*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 6

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sexual Content Warning!

If you don't want to learn details about my sex life and/or body parts, you best not proceed any further. This post will reference my sex life and reproductive body parts, and their functionality.

Trigger warning for dysphoria: paragraphs 6, 7, 8, and especially 9 and 10, contain potentially dysphoria-inducing content.

Month 6 - September

Since the next school year was beginning during this month, I began to realize that my depression had faded a great deal amidst my gender euphoria, but my anxiety was still pretty much the same as ever. I had a lot of "teenage girl" moments during this month, with emotional explosions and drama. I yelled and exploded during situations that probably didn't warrant it... I got into various fights with my mother regarding the way we communicate, and the methods probably weren't the best in the world, but I think it's made us stronger for it, and I think we're doing better than we were. 

Controlling my emotional state when I'm under stress is somewhat different now, and because I'm not really used to it yet, it's more difficult than it used to be. I wouldn't say my emotions are stronger or more intense, it's that they're different. I feel more of them in the moment, but I wouldn't say that makes them more intense. I think of this like I'm getting to know my actual self. It's new, and it can be hard at times, but there is no doubt in my mind that I want this. 

If I had to go back to what I was before, I would become extremely suicidal very quickly. The thought of having my hormones taken away is terrifying. I started making some backup plans, just in case my insurance was taken away, or stopped covering my medication. Luckily, my insurance (Washington Apple Health via Amerigroup) has thus far covered every penny of my transition, and if that ever changed, I might go broke trying to buy my medication every month. I would also not be able to afford my regular doctor visits for blood tests... It's kind of depressing that my body can't produce its own estrogen, so I'll likely be taking these patches for the rest of my life. The spiro, on the other hand would actually not be necessary for me to take for the rest of my life if I were to get surgery someday. Without testicles, my body wouldn't be producing all that testosterone that the spiro has to block. This is, of course, all based on hypothetical knowledge. It's possible there are things I don't know that could make things easier down the line.

Anyway, here's a shameless picture of my butt, to show off my new curves. Physically speaking, I started noticing fewer new changes by this month. The changes that did occur were mostly just continuations of the ones I've previously mentioned. Breast size continued to very slowly increase, facial hair continued to very slowly thin out and soften... Did I mention that's happening painfully slowly? My body continued to redistribute fat to develop curves. My face continued to subtly shift and look more feminine, and at this point, my face skin was so softened out and acne-free, it was looking a lot more feminine. My acne scars were healing.

Here's a shameless picture of my chest, to go with that shameless picture of my butt... At the end of this month, as the weather was getting colder, I had to stop wearing low cut tank tops. This made me sad, because I finally had something to show. I loved wearing these things with push-up bras. It's addicting! I was just barely wearing an A cup, but I was all over it.

While we're on the subject of my body parts, toward the end of this month I began to notice my erections becoming painful. When I'm too turned on it feels like there's stretching going on, like it's trying to become bigger than it is. This is definitely a complication I didn't expect... I guess this explains why guys have random erections. Probably to keep it stretched out on a regular basis. I don't get those at random anymore, and my boyfriend and I haven't been able to do things as often due to work schedule conflicts and time constraints, so guess my parts are losing their groove from lack of use.

Lucky for me when I'm by myself I don't need a full erection to finish the job anymore. I've been treating it like a vagina for so long I've gotten used to other methods with a vibrator, and often those methods finish the job without needing a full erection. But since this erection issue caused me pain when my boyfriend was around (because he gets me going hotter than I can by myself), I figured I should probably try to give myself harder erections every so often, to maybe stop that awful pain.

There was another pain as well that began shortly before this one, in an area that I'm quite sure is my prostate. It would typically hurt as I'm getting turned on, but more often when I was suddenly turned on. So if my boyfriend suddenly leans over to make out and feel me up, I would get this prostate pain from the sudden blood flow. My doctor checked it out, but she didn't find anything that was really wrong. My guess is that this is directly linked to the erection pain, and it's just another part of the plumbing that was shrunk and can't hold all the blood properly.

I hate this. It's bad enough I still have to deal with having these parts, now I have to use them more often to keep them working? Sure it feels good, and sometimes that's enough. But during particularly sensitive days when I'd rather not think about these parts, playing with them causes some bad dysphoria. Instead of finishing the job, sometimes I stop part way through and cry because what I feel myself doing doesn't match with what's in my head. Doing it myself makes it even worse, because that means I sometimes have to look at it, and the touch of it just reminds me of what it is.

I just remembered something... I've had bouts of crying during masturbation before I realized I was trans, back in 2011... I had no idea why back then. I wonder if this has anything to do with it... But then, I have quite a handful of mental issues. PTSD, General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, ADHD, and some believe I may be on the autism spectrum. Correlation certainly does not equal causation.

On a lighter note, I believe it was during this month that I heard my mother watching TV one day, and there was a baby crying in the show she was watching. In addition to my motherly instincts being alerted to the sound, causing me to suddenly feel alert, my nipples reacted to it as well. They became hard, and I felt a little tickle feeling within them. I had to kind of hold, shake, and lightly rub my boobs for a moment, because the whole thing felt so weird. I don't think these things even have fully developed glands on the inside yet, so why would this be happening now?

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• I'm sick for the first time since starting hormones! ... Despite being sick and physically tired, I feel restless. Instead of trying to "muscle" through it without medicine, I am throwing everything I have at it. And I was a little upset when blowing my nose messed up my makeup. There's no difference other than that so far, so I'm rather puzzled by how so many men seem to act like they're dying while women are up making medicine, despite also being sick.
• Most of the people listed on my family members list on Facebook will be seeing confirmations popping up. I reset those because I was listed as the wrong gender. I guess Facebook doesn't change that automatically. Those of you who caught that and changed it already yourselves, thank you, I appreciate your attention to detail. I had totally forgotten about it myself :)

I began to wear makeup on a regular basis at this point, so it's hard to find pictures of me without it. I took a lot of great pictures this month... It's hard to choose just one! Left side without makeup, right side with.

You can view the Month 7 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 5

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

This post is mostly about social and emotional changes, but there is much talk about hormones, and there are a couple references to sexual body parts and their functions. If you can't handle that, you best not read ahead.

Month 5 - August

There was no doubt about it, my breasts were female now. By this point I was regularly wearing 34A push-up bras as my standard attire, and I was proudly wearing low cut shirts and tank tops, because I actually had something to show.

I played with some Snapchat filters, and seeing how feminine I looked with some of them it actually made me question whether I actually wanted face feminization surgery after all. After seeing my face through the filter and seeing it again without, I looked so masculine without it in comparison. Eventually as some time went by I came to the conclusion that I was holding myself to too high a standard. But also, this is a problem that cisgender women have, so I guess it's gender affirming? 

Seriously, who can live up to the standards of beauty that Snapchat filters give you? Or the photoshopped models on all the magazines and websites? These are images of beauty created by computers and airbrushes and professional makeup... People often hold trans women to higher standards than regular women, but this is not the kind of thing I should be stressing out about. I came out as trans to respect myself and who I am, to be myself. If I'm trying to live up to these magazine expectations, am I being myself, or am I being what society standards think I should be? Anyway, so yeah, I'm not letting something like this dictate my surgical decisions.

I ran into an issue in the bedroom around this time. When turned on at a fast pace, it felt like my prostate was stretching painfully. The erection itself was fine, but the prostate area hurt, and it was very distracting. I discovered that going slower seemed to help.

Around this point, pickles became a staple that I needed to always have in my fridge. I was eating them doused in a little lemon juice, because apparently they needed to be slightly sour, as well as salty. At the point of writing this, I'm at month 9, and I still have a constant stash of Nalley garlic dill pickles in my fridge. If I'm craving pickles and there are none in the house, I will either cry or scream. Do not get in the way of my pickle cravings, or you will face my womanly wrath. But if you ask nicely, I might share.

