My Transition - The Big Reveal

Biological Content Material!

This is literally a post where I talk about what's happening to my genitals. If you don't want to hear about this stuff, you best not read ahead.

It feels so surreal. I'm not sure it's completely sunk in yet for me. It just feels like I have a really secure tuck, but when I look down I see a vulva. Logically I know that I no longer have a penis, but I've had a penis for so long that the concept of it not being there seems to take a while to process.

When the bandaging came off I felt different sensations. One bandage was stuck to my clitoris, so as it came off I yelped slightly as I felt it come loose. The doctor said that's very good, since that proves I have sensation already. It looks like I have a very good clitoral hood, despite my worries about having been circumcised and potentially not having the tissue for it. I'm eager to see how the clitoral hood and labia minora evolves over time as it all continues to heal, and as the swelling goes down.

I just went to pee for the first time. I sat down and tried to make sure the whole area was nice and open, but wow it just sprayed downward everywhere. Probably because the whole region is still very swollen. Lesson learned! At least all of it went into the toilet, so I'm calling this a win, even though I had to shower off my lower half afterward.

It's so weird having phantom feelings. As I type this I'm actively feeling something against my clitoris, but I checked and as far as I can tell there's nothing there. Maybe it's just rubbing against the hood? The whole area is swollen right now, so perhaps that's what's going on. I went to pee again, and I felt this weird sensation as though my urethra was in a different location. I knew where I was aiming, and I was actively looking at my vulva at the time, and yet the feeling of starting to pee felt like it was coming from a different location in my abdomen. So strange. Then as I was cleaning up with some flushable wipes I realized I had some sensation in my labia minora that felt like the shaft of my former penis. To make things even more confusing, I'd brush up against my clitoris while cleaning, and then I'd brush up against my urethra. I was actively recognizing they are in two very different locations, yet they felt as though they were in the same location. Such a strange sensation. I was fully prepared for this kind of neural mapping confusion, and I just find this so fascinating, I'm actually loving it. I wonder how long it will take for it to fade.

The day after my bandages were removed I gave into the temptation of curiosity and allowed myself to be slightly aroused, purely from the sounds of my partner in the room. There was no erection sensation. Instead, the whole area started to get a bit more swollen, and I felt a kind of pulse resonate around my clitoris. As the pulse began I felt a kind of electric rush flow upward to my chest and then up my back, and my breathing intensified. It was incredible, I haven't felt that kind of rush despite zero physical sensation before. I had to calm myself down when I realized my vulva was getting engorged on top of already being swollen. I can't wait until I'm given the clear to play with this for real!

My First News Article

Somehow I never posted a link on here to the Windows and Mirrors article I was in last year! I was interviewed for a column in a series of local newspapers. :)

http://www.redmond-reporter.com/opinion/proud-to-be-themselves-windows-and-mirrors/?amp

Social Bubbles

I'm noticing that rather than actually seeing the source of many issues, on Facebook I seem to instead see people's reactions to it.

For example, there's something going around with people raving about celebrity women who have lost weight during quarantine, and how they're "suddenly beautiful." All I'm seeing is the backlash of people saying they were beautiful before and losing weight didn't change that. 

I have no idea where this originated. If I cared I would Google it, but I have enough drama without TMZ toxicity in my life. People's reactions in my social bubble are on point though, at least.

I also never actually saw anyone actively blaming China for the plague. Not that I'm complaining - I'd have ripped them a new one myself if I did. I guess I'm proud nobody in my social bubble is that much of an asshole, so I never had to.

I just find it interesting that, unless I Google them, I never seem to see the sources on these things. Only the outrage itself, which I often agree with, reinforcing my confirmation bias on issues I've never even seen directly.  

I rarely have my opinions indirectly challenged by seeing someone else's posts, so I have to seek out ways to debate issues I believe myself to feel too strongly about. But I often have to do that outside my social bubble or I'd risk hurting my friends. If I didn't directly ask someone to come up with a really good counterargument to my beliefs, I would not likely ever get or otherwise see one. 

I don't always want one though - I'm not always in the mood to expand my mind. Sometimes I just want to relax like everyone else. But I do like to know when I am wrong. It can be difficult to fight the gut reaction of anger when a firmly held belief is being questioned, but I think it's important to ask ourselves why we react with anger rather than curiosity.

Seeing how this works in this context, it's easy for me to imagine how conservatives have their confirmation bias reinforced, never seeing the sources directly before seeing hundreds of media and friends' opinions. This doesn't make them right, but it also doesn't necessarily make liberals right either. We are products of a system that only shows us what we want to see, just like everyone else.

