The Comments Section, Part 12 (Ruby and Sapphire)

I saw a post on Facebook that was titled, "10 Modern Kids Shows with Awesome Queer Characters." On the front was Ruby and Sapphire, from Steven Universe. I was curious about the comments, so I took a look, and I ended up typing a rather long response to one of them.

The comment:

Ruby and Sapphire weren't actually a good example.  The concept of their relationship (Garnet) was much more dimensional than their actual relationship.  Whenever they are apart, all they want is to be back together to the point that they can't function on their own.

The only thing that kept them apart of their own free will was essentially blind rage, but once they got shocked out of it immediately jumped back together.  Heck, even their first fusion was an accident but only stood together because they liked the way it felt, rather than out of any actual love.

Even if fusion is a metaphor for a relationship, each time it occurs its more akin to addiction.  Lapis is the only one who acknowledges how unhealthy it is having experienced it herself.

My reply:

Fusion is not a metaphor for relationships, it is a metaphor for sex. Combining the light projections of two gems together into one, literally being one with your partner. The closest we have, as humans, to that experience is during sexual intercourse. We literally say to our partners, "I want you inside me."

It's not necessary for one to feel love in order to have sex. Jasper forced fusion on other gems, effectively raping them. Pearl used Garnet for fusion because of the rush it gave her, thereby losing Garnet's trust, just as anyone who's been unknowingly used for sex would feel. But Ruby and Sapphire love each other so much that they have a stable and constant, harmonious fusion. Unlike Lapis and Jasper, which was basically hate sex. The only time Garnet breaks apart, without being poofed, is when they strongly disagree with each other, thereby causing discord in their harmony as one.

When Garnet was first (deliberately) formed, she was hued in the colors of the transgender flag. Rose told Garnet to never question why she felt being together in that way was so right, even when society viewed fusion of two different gems to be very wrong. She went on living her life in the form she knew she was supposed to be.

If a trans person ran out of hormone medication, the time in between getting their refill would probably feel similar to what Garnet feels when she's split up. Sure, you could call it a fear, but it's more than that. It's a deep sense that something is wrong, and that you're not who you should be.

Ruby and Sapphire are two halves of a whole, and it's blatantly demonstrated in the show (particularly during the baseball episode) that it's not fear of being apart that brings them together, it's the love they feel for each other. And it's that same love that caused them to fuse in the first place.

Ruby, Sapphire, and Garnet are a conversation about a sex positive relationship powered by love and communication. It is also about being yourself, regardless of outside opinions, just as most trans people have to face.

*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 9

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sexual Content Warning!

I talk about my sexual body parts and their functions in this post, and I make references to my sex life. If you don't want to hear about this stuff in detail, you best not read ahead.

Trigger warning for depression and dysmorphia!
There is mention of self harm in this post, and I was feeling particularly dysphoric this month.

Month 9 - December

Handshakes make me uncomfortable. More so now than before my transition. Do women do handshakes? Is it a regular thing for a parent to give a handshake to a female teacher? I have seen people offer handshakes to male teachers, but I don't recall if I've seen people do that to my female co-workers. 

If it is normal for women to receive handshakes in this way, what is the standard social expectation for women's handshakes? Are they supposed to be firm? Am I even supposed to shake in the same way? How does any of this work?

I don't know anything about this. But when people hold their hand out to shake my hand, it just... I'll shake their hand, but... I dunno, it just feels weird. I've never really liked hand shaking, and now I have no idea if I'm shaking people's hands like a "guy" and being clueless about it. I've been trained all my life to do various things like this in a certain way, and now I have no idea what I'm doing, and I have to make this stuff up as I go, hoping I don't look like an idiot.

But as I think about this, I recall many people telling me that I've done lots of things in a fairly feminine way before I even came out, so... I guess I have that going for me. I saw my dad during this month and spent some time with him, and he said at some point while we were talking that my coming out as trans made more sense the more he thought about it. There were so many things I did that didn't quite fit right, and in the context of my being a woman, it all fits together. The tea party picnics on the front lawn with my stuffed animals, various body movement habits, my pinkie sticks out when I hold drinks with my right hand, I have a kind of prancing bounce to the way I move, I didn't like going camping because there were no toilets... The list goes on. That was kind of cool to hear from him. Before leaving his house, I had a somewhat teary eyed moment of thanking him for his support. Even if he has no idea what he's doing, he's accepting me as I am, and that's more than a lot of trans girl's fathers do...

Being my ninth month into hormone therapy, I have been making pregnancy jokes, saying my transition has been long enough to have a baby. This is, of course, to cover up the pain regarding the fact I'm sterile and barren... If you've read my post, "The Other Life I Lived," you'll know the deeper meaning behind this pain. I don't want children at this point in my life, but I do wish I had the capability to bear them. This was the hardest part of the decision to start hormone therapy, and is probably the only thing I have that I could possibly call a regret. But if I had children the other way, by freezing my semen, it would still not be the same as bearing them myself. So calling this a regret is probably inaccurate. It's not that I would have wanted children... It's that I would like to be able to have them as a woman. Killing off my sperm through hormone therapy doesn't really change anything in that regard, I guess.