I craved salt constantly, possibly because of the lack of salt absorption from the Spiro. I didn't know it at the time, but I had a hormone imbalance, and my estrogen was too high. From a biological standpoint, based on my estrogen levels, I was in a constant state of ovulation. To you guys out there, that basically means I was in a perpetual period, having constant PMS. That meant I was having constant strange food cravings, erratic nausea, muscle cramping in my abdomen/testicles, and lots of mood swings.

I came out to my grandma on my dad's side, she she took it delightfully well. When we were talking on the phone she said, "It's no business of mine what's in people's pants." Upon seeing me for the first time since my transition, she exclaimed with a mystified smile, "You look just like your mother when she was younger."

During this month I saw the solar eclipse at the Oregon coast. This was kind of my first real vacation trip with my boyfriend. We rented a motel and explored the Oregon coast, and during the entire trip in Oregon, I was not misgendered once by the various people. And I only got a couple of weird looks from passersby. Overall, surprisingly enough, I feel I was more accepted around the Oregon coast than I typically am in Seattle. The general feel seemed more positive as well. This took me by surprise since I have always thought of the Seattle area as being pretty progressive. In any case, I've gotten pretty used to people staring at me or giving me weird looks at this point, so it doesn't really bother me too much.

I began to develop what's called a "Patulous Eustachian Tube" issue. After some pretty minor physical activity, I could hear my breathing, voice, and heartbeat directly in my ear drum for about 20 minutes. Sometimes it even got triggered a little by yawning and driving up and down hills. It's quite disorienting and makes it hard to talk when you hear all your internal body sounds directly in your ear. Lovely isn't it? This is definitely something I needed in my life. I'm at month 9 while typing this, I still have this issue nearly every time I'm driving, yawning, or exerting any kind of physical activity.

While working on a computer during this month there was a loud beep during a hardware diagnostic I was running that caused me to yelp loudly and pull back when it beeped. I've done this hundreds of times before, and when this sort of thing has startled me in the past I didn't yelp, let alone yelp that loudly.

I'm noticing that my reactions to things that surprise or startle me seems to have changed. I was running downstairs last week and encountered a spider at the base of the stairs; I fell backward onto the stairs and screamed. I'm a bit confused about how I didn't start to notice that this is new behaviour for so long, because this behaviour change probably started about a month or two before this. Maybe it developed so slowly it passed over my radar. I became rather more moody, and my mother started to realize that dealing with me was like dealing with a teenage girl going through puberty.

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• You know... Cisgender people get misgendered sometimes. And that feeling they get when it happens is probably uncomfortable, conflicting in their head with "But that's just not true. That's not my gender." It might probably offend them, as an insult would.
  Is that really that different from misgendering a trans person?
• Waiting in line at Snoqualmie Ice Cream behind a couple. The girl looks back and sees me behind her, then turns back forward. Then she does a double take, looking back at me again slightly faster. She pokes her boyfriend and says something to him. He looks back at me, then looks at her and says something with a half smile.
  Okay, guys, I get it. You don't need to make a spectacle of it. My hair, boobs, legs, and butt look awesome today. I know it's controversial for me to look this fabulous in public, considering I might cause traffic accidents when walking down the street, but I felt like getting some ice cream, so you all can deal with it

There is a distinct lack of pictures of me from this month. But luckily the ones I do have are direct natural/makeup comparison I did. Left side without makeup, right side with. Not the greatest pictures in the world, but it's neat to see the direct comparison. Even if my eyeliner didn't match with my eyelashes perfectly.

You can view the Month 6 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 4

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

There's not much body part content in this post, but if you don't want to learn some detailed information about my boobs, you best not read ahead.

Month 4 - July

At this point, when they were cold, my breasts could be mistaken for either male or female. But when they were warm, there wasn't much room to mistake them as anything but female. This change in size based on temperature is something I wasn't really aware of before. I knew nipples changed in size with temperature, but I had no idea the entire breast would actually "shrink" as it hugs up to your chest. It was very subtle, but during this month and moving forward, I continued to notice this in addition to the changes in their size soreness based on what time of the month it was. I'm pretty sure nobody else would notice this. I was pretty hyper-observant of this stuff because my boobs weren't just a biological fact of life, they were kind of an obsession...

My doctor became concerned about the rate at which I was losing muscle mass. It was becoming noticeably more difficult to take the garbage up to the road, and my technology bag was getting almost too heavy for me to carry to my car. I used to have this thing on my back for 10 minutes straight walking to my friend's house, and now I can barely even carry it to my car.

I went on my first road trip by myself to Oregon, to attend the Oregon Country Fair. At the fair I got body paint on my boobs! This is something I've always secretly wanted to do, but I didn't have boobs, so I thought it'd look weird. But now I do! And it was awesome having dragonfly boobies and sparkling swirly face paint! This was my first time being shirtless in public since it became no longer socially acceptable, but it's okay for women to be shirtless in Eugene, Oregon. 

I wonder at what point my chest became unacceptable to show in public? At which month would it be decided that I could no longer be shirtless? And why? It seems like such a strange arbitrary rule. If women can't show their chests, why can men? Women's cleavage is often okay to show in public with low cut shirts, as long as nipples don't slip out. Both men and women have nipples, so why are men's nipples okay to show? It's all just so silly. I honestly wonder at what point during my transition my boobs would have become inappropriate to show in public.

While I was out in Oregon I got my hair done at a fancy salon for the first time, having them dye my hair red with copper highlights, and styling it. I never understood the salon gossip experience, but having done it now, I wish I could afford to do it more often. It was wonderful, and they made me feel just like one of the girls!

By the time I got home and settled down after all the trips I took this month, I realized I was developing freckles on the bridge of my nose. I squealed in delight, because I love freckles, and if I was going to develop them, that's exactly where I'd want them! I've been exposed to plenty of sunlight before and not gotten freckles, so I'm guessing this has something to do with increased skin sensitivity from the hormones.

During this month I was noticing that the subtle changes happening in my face that were making me look more feminine seemed quite promising, and the face feminization surgery I had previously contemplated seemed very distant. I wanted to see how things turn out with the hormones alone before jumping into anything surgical, and the hormones seemed to be doing a decent job. It's just that most of the changes were happening so painfully slowly that it was hard to be patient. The things that bothered me the most were my facial hair and my voice. Unfortunately my voice is something I can't easily change, and the facial hair is taking forever to go away.

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• [After Trump's statement about trans soldiers] So I can't be in the military? Great! I don't have to worry about being drafted! There's no way in hell I'd ever want to risk my life on behalf of Trump anyway!
• Just 4 days from month 5 of my transition, and I seem to have reached a new stage. It looks like a friend and I are turning friends without benefits. I guess I'm becoming too feminine for gay guys.

Here are pictures from Month 4. I believe this accurately represents how I looked at the time. Left side was at the Seattle Pride March without makeup, right side was at the Oregon Country Fair with makeup. Still seeing stubble without makeup, but I'm getting there...

You can view the Month 5 post by clicking here. >>>

*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 3

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

[EDIT 12-31-17 - Added something I forgot and changed some wording.]

Sexual Content Material!

If you don't want to learn about my sex life and body parts, you best not proceed any further. This won't be quite as explicitly detailed as the previous month, but it will be similar.

Potential trigger warning: Paragraphs 14 and 15 contain a descriptive story about my body dysmorphia. The final two paragraphs end on a positive note.