What we choose to do with this information is what tells us whether we're truly part of the problem that polarizes our society. Will we critically think about our media exposure and search for sources to develop our own opinions? Or will we continue to allow others' reactions to shape our opinions for us?

This has been thought experiments with Josie. My statements are not fact, they are merely observations and opinions formed within the bias of my mind, as usual. ;)

My Transition - Bathroom Lament

From January 20th:

Now has come the time for the dreaded bathroom event. O how I hath feared this day; to excrete dark matter whilst my genitals are bandaged and stitched... 'Tis not an experience I cherished to bear.

The pain. O, the pain... A stool softener, perhaps, I should have consumed in anticipation of this moment. Perhaps if length enough I sit, it shall pass of its own accord. Lo, how the powers of spinal anesthetic have hardened this process. Though how much worse it might have been had I taken oxycodone? I may call myself lucky, bittersweet, though, the luck may be.

Alas, the end is nigh! Progress is made! Good things come to those who wait, and patience is, indeed, a virtue devoutly to be wish'd.

I am victorious! Such relief! Pomp and Circumstance sounds from the other room - I have graduated! I can finally acclaim... That my first post-op movement of the bowels is complete.

My Transition - The Big Surgery, Part 5

I'm writing this after the surgery happened because I was far too loopy to write this during recovery. The following events happened on January 17th, 2020.

The day had come! I was not allowed to eat or drink anything, so no breakfast for me. I brushed my teeth, my parents had breakfast, and we went out the door.

When we got to the hospital we walked to the surgery center, and shortly after I was called into a back room. My partner, CJ, came with me. The nurse instructed CJ to wipe me down with antibacterial wipes - arms, chest, groin, butt, but not my legs, apparently, because I shaved them within the last two weeks. I used the bathroom real quick, realizing I better not have a full bladder when they administer the anesthetic. When I was done I wrapped up in the hospital gown that so gloriously shows off my butt.

I sat on the table and a nurse came in to put in the IV, and the anesthesiologist came in to say hi and get a couple of my signatures for consent. The nurse giving me the IV actually offered to numb my hand, which was very helpful! That made the whole process a lot more bearable! She did everything with far more expertise than anyone else I've had, and as a fun bonus, she also reminded me of a friend of mine.

After cracking plenty of jokes, because apparently my reaction in these situations is to become hilarious, it came time to wheel me off. I was given what the anesthesiologist called "happy time" medications through my IV. This is where things get fuzzy, and my jokes became very nonsensical... He claimed I wouldn't remember even being wheeled out of the room, and he was mostly correct, except that I do remember the act of being wheeled out, and I remember CJ recording a video.

(I had to upload this one to YouTube because the file size was too big)

As shown in the video, CJ wasn't allowed to follow me into the next room. In that room I think I got onto another table, and the anesthesiologist told me to bend over forward as I sat. I had a couple of pokes at the base of my spine, which caused me to yelp rather more loudly than I expected I would. It didn't hurt that badly, it just was a very strange and somewhat shocking sensation. I remember another nurse saying he's on a roll today, because I guess he administered my anesthetic impressively fast.

I remember nothing else after that except waking up in another bed with very heavy eyelids hearing nurses talking around the room. I tried to open both eyelids, but the double vision was very real, so I closed my left eye in order to at least see what was around me. Keeping even just my right eye open was quite a chore. If I remember correctly, this was the exchange I had with the nurse overseeing my recovery,

"CJ... Huh? Oh, hello."

"Hi, how you doing?"

"I'm coming about. Is CJ here?"

"Not yet, we'll bring you to your family soon."

"Oh good. I want to make sure he knows I'm okay."

As I was laying there, loopy as heck, I overheard some other nurses talking about some personal stuff. One was apparently having a very rough day, and had to deal with some very tough patients. So I spoke loudly enough for them to hear,

"Remember to breathe! You're doing admirable work! I appreciate you, even if your patient doesn't! I hope tomorrow is a better day!"

She replied, "I have tomorrow off, so it will definitely be better."

I said, "Well there you go, treat yourself to something nice!"

The other nurse she was talking to chuckled a bit, and so did my nurse. I recognized how funny this must've been for them, considering I'm crazy loopy and barely awake. My nurse asked why I only had one eye open. I replied,

"Because I can't see straight in 3D, so I have to limit myself to 2D, otherwise everything is double vision. I can open my other eye for you, though, to prove I can."

I opened my left eye and closed my right. She seemed to want both open at once, so I indulged her for a moment, then closed them again saying it was making me motion sick to have both open with double vision.