A trans friend of my boyfriend killed herself during this month. It was a harsh reminder of how lucky I am to have a supportive and loving community. So many trans people don't get to have what I have. So many trans people are kicked out of their homes, rejected and disowned by their families, fired from their jobs, not hired because of who they are, and/or otherwise turned into outcasts by the society that surrounds them. It's very easy to be depressed as a trans person. It's very easy to feel like the world is against you, even when you have a loving and supportive community. And it's very easy to lose your self worth from the lack of support and the overwhelming amount of hate that is directed at you.

But you know what? In the face of all that hatred that causes me so much self-loathing, I can't harm myself. I felt really depressed during my 8th month, and you know what stopped me from cutting my arm? The fact that my arms are freaking beautiful, and so goddamn soft. I don't want to leave a scar on these works of art! You know what I did right after that? I looked down at my chest. Yeah, I'm rockin' with these arms, these legs, these boobs, 'dis booty, and I've got friggin' hips, girl!

My transition isn't even a full year in, and I look at my body and love it, so much. It's me. This is what I've wanted, and I'm not even done. I'll likely never be completely done, but I'm still physically developing. I'd say my body is around girl-puberty age 16 at this point, and damn I love it.

I've been working hard on my voice. I haven't mentioned my voice at all during any of the previous months because it hasn't really changed much from the hormones, if at all, from what I can tell. 

That's right, estrogen hormone therapy does not change your voice. Testosterone changes your voice, but once changed, estrogen cannot change it back. Only vocal training from a voice pathologist can do that, or an extremely risky vocal surgery.

That being said, my voice has changed a bit, but only because I've been attempting to train it myself. I looked into voice pathology to get a trainer, but I can't find anyone who's covered by my insurance, so I did a bunch of research online and consulted an LGBTQ support group. In an effort to train my voice to sound more feminine, I'm analyzing Bubblegum Eurodance music as I drive to work. Not only do I get to rock out like a teenage girl while I drive, but I get to sing along in an attempt to prepare my voice to speak in a higher register when I get to my classroom. I mix up the music sometimes, but the main point is that the music needs to push my upper octave range a little each time.

One of the trans support groups I'm in on Facebook introduced me to an app called Voice Pitch Analyzer. You speak into it by reading what it shows you on the screen, and it shows you where it falls on the frequency range, with a gauge that shows typical male and female ranges. When I first spoke into this app, I fell so low in the male range that I cried, and later that night had a panic attack. It felt like all my hard work all this time was for nothing, and that my voice training was a lost cause... It still feels like that sometimes, honestly... It's a very sensitive topic, and a talking point during therapy.

But there's more to this than just pitch, it's also how you use your voice. Men have a tendency to raise their voices to be louder when they're not being heard, and women have a tendency to raise their pitch more than their volume in the same circumstances. Men tend to sound more mono-toned on average when they talk, and women tend to sound somewhat more melodic, with varying pitches and notes. I'm trying to find my musical style, in a way, with my voice. I've also noticed that I require more oxygen to speak when I'm controlling my voice to sound more feminine.

So I'm analyzing music that has tones and musical patterns that I like, and within the mentality of the sounds of those songs that I sing along with, I try to replicate it when I talk. I think, after a few months now, it has been slowly making a difference.

I recorded a video of myself telling a story last month, and when I watched the video back, I looked at my body language and my voice patterns. I actually sounded a lot more feminine than I thought I would, and the way I moved my head and arms and neck wasn't masculine at all! If I didn't know I was trans, and I was watching this video from a completely neutral perspective, I think I'd just assume that the person in the video was a woman.

That made me so happy, I had to rewatch the video again. And again... I probably watched it about 6 times...

Despite all of the progress I'm trying to make with my voice though, I can't help but wish, in the back of my mind, that my voice was never changed by testosterone. I had a very feminine voice as a child, before my first puberty. I was "mistaken" for a girl many times back then because of my long hair and feminine voice. If I could've kept that voice, I would be able to sing perfectly in the same octaves as these Bubblegum Eurodance singers...

But that's all in the past, and the past can't be changed. I have to work with what I have where I am right now, in the present. And gender aside, I have a talented and capable voice, and a good ear for music. I am blessed to have musical talent enough to teach myself these vocal exercises, and I should be appreciating that, not living in memories of things I don't have. Making wishes does nothing, but this... This will make some progress happen.

I wish I could live by the last paragraph, but really, I get depressed rather often about my voice. I just do the training by singing with the music and counting to ten multiple times, and then I just... Try not to think about it as best I can from then on, while I continue to try and speak in a more feminine tone...

Here's something I wish I had thought of ages ago: using a heating pad to relieve breast pain during my cycles. Seriously, it works so well, I don't understand why I never thought of it. My sister-in-law told me about it. 

During our holiday dinner, I had my first experience having my thighs stick to a chair while wearing a skirt with no leggings. I dunno, I just felt like that was worth mentioning for some reason.

Shortly after that, I realized that because of the fat redistribution in my body, different parts of my body get cold faster. My thighs are usually just fine, but with the loss of muscle mass in my upper body, it feels like I get cold faster. And here I expected my boobs to help keep me warmer than this. They're just sacks of sweaty fat in the summer and lumps of cold in the winter. I see how it is.

...I'm sorry, boobies. I didn't mean it. You know Josie loves you <3

Somehow my estradiol prescription got cancelled on me during this month. Luckily I managed to catch it beforehand I ran out of patches, but I was down to 2 left in my box... That was kind of close. I don't know how that happened, because I'm supposed to be on these for the rest of my life. Nothing should have cancelled these. It's important to keep on top of this stuff! I was afraid my insurance wasn't going to cover it anymore or something. But everything's fine now! My doctor straightened it out, whatever it was...

