow to muffle myself, if I was in my own head enough to think of it. I'd like to think my housemates didn't hear me sometimes, but they probably did... Insulation in the walls can only block so much sound...

My breasts began to pop out a bit more noticeably, even under my guy clothes. The soreness continued, with occasional feelings like stabbing pains right behind the nipple. If you felt my breasts at this time, you'd feel that something was developing inside them. Something that definitely wasn't there before. 

At this time I began to run into a completely new struggle... I could no longer itch my nipples. I used to be able to itch my nipples and areolas directly with my fingernails no problem. But as of this second month that hurt too much, and instead I have to kind of rub my knuckles or fingers overtop them in order to itch them. These little details... Who would've thought of that problem in advance, am I right?

My facial hair started to thin a little bit on my chin, but just a bit. I began to notice my body was changing shape. I was developing some hips, and I had an hourglass shape forming. Seeing myself in a mirror made me very happy, unless I looked at what I still had "downstairs". Seeing my lower genitals made me feel very sad, and sometimes cry. I perfected the skill of averting my eyes from my groin whenever I changed, and whenever I saw myself in a mirror without clothes. Not seeing what was down there helped a little.

I slowly came out at work, first to a few students who were close to me, and then to the rest of the school as I legally changed my name. I was met with an amazing amount of support from students, staff, and parents.

From a more broad emotional standpoint during this month, a ton of memories were beginning to "unlock" within my head. Memories that made sense now, of feminine behaviours I've had since I was a tiny child. But as I processed so many memories, and as I felt more love toward myself, other memories began to unlock. I was processing emotions differently now, and letting things out in a very healing way. And since I began to process things like this, I began to remember things I had blocked out from my past. In order to explain many of these things in acceptable detail I'd have to write a whole other blog post, but suffice it to say, most of this stuff was pretty awful.

But as I processed this stuff, I realized a new feeling. As I was crying one night, I realized that I wasn't crying out of self pity. I wasn't crying out of immediate pain. I was crying about the fact that someone would do that to a person at all. I felt sorry for my past self, not my present self. It was empathy crying, not depression crying. I felt empathy toward myself rather than pity. That was a confusing realization, but a welcome one. I realized a few things about myself, and I got more sentimental than many of my friends are used to, apologizing to some of them for some things I did in the past, before I understood what I was even doing.

I also experimented more with perfecting my own makeup. Near the end of this month I had gotten pretty good at felt tip gel eyeliner :)

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• I came out as trans to most of my closer students at school today and it felt like I was saying something everybody already knew. I got a high five from one student, a knowing sounding "alright, cool" from a few others, and "yeah, I noticed, I just didn't want to blow your cover" from the rest. This school is awesome XD
• It's official! My legal name has been changed. Now I just need to muscle through the Department of Licensing to change my driver's license to match my new name and gender. I am no longer legally required to say my name is anything other than Josie!
• "You looked better as a boy."
  Never say this to a trans person. It is not a compliment. It feels like a stab in the heart. It is a rejection. It's basically saying they should have stayed in the closet. For most trans people, staying in the closet means staying depressed, anxious, and suicidal.
• Student: "You look like a girl."
  Me: "Thank you!"
  Little does that student realize, I genuinely took that as a compliment.
• I should be asleep right now, but I just finished replying to an email that got me thinking. I may be reading more into this, but I get the impression one of my students defended me to his parents. His mom sent me an email saying if I announce anything to the class regarding my identity that she wants to make sure she has the right to be there, and the wording was interesting. It sounds like there's a mixup of opinions in their family on this.
  I feel so blessed to have so many people willing to stick up for me. Have these people been around me all this time and I was just totally blind to it until I came out? You never know who among you is rooting for you behind your back
• If everybody just had freshly shaven legs scrubbed with almond grounds and cocoa butter while wearing fuzzy soft pants, maybe we would all be in a better place.
• I KNEW IT! It just seemed too coincidental that I was getting period symptoms! [posted an article about trans women getting period symptoms]
• "Every value I've ever held is being questioned, and I'm loving it." -Maurice Moss
• Just took my third month transition pictures and I'm very happy right now X3

Here are pictures from Month 2. I believe this accurately represents how I looked at the time. Left side without makeup, right side with. Looking better!

You can view the Month 3 post by clicking here. >>>