After a bit of waiting, the double vision gradually got better, and I was wheeled to the waiting area to be reunited with my family. I asked CJ to record a quick video for Facebook, to let everyone know I was okay.

We all went up the elevator to a floor I'd never been to and I was wheeled in to my hospital room. This room was actually quite nice! It had some decent furniture, cool remote controlled lights, and the bathroom was huge.

Asian Noodle Stir-fry

I had room service, and the food was surprisingly good. I wish I got pictures of the bathroom, but I did get pictures of the food.

Chicken Caesar Salad

Unexpectedly, after my delivery to this room, they had me stand up off my portable hospital bed and walk to my new bed. I was not expecting to stand up until at least two days from then, but I guess they wanted to make sure my legs worked, and they wanted to kickstart my body to remind it that I'm alive. They told me I had to walk again later that night after dinner, so I should rest up and prepare for that.

Later that night, with the help of holding onto my IV pole, I managed to walk around the loop of rooms on that floor. I wasn't expecting I could walk that far, but I guess I surprised myself, just as the nurse said I would.

We got back to my hospital bed and I figured out an effective way to sit back down without hurting myself by balancing my thigh against the arm of the bed as leverage. I was pretty tired after that walk. I asked CJ if they would be willing to sleep with me that night so I wasn't alone, and they said yes. As my parents were leaving for the night my dad came over and kissed me on the forehead, which is something I don't think he had done since I was somewhere around 3 or 4 years old. <3

I was awoken every few hours during the night for pain medication and antibiotics, and to drain my catheter bag. After breakfast and lunch, my parents showed up and I did another walk around the loop of rooms. Dr. Stiller came in that afternoon to ask if I felt good enough to head back to my Airbnb. I said yes, as long as it means I get to have my IV taken out. And so my IV was taken out! I went back to my Airbnb that evening with blood bags and a catheter hanging from the wrappings of my abdomen.

And thus begins my recovery! Every 3 hours I alternate in taking 600mg of ibuprofen and 975mg acetaminophen, every 6 hours I take 300mg of gapabentin, and every 12 hours I take 400-80mg of sulfamethoxazole-trimethoprim with a probiotic.

Further updates as events warrant. ;)

My Transition - The Big Surgery, Part 4

Sexual Content Material!

Just a mention of me having sex. That's it. If that bothers you, you can just skip paragraph 9.

We made it over the mountain pass, just barely! It closed right after we passed over the summit, and they allowed us to keep going. We eventually made it to the Airbnb and set up all my dietary needs and stuff. 

My pre-op appointment was the next day. As we were getting ready to go to that appointment, I got a call saying I was late for another pre-op appointment, to check me in with the hospital. I was never told about that appointment, so that was a lovely surprise. We went to the hospital and, with the help of Dr. Rick from Dr. Stiller's office, we found the right place for my check-in.

They had me confirm my identity repeatedly, spell out my full name repeatedly, and then they put an identification bracelet on my wrist. I had to wear that bracelet through until I was discharged from the hospital. Then I was taken to another room to answer a bunch of medical questions and have some blood tests. They needed to have a good sample handy in the of chance I needed a transfusion. I hate blood tests, and I've been really bad about feeling faint during them lately... Luckily I didn't pass out.

I was then taken to another room where we finalized a bunch of stuff, asked more medical questions, and then I was given instructions for how to prep for the surgery.

Immediately after they let me go, I went to the Stiller Aesthetics office for my pre-op appointment with them. During this appointment I was told how to prepare for my surgery with information that contradicted the hospital. Dr. Stiller appears to have a different way of doing things, and I was plenty okay with that, because his instructions were far easier to follow. We went over the risks involved with the surgery again and I got to have some more questions answered. 

Unfortunately I do not remember all of my questions, but I do remember getting to ask Dr. Stiller directly about whether I could, after both my surgeries are fully healed, take my progesterone vaginally, the same way I take it anally. He said that since we're using intestinal tissue it actually makes sense that that would work. Not only that, but because of the part of the intestine that's used in the surgery, it would most likely absorb more effectively than doing it anally. But, of course, he said I should consult with my primary care doctor before doing anything like that.

Dr. Stiller came out to meet my parents and answer any questions they had, and then we took off to buy some antibacterial soap for my pre-surgery shower and some Ensure to bulk up with protein that night, as he said it has immensely helped his patients recover faster.

The night before my surgery everyone was nervous. I was so anxious, and my partner, CJ, was shaking. We tried to watch funny videos to distract everyone, and that worked for a while. I was nervous to take my pre-surgery shower because it kind of symbolized that I was really going through with it. CJ and I shared many tearful moments this night as they told me so many reasons why they love me, and how I need to keep being stubborn and strong, and to not let this beat me. They added that if I die, they'll bring me back so they can kill me themself. We cried together as I said there's no way that will happen. I couldn't think about that possibility... The thought was too terrifying.