In an online trans community, I heard about some kind of toxicity involved in taking spironolactone, and some supposed controversy in the trans community about using it? I'm very confused. All the significant info I could find after doing research and consulting my doctor was that spiro has a risk of high potassium toxicity, and my doctors have been monitoring my blood to test for that. My blood tests show my potassium is within normal ranges, and unless other people's blood tests are showing issues, I don't see the problem... Obviously there's a list of less common side effects, but those are not only rare, they apply to people with other medical conditions that I display no signs of. Let people take the meds that work for them, rather than dictate what they should and should not do... Not everyone's body works like yours. We have enough stigma in this society as it is without creating or own to divide ourselves...

Anyway, let's talk about my sex life! I apparently taste slightly sweet now, with a hint of bitter, similar to grapefruit. So that's a thing. Probably has to do with all the grapefruit and citrus I'm eating. But seeing as my ejaculate is completely clear now with no hint of white, I imagine the lack of sperm probably also has something to do with that as well.

I'm continuing to contemplate surgery... I did some more research on orchiectomy procedures. I hear that some surgeons refuse reassignment surgery if you've had an orchi, because of the reduction in tissue they have to work with, so that makes me nervous. I'm so sick of having testicles, and reassignment surgery just seems so far away, and it's so expensive, and... I wish I had some help with this from someone who knows what they're doing...

Honestly though, it's not just the testicles. As long as I'm going in to get an orchiectomy, I might as well just get a vaginoplasty instead. I know I want one, so why go through two surgeries when I could just get it all done with one? My "downstairs region" is giving me a great deal of dysmorphia again, and it jumpstarted my depression. My anxiety has been awful in the latter half of this month due to various personal life stuff, but having this on top of that certainly doesn't help.

I did some more research into a new vaginoplasty operation where they use tissue from the peritoneum to line the vaginal wall, instead of scrotal tissue. This is a great way for people who have had orchiectomies to get a successful vaginoplasty, but also it means a potentially more realistic vagina. The lining would be naturally hairless, smoother, moist, pink, and it wouldn't develop an armpit smell, because it's using skin that's already naturally meant to be inside your body. It's only been performed 30+ times, but I'm honestly really tempted, and after doing a bunch of research on this doctor, I think he's brilliant and talented... I sent him an email to inquire about this. According to Washington State law, I'm not supposed to be able to get a vaginoplasty until I've been on hormone therapy for at least a year, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can't start planning it.

I know I said a couple months ago that I was going to wait, but... This procedure sound good, and... Having a penis is really bothering me. Seriously. And the erection pain issues just remind me that I hate having erections. Every time I cross my legs, I'm reminded that I have something between them. Every time I use the bathroom I feel self conscious about the sound it makes. Every time I masturbate I wish I didn't have to hold it still for the vibrator to stay on the right spot... I don't want it anymore. I want this thing gone. I want a vagina. 

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• ... [My boyfriend] got me fancy new boots after going shoe shopping, and I'm considering this a kind of milestone.
• I have awkward moments now where I catch someone staring at me, but I'm not sure if they're staring because they noticed I'm trans, or if they're checking me out.
• Seriously, just because you haven't personally been exposed to openly transgender people doesn't mean they hadn't existed before. The internet is just making it harder to ignore them.
• If any of you are interested in how my experience starting hormone therapy went, and you're not super weirded out by reading about body changes, I have finished the introduction blog post that tells the story of starting my transition. [Pro tip: the site looks far better on a desktop rather than a phone or tablet]
  
  I'm writing this blog series mostly so I can share it with the trans communities on various websites, because there is so little accurate detailed information out there. I tried to find information before I started my transition, but there was so little, and people tend to not like talking about it. Especially not in detail. I didn't know the true scale of what I was getting into, and nobody seemed able to lay it out for me. Maybe this will help someone else out there who's in a similar situation!
  
  I'd have liked to know the true scope of everything first, but I have zero regrets, and I'm loving the journey. I'm at my 9th month now, and I still get giddy when I see myself in a mirror sometimes.
• If you ask if I'm okay, and I say I'm feeling down, and you press further and ask why, and I say my voice is bothering me... Please stop saying my voice sounds fine, or that there are other women out there with voices like mine.
  
  I hear my voice broadcasted through speakers every day at work; I know what it sounds like. The sound of my voice is wrong. It is not what it should be. Telling me that I am incorrect about that doesn't help.
  
  It's bad enough when a student tells me I sound like a boy... I know I do, kid. And you sound like a girl. Wanna trade?
  
  So yeah, please stop saying my voice sounds fine, and please stop saying that plenty of other women have my vocal range. Just say "I'm sorry you're having a rough day," and move onto another topic that requires me to talk less. Contradicting me just makes me feel worse.
  
  In case you haven't noticed, my voice is a sensitive topic for me... All that being said, randomly complimenting my singing is welcome! Compliments are great, as long as they're genuine.
• I've officially sent my first email to a reconstructive surgeon inquiring about the use of peritoneum tissue in affirmation surgery.

Left side without makeup and no bra. Right side with makeup... Also with no bra. Just an A cup, but lovin' the natural boobage ^_^

You can view the Month 10 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 8

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

Pretty much the whole first half of this post talks about my genitals. If you don't want to learn detailed information about the happenings of my lower loins, you best not read ahead.

