Health Department Phone Call

Here's a phone call I got one day. I think it pretty well illustrates the subtle every-day struggles that trans and non-binary people face.


Me: "Hello?"

Phone: "Hello, this is the Washington State Health Department calling on behalf of the CDC. You have been picked randomly to participate in a survey about your personal health and your insurance satisfaction. Do you wish to participate?"

Me: "Sure, go for it, ma'am."

Phone: "You may cancel at any time, and you have the right to not answer any questions that make you feel uncomfortable. How many people are in your household?"

Me: "Two."

Phone: "And how many of them are men?"

Me: "I guess... None of them."

Phone: "Okay, then both of them are women?"

Me: "Oh, no. Only one of them is a woman."

Phone: "Then the other one is a man?"

Me: "No, the other one is non-binary."

Phone: "... Is this person identified as a man?"

Me: "No, they are non-binary. Neither male nor female."

Phone: "... Let me go check and see how I'm going to put that in..."

Me: "Sure."

[2 minutes later]

Phone: "Alright, let's do this again. How many men are in your household?"

Me: "Zero."

Phone: "And how many women?"

Me: "One."

Phone: "..."

Me: "..."

Phone: "... I'll be right back."

[3 minutes later]

Phone: "Okay, sir, I need to verify--"

Me: "Ma'am. I'm transgender, please call me ma'am.

Phone: "You identify as female, correct?"

Me: "Yes, I am female."

Phone: "And the other household member is...?"

Me: "Non-binary."

Phone: "..."

Me: "And they use neutral they/them pronouns."

Phone: "Sir, I can't..."

Me: "Ma'am."

Phone: "Sorry, ma'am, there's no third option for me to add that option."

Me: "Thank you. And it sounds like you need to add one then! Because non-binary people exist. I live with one."

Phone: "... I'll be right back."

[7 minutes later]

Phone: *partially inaudible* Hello?

Me: "Hello?"

Phone: *signal cutting out* "This...it...thank..."

Me: "Hold on, I can't hear you."

Phone: *cutting out* "Thank you for ... Call, sir. Goodbye."

Me: "Oh... Okay. Goodbye. Sir."

[Hang up]

They actually pretended their signal was cutting out and ended the call. Just like what I usually do to them! Touché...

Helpful Hormone Treatment Info

I found this on Facebook, and it has a lot of helpful information. I thought I'd copy and share it here. Here's a link to the source: https://www.facebook.com/vellumandvinyl/posts/2027475120679222

The only changes I made were to correct some grammar and spelling, and remove some unnecessary profanity.

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Tumblr user 8deadsuns:

TRANS WOMEN: HERE'S SOME STUFF YOUR DOCTOR WON'T TELL YOU ABOUT HRT

1. Progesterone: Not for everyone, but for many people it may increase sex drive, and WILL make your boobs bigger. Also effects mood in ways that many find positive (but some find negative). Most doctors won’t prescribe this to you unless you ask. Most trans girls I know swear by it.

2. Injectable estrogen: More effective than pill or patch form. Get on it if you can bear needles because you will see more effects more quickly.

3. Estradiol Cypionate: There is currently a shortage of injectable estradiol valerate. There is no shortage of estradiol cypionate; functionally they do the same thing.

4. Bicalutamide: This is an anti-androgen that has almost none of the side-effects of spironolactone or finasteride. The girls I know who are on it are evangelical about it.

Tumblr user naidje:

@euryale-dreams

Tumblr user joyeuse-noelle:

Are there HRT medications that don’t increase blood clot risk? I’m already at risk because of my blood pressure, and my doctor won’t prescribe HRT that increases clot risk while I’m on the medication, meaning I may never not be on the medication.

Tumblr user euryale-dreams:

Absolutely.

The concerns surrounding venous thromboembolic events as a side-effect of hormone replacement therapy can mostly be traced back to one particular study known as the Women’s Health Initiative. This study was an enormous undertaking which, unfortunately, demonstrated significant adverse effects of the hormone therapies studied. As a result of this, the use of hormone replacement therapy in postmenopausal cis women was dramatically reduced, as the medical community began to question whether the therapy caused more harm than good.

Naturally, trans women have been suffering from this fallout ever since.

What physicians seem to fail to recognize is that the study examined a very specific hormone regimen which was, arguably, outmoded at the time the study was conducted. It examined the use of conjugated equine estrogen (Premarin) with or without the use of medroxyprogesterone acetate. Neither of these drugs are regularly used for the treatment of transgender women.

The estrogen most commonly used to treat transgender women nowadays is 17β-estradiol either in pill form or in the form of a sticky patch that you apply to your skin. Esters of estrogen (e.g. estradiol valerate) are also sometimes used either in a pill form or as an intramuscular injection.

Transdermal estradiol patches are the gold standard when it comes to treating women who are at high risk of a venous thromboembolic event. It simply does not increase the risk of developing a venous thromboembolism. The only thing you should keep in mind is that patches are not always well tolerated because of the lifestyle changes required to keep them from falling off and the fact that they tend to irritate the skin.

Fortunately, oral 17β-estradiol appears to be safe, regardless of the increased risk. At least one large study has shown that the use of oral estradiol in trans women is not associated with venous thromboembolic events. An individual woman’s risk would need to be substantial in order to contraindicate the use of oral estradiol.

For those who have significant risk of venous thromboembolism because they have had a previous thromboembolic event, because they are paralyzed, or because of some other factor it is good to know the relative risk between oral and transdermal estrogen. The latest research indicates that the use of transdermal estrogen lowers your risk of a thromboembolism to 80% of what your risk would be using oral estrogens.

It’s difficult to find hard numbers regarding the relative risk of venous thromboembolic events with regards to hypertension. The best I could find after an hour or so of searching was this study regarding VTE in lung cancer patients. Hypertension increased the risk by a factor of 1.8.

However, to put that into perspective being of African descent increases your relative risk for deep vein thrombosis by a factor of 1.3 when compared to Europeans. Europeans are, themselves, at increased risk when compared to Asians and Pacific Islanders by a considerable margin - a four-fold increase.

I should point out that being ‘male’ is also a risk factor for developing a thromboembolism and hormones are likely to be a contributing factor. Also, menopause is another serious risk factor. Given this information, it is likely that the use of transdermal estradiol will lower your risk of thromboembolic events significantly.

As far as the anti-androgen is concerned, the primary use for spironolactone for cisgender people is as an antihypertensive.