After my shower we cuddled together in my room and talked for a while. Talking lead to some... Other activities. CJ became the last person I will ever have penetrative sex with - at least with me being the penetrator. We did it one last time, for the sake of the physical closeness, and hugged each other close for a while as we both finished. I couldn't have asked for a better final experience than that, it felt like something out of a romance novel.

... That is until I realized I had just compromised my sterile shower, so I had to go back and shower with the antibacterial soap again. 😅

CJ and I cuddled for a while again before going to sleep in different beds. I slept alone because I had to wake up at various times of the night to drink Gatorade and Ensure, so I wasn't about to get any consistent sleep. I sometimes wonder if they do this on purpose to make me tired for the anesthetic. In any case, I did everything exactly as I was ordered to. I hadn't peed that much since I was on spironolactone...

My Transition - The Big Surgery Part 3

Biological Content Material!

This is literally a post where I talk about what's going to happen to my genitals. If you don't want to hear about this stuff, you best not read ahead.

My surgery is in two days. As I get closer and closer to the day of the surgery, I find myself contemplating many things, and I am becoming very nervous.

I'm nervous that we might not make it over the mountain pass on our way to Spokane. I'm nervous that I'm going to do something wrong in the days leading up to my surgery, and that they're going to have to cancel or delay it. I'm nervous that I'm going to run into logistics issues, and that they're not going to include the tracheal shave at the same time. I'm nervous that insurance is going to let me down and stick me with a hopeless amount of debt. I'm nervous about the IV, because I hate IVs. I'm nervous about the anesthesia, because being put out is a scary concept.

But I'm finding that not only am I nervous about these things, I'm also nervous about the surgery itself. There's a voice in the back of my head asking, "What are you getting yourself into?" I find myself contemplating what could go wrong, and if going through with this is worth it. I find myself thinking, what if something horrible went wrong and I didn't wake up? I finally love myself, I'm finally happy with my life, for the most part. I don't want to lose that. Is this surgery worth risking my life over?

Why am I going over this again? I already came to the conclusion that it is worth the risk. I fought for over two years to make this happen. I clearly want it, I know I want it. I'm so certain that when this is all over I'm going to be ecstatic.

This feeling I have is so similar to the way I felt when I was starting hormone replacement therapy, except that this surgery is going to involve a lot of pain and recovery, and hormone therapy didn't really require any of that. Well, except for the breast pain, I suppose. But I doubt that will compare.

If it does compare, you know I'll be describing that in my post-op blog post...

This almost feels like having to come out to myself again. It's like having to build up my resolve, to remind myself that it's okay to have doubts. People who are happy with having a penis typically don't complain about their bulge constantly. They typically don't tuck it every day. Not having to tuck my genitals and not having to worry about how flat the area is will be incredible... Not having that on my mind ever again... Because it always is. It's always there in the back of my head, that worry that someone is going to see bulge and use that as an excuse to treat me like garbage.

It's not just about other people though. For the most part people will still treat me that way. They'll probably see bulge simply because they're looking for it, whether it's there or not. Those people will always treat me like garbage, and I can't expect that to change from this surgery.

No, this is for me. This is about me. This is something I want. I don't want the option of peeing standing up. I want to have to wipe my front every time I pee. I don't want to ever feel an erection again unless it's someone else's. I want to be able to feel comfortable in yoga pants. I want to have a clitoris. I want a vulva. I want everything that comes with having those body parts, for myself, not for the satisfaction of other people.

Although it would be pretty self-satisfying to use my vulva as ammunition against people who claim I'm not a woman, that is not the reason I am willing to take this risk. I am taking this risk because I want this. Having this will make me happy, even when I am by myself and other people aren't a factor whatsoever. This would make me happy even if I weren't in a relationship. This would make me happy even if I had no friends, and even if everyone in the world had no idea I was trans. This is going to feel right, and I will probably look back at how nervous I am right now and laugh at how cute it was that I ever doubted myself.

Doubts are okay. Doubts are a normal reaction to anything scary. This is scary, and that's okay. I knew it was going to be. Being scared doesn't mean this is the wrong decision. I'm scared because I love myself, and I know what I'm about to put myself through. But I'm also entering into this decision because I love myself.

Well anyway, I think that about sums up my pre-surgery thoughts. I will try to document as much of the actual experience as I can. Next up will be the pre-op appointment and surgery aftermath.