Trigger warning for dysphoria: this post has some sensitive details that could be uncomfortable, and it mentions surgery.

Month 8 - November

I spent so long trying not to look at my genitals that it became fairly second nature to live in denial about their appearance. But at the beginning of this month, while trying to give myself a full erection to stretch out the area again (it's still painful), I looked. And I got caught off guard, because something was definitely different.

It's somehow bent in a subtle ~ shaped wave, aimed to the left in a way it definitely wasn't before. And during those "blood pump" moments, when it gets harder and pops up for a moment, it moves differently. It used to curve up, like a banana. Now it aims up, but at an upward diagonal angle, curving downward at the tip. It's like it contorts in a weird way due to being too small to hold the erection blood. I didn't think it shrunk THAT much, but I guess a small change can make a big difference.

This is such a pain in the butt. I hate erections. This whole experience just makes it more complicated to have sex. It's bad enough that the mood gets killed sometimes just from my desire to have a vagina, now I have to be reminded of what I have "downstairs" every time, because it hurts when I get turned on.

This whole thing just reinforces my desire to not have one of these anymore. But unfortunately, after doing more research into surgery, I realize I should wait until more methods are developed and perfected. I want my future vagina to have all the bells and whistles, as close to a natural one as possible. It will probably be stupidly expensive, but I will settle for no less, considering it will affect the rest of my life...

Luckily, after some practice over the course of this month and some more frequent "stretching" of the area from giving myself periodic erections, sex has become less painful. Looks like those random erections guys get are for a reason. This condition I have, from what I understand, is called penis atrophy, where the whole thing, inside and out, shrinks from lack of use. I am certainly not a doctor, so I can't really go into any more detail than that, but this gives me a label for it. And you know how we humans love to label things.

My facial hair seems to be continuing to thin out, but at the same painfully slow pace as ever... My emotions are all over the place once a month, but I think I'm getting the hang of it a bit more. Under stressful situations I'm learning to speak in more calm a voice, and when I'm feeling depressed I am able to let myself cry, within reason. It helps a lot.

My food cravings continue to surprise me, and feel more linked to emotional satisfaction, particularly while in a bad mood. I have a need to keep Nalley Garlic Dill Pickes in the fridge at all times, because you don't want to get in the way of me and my pickles when I'm having a craving. I've been craving a lot of salty foods. One of the weirdest combinations of foods I've eaten lately was chicken sausage gumbo with sherry vinegar and salt, with a side of chips and salsa, and a bowl of pickles doused in grapefruit juice.

Grapefruit juice is almost like the new lemons for me. It's so freaking good, omg... I've invented a new drink that I call the Josie Sunset. It's sparkling lemon/lime water with added fresh lemon and lime juice, grapefruit juice, and a tiny amount of raspberry syrup. It's looks like a pretty sunset until you stir it. My mom tried a sip of it today and made a skrunched up sour face, saying, "Dear god, that's too sour!" I took my drink back and took another sip. I have no idea what she's talking about, it actually tasted like it needed more lemon to me.

Clearly my body is desperately craving Vitamin C and salt for some reason. I'm just rolling with it. So much citrus...

By the end of this month, my boyfriend said after nearly two weeks of not seeing me, my areolas looked larger than before. Most of the time my left boob is larger than my right, by a large enough amount for me to notice, but I'm not sure other people would see a difference without being told to look for it. But my nipples growing with a large enough difference to notice within only two weeks is pretty interesting to hear about.

Upon closer inspection at my chest one day after a shower, I began to notice veins that I'm pretty sure weren't there before, or at least weren't visible. They ran across my chest, gathering at my nipples. What a weird thing to suddenly notice. I don't know if this is only being noticed now because my transition changes are making it easier to spot, or if these veins are actually new. If they're new, that would certainly explain the constant amount of pain I felt during my first few months. At this point the pain is periodic, rather than constant.

Now this is going to sound really weird, but I've started noticing more often a smell of vagina when I don't shower. Honestly, I was going to bed one night and caught a whiff of it. I thought it was a smell that had to have been from someone else's clothes in the room, but no, it was coming from my panties. The body odor that comes from "downstairs" smells female. Also, my pee sometimes even smells like vagina pee somehow. My armpits, however, when I don't have a shower for too long, smell like curry. Depending on how much I sweat, curry that's gone off a little, but always curry. This is a detail that no doctor has ever prepared me for, or suggested in any way was possible. The curry smell may be largely related to my diet, but the vagina smell? I don't think so... Is that even normal? 

My face has begun to look feminine enough to where, without makeup, I can look at myself in a mirror and see a female. Kind of. The subtle facial hair shadow still really bothers me, and I swear, that cannot go away fast enough... But it is going away. 

At this point I believe I had decided not to do face feminization surgery, having seen that my face is developing well without it. I honestly didn't think the hormones would have as much impact as they have. But I think the most important thing about this is to make sure I recognize that the changes are there. When you've spent so long looking masculine and are desperately trying to change that, it's so easy to get stuck in the belief that your face looks masculine no matter what you do. Make absolutely sure you're being objective, and recognizing the changes. Look past what your brain is trying to see, and just look at yourself as though you're a random person on the street. What do you see?

It helps a lot to see yourself in a video that somebody else records, because that way you can see the whole package, including body language movements.