Even if the risk of thromboembolism was truly significant with modern hormone replacement therapy, it wouldn’t justify what your doctor is doing to you. The fact is that mortality in the transgender community from suicide, caused in part due to the lack of access to hormone therapy, is substantial. The quality of life lost when a trans woman is denied hormone therapy is substantial. The fact that your doctor does not appear to be taking this into consideration when they weigh the risk of thromboembolism against not receiving necessary medical care is deeply concerning.

I strongly recommend that you seek a doctor who is more sensitive to your medical needs as a transgender woman.

*Sensitive Content* My Transition - Recovering From Trauma

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sensitive Content!

I talk about sexual organs in this post, as well as sexual assault. If you don't want to hear about this stuff, you best skip to the end.

So where was I...

For those who may have noticed, I haven't been very good about catching up on the continuing months after month 13. I was thinking about why I'm having so much trouble with this, and why sitting down and writing, an activity I used to enjoy quite a bit, suddenly makes me feel anxious.

Sexual Assault

I think what it boils down to is sexual assault. As implied in my Month 12 post - I was sexually assaulted that month. 

It's been a bit of a ride recovering from that, even though it wasn't the first time. It was, however, the first time it had happened in which the other person perceived me as female. It was different.

I can joke all I want about how the guy had no idea how to work this bizarre sexual organ that's in my pants. Treating it like a penis was ultimately a failure, and he clearly had no idea what he was doing in his attempt. If he expected me to do any form of penetration, he was very sorely mistaken.

But through those jokes, I'm processing it all. It's sinking in. I joke about it as a means of talking about it, because talking about it prevents it from being completely bottled up. It hurts. I was drunk, high, and asleep, at a St. Patrick's Day party. There's no possible way for me to consent to anything in that state, and the fact that it was someone in my friend group makes it worse.

After that happened I stopped feeling comfortable publicly talking about myself. I didn't feel comfortable showing my body for a while either, wearing thick sweaters and loose baggy clothes that hid my figure. I stopped wearing makeup and push-up bras. My anxiety changed and worsened, and I started having flashbacks to previous sexual assaults. Writing about sensitive details in my life became far more difficult. 

I also had a chain of other issues in my life, including a law suit against my apartment manager, insurance deciding not to cover expensive electrolysis treatment and leaving with a $3,000+ medical bill, and many struggles amidst moving that put strain on my romantic relationship. I have also encountered a lot of painful discrimination, direct and indirect, ranging from people scowling at me to people deliberately calling me a man to my face. There's plenty of chaos to list, but I don't really feel like talking about it in detail right now...

I won the law suit. I'm beginning to recover from the blow the insurance issue did to my bank account. My boyfriend and I are still going strong, and we're now living together. I have a new career as a school district technician that pays more with less stress. Things are getting better.

Catching up...

I would like to be able to say that it will soon be easier for me to regularly talk about my transition in detail on this public medium, but I don't know how long it will be before I feel up to it again.

I have to say, biologically speaking, not much has been changing, to be honest. It's pretty much just more of the same. Breasts continue to fill out, voice still bothering me, facial hair still bothering me, and I still want bottom surgery.

The only major thing that's happened, I think, has been that I have dyed my hair and I have bangs now. And I love my new bangs! I think it further refines and completes my look. This picture is from month 19.

I have just put together a timeline of pictures from before hormone treatment up to just shy of month 20. I'll be releasing that on here at some point.

So rather than continuing the month to month recap, I'm thinking I'll just release bits of information related to individual subjects.

*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 13

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sexual Content Material!

I describe a sexual experience in this post, and talk about the body functions involved. If you don't want to learn about this, especially within the context of my body, you best not read ahead.

Month 13 - April

My spironolactone dosage has been changed back to what it was before, and all the effects I mentioned in my previous post about the dosage change have stopped. My transition is moving forward again! It's such a load off my mind that I'm moving in the right direction again... This has definitely brought to light what it would mean for me to go back, and what it would mean for me to lose access to my hormones. When my testosterone is higher, I feel absolutely miserable, and I don't feel like myself. It feels wrong. I hate the idea that I rely on medication to keep my testosterone down. This is just another thing, another aspect of my transition that makes me want a vaginoplasty. From what I understand, I wouldn't have to worry about these testosterone issues if I got surgery.

My testosterone being lower once again means that my erections are painful, and that the "S shape" has returned. After some experimentation, I think I may have discovered another clue to why the erections are painful: it feels like it's trying to fill with more blood than it can hold, and the S shape kind of reflects that, but what I hadn't noticed before is that the glans isn't filling with blood! I had forgotten that, before my hormone treatment, when I had erections, the whole thing would fill up - the tip would also get harder. But that's not happening anymore! The tip doesn't get harder during an erection anymore, it stays soft and squishy. I wonder if something is blocking the blood flow into the tip, and maybe that's why the pain gets more intense based on how turned on I become.

Now on to the juicy stuff...

During this month, for the first time since before I started hormone therapy, I had penetrative vaginal sex where I was the one penetrating. I had been curious for the past few months about what it would be like now that all these changes have happened, and whether I would even enjoy it anymore. I wondered if I'd even be able to penetrate, honestly. My genital shape is different now, and it doesn't get as hard anymore, not to mention the pain I get from even having an erection. But I suppose, with enough lube, most anything is possible... It's not like it's too big to fit, considering its size has certainly decreased since last time.

It was weird. I'm not used to being on top anymore, first of all. And second, I honestly forgot what I was doing. I did have trouble getting inside at first, and I think that was entirely because the tip aims downward now, so it slips in the wrong direction. Once I was inside, the intimacy was wonderful, but I remember the actual physical sensations to be more pleasurable than it was this time. Because this whole thing was bringing direct attention to my genitals, I started to feel dysphoric, so I tried my best to imagine that I was the one being penetrated. Unfortunately my imagination wasn't quite powerful enough to fool me on this one, since I very obviously could not feel something inside me, and the whole hip movement thing wouldn't work that way if it were the other way around. I remembered back when I used to have trouble with stamina during sex, but here I was this time, having trouble finishing because the sensations didn't feel quite right. It felt like my being inside someone was hitting the wrong spots.

Turns out the shape change was causing me to hit the wrong spots as well, as my partner wasn't getting too much out of it either. I was also very rusty, feeling like I'd forgotten how to even do this properly. The physical closeness and intimacy was very nice, but the sexual pleasure part was just alright. I figured out a good hip movement that I don't think I had ever done before, and that eventually became enough. Afterward we had to finish ourselves again, the way we're more used to doing it, because it just didn't hit quite the right spot.