Month 3 - June

I realized I forgot to ask myself if I wanted to continue with the hormones until this point. I began to realize the changes are becoming permanent now. I didn't even have to think about it, there was no way I was going back. I was in this for the long haul, and I was having zero regrets.

Now my breasts started taking a bit more shape. I was just barely able to wear a 34A push-up bra and make it look filled. My chest could be mistaken for being male or female at this point when it was warm, but when it was cold my nipples would shrink, making it look like I just had large "man boobs". The constant soreness and occasional pain spikes continued as they grew.

Excited about my breast growth, but also rather impatient about how long it was taking, I asked my doctor about progesterone. I saw mention of progesterone on various trans forums, so I thought I'd get a medical opinion on it, since I built up a good amount of trust in my doctor at this point.

My doctor said the effects of progesterone aren't well documented enough to say for sure if they actually help speed things up. Some people adamantly say that it sped up their breast growth, and others say it didn't do anything at all. As far as medical documentation under controlled environments that utilized the scientific method, she knew of none. She said some potential side-effects were more increased clotting potential, and my mood swings may get worse. I may also experience increased nausea, dizziness, acne, headaches, and some other effects I'm having trouble remembering.

Obviously this is all within the context of my doctor's knowledge, and within the context of my particular body. I have no major physical health issues that particularly complicate hormone treatment, and it's extremely difficult to find people who consider themselves true experts on this topic, let alone meet with them. And I'm certainly not an expert, I'm just writing about my experience with what I'm doing.

I decided not to do it. I asked out of curiosity, and what I was doing appeared to be working fine, so why fix it when it's not broken? And I already had plenty of nausea, mood swings, headaches, and whatnot. And I just got rid of my acne for the first time in 13 years, so there's no way I'm bringing that back. Plus, I had the thought that the faster my breasts grow, the more potential there would be for stretch marks from the growth. And though it'd be fine if I got stretch marks, if given the option, I'd prefer to avoid them. 

So I decided I'd just be patient and experience my second puberty at a slower pace. Considering I'd have had to wait for 8-10 years through puberty if I was born with ovaries, I guess only having to wait 2 years wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. And really, it's kind of gender-affirming if you frame it that way. Gotta wait for them to grow, just as if I was born this way. I'm hoping for a good crop by next year :)

It was about this time that I began to notice a pattern. In the previous couple of months I had a 5 to 6 day period where I felt mood swings and cravings, got a couple of tiny pimples, felt more breast soreness than usual, got some occasional stabbing pains in my groin that felt like muscle spasms... I had developed a period cycle! My doctor has no explanation for the cramps, considering I don't have a uterus, but she believes it's not serious, and says it seems like nothing's wrong. There's just an area within the left side of my scrotum that just... Acts like a uterus when I'm on my period.

The cravings... I typically don't eat chocolate or sweets. Once I've had a certain amount of sugar in my day, my body rejects it, giving me a sore throat. I craved dark chocolate during one of my cravings, and I ate a dark chocolate covered cherry. It tasted so good it turned me on, seriously. I had never had an emotional reaction to food quite like when I've eaten something that perfectly satisfies a period craving. I craved pickles a lot, probably from the salt content because of the Spiro pills. And I had a weird obsession with lemons and sour foods. I ate a lemon and two limes, by themselves. Cut them up and bit into them, eating them like oranges. It gave me zero sour face, and it was so delicious...

We got into more of a groove in the bedroom, a more consistent pattern of things that worked, and the sensations continued to rock my world with how different they felt. Despite the fact my skin continued to get more sensitive, I was left with far fewer scabs this month, since we better learned when to call for more lube. The skin had thinned so that it was practically like the tip of the penis turned into a clitoris, in terms of sensitivity and the need to be delicate with touch. 


Perhaps the skin sensitivity also had something to do with how intense these experiences were. I purchased my first vibrator, and I have NO regrets on that purchase WHATSOEVER! They say a vibrator is a girl's best friend, and holy shit, they're not kidding. That revolutionized my alone time.

We learned that things seemed to work better if we treated the whole area like a vagina and clitoris, even if it didn't look like one. Rather than the "grab and pump," we did the "lube and rub." There were certain spots that, when rubbed correctly, consistently, and in a pattern, worked quite well. Sometimes the spots would shift slightly, so it's tricky for another person to learn and keep up with, but I pretty well got the hang of it myself once I had the idea to try it. Once I had a vibrator, I discovered that I could finish simply by holding the vibrator up to specific spots and leaving it there, no hand motion necessary unless the spot shifted. Lube helped, but wasn't entirely necessary for this method.

I remember my boyfriend told me at some point when I was feeling dysphoric, "Honey, that's not a penis. It doesn't work like one at all anymore. That is a vagina. If vaginas had innies and outies, you'd be an outie. But that's not a penis." I'm paraphrasing, but that's the general idea of what he said. So whatever it is I have seems to be some kind of hybrid. Looks like a penis, but certainly doesn't operate like one. Despite the way it looks, the fact it was behaving this way made me pretty happy.

I was feeling a lot of body dysmorphia this month. One night I was whispering myself through an anxiety attack while my boyfriend was sleeping (I didn't want to wake him up), and I got to a point where I felt better. I did some physical therapy exercises on the floor, and got myself into a much better mood. I was taking my clothes back off to get back into bed when I saw my reflection in a dark window. I looked down and saw my boobs, which made me very happy. But then I looked past them and began to sob uncontrollably. My boyfriend woke up and immediately tried to help me with a soft touch on my back, asking what was wrong as he got up. In the midst of my crying, as I caught some breath, I managed to say, while still sobbing, "I don't know what happened. I just... I looked down, saw my... And I just... I exploded in tears." My boyfriend held me and supported me as I continued to cry for another 15 minutes or so. I felt like I would never truly be a woman. I'd never truly be female. People wouldn't see me that way, people would get my pronouns wrong, my voice will always sound male, and I could never birth biological children. Despite all of the experiences I had gone through these past months, despite all the things that have changed, despite everything, I would always have this looming over my head. I was born with a male body, and there was nothing I could do to fully change that.

...Even just typing that, 4 months after this memory even happened, recalling the memory, makes me want to cry again... It will probably always make me sad. And just like my depression, some of this will probably just be something I have to learn how to work through and live with.

I started doing some research into surgery, largely to mentally prepare myself, and because I realized I really didn't know many details about it, and at the rate I was going, I figured it may be a reality in my future. I made the jump into hormones because I knew I could go back by the third month if I regretted my decision. That's not something I can do with surgery. It's all or nothing with a vaginoplasty.

I visited my dad for the first time since I came out this month. He saw me briefly 3 months earlier at my birthday dinner, but we didn't really get a significant chance to visit, and I wasn't as developed in body shape or makeup skill. He took me for a spin in his fancy new red sports car, and as we drove by a neighbor he said this: "I'm just taking my daughter out for a spin in the new car." I actually thought I was going to cry when he called me his daughter. I was holding my breath for him to misgender me. It made me so happy that he didn't...

I started noticing that my face was looking less masculine, even without makeup, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why or how. Also I started getting pretty good at painting my nails. I did some fancy trans flag colors for the 2017 pride parade!


Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• The last week of all my Thursday and Friday classes... So close and yet so far. I can do 2 more Wednesdays. I got this! ... Nausea, you're not helping my pep talk. Stahppit.
• So while shaving in the shower last night, as I tried a new method on my upper legs I said to myself "No pressure! No pressure. Just let it glide over the canvas."
  I didn't get a single cut or so much as a bump on my legs, and the technique was exactly the same as Bob Ross's method of painting mountains! Thank you, Bob Ross!
• Watching the graduation ceremony is a very different experience when some of your students are graduating. Aah, so many feels! I won't see them next year! T_T
• When everyone says you're a minority, and you rarely see anyone else like you, it's a big shock to go somewhere and see thousands of other people like you. At trans pride today there were thousands of unique, genuine, happy, loving, and beautiful people. It was amazing seeing so many people respecting one another as fellow human beings.
  Not only was I totally recognized and validated as female all day by everyone, but I was also validated as a nerd, because I got a lot of compliments on my bat'leth purse. These are my people. It's so emotional and exciting to meet them X3
• I suspect we may very soon get to a point where the LGBTQ community will need to protest the pride parade itself in order to remind people what it's supposed to be about.
• So I went to the Duvall Ixtapa today. This was the first time I have eaten in the restaurant (not ordered to-go) in a very long time, not counting my birthday party. Because it was just me, I got to see some familiar faces as the various founders were serving people. They don't generally serve the big parties.
  As the manager was filling my water, he slowed down his movements as he saw my face and realized it was me. He hasn't seen me since my transition. He asked how I was doing and we briefly caught up a little. Carlos, the guy who gives my dad and I an extra shot of tequila in our margaritas, was my primary server. We also had a nice exchange.
  My transition was never brought up, but everybody called me señorita without fail. It was wonderful being able to go back, and everybody was still as friendly as they've always been <3

Here are pictures from Month 3. I believe this accurately represents how I looked at the time. Left side without makeup, right side with. Looking a bit more feminine!

You can view the Month 4 post by clicking here. >>>

*Sexual Content* My Transition - Month 2

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Sexual Content Material!

If you don't want to learn about my sex life and body parts, you best not proceed any further. The content in this series has been pretty tame up to this point. This post is going to go into some steamy details about how the hormones have affected my sex life.

Month 2 - May

Now I started to notice that my chest hair was thinning a little, and my skin was definitely changing. I had issues getting pimples before, but now I realized that my face had been clear for a long time. My skin was significantly less greasy, and my body's smell had changed. I no longer stunk so bad after two days without a shower. For lack of a better way of putting this, my sweat no longer smelled like a guy. My room no longer smelled like a guy lived in it, even though I didn't really change anything in it. I think it's because the grease wasn't sinking into my bed sheets anymore, so the bed didn't smell the same.

So when I say my skin was getting softer and changing, I mean the skin on all of my body. Not just my arms, legs, face, back, chest... But my butt, my hands, my groin, my armpits, EVERYWHERE was changing. I will refer to how this skin change affected my sex life in a moment, but first I need to talk about libido.

So at this point it was very clear that my libido had slowly changed. Yes, it was true that I wasn't masturbating as much, and my boyfriend and I weren't "doing things" as much, but it wasn't because my libido decreased. It was because my body didn't respond unless my mind was truly into it. It used to be that I would do things just to get my erection to go away, because it was annoying me that I had one. But now I didn't get those random erections, so that was no longer a problem. I could decide when I wanted to do things, and my body would respond.

The only problem, as it turned out, was the skin changes. When my boyfriend and I did "bedroom activities," chafing would occur on my part from the stroking motion. It was bad. It hurt, and occasionally bled, particularly between the foreskin and glans. My skin had thinned and softened so much in that area that I could not do anything without lots of lube. I developed scabs around that area for a while as we figured out how to get into a new bedroom groove. Bless my boyfriend for his amazing patience... He's been so great through all of this.

Perhaps his patience partly came from the benefits of the bedroom changes, however, because the sensations I felt definitely changed, and so did my sounds. It's hard to explain the difference in feeling, but... Let's say that as a guy it was like going down a water slide. You get that rush on the way down, some rocking back and forth here and there, you hit the water, and it's over. You feel exhilarated, but you can get right back up and do something else now. As a girl, in my experience it's more like... Floating on the water's surface during a series of large surfboard-worthy waves. You get hit by the waves, resurface, get hit again, resurface, and it tosses you back and forth. You flail around as you resurface, and continue floating on until you wash up onto the shore and hit the ground, exhausted.

With the water slide, it was more predictable. You could keep going, and you'd know the twists and turns on the way down, and you'd always hit the water the same way. You could try and change your landing on the way down, but it'd still be the same, for the most part, each time. 

With waves on the water's surface, however, it is somewhat different each time. They could be more or less intense. Your focus on predicting their movements could be more or less accurate, making the experience even more varied. The waves could take you closer or further from shore at varied speeds. It's all about going with the flow and being consistent. And you feel it in your entire body. 

Because of the intensity of the new sex sensations, during some of the more intense waves, if we'd gotten into a particularly good groove, I would arch my back, squirm around, or grab onto the headboard of the bed, feeling the need to hang onto something. I never used to do that before. It's like that feeling of being just seconds away from orgasm off and on, until it built up enough force to push me the rest of the way there. I couldn't get up immediately afterward, typically needing to stay laying on my back for at least 20 minutes in a daze, recovering from the experience.

This is so very different from the way I used to be in bed. The shock of feeling things differently has made it so much more enjoyable, and my whole body gets into it now. I often zone out in the moment, and I don't realize I've completely knocked all the sheets and blankets off the bed until the aftermath.

So yeah, those changes were intense, and uh... I was loud. I made sounds before, but not like this. This was probably also from the intensity of the new sensations. I think my volume was partly because I wasn't used to it yet, and it felt more intense because of the unfamiliarity. It felt so right, and it's like the sensations during sex caused gender euphoria to mix with sexual euphoria and the combination was just... So amazing.

I wasn't just loud, but I also discovered a change in my voice during sex around this time. My boyfriend found a spot one night that... Well, it worked very well, and I made a loud, almost screaming sound that I didn't even know I could make. It sounded exactly like a female sex sound, no doubt at all, and we were both rather surprised that it came from me. The new sounds work quite nicely for both of us, and they continued from this point on, loudness being based on the level of intensity I'm feeling. Honestly, the sounds just kind of happen. He probably uses them as a way of judging whether he found a good spot to focus on, just like I did with my exes. It's interesting being on the other side of that. I sometimes had to grab a pillow to muffle myself, if I was in my own head enough to think of it. I'd like to think my housemates didn't hear me sometimes, but they probably did... Insulation in the walls can only block so much sound...

My breasts began to pop out a bit more noticeably, even under my guy clothes. The soreness continued, with occasional feelings like stabbing pains right behind the nipple. If you felt my breasts at this time, you'd feel that something was developing inside them. Something that definitely wasn't there before. 

At this time I began to run into a completely new struggle... I could no longer itch my nipples. I used to be able to itch my nipples and areolas directly with my fingernails no problem. But as of this second month that hurt too much, and instead I have to kind of rub my knuckles or fingers overtop them in order to itch them. These little details... Who would've thought of that problem in advance, am I right?

My facial hair started to thin a little bit on my chin, but just a bit. I began to notice my body was changing shape. I was developing some hips, and I had an hourglass shape forming. Seeing myself in a mirror made me very happy, unless I looked at what I still had "downstairs". Seeing my lower genitals made me feel very sad, and sometimes cry. I perfected the skill of averting my eyes from my groin whenever I changed, and whenever I saw myself in a mirror without clothes. Not seeing what was down there helped a little.

I slowly came out at work, first to a few students who were close to me, and then to the rest of the school as I legally changed my name. I was met with an amazing amount of support from students, staff, and parents.

From a more broad emotional standpoint during this month, a ton of memories were beginning to "unlock" within my head. Memories that made sense now, of feminine behaviours I've had since I was a tiny child. But as I processed so many memories, and as I felt more love toward myself, other memories began to unlock. I was processing emotions differently now, and letting things out in a very healing way. And since I began to process things like this, I began to remember things I had blocked out from my past. In order to explain many of these things in acceptable detail I'd have to write a whole other blog post, but suffice it to say, most of this stuff was pretty awful.