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• Awkward accidental reference to my body during class today. A student was playing with a small toy, and long story short, it accidentally got flung halfway across the room and hit me directly in the crotch while I was standing up. What are the freaking odds of that, am I right?!
  
  I did not react at all. No leaning forward, no change in expression, because it legitimately didn't hurt. I just slowly and casually turned to look at the student and said: "Pick that up and put it away."
  
  The student, having seen everything, looked at me with great surprise/confusion on his face, and while putting it away said, "Sorry, my bad. I didn't mean to hurt anyone."
  
  I said "Nah, that didn't hurt, you're good. Just stop playing with that during class." This seemed to increase the confusion on the kid's face.
  
  I was laughing so hard in my head, but only cracked a small smile. I so badly wanted to say "Dude, I'm a woman. There's nothing there to hurt."

I started to get my look down, and I learned how to smile. Left side without makeup, right side with. I love all the pictures I took from this month, they're so great!

You can view the Month 9 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 7

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

There are a few references to my sexual body parts in this post. If you don't want to learn some detailed information about my body, you best not read ahead.

Month 7 - October

I started to notice hairs around my nipples were much more thin and soft. They might be practically gone from casual sight within the next few months! I know cis women have hairs in that area, but it's not about that fact that the hairs are there so much as how thick and dark they are. And mine are losing their pigment and getting thinner!

My pickle cravings turned into a nighttime ritual. I craved them so often that they turned into a typical nighttime snack, and I'd eat two or three while watching TV before bed. My obsession with lemons lowered a bit, in favor of grapefruits. I freaking love grapefruit. So now I'm mixing lemon juice and grapefruit together with sparkling water as a typical drink. But the weirdest and most PMS craving I may have had yet was when I poured grapefruit juice into a bowl of pickles, combining it with pickle juice. I ate that with a chicken sausage gumbo in which I poured an excessive amount of sherry vinegar. My body must be craving this stuff for a reason... Right? =/

I requested the results from my very first blood test, from before I started on hormones, since I never actually got to see them before. My testosterone was 550 ng/dL and my estrogen was 24.3 pg/mL. The average testosterone for males of my height and weight is around 772 ng/dL. So I was lower than average, but still within normal range, and not considered a significant imbalance. The average estrogen for males of my height and build is about 25 pg/mL. So I was just shy of the average on that. 

I guess I was pretty darn ordinary. But then I started hormone treatment and within 2 months my estrogen went from 24 to 144, and my testosterone went from 550 to 13. And now, my most recent blood test showed my levels at 448 estrogen and 24 testosterone. It's like they swapped places!

My breasts continue to shape up and develop, with increased jiggle as I go up and down the stairs. It no longer hurts to go braless, so I've been taking off my bra when I get home every day. Sometimes when they're feeling particularly sore, I have had to hold them in place so they don't bounce painfully when I'm going up and down stairs. I'm still filling out an A cup, so they're not really very big, but the bouncing can still be painful on a bad day.

I'm starting to notice my facial hair becoming softer and lighter than before. It's still all I can see when I look at my face in a mirror, but I can tell that progress is being made. My face is certainly more feminine, but I am still pretty self conscious of it when I'm not in makeup.

Despite everything, I decided against face feminization surgery. At the very least, I decided I needed to wait out the whole hormone process for at a year before making up my mind about that. Clearly my face was changing, and I might not even see myself the same way by the time I've gotten to the one year mark.

The mere fact I had doubts about it meant I had to reset my "counter." Because in order for me to make a decision of that magnitude, I need to consistently have the resolve to answer yes to wanting it for 6 months straight. I need to not have doubts about it, because there's no turning back.

Remember back in Month 1 when I said my depression had disappeared? Well, unfortunately, I declare that my depression has officially returned. The euphoria of having started my transition has faded, and things have settled down. I've started acting a little more "normal" and stopped obsessing about my boobs to my friends so much. 

My depression returned, but the feeling of loving myself still lingers. Despite my depression, I don't yell at myself, and I don't put myself down so much. Instead, I tell myself to take care of myself, I ask myself what's wrong and what I could do to help, and I just let myself cry when I need to. The depression tends to get worse during my cycle, of course, but it's hard to tell when my cycle truly begins and ends, since I don't bleed. So I'm going off of all the other signs, which are harder to reliably identify.

My underlying anxiety disorder never really changed throughout my transition, but I did develop more skills to fight it off. My depression returned at this point, but again, since I learned to love myself more, I'd developed more skills to work with myself through my issues.

It occurred to me that I used to, before my transition, constantly have trouble identifying what emotion I was feeling when I was upset. But now, at this point in my transition, I don't have that problem. I can name my emotions and identify them with more ease now. I cannot necessarily tell you why I'm feeling them, but I can tell you what it is I'm feeling, in what combination. I think people who don't have issues identifying the difference between fear, sadness, and anger don't understand how good they have it. Don't ever take that ability for granted. You may be sad, but at least you know that sadness is what you're feeling. It's so frustrating when you feel some crappy emotion that has you down, but can't identify what it is.

I don't entirely know if this is related to my transition, but I also started to notice that my fingernails were thinner and sharper than they used to be. I had been scratching myself with them on accident while itching my face, without realizing it, and they break more easily than before. I have what looks like a cat scratch on my thigh - three thin claw-like marks. It was from itching my thigh after shaving! It left a small scar! What's up with that?!