And so here I am, full circle, having had that kind of sex for the last time. I think it's pretty unlikely that I'll ever do it again, and honestly, I don't think I'll really miss it. That ship has sailed. I've discovered other means of accomplishing what I want in bed, and those means not only feel better, but they don't cause my any gender dysphoria. I'm ready for surgery to make me the one on the receiving end of that exchange. I'm ready for it to be impossible for me to penetrate someone in that way.
 

Grapefruits are amazing!

On a very different note, I've been craving grapefruit this month. It's just so damn delicious! A glass of sparkling water with a shot of non-concentrated lemon juice, and two fresh sliced grapefruits... So good... However, I learned that grapefruit apparently has an effect on various medications. A friend told me about how grapefruit also has an effect on transdermal estradiol patches, causing a potential increase in estradiol levels. Personally, I think I'm fine with that effect, considering it could potentially help with boob growth... I did some poking around online and confirmed what my friend was talking about.

I thought I'd check to see if there were any concerns with grapefruit combined with my spironolactone, and I didn't find anything. I did, however, discover that "licorice counters the effects of blood pressure medications, such as spironolactone." Spironolactone works by blocking androgen receptors, thereby lowering testosterone levels. It also blocks aldosterone, causing an increase of water and salt to be dumped into your urine. Preventing the medication from interacting with the androgen receptors would have undesired effects for me, but I'm curious how much of this medications functions are actually affected by the licorice? If the aldosterone blocking is affected, and the androgen blocking isn't, that would be amazing. Because if it only counters the part that changes my blood pressure and salt absorption, that would actually be very beneficial to me, since my blood pressure being low was the only reason my spiro dosage was lowered before. I have some new questions to ask my doctor! 

I'll bet she's totally looking forward to it. Every interaction with my doctor tends to be quite a learning experience for both of us. Sometimes I feel bad because of how much of a pain in the butt I probably am for my doctor. She's very nice, and she doesn't guilt me at all... But that behind that professional disguise, she must have to take a deep breath before opening my emails, because my research questions must be a handful.
 

A potential change in hormone delivery

Speaking of my doctor, I'm considering switching from my bi-weekly transdermal estradiol patches to weekly injections. I hate needles so much, but I'm getting a little tired of having to replace my patches every week, and the effects the patches are having on my skin is making me concerned that my skin is going to start getting rougher in the areas I rotate the patches. I want my skin to remain soft!

I hear from various people that injections tend to have greater/faster impact, particularly for breast growth, but I'm not entirely sure how they determine the factuality of that statement. Every person has genetics that contribute to varying breast sizes during development, and you can only grow breasts once, so unless they were able to test this on four pairs of identical twins, I'm not sure how they'd be able to accurately establish the basis for a pattern with the results. I can understand seeing a pattern in how quickly things take effect, but to claim that one method causes breasts to develop to a larger size than the other? That seems a bit difficult to test due to the absence of a properly controlled environment.

In any case, I am certainly curious to look into it. Maybe if I learn to do the injections myself it will help me to break my fear of needles a bit. It's not like I need to find a vein, since these are shots that go into muscle tissue. The fact it's not going into a vein would probably help a lot, actually, since that's one of the main issues I have with getting shots. Something about the veins just... Ehh...
 

I'm such a girl...

I'm noticing some moments with my boyfriend lately where I've been particularly feminine. Stereotypically so, in fact. I think I've developed that womanly quality of asking unfair questions. 

I don't know why, but I might randomly ask him if he thinks my hips are wide enough to bear children. I feel an urge, every time I shave my legs with cocoa and shea butter, to ask him to feel it. When I get ready to go out, I often ask him how I look before we leave. I've often ask whether what I'm wearing makes my hips or my boobs look too small. I think you get the idea...

I often recognize that the question I'm asking is rather unfair right after asking it, so I turn it into a joke of some kind to let him off the hook, so he doesn't have to answer. It so strange how my behaviour changes like this, and now that we're living together, I guess I've slipped into acting like a stereotypical wife at times. I need to be careful not to slip into a self destructive behaviour of constantly needing other people's approval on my appearance, to a point where I have no say in my own personal self. Too many women are afflicted by that, and it destroys their own personality when they are unable to stand up and be themselves. I've gotten this far by standing up for who I am, so I'm not going to let this take any of that away from me!
 

Thoughts on body-shaming gender dysphoria

I notice a lot of trans women talk about how various things that I consider non-gendered give them gender dysphoria, and some of the dysphoric things trans women complain about are things that cis women also complain about. I find this kind of interesting, and here are some examples of why... 

First I need to confirm here that I'm approaching these opinions from a place of privilege and bias. I'm white, my family mostly supports me, my workplace supports me, and I've been underweight my whole life. My doctors have actually ordered me to gain weight in the past because of health concerns. So take my words with plenty of healthy skepticism. These are just observations, not facts.

I've noticed many average build trans women fat-shame themselves, and say that their weight causes dysphoria. I have no idea what it's like to be fat-shamed, but men and women are both fat in pretty much the same way. It's just redistributed differently, and, in the case of all of the women I'm thinking of as I write this, hormone treatment took care of that. They honestly look quite attractive, and very feminine. In fact, from a biological standpoint, women have more fat content than men. For trans women, hormone treatment causes more fat content to develop in the body, essentially replacing the muscle content. The boob growth we treasure is two sacks of mostly fat attached to our chests. It even helps to cover up our Adam's apples! We should try to embrace it as being gender-affirming!

Cis women complain about their weight just as much as trans women. Doesn't that kind of reinforce how gender-affirming a problem this is to have? You'd think it would be, but unfortunately, trans women are held to an even higher standard than cis women. We're even harder on ourselves than cis women, because people will typically take any tiny detail about us and use it to claim we aren't who we say we are...

Breast size is another one, as I mentioned before, attributing it to being added fat. Many trans women, myself included, complain about small breasts. We try as best we can to increase our breast sizes. Our breasts are a source of gender dysphoria, because if we were born the way we should have been, we wouldn't be so flat... Right? But look at our mothers... Were our mothers also flat? My body frame is pretty small. I want a B cup, but with this frame, and these genetics, that seems pretty unlikely. And I believe the same would likely have been true if I were born cis female.

Though it may be true that being born with a different set of chromosomes would have affected height and weight to a certain degree, it's not often going to be the difference between being Paul Bunyan and being Barbie. Honestly, nobody could be Barbie... She's physically impossible. There's literally not enough room in her gut for her internal organs, and her bones would be incredibly brittle, considering how tiny her limbs are. Cis women also compare themselves to Barbie, feeling a similar kind of shame. Perhaps not to the same degree, since trans women are held to that higher standard, but it's pretty darn similar. When we transition, we should expect to look like the female version of ourselves, most likely resembling a younger version of our mothers. We can't expect to magically turn into Barbies.