But as I processed this stuff, I realized a new feeling. As I was crying one night, I realized that I wasn't crying out of self pity. I wasn't crying out of immediate pain. I was crying about the fact that someone would do that to a person at all. I felt sorry for my past self, not my present self. It was empathy crying, not depression crying. I felt empathy toward myself rather than pity. That was a confusing realization, but a welcome one. I realized a few things about myself, and I got more sentimental than many of my friends are used to, apologizing to some of them for some things I did in the past, before I understood what I was even doing.

I also experimented more with perfecting my own makeup. Near the end of this month I had gotten pretty good at felt tip gel eyeliner :)

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• I came out as trans to most of my closer students at school today and it felt like I was saying something everybody already knew. I got a high five from one student, a knowing sounding "alright, cool" from a few others, and "yeah, I noticed, I just didn't want to blow your cover" from the rest. This school is awesome XD
• It's official! My legal name has been changed. Now I just need to muscle through the Department of Licensing to change my driver's license to match my new name and gender. I am no longer legally required to say my name is anything other than Josie!
• "You looked better as a boy."
  Never say this to a trans person. It is not a compliment. It feels like a stab in the heart. It is a rejection. It's basically saying they should have stayed in the closet. For most trans people, staying in the closet means staying depressed, anxious, and suicidal.
• Student: "You look like a girl."
  Me: "Thank you!"
  Little does that student realize, I genuinely took that as a compliment.
• I should be asleep right now, but I just finished replying to an email that got me thinking. I may be reading more into this, but I get the impression one of my students defended me to his parents. His mom sent me an email saying if I announce anything to the class regarding my identity that she wants to make sure she has the right to be there, and the wording was interesting. It sounds like there's a mixup of opinions in their family on this.
  I feel so blessed to have so many people willing to stick up for me. Have these people been around me all this time and I was just totally blind to it until I came out? You never know who among you is rooting for you behind your back
• If everybody just had freshly shaven legs scrubbed with almond grounds and cocoa butter while wearing fuzzy soft pants, maybe we would all be in a better place.
• I KNEW IT! It just seemed too coincidental that I was getting period symptoms! [posted an article about trans women getting period symptoms]
• "Every value I've ever held is being questioned, and I'm loving it." -Maurice Moss
• Just took my third month transition pictures and I'm very happy right now X3

Here are pictures from Month 2. I believe this accurately represents how I looked at the time. Left side without makeup, right side with. Looking better!

You can view the Month 3 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 1

This is continuing off my introduction post. If you haven't read it yet, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

There are some minor references to sexual body parts in this post. If you don't want to learn some detailed information about my body, you best not read ahead.

Trigger warning for dysmorphia: I explain gender dysphoria in paragraph 3. Just skip to paragraph 4 if you'd rather not read that part.

Month 1 - April

The emotional changes continued, and I started learning how to work with them. It felt so natural, but I was also not used to being able to truly and deeply feel things. It always felt instead like, rather than actually being there, I was feeling my emotions through a glass window. Like I wasn't actually there. I smiled so much during this month that my cheek and mouth muscles were in pain when I went to bed.

My depression disappeared, replaced with what is referred to in the LGBTQ community as "gender euphoria." Gender euphoria is a kind of euphoric feeling that comes when you are correctly gendered, or otherwise correctly acknowledged for your gender. It can also come from yourself, as you are exploring aspects of your true gender for the first time, or discovering/experiencing things that just feel "right." 

The opposite of this feeling is called gender dysphoria, which is an unfortunately common feeling for trans people, as it happens when we are misgendered, or otherwise recognized for being something that we are not. Getting a trans person's pronoun or name wrong is probably the most common outside source of dysphoria. Dysmorphia is a form of dysphoria, but more specifically it refers to an overwhelming feeling of being in the wrong body.

The euphoria died down in frequency for me after about 6 or 7 months, once I got used to being recognized for who I am, rather than who people thought I should be. But at month 9, as I write this, I still get it a little bit here and there, usually when I'm complimented for my appearance.

The birth of something new was happening in my mind. I felt love building toward myself, and I began to care about my life, and my existence. I cried a lot in these first couple of months...

It's an extremely liberating, freeing feeling, to see your body changing into what feels right. I'd been stuck in the wrong body for long enough that I had gotten used the feeling of it being wrong, and now I saw it turning into what it was supposed to be. I ranted about my changes to whomever would listen, because I was so very excited about everything. 

I was also having fairly regular "morning sickness" nausea whenever I woke up earlier than 10am. It was really becoming a problem getting ready for work on time, and it made it very difficult to concentrate while I was teaching my classes.

I think it was during this month that I, for the first time in almost 20 years, wet the bed. I woke up from a dream of taking my dad's dog out to pee, and I was peeing as I woke up. I think this happened because of the lack of bladder control brought upon by the Spironolactone, because I had trouble stopping the stream. I wasn't peeing my pants all the time or anything, but when I went to pee, I'd stand up and realize that there was actually more in there. I discovered some ways to prevent leakage: moving my legs left and right, doing a brief kegel workout, and pretending I was getting up helped a lot. It turned into a bit of a ritual, which has made it take longer for me to pee. But women are supposed to take longer in the bathroom, right?

My nipples continued swelling, and began to protrude forward a bit, forming a small pointed boob. The nipple soreness moved and expanded, encompassing the entire breast. The soreness actually hurt quite a bit, more than expected, and it was constant. I couldn't sleep on my stomach as easily anymore. For the first time in my life, the act of pushing my boobs together actually created some tiny cleavage. I tried wearing a sticky bra to push them together and had some fun taking pictures.

My breasts still very much appeared to be male, but the nipple started changing shape in very subtle ways. If I didn't wear a bra, the chafing of my nipples against my male clothing while I was at work was actually quite painful. My nipples also seemed to be hard a lot more often, so I needed to wear a bra anyway, just to keep them from showing through my shirt. The bra I wore was a girls bra I found at Fred Meyer. It had little pads in the front that comforted my soreness, and you pulled it over your head instead of dealing with hooks. When I wore the bra you could kind of tell I was developing breasts, but if I wore guy clothes, you wouldn't really notice anything. I still disguised myself as a guy a lot.

As I got used to actually having a tiny bouncing feeling when I jumped, I realized what actually having boobs would mean. I was very energetic one day and took a running jump at my bed, landing on my belly. I screamed in pain, having forgotten how sore my boobs were. That was horrible, and I whole heartedly learned never to do that again. While lying on my back watching TV, I would rest my hands on my tummy. Then sometimes, if I got an itch on my face, I would swing my hand up to itch. I did that, and whacked myself in the boob. That also hurt quite a bit. I had done this about 3 or 4 times during this month before I managed to kick the habit and develop a personal space bubble, keeping my hands a certain distance from my chest whenever they're in movement.

It didn't occur to my until this point that this is a natural part of female body movement. Women do this without even realizing it. Take a look at the way women move their hands when they talk, walk, open doors, etc. You'll find that they're all keeping their hands a certain safe distance away, about 1 to 2 inches minimum from their chests with every idle movement.

It was around this time that I started to come out at work and legally changed my name. I joked with my supervisor that I'm 27 years old, but I have 12 year old breasts. I am very lucky with how incredibly supported I was, and continue to be, from my workplace. The school staff are amazing people, and the parents and kids have been great. There are occasional ignorant parents, but they are shut down by the army that rushes to my defense. There are some kids who don't know they're being offensive, and I give them patience, because I know this is something they've never seen before.