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• So you know that thing where you put your heels and back up against a wall and lean forward? Supposedly, men can't do it without falling over, but women can. I used to fall forward. Now I don't. I can bend to a 90 degree angle from the wall ;D
• Oh, yesterday was national coming out day, or something. Pretty sure you all know I'm trans by now. I'm also pansexual. If you don't know what that is, basically it means I'll sleep with whomever I'm attracted to, regardless of binary or non-binary gender. So... Yeah.
• [At a friend's] party tonight I wasn't misgendered once, and there were hugs, and good conversation, and everyone just got messed up and had lots of fun together... I love how comfortable I feel around my friends! And I love that I feel just as comfortable around their friends too. Thank you everybody! I needed that ^_^
• Waiting for Lake Washington Institute of Technology to send me a new diploma with my changed name. But I can officially hang my college accolades up by my bed again! Got my name changed on the honor society certificate, and I Photoshopped the president's list letter I got in 2010 :P

This is when I really started seeing my natural face appear more feminine. Left side without makeup, right side with. I look feminine in both! And my freckles became more pronounced :)

You can view the Month 8 post by clicking here. >>>

*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 6

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sexual Content Warning!

If you don't want to learn details about my sex life and/or body parts, you best not proceed any further. This post will reference my sex life and reproductive body parts, and their functionality.

Trigger warning for dysphoria: paragraphs 6, 7, 8, and especially 9 and 10, contain potentially dysphoria-inducing content.

Month 6 - September

Since the next school year was beginning during this month, I began to realize that my depression had faded a great deal amidst my gender euphoria, but my anxiety was still pretty much the same as ever. I had a lot of "teenage girl" moments during this month, with emotional explosions and drama. I yelled and exploded during situations that probably didn't warrant it... I got into various fights with my mother regarding the way we communicate, and the methods probably weren't the best in the world, but I think it's made us stronger for it, and I think we're doing better than we were. 

Controlling my emotional state when I'm under stress is somewhat different now, and because I'm not really used to it yet, it's more difficult than it used to be. I wouldn't say my emotions are stronger or more intense, it's that they're different. I feel more of them in the moment, but I wouldn't say that makes them more intense. I think of this like I'm getting to know my actual self. It's new, and it can be hard at times, but there is no doubt in my mind that I want this. 

If I had to go back to what I was before, I would become extremely suicidal very quickly. The thought of having my hormones taken away is terrifying. I started making some backup plans, just in case my insurance was taken away, or stopped covering my medication. Luckily, my insurance (Washington Apple Health via Amerigroup) has thus far covered every penny of my transition, and if that ever changed, I might go broke trying to buy my medication every month. I would also not be able to afford my regular doctor visits for blood tests... It's kind of depressing that my body can't produce its own estrogen, so I'll likely be taking these patches for the rest of my life. The spiro, on the other hand would actually not be necessary for me to take for the rest of my life if I were to get surgery someday. Without testicles, my body wouldn't be producing all that testosterone that the spiro has to block. This is, of course, all based on hypothetical knowledge. It's possible there are things I don't know that could make things easier down the line.

Anyway, here's a shameless picture of my butt, to show off my new curves. Physically speaking, I started noticing fewer new changes by this month. The changes that did occur were mostly just continuations of the ones I've previously mentioned. Breast size continued to very slowly increase, facial hair continued to very slowly thin out and soften... Did I mention that's happening painfully slowly? My body continued to redistribute fat to develop curves. My face continued to subtly shift and look more feminine, and at this point, my face skin was so softened out and acne-free, it was looking a lot more feminine. My acne scars were healing.

Here's a shameless picture of my chest, to go with that shameless picture of my butt... At the end of this month, as the weather was getting colder, I had to stop wearing low cut tank tops. This made me sad, because I finally had something to show. I loved wearing these things with push-up bras. It's addicting! I was just barely wearing an A cup, but I was all over it.

While we're on the subject of my body parts, toward the end of this month I began to notice my erections becoming painful. When I'm too turned on it feels like there's stretching going on, like it's trying to become bigger than it is. This is definitely a complication I didn't expect... I guess this explains why guys have random erections. Probably to keep it stretched out on a regular basis. I don't get those at random anymore, and my boyfriend and I haven't been able to do things as often due to work schedule conflicts and time constraints, so guess my parts are losing their groove from lack of use.

Lucky for me when I'm by myself I don't need a full erection to finish the job anymore. I've been treating it like a vagina for so long I've gotten used to other methods with a vibrator, and often those methods finish the job without needing a full erection. But since this erection issue caused me pain when my boyfriend was around (because he gets me going hotter than I can by myself), I figured I should probably try to give myself harder erections every so often, to maybe stop that awful pain.

There was another pain as well that began shortly before this one, in an area that I'm quite sure is my prostate. It would typically hurt as I'm getting turned on, but more often when I was suddenly turned on. So if my boyfriend suddenly leans over to make out and feel me up, I would get this prostate pain from the sudden blood flow. My doctor checked it out, but she didn't find anything that was really wrong. My guess is that this is directly linked to the erection pain, and it's just another part of the plumbing that was shrunk and can't hold all the blood properly.

I hate this. It's bad enough I still have to deal with having these parts, now I have to use them more often to keep them working? Sure it feels good, and sometimes that's enough. But during particularly sensitive days when I'd rather not think about these parts, playing with them causes some bad dysphoria. Instead of finishing the job, sometimes I stop part way through and cry because what I feel myself doing doesn't match with what's in my head. Doing it myself makes it even worse, because that means I sometimes have to look at it, and the touch of it just reminds me of what it is.