I think another thing at play here is that these trans women aren't used to experiencing the social stress that women have to deal with on a regular basis. Male privilege allows for men to be fat shamed less often, and less judged for their physical appearance. Being a man in our society is honestly a whole lot easier than being a woman in many ways, as women are criticised constantly based on their appearance, their tone of voice, their level of devotion to their opinions, how much sex they're having... There's so much there that men never have to deal with in the same way.

So giving up one's male privilege in order to transition... That can be a really difficult culture shock. As a trans woman coming out, you would be dealing with all the culture shock of being trans in society, all of the flack people give you just for being alive, and it can be really easy to blur the line between what flack is from being trans, and what flack is for being a woman. 

I find that recognizing which things are actually truly trans-related, and which things are social issues that come with being a woman, helps a lot. If I was truly born cis female, I'd probably still be complaining about my small boobs, and I'd probably still have occasional men rolling their eyes at me when I outsmart them.

My voice, on the other hand... That's another matter.
 

My identity is not up for barter

Okay, there's one last thing that comes to mind from this month... I am going to keep this as anonymous as possible by avoiding names and gendered pronouns...

I met with a student and parent one day, and the parent said that their student had supported me directly and indirectly as I've come out as trans, and so the parent thought it was only right for me to support the student as they struggle with their disability.

I maintained a calm voice and demeanor, ignored the fact that the parent had brought my being trans into the discussion, and I showed the parent what I have provided to support the student, and how I intend to be of help. I have every intention of helping this student to succeed, disability or no. By the end of our meeting, I think the parent understood, and saw, that I am in fact making an effort to help.

That being said, the fact that the parent brought my transition into the discussion was uncalled for. I didn't say this to the parent, since I thought it best to remain professional and unconfrontational. I get where they were coming from, and I can see their point of view. The parent lost their cool, and I understand that. People say things that they regret when they lose their cool, and desperate parents will do or say anything to protect their children.

This parent was wrong to imply that my being trans is a bargaining chip. It is not. If there is ever a condition that someone's acceptance comes with a price tag, then I don't want their support. My identity is never to be used for favors. 

Imagine this... What if the teacher were a person of color? And the parent approached the teacher to say that because their student supports the Black Lives Matter movement, the teacher should support the student's disability. That would be considered pretty darn racist, wouldn't it? Because it would be implying that being a person of color is akin to having a disability?

Being a person of color is not a disability. Being trans is not a disability. Respecting someone as a fellow human being should never come with a price tag.

I will help this student. I will go outside of my allotted paid time to help this student. I will do the best I can to help because I care about this student and their development, and not ever because I want something in return. Because that is the decent thing to do, and if I requested anything in return for it, as this parent has, then they would likely be just as outraged as I am right now.

Trans supporters, or any other human rights supporters, should never attempt to extort favors from people through their support. That is morally wrong, and a disgusting form of bribery.


Right side is a picture with makeup, wearing the dress I wore on my birthday. Left side is a video without makeup, because I apparently have no pictures from this month of myself without makeup, and I'm shirtless in the transition picture I took this month, so... No, you don't get to see that one.
I dyed my hair at the end of this month! ;)

You can view the Month 14 post once it's released by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 12

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

I talk about body parts and their functions in this post. If you don't want to hear about this stuff in detail, especially within the context of my body, you best not read ahead.

Trigger Warning:
I describe what it is like for me to have a panic attack in this post. If you suffer from PTSD, please practice self care.

Month 12 - March

I've officially reached my first year on hormone treatment!

Unfortunately, near the end of last month my spironolactone (testosterone blocker) dosage was decreased to 100mg per day, down from 200mg per day. This was because of some concerns with dizziness and low blood pressure. I say unfortunately because the result of my dosage being lowered was that aspects of my transition began to reverse.

The first change I noticed that hinted to higher testosterone was an emotional one. In my Month 0 post I spoke of a little voice in the back of my head, like an annoying child in the back seat of a car. A voice that needed to be under constant surveillance. It made a warm electric wave feeling that passed over my body when I got angry, resulting in physical urges of violence that I needed to control. The removal of that voice gave me a sense of peace, serenity, quiet... That voice is coming back now. It has resulted in my saying hurtful and unhelpful things during arguments, and it's been difficult trying to control it when it gets strong enough. I'm not used to it anymore, and I want it gone.

Other changes I've noticed is that my chin hair seems thicker and scratchier than it was last month. My right armpit smells like my old body odor from before hormone treatment, but left left armpit still smells like my new body odor. So that's interesting... My erections aren't quite as painful as they were last month, and the erection isn't as strangely S-shaped either. My ejaculate has turned from a very liquidy clear fluid to a less liquidy and more sticky, slightly milky colored fluid... That basically means I'm probably not completely sterile anymore. It's starting to hurt again when I wear tight pants, so... That's distressing.

This experience of going backward is causing a lot of dysphoria, and I need it to stop. I've contacted my doctor to request that my spironolactone be increased to my previous dosage, because I have been feeling very suicidal. I would so much rather deal with low blood pressure than have to go through this... It feels like time is being wasted and hard work is being thrown away because of how this is progressing backward.

My panic attacks

I don't know if this necessarily has to do with the effects of my dosage change, because a lot has happened this month, but I had a very bad string of panic attacks. Some of the worst I've had since my mental breakdown in 2012, with one of my panic episodes lasting over 4 hours. For those who don't know what I mean when I talk about panic attacks, here is a description of what I'm talking about:

My panic attacks start out with silence and bouts of not breathing, and my whole body tensing up. During this part my mind is going too fast for me to talk or consciously move, and I'm spiraling down a path of self destruction, uncontrollably beating myself up with memories of things I did wrong, no matter how long ago they happened. Sometimes, if I'm spiraling into a panic while standing, I will attempt to respond to multiple thoughts at once, and it will look like something is tugging my body in multiple directions before I fall onto the floor, unable to get up. But usually I just deliberately sit down, lay down, or fall down, unable to get up.

If the panic is allowed to continue, and I don't manage to take a lorazepam (my emergency anxiety medication), I can begin to see hallucinations, possibly from the combination of stress and lack of oxygen. This makes me keep my eyes closed so I can't see the hallucinations. At this point I'll be whimpering, squirming around, and uncontrollably clawing at myself in an attempt to rip myself apart. Then I go from not breathing enough to breathing too much, and this is where I my memory gets really fuzzy. What little I remember from these events, and what people have told me, is that I'll start to say various terrified reactions like "no" and "please stop." That probably comes from my PTSD around various things I've experienced in life.