I am complimented so often by parents and staff, it's hard to know how to take the affection. Not just on my appearance, but also they compliment my character. Who I really am. They tell me I do great work, and that everybody loves me, that I'm funny, and that I'm an inspiration and an influence to my students. I'm very hard on myself, so it's wonderful to hear people say these things, especially unprompted by subject matter, and out of context from my transition. They still see me as a human being who's trying her best, rather than a freak of nature, and I appreciate them all so much for that.

I could never have typed that last paragraph before I started hormones. I'm so much more sentimental now :P

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• [Friend's name] braided my hair during common meal. It was a little painful (I'm a wimp when it comes to hair pulling), but I like it. I've never had a Dutch braid before :D
• I'd love to say that I'm done accidentally whacking myself in the boob, but I've proven that wrong every day this week. I also regret the decision to run up and belly flop onto my bed. That was unexpectedly quite painful. I will likely be learning many more life lessons in my future :P
• A doctor appointment in Seattle, and then a trip to Tulip Town with CJ! This was a wonderful day of nature's beauty and good company, and I wasn't misgendered once by anybody! ^_^
• I want to thank everybody I interact with online for being so accepting. There are so many trans people who are ruthlessly attacked without provocation, hiding behind internet anonymity to protect themselves. I've been extremely lucky to not have experienced that thus far, and I really appreciate that I know so many people who are willing to stop, listen, and learn, rather than spouting blind judgement. You are all wonderful people. <3
• Random guy runs past me while I'm singing to myself walking into the grocery store. He stops running, turns around, tells me I'm beautiful with a big smile, then continues running to his car.
  Heehee X3
• I've been feeling so happy and energetic today. I spent practically my entire time at work dancing to songs in my head, and I raved to my therapist about how freaking amazing everything feels. And I hatched seven 5km and four 2km eggs in Pokémon Go after that.
• It's just AAH, OMG, THIS MUSIC IS SO CATCHY! AND EVERYTHING IS JUST SO COLORFUL AND GOOD SMELLING AND FLUFFY AND SOFT! If I didn't know better, I'd swear I'm on ecstasy. I just wanna hug my bed and my pillows and my blankets and my clothes and myself and my penguin and... Mmm... Fresh spring air...
• Morning sickness sucks -_-
• I love this comic. I'm so glad it actually got picked up by a newspaper! [posted picture of a Trans Girl Next Door comic]
• I may be looking into getting some lower cut shirts in my near future :3:

Here's a picture from Month 1. I believe this accurately represents how I looked at the time. Bleh...

You can view the Month 2 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Month 0

This is continuing off my previous post. If you haven't read my first post, click here to view it.

Biological Content Material!

There are some minor references to sexual body parts in this post. If you don't want to learn some detailed information about my body, you best not read ahead.

Month 0 - March

During my first week on Spironolactone, I was definitely nervous. It was happening, and even though I was ready, it was still kind of scary. But I didn't really notice anything until I started taking the estrogen. I'm counting my first day on estrogen as the first day of my transition.

By the start of my second week my fear started to go away and my nipples started swelling up, becoming very sensitive and sore. Once I saw my nipples swelling up, my fear was completely replaced with excitement. It was happening! They were growing! I was so happy from the changes that the fear just disappeared completely.

By the third week I was feeling a change in my brain. Like a sense of peace. Quiet. Serenity. Something was gone. It's like there used to be this little voice in the back of my head, like an annoying child in the back seat of a car. It was gone. It's so hard to explain completely, but it's like... That urge in the back of my head to punch something when I'm frustrated was gone. That urge to physically react to situations out of anger was gone. That's not to say my urge to fight for myself was gone, but rather, my mind was more clear to fight with my mind rather than my fists.

I was not a violent person before my transition, mind you. I never really have been. I had great control over my urges, and that was something I think I took some pride in. But little did I know how every moment of every day, I was keeping that voice in the back of my head in check. I was suppressing the way I felt in the moment in order to control that voice. This was all contributing to the emotional "brick wall" I developed during puberty. The wall that made it so difficult for me to cry and let things out. That wall that made it so difficult to understand the emotions I was feeling. That wall that made me feel like I wasn't me. Before puberty, that wall wasn't there, and now, after all those years, it was finally coming down again.

The Spring colors looked brighter, and the smells were stronger. The smells seemed to provoke a more emotional response than they used to. And I spontaneously got my ears pierced!

Quotes from Facebook, posted during this month:

• So Josephia has too many syllables, and the name Josie is growing on me more. So I think when I get it legally changed I'm going with Josie. But variations of Josephia are still acceptable as nicknames :)
• Also, oh my GOD! Facebook support actually DID something! When I requested it, they changed me to Josie, despite their multi-month cooldown time policy between name changes. Actually hearing from Facebook support on any issues is so unheard of! Almost as unheard of as someone finding a way to contact them!
• I'm feeling pretty lucky to work at such an accepting place with so many wonderful people. <3
• That feeling when your makeup looks amazing, but then you have to remove it and wash your face before bed. Then you look up and see that your face looks like it hasn't slept in 5 days.
  "Who is that person?!"
• Ugh, I'm so tired this morning it feels like nausea... I need this week to end soon.

Here's a picture from Month 0. I believe this accurately represents how I looked at the time. It just... Looks so wrong... 

You can view the Month 1 post by clicking here. >>>

*Biological Content* My Transition - Introduction

BIOLOGICAL DETAILS AHEAD!

[Edited 12/30/17 to correct and add some updated content.]

This post series is going to be about details regarding my experience undergoing hormone therapy as a transgender woman. I am writing this primarily for other trans people, so they can see my journey as a reference. I believe education is in everyone's best interests. I think that knowing one girl's experience through this journey could benefit trans and cis people alike, helping us all to better understand and accept one another.

I am not going to shy away from the details regarding my reproductive organs. These parts of the body are a fact of life, and it's silly to make them taboo in my opinion. If you don't want to hear words like penis, vagina, boobs, sex, masturbation, sterility, orgasm, semen, erection, and other similar words, then you probably best not proceed through the entire series. Especially if you don't want to hear those words within the context of referring to my body.

All posts that contain explicit biological and/or sexual content will be labeled as such. This particular post contains some minor sexual words and references within the context of referring to my body, but it's pretty tame. That being said, I will now continue...

Trans female readers considering hormone therapy: 

There is a condensed synopsis of advice I wish to pass on to you at the bottom of this post.

I've been on hormones for nearly 8 months now, as I type this post. It has become abundantly clear to me that practically nobody, not even many doctors, know what in the heck that really means. So I think I should, perhaps, document some of the details before they fade into memory. I will try to write down, to the best of my memory, all of the changes I have experienced since I began.

First of all, I'd like to complain about how difficult it was to actually start hormone therapy. I spent 6 years questioning my identity and gender before I actually got the guts to ask my doctor about hormones. This is not a decision that I took lightly, and I don't think anyone even could take this lightly, considering how slowly the changes occur and how difficult it is to do it. Lucky for me I live in a fairly accepting area of Washington State, so I didn't run into many of the roadblocks that trans people might typically run into elsewhere in this country. My primary care doctor was very accepting of my identity.

I spoke to my primary care doctor about how I wanted to undergo hormone therapy, and she referred me to an endocrinologist (hormone specialist), because she could not prescribe the hormones herself, apparently. Given what I know now, I'm actually not sure why she couldn't. The endocrinologist I was referred to refused to prescribe me anything because, apparently, I needed a note from a therapist that I have been seeing consistently for at least a year. I had been seeing therapists for a long time, and luckily I had been with the one I was seeing at the time for over a year.