I just remembered something... I've had bouts of crying during masturbation before I realized I was trans, back in 2011... I had no idea why back then. I wonder if this has anything to do with it... But then, I have quite a handful of mental issues. PTSD, General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, ADHD, and some believe I may be on the autism spectrum. Correlation certainly does not equal causation.

On a lighter note, I believe it was during this month that I heard my mother watching TV one day, and there was a baby crying in the show she was watching. In addition to my motherly instincts being alerted to the sound, causing me to suddenly feel alert, my nipples reacted to it as well. They became hard, and I felt a little tickle feeling within them. I had to kind of hold, shake, and lightly rub my boobs for a moment, because the whole thing felt so weird. I don't think these things even have fully developed glands on the inside yet, so why would this be happening now?

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• I'm sick for the first time since starting hormones! ... Despite being sick and physically tired, I feel restless. Instead of trying to "muscle" through it without medicine, I am throwing everything I have at it. And I was a little upset when blowing my nose messed up my makeup. There's no difference other than that so far, so I'm rather puzzled by how so many men seem to act like they're dying while women are up making medicine, despite also being sick.
• Most of the people listed on my family members list on Facebook will be seeing confirmations popping up. I reset those because I was listed as the wrong gender. I guess Facebook doesn't change that automatically. Those of you who caught that and changed it already yourselves, thank you, I appreciate your attention to detail. I had totally forgotten about it myself :)

I began to wear makeup on a regular basis at this point, so it's hard to find pictures of me without it. I took a lot of great pictures this month... It's hard to choose just one! Left side without makeup, right side with.

You can view the Month 7 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 5

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

This post is mostly about social and emotional changes, but there is much talk about hormones, and there are a couple references to sexual body parts and their functions. If you can't handle that, you best not read ahead.

Month 5 - August

There was no doubt about it, my breasts were female now. By this point I was regularly wearing 34A push-up bras as my standard attire, and I was proudly wearing low cut shirts and tank tops, because I actually had something to show.

I played with some Snapchat filters, and seeing how feminine I looked with some of them it actually made me question whether I actually wanted face feminization surgery after all. After seeing my face through the filter and seeing it again without, I looked so masculine without it in comparison. Eventually as some time went by I came to the conclusion that I was holding myself to too high a standard. But also, this is a problem that cisgender women have, so I guess it's gender affirming? 

Seriously, who can live up to the standards of beauty that Snapchat filters give you? Or the photoshopped models on all the magazines and websites? These are images of beauty created by computers and airbrushes and professional makeup... People often hold trans women to higher standards than regular women, but this is not the kind of thing I should be stressing out about. I came out as trans to respect myself and who I am, to be myself. If I'm trying to live up to these magazine expectations, am I being myself, or am I being what society standards think I should be? Anyway, so yeah, I'm not letting something like this dictate my surgical decisions.

I ran into an issue in the bedroom around this time. When turned on at a fast pace, it felt like my prostate was stretching painfully. The erection itself was fine, but the prostate area hurt, and it was very distracting. I discovered that going slower seemed to help.

Around this point, pickles became a staple that I needed to always have in my fridge. I was eating them doused in a little lemon juice, because apparently they needed to be slightly sour, as well as salty. At the point of writing this, I'm at month 9, and I still have a constant stash of Nalley garlic dill pickles in my fridge. If I'm craving pickles and there are none in the house, I will either cry or scream. Do not get in the way of my pickle cravings, or you will face my womanly wrath. But if you ask nicely, I might share.

I craved salt constantly, possibly because of the lack of salt absorption from the Spiro. I didn't know it at the time, but I had a hormone imbalance, and my estrogen was too high. From a biological standpoint, based on my estrogen levels, I was in a constant state of ovulation. To you guys out there, that basically means I was in a perpetual period, having constant PMS. That meant I was having constant strange food cravings, erratic nausea, muscle cramping in my abdomen/testicles, and lots of mood swings.

I came out to my grandma on my dad's side, she she took it delightfully well. When we were talking on the phone she said, "It's no business of mine what's in people's pants." Upon seeing me for the first time since my transition, she exclaimed with a mystified smile, "You look just like your mother when she was younger."

During this month I saw the solar eclipse at the Oregon coast. This was kind of my first real vacation trip with my boyfriend. We rented a motel and explored the Oregon coast, and during the entire trip in Oregon, I was not misgendered once by the various people. And I only got a couple of weird looks from passersby. Overall, surprisingly enough, I feel I was more accepted around the Oregon coast than I typically am in Seattle. The general feel seemed more positive as well. This took me by surprise since I have always thought of the Seattle area as being pretty progressive. In any case, I've gotten pretty used to people staring at me or giving me weird looks at this point, so it doesn't really bother me too much.

I began to develop what's called a "Patulous Eustachian Tube" issue. After some pretty minor physical activity, I could hear my breathing, voice, and heartbeat directly in my ear drum for about 20 minutes. Sometimes it even got triggered a little by yawning and driving up and down hills. It's quite disorienting and makes it hard to talk when you hear all your internal body sounds directly in your ear. Lovely isn't it? This is definitely something I needed in my life. I'm at month 9 while typing this, I still have this issue nearly every time I'm driving, yawning, or exerting any kind of physical activity.