These panic attacks can be as short as 10 minutes, and as long as 9 hours. During the string of panics I had this month, I had 4 over a period of 3 days. It took me 5 days to physically recover from the strain it put on my heart, lungs, and all my body muscles.

When I say "I have panic attacks," I don't think people understand what that really means. Even describing it like this, I don't think anyone could truly understand what these are like unless they see it for themselves. But I try to hide these from people. They tend to get worse when other people see them.

Just to clarify, I've been having panic attacks like these for a very long time. These are not new, and the earliest memory I have of having one is around age 7. This is only coming up because lately I feel like I've started having them more often, since my spironolactone dosage was halved.

So anyway... I'm hoping to get that spironolactone dosage situation taken care of soon.

Hormonally speaking, I'm a teenage teacher

How weird is it to be at the same state of hormonal puberty as the teenagers I teach? Going through the same emotional turmoil, but having to be in the teacher's position of responsibility? It's quite an experience... I'm not going to lie, seeing how quickly some of the girls developed compared to me has brought up some feelings of jealousy. Just as any other late blooming teenage girl would feel... But I never talk about that; I'm professional, and I know to maintain boundaries. 

Being in a state of hormonal flux, dealing with both testosterone and estrogen, I identify with all of what my students are going through, female and male. Some of them ask me for advice on dealing with hormonal mood swings and other puberty stuff, and all I can think to tell them is that it sucks, and we all come up with our own methods of coping... I just try to take a deep breath and acknowledge the feelings that are happening, but take a step back and just watch the feelings go by rather than letting them pull me along into the drama.

Gender, romance, and sex

I consider gender, romantic attraction, and sexual attraction to be different things that are not mutually exclusive. One can be sexually attracted to someone without romantic attraction, and regardless of gender. The opposite can also be true, and any combination in between.

Sexual attraction should not be a choice between one or the other, straight or gay, penis or vagina. We are programmed to think there are only two options, and that they're all the same. But they're not.

No two penises are the same. No two vaginas are the same. A female penis is not even necessarily the same as a male penis. Nor is a male vagina the same as a female one. It's so much more nuanced than that, and sexuality should be just as nuanced, to match how our biology is not binary.

Are you sexually attracted to the gender or the reproductive body part? Are you romantically attracted to the gender, or the reproductive body part? After a date with a trans person you really hit it off with, do you have romantic attraction, but not sexual attraction, because of what's in their pants? What about the other way around? Chasers tend to fetishize trans people, but not stick around with romantic attraction. Are you only interested in someone because the puzzle pieces fit the way you're told they're supposed to? Or is there a deeper connection that could go potentially beyond that?

There's so much to be explored in discovering the answers to these questions. Sticking with one thing and being unwilling to experiment just seems so boring! It's like sticking with vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life. Try adding some M&Ms, rainbow sprinkles, caramel, marshmallows... The experience is worth a try. You never know unless you try, and it might grow on you. But I'm pansexual, so I'm pretty biased.

Female hormone patterns

I had some people ask me questions about how I know when I'm PMSing, and how I manage my estradiol patch dosages. I explained that there are average ranges of different phases of women's cycles. Estrogen would be higher during ovulation and lower during the luteal phase. So here's what I worked out with my doctor, in order to make my blood tests more accurate: 

According to the data on my period tracker, I have a fairly consistent cycle. So I get my blood tested as close to between the ovulation and luteal phases as possible. I apply one patch on Sundays and two patches on Wednesdays. By making the ovulation peak higher with alternating patches, it seems to make the lows dip into the correct average range for the luteal phase. It all just kind of falls into place, so when I'm blood tested at certain times of the month, I should be within the average range of where a cis female would be at that time in her cycle.

Hormones aren't something that sit at one level all the time, they're always changing around. So an idea I came up with is to help the hormones along with what they want to naturally do by adding an extra patch for the ovulation phase, and removing that extra patch for the luteal phase. My doctor seems to agree with my logic, but for now I'm just on alternating patches twice a week.

Worrying about men's intentions...

On a rather different and darker note, until this month, I don't think I had truly grasped the concept of what it means to be looked at as someone that people want to have sex with, and the depth of what that means. Before my transition, it felt like I never had to worry about the general public looking at me that way. I never had to worry about the implications of what it might mean to be looked at as an object of desire.

But now... Now I have to worry about the fact that others might want my body; that others might try to pursue me sexually. That others might see me as something they want to do things to... I'm not the pursuer anymore. I'm the pursued. 

Now I have to worry about what's happening in my sleep at sleepovers, and other situations in which I lose control of my body or judgement.

Because of something that happened this month, I am giving up alcohol, and I probably won't participate in another sleepover for a very long time. I will never allow such a situation to happen again... It will either be 100% consensual on both sides, or it will not happen at all. I feel so disturbed and confused by that night... Men behave differently toward me now, and I need to remember that, for my own safety.

This is how women feel all the time. This is the reality that women have to deal with, that many men don't acknowledge. It's so sad that nothing has truly been done about this after all this time, and it doesn't look like anything will change this sociological behaviour anytime soon.

Left side without makeup; right side with makeup. I officially have prescription glasses now!

You can view the Month 13 post by clicking here. >>>

The Comments Section: Journalism

What happened to simply reporting on events without adding opinions into the narrative? What happened to people thinking for themselves, rather than picking and choosing opinions that other people express?

Here are some news headline examples. The before is the actual headline, and the after is what I believe it should be changed to in order to remain unbiased and purely informative.

• Before:
• "Under Trump's watch, national debt tops $21 trillion for first time ever." -CBS News
• After:
• "National debt reaches $21 trillion."
• Before:
• "Trump began the week tweeting about the border. Now he's sending troops." -CNN
• After:
• "National guard to be deployed to southern border."

Headlines are being worded to provoke outrage and solidify existing opinions. It's subtle, but it's manipulative enough to cause problems and undermine democracy.

News should be purely about informing the public, not about implying how to think or feel about something. Nearly every major news network in the US breaks the journalism code of ethics on an almost daily basis with misleading headlines and articles that lack sources.

What's the point of having a code of ethics if there's no penalty for breaking it?

My Transition - Coming Out

This is continuing off my Discovering Myself post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

This time, let's focus more on how I came out of the closet. I came out first as gender fluid, but trying avoiding labels, so I didn't conform to anything in particular. This was in order to give myself free reign to figure myself out without "box" limitations.