At this point I think it was October of 2016. Almost a month passed, and I had burning questions I needed answered. I was still juggling whether I wanted to do this or not. I requested an appointment with the endocrinologist, stating that I wasn't looking for her to prescribe medication on that visit, but rather I was merely looking for information. I needed to talk to someone because I knew nothing of this process. We had to schedule my appointment a month out, so my appointment didn't happen until December. That was a very difficult wait. When I got to meet with her, I had a list of questions for her to answer. Our visit took over an hour. Here is a summary of the questions, and the answers I got:

• How will the hormones affect my orgasms?
• This is a gray area. Most people can still achieve orgasm after hormone therapy, but some people cannot. It's individual. You will, however, become sterile.
• Will this cause penis shrinkage?
• No, it will not. But your testicles will shrink.
• Will this affect my body shape?
• Yes, fat redistribution will reshape your body to give you a more "hourglass" figure, but your bones will not change shape. Your hips and thighs will get wider purely from fat redistribution.
• How will that affect my body weight?
• You will potentially gain weight, but you will also be losing muscle mass, so your weight may not change at all.
• How will this affect my emotions?
• You will have stronger emotions, and the hormones will likely cause mood swings. How this affects each person, however, is individual and difficult to say for sure.
• I heard hormone therapy increases the risk of breast cancer. Is this true?
• Yes, there is an increased risk of breast cancer. There is also a risk of blood clotting.
• Hormone therapy will cause breast growth, correct? And they will look just like regular breasts?
• Yes, you will grow breasts, and they tend to be most noticeable by month 6. They tend to be smaller than breasts that grow naturally from puberty, but they do grow.
• What about the nipples? Will my nipples become larger with the breast growth?
• No, your nipples will not change.
• How will this affect my body hair?
• The hair on your arms, chest, and face will thin out over time, but some people never lose the facial hair and have to undergo electrolysis.
• Will this regrow the hair in my receding hairline?
• No, it will not.
• Will hormones change my smell? Will my body odor smell different?
• No, I do not think that will change.
• Will the hormone therapy change my voice.
• Maybe. It makes it easier to speak in a softer tone, but it will not actually change your voice.
• Have you had any trans patients before, and if you have, did they ask any questions or go through any changes that we haven't talked about?
• No, I think we covered pretty much everything.

You may have noticed I marked some of those answers in red, and some in green. The red answers were the ones that were flat out incorrect, and the green answers were the questions that I have personally confirmed  during my transition later on. Everything else was a gray area. I'll give you a more accurate list of factual changes based on my experience later in this post, but as you can see, I was given an alarming amount of misinformation at this early stage. Despite the misinformation though, despite the uncomfortable feeling I got about that doctor, and despite the fact I felt like she was harshly judging me, I decided I wanted to start hormone therapy after this visit.

What finally made my mind up was the realization that this is not immediate. These changes happen slowly over a period of 1 to 2 years, and none of the changes are even permanent until after you pass the 3rd month on hormones. 3 months is a long time, and that gives you a good amount of time to change your mind. All I had to do was stop taking the hormones and the changes would reverse themselves naturally. Experiencing the changes first hand was going to be the only way I'd know if they would really scare me off. 

I told myself that if I felt unsure by month 2, I would stop taking them and rethink what I was doing. The endocrinologist also informed me that, in addition to a therapist's note, I needed to "identify full-time as a female for at least 1 year." I don't know how the hell they planned on proving whether I did or didn't. That was such a vague and insulting condition, I don't even really know where to begin...

So let's move on to my therapist for now...

My therapist, Fred, referred to himself as a "Christian man," (that's in quotes because that's exactly how he used to say it) and he tried to keep as open a mind as he possibly could around these issues. I think he did a great job, actually, in keeping an open mind, and I think he was an overall good person. He did great work, and he had helped a lot of people. But there was definitely still some ignorance in there, and I doubt he actually had any validation for my identity in his head. He had never met a trans person before, let alone helped one to come out of the closet and begin hormone therapy. The two of us had debates regarding gender identity on a fairly regular basis, some of which actually got a little emotionally charged. Rather than using him as a means of support in the matter, I actually was using him to keep myself in check. He questioned many things, which forced me to question myself in order to answer him. I believe the experience helped me to solidify myself in my gender identity partly because of how much I heard him say that I knew was wrong. However, not everyone's brain works like mine, and some of the things he said could easily have made another trans woman suicidal.

That being said, Fred said he would write me a letter, but he made it abundantly clear that he would write it not as a recommendation, but as a synopsis of our visits. Purely informational with as little bias in either direction as possible. I agreed, and figured that's totally fair. Unfortunately, his boss did not think so, and refused to let him send the letter. Not because of the content of the letter, but because the organization, COMPASS Health, did not "specialize in gender identity" and therefore could not comment on, or help with, anything regarding my transition. Even though this very clearly affected my mental health, Fred was forbidden from taking any action of any kind.

That is the reality we live in. This wasn't even about approving me for medication, this was about giving a doctor a report on my mental health, and Fred was forbidden to do so because the company couldn't "take sides" in the politics of gender identity. By not "taking sides" however, they took a side. They were a roadblock, and this journey needed to happen. If I couldn't do this, my depression would get worse. Things like this are why the suicide rates for trans people are so alarmingly high.

So without Fred having the ability to do anything at all to help in my situation, I started looking for another therapist who could. During one of our sessions, Fred helped me find someone who specifically listed "transgender" on their list of specialties. Out of all the people we sifted through online, we only found 2 people who might be covered by my insurance. I gave them a call, and one of them did not take my insurance, but she started the application to take it after I called. I was going to wait for her application to finish, but after waiting 2 months, I got extremely impatient and found another therapist.

But then something unexpected happened. My boyfriend introduced me to another trans girl, I'm going to call her Mia, and she told me about how she bypassed the need for a therapist's letter and the "full-time girl for a year" stuff by requesting an "informed consent form." This was a form that spelled out and explained all of the general changes the medical community knows about. By signing it you confirm that you read through all of it, and despite the potential side effects and the number of irreversible long-term changes, you agree that you still want it. By this point I had been waiting 3 months for this, and I was ready to jump at anything I could to get this ball moving.

Mia was also the first other trans person I had met in real life (that I knew of). When I first saw her in person it was an interesting mix of emotions, and I kind of wanted to cry. She looked amazing. Seeing how her journey was going made me very excited to start my own.

The endocrinologist I met with earlier refused my request for an informed consent form. The only reason I was given was yet another bullshit "company policy" reason, and it was clear to me after that point that I was never going to have anything to do with that clinic ever again. I contacted the clinic that Mia had suggested, but they didn't take my insurance. However, they were very helpful and referred me to three other places that do! I was so happy that finally somebody actually helped me through this process rather than just acting as a roadblock and pushing me away from what I want. After contacting Swedish Family Medicine, I scheduled an appointment for as soon as I could get one, WHICH WAS YET ANOTHER MONTH OUT. I was so frustrated with having to wait so bloody long jumping through so many hoops that I was starting to feel extremely depressed and suicidal. If this next opportunity didn't work out, I might have actually harmed myself.

Luckily it did work out. I went into the Swedish clinic and everybody was very friendly, even giving me the opportunity to give them a preferred name. At this point I hadn't yet legally changed my name, but I was going by Josephia. My new doctor, Dr. Wakeman, was amazing. In our first visit I brought my question list and I was ready to put up a serious fight to get this ball rolling. She confirmed that they accept informed consent forms, and I began to rant about all the reasons why I need this done as soon as possible. She stopped me for a moment during my rant and said,

"Whoa, whoa, you don't have to defend yourself to me! I'm not going to get in your way, I'm just collecting information. We'll set up your prescriptions today."

