*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 3

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

[EDIT 12-31-17 - Added something I forgot and changed some wording.]

Sexual Content Material!

If you don't want to learn about my sex life and body parts, you best not proceed any further. This won't be quite as explicitly detailed as the previous month, but it will be similar.

Potential trigger warning: Paragraphs 14 and 15 contain a descriptive story about my body dysmorphia. The final two paragraphs end on a positive note.

Month 3 - June

I realized I forgot to ask myself if I wanted to continue with the hormones until this point. I began to realize the changes are becoming permanent now. I didn't even have to think about it, there was no way I was going back. I was in this for the long haul, and I was having zero regrets.

Now my breasts started taking a bit more shape. I was just barely able to wear a 34A push-up bra and make it look filled. My chest could be mistaken for being male or female at this point when it was warm, but when it was cold my nipples would shrink, making it look like I just had large "man boobs". The constant soreness and occasional pain spikes continued as they grew.

Excited about my breast growth, but also rather impatient about how long it was taking, I asked my doctor about progesterone. I saw mention of progesterone on various trans forums, so I thought I'd get a medical opinion on it, since I built up a good amount of trust in my doctor at this point.

My doctor said the effects of progesterone aren't well documented enough to say for sure if they actually help speed things up. Some people adamantly say that it sped up their breast growth, and others say it didn't do anything at all. As far as medical documentation under controlled environments that utilized the scientific method, she knew of none. She said some potential side-effects were more increased clotting potential, and my mood swings may get worse. I may also experience increased nausea, dizziness, acne, headaches, and some other effects I'm having trouble remembering.

Obviously this is all within the context of my doctor's knowledge, and within the context of my particular body. I have no major physical health issues that particularly complicate hormone treatment, and it's extremely difficult to find people who consider themselves true experts on this topic, let alone meet with them. And I'm certainly not an expert, I'm just writing about my experience with what I'm doing.

I decided not to do it. I asked out of curiosity, and what I was doing appeared to be working fine, so why fix it when it's not broken? And I already had plenty of nausea, mood swings, headaches, and whatnot. And I just got rid of my acne for the first time in 13 years, so there's no way I'm bringing that back. Plus, I had the thought that the faster my breasts grow, the more potential there would be for stretch marks from the growth. And though it'd be fine if I got stretch marks, if given the option, I'd prefer to avoid them. 

So I decided I'd just be patient and experience my second puberty at a slower pace. Considering I'd have had to wait for 8-10 years through puberty if I was born with ovaries, I guess only having to wait 2 years wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. And really, it's kind of gender-affirming if you frame it that way. Gotta wait for them to grow, just as if I was born this way. I'm hoping for a good crop by next year :)

It was about this time that I began to notice a pattern. In the previous couple of months I had a 5 to 6 day period where I felt mood swings and cravings, got a couple of tiny pimples, felt more breast soreness than usual, got some occasional stabbing pains in my groin that felt like muscle spasms... I had developed a period cycle! My doctor has no explanation for the cramps, considering I don't have a uterus, but she believes it's not serious, and says it seems like nothing's wrong. There's just an area within the left side of my scrotum that just... Acts like a uterus when I'm on my period.

The cravings... I typically don't eat chocolate or sweets. Once I've had a certain amount of sugar in my day, my body rejects it, giving me a sore throat. I craved dark chocolate during one of my cravings, and I ate a dark chocolate covered cherry. It tasted so good it turned me on, seriously. I had never had an emotional reaction to food quite like when I've eaten something that perfectly satisfies a period craving. I craved pickles a lot, probably from the salt content because of the Spiro pills. And I had a weird obsession with lemons and sour foods. I ate a lemon and two limes, by themselves. Cut them up and bit into them, eating them like oranges. It gave me zero sour face, and it was so delicious...

We got into more of a groove in the bedroom, a more consistent pattern of things that worked, and the sensations continued to rock my world with how different they felt. Despite the fact my skin continued to get more sensitive, I was left with far fewer scabs this month, since we better learned when to call for more lube. The skin had thinned so that it was practically like the tip of the penis turned into a clitoris, in terms of sensitivity and the need to be delicate with touch. 


Perhaps the skin sensitivity also had something to do with how intense these experiences were. I purchased my first vibrator, and I have NO regrets on that purchase WHATSOEVER! They say a vibrator is a girl's best friend, and holy shit, they're not kidding. That revolutionized my alone time.

We learned that things seemed to work better if we treated the whole area like a vagina and clitoris, even if it didn't look like one. Rather than the "grab and pump," we did the "lube and rub." There were certain spots that, when rubbed correctly, consistently, and in a pattern, worked quite well. Sometimes the spots would shift slightly, so it's tricky for another person to learn and keep up with, but I pretty well got the hang of it myself once I had the idea to try it. Once I had a vibrator, I discovered that I could finish simply by holding the vibrator up to specific spots and leaving it there, no hand motion necessary unless the spot shifted. Lube helped, but wasn't entirely necessary for this method.