Coming out to my mom

In my previous post I talked a little bit about how my mom found out I was wearing women's clothing. But I didn't really explain how I came out to her as trans. Considering I lived with her, and she already saw me wearing girl clothes all the time, complete with bras and silicone boobs to fill them, I figured this probably wouldn't be much of a surprise.

I guess I thought wrong, because when I sat down on the couch to talk to my mom and tell her I'm trans, it looked like it hit her by surprise. I'm going to paraphrase basically what I said to her when I sat down on the couch while she was reading:

"Hey, I want to tell you about something. Over the past 6 years or so I've been doing a lot of self discovery, and you've seen me wearing breast attachments and women's clothing a lot. Well... I've come to the conclusion that I am not gender fluid, I am transgender. I am female. I've talked to my doctor, and I'm looking to start hormone treatment. I am also changing my name and pronoun, so I'd like you to call me Josie, and refer to me as she."

My mom was visibly shaken as we talked. I didn't realize until then that she must have thought my girl stuff was some kind of phase. A phase that had lasted 6 years... I'm not sure she realized how long I'd been doing that. At first she seemed rather offended by the name change, because she really liked my old name, and she seemed to think I was changing it because I didn't like it. It wasn't that I didn't like it, it was that it was male. It was clearly a boy's name, and not the kind of name that could be used interchangeably. She repeated a few times how she named me, and how it felt like I was trying to get rid of her or something by changing my name... It was clearly not a rational reaction. As we talked I tried to have as much patience as I could, assuring her that I was not doing this to spite her or her decisions in any way, it is merely who I am.

I found it kind of irritating that in this situation, I was the one effectively supporting her, rather than her being the one supporting me. I was the one coming out, and I was the one who needed support, and yet here she was arguing against me like I was trying to attack her or something. As we continued our conversation she eventually calmed down. Once the conversation had calmed she asked what I was going to do with my middle name.

"My middle name? Oh dear, my middle name... I have no idea, I honestly completely forgot about that! I'd want it to be basically the female version of what it currently is, just like my first name."

She suggested Elli. I completely agreed, and now that's what's on my driver's license. She felt happy that at least, on this second time around, she still got to give me my middle name.

Since then, she had a learning curve as she got used to this concept of gender being dynamic, and she's read articles and things to help her understand. Since I live with her, it's been a struggle as my hormones have created teenage drama, and we've had fights, but she understands more about who I am than she ever has before, and I feel like she's fully accepted me as her daughter. We've even had some moments of girl talk, and she's started consulting me on fashion choices. 

In the same way she has fought people on women's rights issues in the past, she is now ready to jump in as a transgender ally, armed with scientific articles when people spread LGBTQ hate speech.

Coming out to my neighbors

In my previous post I talked about how I lived in a co-housing community where all my neighbors knew each other and we wave and say hi as we're walking by, and it's all friendly and nice. In this neighborhood, word spreads fast, and rumours can form quickly as a result. I was seen a few times walking around while I was wearing my breast attachments. Now surprisingly enough, few people tended to notice. But it sparked some conversation, and I felt I needed to come out. I sent everyone in the community an email to clarify what was going on. 

Here is that email:

Subject: Everybody Please Read to Minimize Questions

Hello [neighborhood name]!

There's something that I am tired of hiding, and I wanted to give everybody a heads up so I don't catch people too off guard. Starting in about a week I'm going to stop covering up the boobs and feminine clothing I've been wearing when I walk around outside. I realize this is pretty blatant, but I'm still the same [my old name] you've all known, it's merely my appearance that has been changed slightly.

To answer some questions in advance, here's a small list of the why:

• Some days I feel more feminine, others I feel more masculine. That's just the way it is and I've decided to go with it.
• I do it to make myself more comfortable on the days where I feel more feminine.
• In order to make clients more comfortable, I will not wear them during my IT visits when I come to fix your computer (unless it is specified by the client as being okay).
• No, I do not plan on doing anything permanent. That would be unfair to the part of me that still feels masculine sometimes.
• Yes, it's perfectly fine to make all the bra-wearing jokes you wish while I'm around. I make them myself, and I appreciate a good joke so long as it has a light-hearted intent.

In retrospect, this would've made an excellent April Fools email because nobody would realize I'd be telling the truth, haha. Feel free to email me if you have additional questions, and I am going to wait about a week to ensure that everyone got this email before I stop hiding it.

And thank you to everyone who already knows! You've all been great, and I'm happy to have such accepting people in my neighborhood :)

-[my old name]

My email was pretty well received. There were a few neighbors who had sticks up their butts and found my breast attachments offensive, but the supportive people helped me shut them up. Once those people realized I'm not doing it for attention, or to insult women, they seemed to back off and look at me like a human being again. It's so strange how people can twist anything into a way to be offended...

By the time I was coming out as trans, I needed to send out another email to the community, so everyone would know I was changing my name and pronouns. This was that email:

Subject: My Name/Pronoun Change

Hello, [neighborhood name]!

A little over a week ago I came out as transgender on Facebook and declared my pronoun as female and my name as Josie. It occurs to me that I have forgotten to come out to the rest of [neighborhood name]!

So hi! I'm Josie. I'm trans female. I like fixing things, playing video games, being nerdy, and being fabulous ;)

I realize that name and pronoun changes can be pretty hard to get used to, especially for those who have known me for a long time. So I want to let it be known that I understand slip ups happen. I appreciate effort more than accuracy, so just the act of catching yourself, to me, makes up for the slip up.

A brief FAQ, because I'm sure there will be questions:

• Yes, I am starting hormone replacement.
• No, I have not yet come out as trans at work. But I am coming out to my boss this Monday, and it will likely be public as of next school year, rather than during the current school year. By that point my body will have made more physical changes from the hormones to make the transition a little less awkward.
• No, the name change is not legal yet. I plan to make it legal once I'm out as trans at work.
• No, I do not have plans for surgery at this time. I'm already doing hormones, so I figure I'll take this one step at a time. But being trans does not automatically mean you need to get surgery.
• Yes, I have given a great deal of long-term thought over the past 6 years to probably everything that is currently entering your minds as you read this.
• Yes, I'm pretty excited for these changes. I also acknowledge a fear surrounding such a large change, but with any kind of change of this magnitude, there's bound to be fear in there somewhere.
• Yes, you may ask me questions about this, as long as they are questions that are asked from a place of learning rather than a place of judgement. 

I'm proud of how many unique people in this neighborhood are comfortable being who they are. It's because of that that I am able to type this email in confidence that I live in a pretty accepting and fantastic place with awesome neighbors!

Please do not go to my mother to ask questions about me. She's not the one coming out as trans, I am.

Questions about things she's still figuring out herself is not something she needs right now.