I cannot tell you how happy I was to hear that. But there was no way I could let myself relax until I had the prescriptions in my hands, because I knew that somehow, something was going to get screwed up again. Dr. Wakeman had me fill out the informed consent form and gave me some time to read through it. I requested a copy to take home, since it provided a great list of changes, and the information on it was more accurate to what I was seeing in the various trans community online forums. We had my blood drawn to check my base hormone levels, and we scheduled another appointment for me to come in after another week, so they could have my test results ready and the consent form processed. I actually took time off from work so we could schedule my appointment to be the absolute soonest we could get it.

While I was waiting for the next appointment I went over, in great detail, all of the information on the informed consent form, and developed another list of questions for the doctor, to clarify some things. At our second appointment, she clarified everything I asked, and she only got one or two things wrong, unlike the previous endocrinologist. I didn't know those things were wrong at the time, but she, at least, exuded an air of acceptance and friendliness that nobody else provided. She made me feel comfortable and confident that everything was going to work out, and that we were going to get this done.

After that visit, we processed my prescriptions. I picked up my testosterone blockers later that day and took my first one on February 23rd, 2017. The estrogen, however, required more time for the insurance to process, apparently, because I was listed legally as being male at the time. I was very nervous that they were going to refuse me and be just as transphobic as the rest of the bureaucracy. But thank god, after about two weeks, it got processed, and my estrogen prescription was ready for pickup. I put my first patch on close to midnight on March 5th, 2017. I was supposed to apply my first patch on Monday, not Sunday, but I was too excited, so I started early. I have taken monthly transition pictures on the 6th or 7th of every month since then.

So that's how long this took. I started in October of 2016, and didn't get both prescriptions in my hands until March of 2017. It was such an excruciating wait, and I had to fight nearly everyone through the whole process. If it wasn't for Mia, and if it wasn't for Dr. Wakeman, the delays might have meant more self harm for me. I was in horrible pain. But I digress a bit, I think you get the picture now.

My prescriptions were 100mg of Spironolactone (testosterone blocker in pill form), and 0.1mg of Estradiol (estrogen, in patch form). For the estrogen I had three options: pills, a patch, or injections. I hate needles, and there was a slight increase of clotting risk from the pills, so I went with the patches. I took 2 Spiro pills per day, morning and night, and I replaced my Estradiol patch twice a week, on Sundays and Wednesdays. We scheduled occasional check-up visits with Dr. Wakeman as I started on the hormones, and we did more blood tests to check how things are going.

Here's a rundown of some basic information about these medications. This is based on my personal experience, how my body has reacted to them, and from what I remember from the handouts. So you can trust that this is true within the realm of my personal experience:

• Spironolactone
• Take it with food, otherwise it can cause some nasty nausea.
• Makes you have to pee a lot.
• Makes your body not absorb salt quite as well, so you crave salt a lot.
• Smells minty, but is the opposite of refreshing. Like, radioactive mint flavor mixed with rotten cabbage. It's awful. Swallow it quickly before you can taste it.
• Causes infertility and testicle shrinkage.
• Shrinks and thins the hairs that rely on testosterone to survive. These hairs include:
• Arms
• Upper thighs
• Face
• Neck
• Chest (including nipples)
• Stomach
• Butt
• Changes your libido. The doctors say it lowers it, but I disagree. My libido hasn't lowered, it has changed. I am more in control of it. Instead of random erections deciding when I want to have sex, I decide when I want an erection. They no longer happen randomly.
• Is literally a medication used to help treat enlarged prostates, and therefore defends against prostate cancer. But at the expense of weakening your bladder. So you not only have to pee more, but you have trouble holding it in, and right when you stand up thinking that you're done, you may find out the hard way that you're not. You get used to it after a while and it becomes less of a problem by the 3rd month.
• Is also used to treat high blood pressure. My blood pressure dropped.
• Estradiol
• Causes breast and nipple growth. As your breasts grow, the nipples also expand and develop, just like a girl going through puberty. The breasts actually develop mammary glands. By all accounts, these ARE female breasts. Trans breasts are just like any other woman's breasts, including functionality.
• Does not cause breast cancer, but can contribute to the growth of existing breast cancer tissue. The only increased risk of breast cancer comes from whether you already have it.
• Changes your skin to become softer and more delicate. All of your skin, not just arms, legs, chest, etc... All of your skin is affected. Butt, penis, face, feet, everything. I bruise easier, but I'm so soft it just doesn't matter, because my skin feels amazing. I still rub my arms and smile sometimes because they feel so good.
• Helps regrow the hairs that get killed off by testosterone. The only area I know of that contains these hairs is at the hairline on your head. If the hair follicles are dying, but aren't completely dead yet, they can actually regrow. Some of my hair is growing back, but only the follicles that weren't completely dead.
• Contributes to the change in libido. Large amounts of estrogen, in my experience from a dosage increase, can cause an increase in libido.
• Penis shrinkage. Yes, it shrinks. All my doctors were incorrect on this point, and the online trans community agrees with me on this. It. Fucking. Shrinks. Not as much as I'd like it to, but it does. Refer to my future month 8 post for details on erection pain from the shrinkage.
• Causes fat redistribution across the whole body, in various ways. I used to have a little tummy gut that stuck out. It's gone to my thighs, hips, and butt now.
• Changes the way you process emotions. I cannot think of a better way to list that without going into great detail.

Remember, this is entirely based on my experience, and therefore I have no scientific studies to back me up. There are lots of details here I haven't listed. I don't know which medications the other changes fall under, so I'm going to try and remember how my experience went month to month and tell you everything I can remember has changed. This way you'll see how these changes I listed above are truly applied. Honestly, it's easier to list the things that don't change, because everything seems so different now.

I will post these month-by-month changes as individual blog posts, because my transition is ongoing. So I will continue writing these as I experience changes! The further I get into the transition, the fewer changes I see, so by the end of my first year they will probably just be transition journal stories and thoughts regarding my experiences on the journey.

Trans female readers who haven't begun hormone therapy, this is the message I want to pass onto you:

• Gather information. Google things, and search on forums to hear about other people's experiences. Do research on Estradiol, Spironolactone, and Progesterone, since those are the three most commonly used medications in hormone therapy. The more you know the better, and as you do the research it will help you to further determine whether you want to go through with it.
• I suggest reading this blog series up to about month 8, so you can find out some of the lesser talked about long-term medical issues I ran into.
• When asking doctors (in the US) about hormone therapy, ask if they accept informed consent forms. That form makes this whole process vastly more simple. Seriously.
• Call your insurance company and ask if they cover hormone therapy. I have Washington Apple Health (Medicaid) through Amerigroup, and my transition has thus far been fully covered.
• See a therapist regularly through all of this. It's important that your physical state and your mental state be monitored through your transition. Female puberty is a rough ride of mood swings. Even though I have zero regrets about this, I can't deny that it's been hard being a teenager again.
• Ask yourself the difficult questions, and make sure you separate what you want from what you think anyone else wants.
• This is hard to think about critically, because it's truly questioning yourself and your motives, but I think it's important: try to recognize whether you're fetishizing being a woman or not. Being a woman is far more than your body parts and hormones. It's who you are, every moment of every day. 
• Do you want to actually live as a female, or do you just think being a woman in bed would be hot?
• Do you want to have a period every month?
• Do you want to have hot sweaty boobs in the summer?
• Do you want people to treat you the way women are treated outside of the bedroom?
• Do you like it when people use female pronouns with you?
• Have you picked out a feminine name? How do you feel about people calling you by that name on a regular basis?
• How would you feel about being a female in the workplace?
• There is a surprising number of people out there who have no problem dating or sleeping with trans people :)
• Try to be open to experimentation with your identity. This is about you, not other people. Don't let romantic partners, friends, or family tell you who you are. Only you can do that.
• Above all, be open and honest with yourself, and be safe. Know that there are other trans people out here to support you.

This continues with my Month 0 post. You can view it by clicking here.