*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 1

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

There are some minor references to sexual body parts in this post. If you don't want to learn some detailed information about my body, you best not read ahead.

Trigger warning for dysmorphia: I explain gender dysphoria in paragraph 3. Just skip to paragraph 4 if you'd rather not read that part.

Month 1 - April

The emotional changes continued, and I started learning how to work with them. It felt so natural, but I was also not used to being able to truly and deeply feel things. It always felt instead like, rather than actually being there, I was feeling my emotions through a glass window. Like I wasn't actually there. I smiled so much during this month that my cheek and mouth muscles were in pain when I went to bed.

My depression disappeared, replaced with what is referred to in the LGBTQ community as "gender euphoria." Gender euphoria is a kind of euphoric feeling that comes when you are correctly gendered, or otherwise correctly acknowledged for your gender. It can also come from yourself, as you are exploring aspects of your true gender for the first time, or discovering/experiencing things that just feel "right." 

The opposite of this feeling is called gender dysphoria, which is an unfortunately common feeling for trans people, as it happens when we are misgendered, or otherwise recognized for being something that we are not. Getting a trans person's pronoun or name wrong is probably the most common outside source of dysphoria. Dysmorphia is a form of dysphoria, but more specifically it refers to an overwhelming feeling of being in the wrong body.

The euphoria died down in frequency for me after about 6 or 7 months, once I got used to being recognized for who I am, rather than who people thought I should be. But at month 9, as I write this, I still get it a little bit here and there, usually when I'm complimented for my appearance.

The birth of something new was happening in my mind. I felt love building toward myself, and I began to care about my life, and my existence. I cried a lot in these first couple of months...

It's an extremely liberating, freeing feeling, to see your body changing into what feels right. I'd been stuck in the wrong body for long enough that I had gotten used the feeling of it being wrong, and now I saw it turning into what it was supposed to be. I ranted about my changes to whomever would listen, because I was so very excited about everything. 

I was also having fairly regular "morning sickness" nausea whenever I woke up earlier than 10am. It was really becoming a problem getting ready for work on time, and it made it very difficult to concentrate while I was teaching my classes.

I think it was during this month that I, for the first time in almost 20 years, wet the bed. I woke up from a dream of taking my dad's dog out to pee, and I was peeing as I woke up. I think this happened because of the lack of bladder control brought upon by the Spironolactone, because I had trouble stopping the stream. I wasn't peeing my pants all the time or anything, but when I went to pee, I'd stand up and realize that there was actually more in there. I discovered some ways to prevent leakage: moving my legs left and right, doing a brief kegel workout, and pretending I was getting up helped a lot. It turned into a bit of a ritual, which has made it take longer for me to pee. But women are supposed to take longer in the bathroom, right?

My nipples continued swelling, and began to protrude forward a bit, forming a small pointed boob. The nipple soreness moved and expanded, encompassing the entire breast. The soreness actually hurt quite a bit, more than expected, and it was constant. I couldn't sleep on my stomach as easily anymore. For the first time in my life, the act of pushing my boobs together actually created some tiny cleavage. I tried wearing a sticky bra to push them together and had some fun taking pictures.

My breasts still very much appeared to be male, but the nipple started changing shape in very subtle ways. If I didn't wear a bra, the chafing of my nipples against my male clothing while I was at work was actually quite painful. My nipples also seemed to be hard a lot more often, so I needed to wear a bra anyway, just to keep them from showing through my shirt. The bra I wore was a girls bra I found at Fred Meyer. It had little pads in the front that comforted my soreness, and you pulled it over your head instead of dealing with hooks. When I wore the bra you could kind of tell I was developing breasts, but if I wore guy clothes, you wouldn't really notice anything. I still disguised myself as a guy a lot.

As I got used to actually having a tiny bouncing feeling when I jumped, I realized what actually having boobs would mean. I was very energetic one day and took a running jump at my bed, landing on my belly. I screamed in pain, having forgotten how sore my boobs were. That was horrible, and I whole heartedly learned never to do that again. While lying on my back watching TV, I would rest my hands on my tummy. Then sometimes, if I got an itch on my face, I would swing my hand up to itch. I did that, and whacked myself in the boob. That also hurt quite a bit. I had done this about 3 or 4 times during this month before I managed to kick the habit and develop a personal space bubble, keeping my hands a certain distance from my chest whenever they're in movement.

It didn't occur to my until this point that this is a natural part of female body movement. Women do this without even realizing it. Take a look at the way women move their hands when they talk, walk, open doors, etc. You'll find that they're all keeping their hands a certain safe distance away, about 1 to 2 inches minimum from their chests with every idle movement.

It was around this time that I started to come out at work and legally changed my name. I joked with my supervisor that I'm 27 years old, but I have 12 year old breasts. I am very lucky with how incredibly supported I was, and continue to be, from my workplace. The school staff are amazing people, and the parents and kids have been great. There are occasional ignorant parents, but they are shut down by the army that rushes to my defense. There are some kids who don't know they're being offensive, and I give them patience, because I know this is something they've never seen before.

I am complimented so often by parents and staff, it's hard to know how to take the affection. Not just on my appearance, but also they compliment my character. Who I really am. They tell me I do great work, and that everybody loves me, that I'm funny, and that I'm an inspiration and an influence to my students. I'm very hard on myself, so it's wonderful to hear people say these things, especially unprompted by subject matter, and out of context from my transition. They still see me as a human being who's trying her best, rather than a freak of nature, and I appreciate them all so much for that.

I could never have typed that last paragraph before I started hormones. I'm so much more sentimental now :P

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• [Friend's name] braided my hair during common meal. It was a little painful (I'm a wimp when it comes to hair pulling), but I like it. I've never had a Dutch braid before :D
• I'd love to say that I'm done accidentally whacking myself in the boob, but I've proven that wrong every day this week. I also regret the decision to run up and belly flop onto my bed. That was unexpectedly quite painful. I will likely be learning many more life lessons in my future :P
• A doctor appointment in Seattle, and then a trip to Tulip Town with CJ! This was a wonderful day of nature's beauty and good company, and I wasn't misgendered once by anybody! ^_^
• I want to thank everybody I interact with online for being so accepting. There are so many trans people who are ruthlessly attacked without provocation, hiding behind internet anonymity to protect themselves. I've been extremely lucky to not have experienced that thus far, and I really appreciate that I know so many people who are willing to stop, listen, and learn, rather than spouting blind judgement. You are all wonderful people. <3
• Random guy runs past me while I'm singing to myself walking into the grocery store. He stops running, turns around, tells me I'm beautiful with a big smile, then continues running to his car.
  Heehee X3
• I've been feeling so happy and energetic today. I spent practically my entire time at work dancing to songs in my head, and I raved to my therapist about how freaking amazing everything feels. And I hatched seven 5km and four 2km eggs in Pokémon Go after that.
• It's just AAH, OMG, THIS MUSIC IS SO CATCHY! AND EVERYTHING IS JUST SO COLORFUL AND GOOD SMELLING AND FLUFFY AND SOFT! If I didn't know better, I'd swear I'm on ecstasy. I just wanna hug my bed and my pillows and my blankets and my clothes and myself and my penguin and... Mmm... Fresh spring air...
• Morning sickness sucks -_-
• I love this comic. I'm so glad it actually got picked up by a newspaper! [posted picture of a Trans Girl Next Door comic]
• I may be looking into getting some lower cut shirts in my near future :3:

Here's a picture from Month 1. I believe this accurately represents how I looked at the time. Bleh...

You can view the Month 2 post by clicking here. >>>