-Josie

Considering the neighborhood had already seen me dressed as female more often than not at this point, my email was pretty well received, and I think everyone was pretty much expecting it. The only thing I had to deal with was repeating questions, which ultimately led to the creation of this blog. I got a bit tired of answering the same questions over and over and decided I'd just write the experience down and send them a link.

Some people just want to live their lives and not have to answer questions about their identity all the time. But it doesn't bother me, as long as the questions are coming from a place of genuine curiosity and not from a place of judgement. I answer people's questions, but I try to make sure to add that not all trans people would want to be this open. People shouldn't jump in and ask other trans people personal questions unless told that it's okay. Asking a trans person about their transition is kind of like asking someone to recount all the dirty details of their puberty. It's kind of personal and not really any of your business. But in my case, for the sake of education, I'm letting aspects my personal life out in the open. I'm weird like that.

Coming out to my dad

My last post ended when I said I came out to my dad. I bet some people are wondering how I went about doing that, especially because I talked about how he came from a Christian background. No offense to Christians, of course, I just mean to say that most who come from a Christian background tend not to consider trans people worthy of living, so I was scared of being disowned. It's depressingly common for dads to disown their children when they come out.

Just a reminder to those who've forgotten, my parents are divorced, and I don't live with my dad, so when I see him it's when I'm visiting him. Years before coming out to him as trans, I told him, albeit awkwardly, that I sometimes wear girl clothes, without including the word "gender" in my explanation. His initial reaction was this:

"Well, that.... Doesn't... Change the fact that I love you. Actually, wait a sec... Nope, still love you."

Yep, that's my dad... He cracked me up a little with that one. Considering his sense of humor, I'd say we're probably related. 

He seemed confused, but ultimately intending to be supportive, which was a relief. There were some uncomfortable silences that probably only lasted a few seconds, but to me felt like a few minutes. The bra thing weirded him out a little, I could tell... After that conversation, I proceeded to never wear girl clothing in front of him. I was too nervous. As the years went by, I'm sure he forgot our conversation. I was still scared of him seeing me that way, especially since I didn't really know how to explain myself to answer his inevitable questions.

For a trans girl, coming out to your dad is terrifying. Your dad is the symbol of masculinity in your life, and statistically speaking, the dad is the one who's going to have a harder time understanding any of it. He's more likely to be the one outraged by it, because of his lack of understanding. It's very easy for him to screw it up and crush you with hurtful words. 

When I came out to my dad a second time, this time knowing more about who I am and completely coming out as trans, I was too scared of talking to him directly. So I sent him an email. This was probably for the best anyway, because it meant he wasn't going to respond with his emotional reaction, and instead he'd have more time to mull it over before replying. 

Here's the email I sent to him:

Subject: Who I Am

I have something I feel I should talk about. Do you remember that time a few years ago when I told you I wear girl clothes? I'm realizing you've been on my Facebook page at this point, so chances are you've probably seen a picture of me dressed that way at this point.

I never dressed that way in front of you because I was nervous about your reaction. It can be strange to those who haven't been exposed to this at all in their lives, especially if it involves their children. Mom certainly had an undesirable reaction when she first saw it, but she was caught by surprise without an explanation. It's a side of me I wasn't sure you would be able to accept. So I told you about it, and then I left it at that, never bringing it up again, and not even giving you the chance to see what I'm talking about. I was afraid, and I felt like having told you once was enough, and it would be okay to just let you forget. That was wrong of me.

I was referring to myself as "gender fluid" back when I first mentioned this to you, because some days I felt more masculine and other days I felt more feminine. I would dress according to how I felt, and somehow dressing the way I felt made me feel a lot more comfortable and happy. It even helped relieve a lot of my anxiety and depression issues. Eventually it even made me feel more confident.

Gradually over time I felt the need to dress female more often. The days where I felt masculine were fewer than the days where I felt feminine. I began to feel like I was wearing a costume when I wore male clothes. This made me take another look at myself to ask myself who I really am.

It has been 6 years now since I started wearing girl clothes. 6 years of asking myself so many questions I never before even thought to ask. 6 years of significant self discovery, and of learning to accept a side of myself I have kept extremely secret for as long as I can remember.

So I have a whopper of a confession for you. I am transitioning to be female. I am transgender, and I have been responding to Josephia (Josie for short) and "she/her" pronouns. Mom seems to have been in denial about this and I don't think she's really accepted it yet, even though she's seen my development for the past 5 years. I think she thought it was some kind of phase. Keeping you in the dark has been wrong, and I believe the next time I see you I should present myself as I normally do, rather than disguise myself as a guy for you.

I'm sorry I waited so long to really tell you what's going on. It's hard to talk about and I was uncertain what was happening myself, so I felt I had to wait until I had solid answers to give.

You don't have to reply immediately; by all means take your time to process this information. You can talk about it with [my dad's girlfriend's name] if that helps you process it. Just know that I'm still your child, I still have a major knack for technology, I still love you, and this is mostly just my exterior that's changing, really. You are welcome to ask questions if you want, whenever you're ready.

-Josie

And here was his reply:

Dear Josie;

I took your suggestion and took some time to respond to your email. This is not a complete surprise because, as you said, I have been checking Facebook occasionally.

First and foremost, and above all, I will always love and support you. Having said that, I know you will understand that this is going to be a process for me.

I named you, gave you your first bath, and you have been my son for almost 27 years. I don't pretend to understand this, but I'm trying to learn. I want to learn about what you're going through, and how you feel. I know it took a lot of courage for you to write this email to me. I'm glad that you were so honest with me and let me know this is who you are and it's permanent.

I know it will be awkward and uncomfortable the next few times we are together. I understand you're the same person but in a sense this will be like meeting a stranger and  losing my son. Please have patience with me as we go through this transition because it's unfamiliar to me and it's huge and I am me.

You are my child. I will always love you and will do my best.

Love, Dad

This reply made my cry as I read it... My dad has been emotionally distant for most of my life, so seeing him open up his feelings toward me was very... I dunno, I can't think of a word for it. 

My dad saw me next at my 27th birthday, by which time I had been on hormone treatment for 1 month, and I was presenting as completely female 100% of the time without disguises. I even wore makeup to the party. We hugged, and we talked for a bit, but he never questioned me appearance and my being trans was never actually brought up. He treated me like the same person he's always known. And that's the way it's done.