I remember my boyfriend told me at some point when I was feeling dysphoric, "Honey, that's not a penis. It doesn't work like one at all anymore. That is a vagina. If vaginas had innies and outies, you'd be an outie. But that's not a penis." I'm paraphrasing, but that's the general idea of what he said. So whatever it is I have seems to be some kind of hybrid. Looks like a penis, but certainly doesn't operate like one. Despite the way it looks, the fact it was behaving this way made me pretty happy.

I was feeling a lot of body dysmorphia this month. One night I was whispering myself through an anxiety attack while my boyfriend was sleeping (I didn't want to wake him up), and I got to a point where I felt better. I did some physical therapy exercises on the floor, and got myself into a much better mood. I was taking my clothes back off to get back into bed when I saw my reflection in a dark window. I looked down and saw my boobs, which made me very happy. But then I looked past them and began to sob uncontrollably. My boyfriend woke up and immediately tried to help me with a soft touch on my back, asking what was wrong as he got up. In the midst of my crying, as I caught some breath, I managed to say, while still sobbing, "I don't know what happened. I just... I looked down, saw my... And I just... I exploded in tears." My boyfriend held me and supported me as I continued to cry for another 15 minutes or so. I felt like I would never truly be a woman. I'd never truly be female. People wouldn't see me that way, people would get my pronouns wrong, my voice will always sound male, and I could never birth biological children. Despite all of the experiences I had gone through these past months, despite all the things that have changed, despite everything, I would always have this looming over my head. I was born with a male body, and there was nothing I could do to fully change that.

...Even just typing that, 4 months after this memory even happened, recalling the memory, makes me want to cry again... It will probably always make me sad. And just like my depression, some of this will probably just be something I have to learn how to work through and live with.

I started doing some research into surgery, largely to mentally prepare myself, and because I realized I really didn't know many details about it, and at the rate I was going, I figured it may be a reality in my future. I made the jump into hormones because I knew I could go back by the third month if I regretted my decision. That's not something I can do with surgery. It's all or nothing with a vaginoplasty.

I visited my dad for the first time since I came out this month. He saw me briefly 3 months earlier at my birthday dinner, but we didn't really get a significant chance to visit, and I wasn't as developed in body shape or makeup skill. He took me for a spin in his fancy new red sports car, and as we drove by a neighbor he said this: "I'm just taking my daughter out for a spin in the new car." I actually thought I was going to cry when he called me his daughter. I was holding my breath for him to misgender me. It made me so happy that he didn't...

I started noticing that my face was looking less masculine, even without makeup, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why or how. Also I started getting pretty good at painting my nails. I did some fancy trans flag colors for the 2017 pride parade!


Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• The last week of all my Thursday and Friday classes... So close and yet so far. I can do 2 more Wednesdays. I got this! ... Nausea, you're not helping my pep talk. Stahppit.
• So while shaving in the shower last night, as I tried a new method on my upper legs I said to myself "No pressure! No pressure. Just let it glide over the canvas."
  I didn't get a single cut or so much as a bump on my legs, and the technique was exactly the same as Bob Ross's method of painting mountains! Thank you, Bob Ross!
• Watching the graduation ceremony is a very different experience when some of your students are graduating. Aah, so many feels! I won't see them next year! T_T
• When everyone says you're a minority, and you rarely see anyone else like you, it's a big shock to go somewhere and see thousands of other people like you. At trans pride today there were thousands of unique, genuine, happy, loving, and beautiful people. It was amazing seeing so many people respecting one another as fellow human beings.
  Not only was I totally recognized and validated as female all day by everyone, but I was also validated as a nerd, because I got a lot of compliments on my bat'leth purse. These are my people. It's so emotional and exciting to meet them X3
• I suspect we may very soon get to a point where the LGBTQ community will need to protest the pride parade itself in order to remind people what it's supposed to be about.
• So I went to the Duvall Ixtapa today. This was the first time I have eaten in the restaurant (not ordered to-go) in a very long time, not counting my birthday party. Because it was just me, I got to see some familiar faces as the various founders were serving people. They don't generally serve the big parties.
  As the manager was filling my water, he slowed down his movements as he saw my face and realized it was me. He hasn't seen me since my transition. He asked how I was doing and we briefly caught up a little. Carlos, the guy who gives my dad and I an extra shot of tequila in our margaritas, was my primary server. We also had a nice exchange.
  My transition was never brought up, but everybody called me señorita without fail. It was wonderful being able to go back, and everybody was still as friendly as they've always been <3

Here are pictures from Month 3. I believe this accurately represents how I looked at the time. Left side without makeup, right side with. Looking a bit more feminine!

You can view the Month 4 post by clicking here. >>>