While working on a computer during this month there was a loud beep during a hardware diagnostic I was running that caused me to yelp loudly and pull back when it beeped. I've done this hundreds of times before, and when this sort of thing has startled me in the past I didn't yelp, let alone yelp that loudly.

I'm noticing that my reactions to things that surprise or startle me seems to have changed. I was running downstairs last week and encountered a spider at the base of the stairs; I fell backward onto the stairs and screamed. I'm a bit confused about how I didn't start to notice that this is new behaviour for so long, because this behaviour change probably started about a month or two before this. Maybe it developed so slowly it passed over my radar. I became rather more moody, and my mother started to realize that dealing with me was like dealing with a teenage girl going through puberty.

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• You know... Cisgender people get misgendered sometimes. And that feeling they get when it happens is probably uncomfortable, conflicting in their head with "But that's just not true. That's not my gender." It might probably offend them, as an insult would.
  Is that really that different from misgendering a trans person?
• Waiting in line at Snoqualmie Ice Cream behind a couple. The girl looks back and sees me behind her, then turns back forward. Then she does a double take, looking back at me again slightly faster. She pokes her boyfriend and says something to him. He looks back at me, then looks at her and says something with a half smile.
  Okay, guys, I get it. You don't need to make a spectacle of it. My hair, boobs, legs, and butt look awesome today. I know it's controversial for me to look this fabulous in public, considering I might cause traffic accidents when walking down the street, but I felt like getting some ice cream, so you all can deal with it

There is a distinct lack of pictures of me from this month. But luckily the ones I do have are direct natural/makeup comparison I did. Left side without makeup, right side with. Not the greatest pictures in the world, but it's neat to see the direct comparison. Even if my eyeliner didn't match with my eyelashes perfectly.

You can view the Month 6 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 4

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

There's not much body part content in this post, but if you don't want to learn some detailed information about my boobs, you best not read ahead.

Month 4 - July

At this point, when they were cold, my breasts could be mistaken for either male or female. But when they were warm, there wasn't much room to mistake them as anything but female. This change in size based on temperature is something I wasn't really aware of before. I knew nipples changed in size with temperature, but I had no idea the entire breast would actually "shrink" as it hugs up to your chest. It was very subtle, but during this month and moving forward, I continued to notice this in addition to the changes in their size soreness based on what time of the month it was. I'm pretty sure nobody else would notice this. I was pretty hyper-observant of this stuff because my boobs weren't just a biological fact of life, they were kind of an obsession...

My doctor became concerned about the rate at which I was losing muscle mass. It was becoming noticeably more difficult to take the garbage up to the road, and my technology bag was getting almost too heavy for me to carry to my car. I used to have this thing on my back for 10 minutes straight walking to my friend's house, and now I can barely even carry it to my car.

I went on my first road trip by myself to Oregon, to attend the Oregon Country Fair. At the fair I got body paint on my boobs! This is something I've always secretly wanted to do, but I didn't have boobs, so I thought it'd look weird. But now I do! And it was awesome having dragonfly boobies and sparkling swirly face paint! This was my first time being shirtless in public since it became no longer socially acceptable, but it's okay for women to be shirtless in Eugene, Oregon. 

I wonder at what point my chest became unacceptable to show in public? At which month would it be decided that I could no longer be shirtless? And why? It seems like such a strange arbitrary rule. If women can't show their chests, why can men? Women's cleavage is often okay to show in public with low cut shirts, as long as nipples don't slip out. Both men and women have nipples, so why are men's nipples okay to show? It's all just so silly. I honestly wonder at what point during my transition my boobs would have become inappropriate to show in public.

While I was out in Oregon I got my hair done at a fancy salon for the first time, having them dye my hair red with copper highlights, and styling it. I never understood the salon gossip experience, but having done it now, I wish I could afford to do it more often. It was wonderful, and they made me feel just like one of the girls!

By the time I got home and settled down after all the trips I took this month, I realized I was developing freckles on the bridge of my nose. I squealed in delight, because I love freckles, and if I was going to develop them, that's exactly where I'd want them! I've been exposed to plenty of sunlight before and not gotten freckles, so I'm guessing this has something to do with increased skin sensitivity from the hormones.

During this month I was noticing that the subtle changes happening in my face that were making me look more feminine seemed quite promising, and the face feminization surgery I had previously contemplated seemed very distant. I wanted to see how things turn out with the hormones alone before jumping into anything surgical, and the hormones seemed to be doing a decent job. It's just that most of the changes were happening so painfully slowly that it was hard to be patient. The things that bothered me the most were my facial hair and my voice. Unfortunately my voice is something I can't easily change, and the facial hair is taking forever to go away.

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• [After Trump's statement about trans soldiers] So I can't be in the military? Great! I don't have to worry about being drafted! There's no way in hell I'd ever want to risk my life on behalf of Trump anyway!
• Just 4 days from month 5 of my transition, and I seem to have reached a new stage. It looks like a friend and I are turning friends without benefits. I guess I'm becoming too feminine for gay guys.

Here are pictures from Month 4. I believe this accurately represents how I looked at the time. Left side was at the Seattle Pride March without makeup, right side was at the Oregon Country Fair with makeup. Still seeing stubble without makeup, but I'm getting there...

You can view the Month 5 post by clicking here. >>>