Coming out to my brother:

Back before hormone treatment, when I was still figuring out why I liked wearing bras, I came out to my various friends in different ways. First I came out to my brother and his girlfriend when I stayed overnight at their house. This happened kind of on accident. I wore my bra to their house with a loose shirt, which worked well to cover up my chest. You'd be surprised how many people didn't notice I was wearing a bra. But I didn't fully intend to stay the night, so I had nothing to really change into. In the night I took off my shirt, revealing the tank top and bra that was underneath. My brother came out of his room the following morning, and I was just waking up on the couch as he was getting up. As I got up I realized I had taken my shirt off, and I became very self-conscious. I saw my brother's eyes dart down at my chest and back to my eyes, but his expression did not change in the slightest, and he proceeded to say:

"What you want for breakfast?"

Taken by surprise at his lack of reaction, I answer his question, and his girlfriend comes out of the room and sees me as he goes to the kitchen. She sees the bra and boobs and says something along the lines of, 

"Are you wearing a bra?"

I just reply something like,

"Er, yeah. It was Rae's."

And she proceeds to smile and exclaims,

"Ooh, I have some fancy sparkly stuff you should try on! Hang on, I'll go get it."

My brother, to this day, has never asked me a single question about my gender, and has never shown any form of emotional expression reaction from my physical change, unless prompted to by me pointing directly to my homegrown cleavage. Honestly, its rather odd, but also kind of refreshing. It just felt like blind matter-of-fact acceptance, and I wish more people in the world were like that. I'm just surprised that, over the course of 7 years now, he hasn't had any questions at all. The only issue with him has been his occasional slipping up on my pronouns after I changed them.

Coming out to a close male friend:

I came out as gender fluid to one of my closest friends and his family by showing up at their house wearing a tight shirt and bra. He wasn't home yet, but was expected any moment. My friend's dad noticed first, did a slow moving double-take, and stated while smiling, 

"I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut."

His mom clearly noticed, but said nothing while clearly forming questions in her head, probably trying to figure out the least offensive way to ask me why I had boobs. We had a nice visit in the meantime, regardless. When my friend showed up, his reaction was to look at me for a moment, give me his signature smile, and say 

"Nice rack."

I think I heard his mom in the kitchen almost do a spit take as that was being said. I explained how I was questioning my identity and everything, and once I started openly talking about it, everyone listened and was very supportive. None of them knew what they were doing in their attempts to be supportive, but I didn't know anything either, so we were all in the same boat.

When I came out to them as trans, I'm pretty sure they all totally saw it coming. It has taken them some getting used to using my new name and pronoun, but they have all been wonderfully supportive. The nature of my friendship with this friend has changed a little, but I think it's no less than it was before. And I think the good times we've had since I came out have been better for it, especially now that he's had time to process the concept of me being a girl.

Coming out to close female friend

I came out as gender fluid to another close friend one day as I was giving her and Rae a ride somewhere. I wore my bra into the car and waited until she noticed.

She never noticed...

Rae and I eventually started to mumble about how we were surprised she didn't notice yet, and then she asked what we were talking about. Rae blurted out:

"[My old name] is wearing a bra! You really don't see it? The seat belt clearly shows he's got boobs!"

I just burst out laughing as my friend looks over at me and sees what we're talking about. She looks at my chest, up at my face, glances again at my chest, and looks back out the windshield with a big supportive smile saying,

"I love you."

That pretty much summed up her whole reaction. She's been wonderfully supportive and nonjudgmental every step of the way. I suspect it helped that she had LGBTQ friends, and was part of that community herself.

Coming out to a close non-binary friend

Another of my close friends at the time declared that they wanted people to use they/them pronouns, which was an entirely new world to me. But I tried my best to respect their wishes, even if I didn't understand them, and didn't get any kind of explanation. 

I came out as gender fluid to this friend over text and they replied, 

"It's about time!"

Needless to say, this friend has been 100% supportive. Having seen that I wasn't cisgender from the beginning, they actually thought of me as being female long before I knew it myself.

I think that's about all the significant coming out stories I've got, not counting the workplace. But I'm saving that for another post... I apologize to those friends not listed here, but the rest of you just didn't make a funny enough story for me to tell, what with your blanket awesomeness and blatant acceptance. How dare you all be so nonchalant about it ;)

My advice about coming out...

I think that some of my experiences with coming out could have gone much worse had I not approached it from a place of understanding and patience. I fully expected some of these experiences to not go as well as they did, particularly the ones with my parents. And they would have gone far worse had I not had the patience to endure my mother's behaviour, and had I not told my dad to wait a while to process his feelings before responding. 

If I took their reactions at face value and responded with frustration and anger, it would just make them more frustrated and angry. I couldn't expect them to know exactly what to do, or even what the right reaction is. I can't expect them to get my pronouns and name correct 100% of the time immediately after our conversation any more than I could expect one of my students to get the material right on the homework after only being told the material once with not so much as a handout. 

They've never been through this, and they had no idea what it meant, felt like, or in my dad's case, even what it looked like. I had time to think it over, but it hit them all at once like a truck. Our mainstream TV media doesn't tell people how to properly respond to these kinds of situations, and my parents had never knowingly seen a trans person before, let alone spoken to one. Zero exposure means not knowing anything about it, and people are afraid of what they don't know. Fear is often met with anger and frustration.

It sucks. It's just one more issue in which the trans person has to be the bigger person. But one of us had to be the bigger person, and I was the only one among us who knew how to be the bigger person in this context. Therefore, I needed to have patience, and I needed to expect them to screw up, because they had no idea what they were doing. It's whether they continue to regularly screw up months after coming out... That's what determines if we have a problem. I always tell them that correcting themselves when using the wrong pronoun makes up for the slip-up, because it shows that an effort is being made. If I see no effort being made, it creates a rift between us, slowly destroying our relationship.

I guess that's all the advice I really have on that subject... Where it goes from there is up to them, because if you've been patient and understanding with them, you've kind of done all you can. It's their responsibility from there to approach the situation from a place of love. They might need reminding of that. Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, there is no guaranteed way to get acceptance from these situations... I wish there was. I deeply wish that people could find it in their hearts to love their children unconditionally.

Privilege check:

I fully realize how lucky I am that so many of my friends and family have been so supportive of me. I try not to take any of this for granted... It's hard to remember sometimes how lucky I am.

This is a reminder that anything I say on this subject comes from a place of privilege. I have not had to endure the experience of being kicked out of my house, or disowned by my family. I also recognize that everything I've ever said on my blog comes from another place of privilege, due to my being white. I know nothing about what this experience must be like for trans women of color, and I don't think there's any way I can know that experience. I don't pretend to fully understand what it must be like. People of color speaking about their personal experiences with trans issues, racism, or whatever, should be wholly listened to. It's not up to me to decide what this experience is like for them.